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Looking for specific resource

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Looking for specific resource

Postby Empathy » Thu Aug 09, 2018 10:11 am

Does anyone have any literature that discusses how a person with a personality disorder can indeed treat their own children very differently when there is a child they like and another they dislike? Resources on how this may occur in OCPD would be extra helpful as it seems like their efforts to help and care for things and people can mask abuse (and basically make it seem like the abused person isn't grateful).

The context:
There is a situation I'm dealing with where an adult child wants to move out of the home after a year living at home with their parents while finishing a PhD. Both parents got diagnosed with incurable cancers over the past year and the mother's OCPD symptoms have worsened, and the treatment of this less favored child have escalated into abusive/illegal (name calling, blatant lying, recording private conversations, etc.).

The father and older sibling are trying to get this child to stay home and help care for the parents but seem to refuse to recognize/believe the mother would treat this child worse than the way they have been treated by her over the years, and so far have refused to step in and help establish/enforce boundaries to make the home livable. They also do not seem to want to lose their good standing with her as it's quite nice and beneficial to have her favor, and they do not want to rock the boat and be "the bad guy." They are also scared of what she may do as over the past few years, when upset, she has taken to leaving the house, sometimes without her phone, and staying gone for many hours while everybody worries about her (or calls her and tries to coax her to come home if she does take her phone).

Now that this child has actually made plans to move out (got their old job back and put a deposit on an apartment in the state their PhD program is in), the mother is threatening not to continue with her cancer treatment. English is her second language and in her own language she said she was literally going to "curl up and die." It's manipulative and of course these antics to try and stop this child from moving out is making this awful situation even worse. While the child does not want to leave they do not feel comfortable and safe at home and powerless to stop mom's abuse.

But the family is putting a lot of guilt on this child, citing that the family has helped them a lot over the years and claiming that moving out when the parents are ill is "abandonment." The child still insisted they are going to go because they need the change in environment to finish their program and graduate. The family has then offered to listen to some terms to get the child to stay at home, but the child is hesitant to believe they will be taken seriously as long as the rest of the family refuses to believe the mother would actually care for one child less and treat them worse than another, and as long as they generalize the kind of treatment this less favored child is subjected to as equal to the way she has treated them.

The older, favored child keeps saying how the mother has treated them badly too but they just "don't care," however, the older child doesn't live at home and the mother has never treated them with as much disdain. It seems like the mother may actually be trying to sabotage the younger child's efforts to finish their degree. The older sibling has said things like "at least you're not getting a daily beating," and that while they are willing to help enforce some boundaries, to "not expect miracles." This less favored child has been somewhat of a scapegoat over the years and there seems to be an impetus to continue certain interaction styles that maintain this status.

So, any help would be appreciated for:
a) coming up with a list of terms for staying at the parents home while working to graduate in the fall semester
b) best way of actually leaving if it comes to that, if the terms are not honored, without causing too much family drama/being permanently blacklisted (sister-in-law said "don't move out if you have any remaining love for your parents" and that's pretty much how the rest of the family feels)
c) literature/resources that address how people with personality disorders can treat their children extremely differently and maybe provide suggestions on how to address that

Thank you!
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