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Narcissistic daughter - please help!

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Re: Narcissistic daughter - please help!

Postby Euler » Sun May 20, 2012 7:00 am

Thanks for all your replies. As for the previous post, yes, she suffered for years of terrible emotional abuse from her father and I over compensated in the hope I could repair some of the damage. As I said in my post, I have "reluctantly" come to the conclusion she suffers from NPD after reading a great deal about it. I would gladly put it down to "kids being kids" but, believe me, this is in a different league


Ok, I stand corrected and I'm sorry you're experiencing what you're experiencing. Just be careful though...often times the personality disorder that a person suffers from looks entirely like something else. Take me for instance, my therapist had to spend an extra couple of months to be sure because my diagnostic tests said NPD but I hit every symptom of ASPD on the surface.
I know statistically it is more uncommon for women to have NPD but my opinion is there are plenty out there but they are more clever and manipulative as to not make it completely obvious from the onset.


lol, you're half right. NPD and HPD are strange personality disorders as they're stated in the DSM-IV. They are probably the only disorders that have exactly the same underlying issues, development, etc but the difference depends upon gendering. NPD is overwhelmingly diagnosed in men because its socially acceptable for men to brag, be overt, etc while its more acceptable for women to be emotional, seductive, etc. Many women become misdiagnosed as borderline, histrionic, etc while men tend to get misdiagnosed as psychopaths, NPD, etc. So, if a female Narcissist is really dominant but does it in a female gendered way than the therapist has to work twice as hard to figure that out. I hope that makes sense.

I'm female but I wouldn't hesitate to hit/punk someone a few years ago so I was sparred that type of misogyny.
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Re: Narcissistic daughter - please help!

Postby Run » Sun May 20, 2012 8:12 am

tiredmum wrote: in fact I even had suicidal thoughts – she bought me to the lowest point in my life.


Be careful. Maybe you can look at this short video, to give yourself strenght.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bw0mBlqw ... re=related
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Re: Narcissistic daughter - please help!

Postby Anais » Sun May 20, 2012 8:22 am

Good one, Run.

I'm willing to bet we're going to be walking through another storm shortly.

Tiredmum. Your daughter is 24 so it's okay to let her go. No need to police her behaviour or monitor her relationships from afar.

Sounds like she grew up and found out the world is her oyster - perhaps that is what's bothering you.
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Re: Narcissistic daughter - please help!

Postby Longtimecoming » Sun May 20, 2012 9:31 am

Hi Tiredmum. I' sorry to hear about your troubles. Family issues are such a heartache and it's hard sometimes to look beyond the immediate situation. I thought I would offer my advice to you as I might have a perspective from an angle that is not too far away in age as your daughter. I am 34, so 24 was just yesterday for me and my memories of this age are pretty fresh.

In my 20's my mother was positive that I had NPD.

Now I'm not saying that your daughter doesn't have NPD because I don't know her or your situation very well, but let me give you another perspective to consider based on what you wrote here. In what you described, it sounds like your daughter has gone through some family hardships that might have made her angry, confused, and hurt. Even if it wasn't your fault or if it was her father who did the leaving and not you, anger and hurt can sometimes show up in a general way that your daughter may not even realize. It sounds like she is out there traveling and looking for her place in life. This is a good thing! Perhaps it is completely normal that she drops her friends sometimes? You can't be everyone's friend, and as we all know, we have different friends for different reasons sometimes. Acquaintances, friends.. Perhaps they didn't possess something that she felt was sustainable and that is perfectly normal, especially when traveling. I wouldn't read in to it too much. Do you remember leaving high school and keeping in touch with absolutely everyone you were friendly with? People should have the right to choose their friends freely and not be judged if they decide to move on. In every stage of life, especially in mental growth spurts you dissect your life and ask yourself if the company you keep is the right company for you. For example, how many people here parted ways with single friends when they had children? It's just something that happens when people and lifestyles change.

Women and men in their 20's, in my opinion, go through major changes. Hormones are potent. She may be driven to travel the way she does for the purpose of finding her life mate without feeling like everyone is watching and putting in their 2 cents. Dating in your 20's can be tough, especially in front of family who is always watching. Your daughter has begun to work on her own priorities and she may be feeling that pleasing family is not one of her priorities at this moment in her life and she doesn't have the maturity to tell you that gracefully yet. She may be battling her own emotions of guilt for not being there for you when it sounds like you are having a rough time. It's draining when a parent always expects you to be there for them because you end up feeling like the parent. You are her mother and you need to be strong for her. You need to be the one who she comes to not the other way around. The roles will change later in life if you are patient, and if they don't at least you can rest easy knowing that you did the right thing by being unconditional.

My thoughts on suicidal parents and suicide in general. Coming from a family where my mother expressed thoughts of suicide I can relate to the completely uncontrollable helplessness that is felt when someone you love tells you they want to end it all. I sincerely hope that you didn't tell your daughter this.. but even if you didn't there is probably a chance that she knows anyway just from the vibes you are sending off. What that translates to in her mind is "if I don't act the way mom wants me to she is going to kill herself and it's all because of me". This does not put you in a good position to make progress with her because as sad and desperate a feeling it is to have a parent tell you they don't value their own life apart from you, it can create a lot of resentment because all children no matter what age need their parent to be a strong role model. For what ever reason we are put on this earth we are here to reach our full potential. It is completely un-natural to cut your life short and how can anyone be so sure that what is on the other side is all that much better? If there is a god, I would think that suicide would be the ultimate insult, to god, to yourself, and to the people you assume don't care. They do care. I care and I don't even know you.

Here is my advice to you. Your daughter might change, she is only 24. It might take a while but you might as well stick around to find out because you don't know if the best is yet to come in your life. The best thing that you can do is be a role model and be someone she can look up to. This will also have a positive effect on you because at the end of the day you can truly look yourself in the mirror and know that you did the best you could. Write her a letter, something she can hang on to and think about. Tell her that you miss her and that you have been thinking about her. Don't divulge how much she has been disappointing you no matter how hard it is to stop yourself and don't get too heavy. Tell her that you have been doing well. Keep it positive. Tell her about something that you have been doing for yourself like a yoga class, or reconnecting with something you used to love to do etc. Tell her that you are doing awesome so that she knows she would have a positive environment to come back to. She might see you in a new light. It's worth a shot! If you try your best and nothing seems to work, be proactive and start surrounding yourself with people who need and value you. Contribute your time to something that helps someone and feel good for giving this life everything you were born to give. Someone out there needs you, maybe even more than your daughter does right now.

I had to make a new family out of complete strangers, and though it was a little tough to get used to at first, at least I know that the people who are with me are there because they choose to be, not just because we are related. A complete stranger walked me down the isle and that person has showed me that family doesn't have to be related because I was open to it. It's time to look after yourself. That's where great things begin.

Truly wishing the best for you.

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Re: Narcissistic daughter - please help!

Postby margharris » Mon May 21, 2012 12:11 am

A lovely post LTC. Your post reminded me of this quote:

"Look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation. It's not what they're not doing or should be doing that's the issue. The issue is your own chosen response to the situation and what you should be doing. If you start to think the problem is "out there", stop yourself. That thought is the problem."

You can only manage yourself and become a positive experience for other to feel cherished when in your company.
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Re: Narcissistic daughter - please help!

Postby rwbpiano » Tue Dec 09, 2014 9:12 pm

[I guess in your research you forgot to look at how NPD develops. It takes a unique form of abuse and neglect to make NPD; so if she has it, then one or both of her parents abused her.]

I disagree that NPD is always a result of some form of abuse or neglect. This is a popular idea bantered around by therapist, i.e., "any problem you have must be your parents fault." Problem is, it's not always actually true.

I have a narcissistic daughter, now 22 years old, who is a lightening rod for drama that she causes and instigates, then when anyone else in the family responds, she goes into attack mode. We did not abuse or neglect her growing up. I will say in this case I believe it is inherited. My mother in law was the same way. The gene skipped my wife, but landed in my oldest daughter.
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Re: Narcissistic daughter - please help!

Postby freyja » Tue Dec 09, 2014 10:24 pm

tiredmum wrote:
in fact I even had suicidal thoughts – she bought me to the lowest point in my life.


She did not do this to you. This is a huge and unfair burden to put on a child. Mothering can try one's patience endlessly, but no child is in any way responsible if the parent feels suicidal.

Are you in therapy?
BP1 or Schizoaffective Disorder
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Re: Narcissistic daughter - please help!

Postby Celia » Tue Dec 09, 2014 11:03 pm

It is unlikely your daughter has NPD. Stop "doing research" online for crying out loud. It might be helpful to get some therapy for yourself.

This post really bothers me. With all due respect, young girls in their 20's are far from self-actualized. I have a 16-year-old who exhibits a lot of NPD traits, but she is a normal 16-year-old with a strong-willed personality. You can't "diagnose" your children, and to do so seems borderline abusive.

Your job as a mother is to love your child unconditionally. Parenting is particularly trying at times, but claiming we are being "victimized" by our children because they behave selfishly (quite normal for young women in their early 20's), is a bit of a stretch.

Show your daughter you love her and be patient with her. Set firm boundaries and choose your battles. Don't imply to her that something is wrong with her. You will hurt her and only damage your already precarious relationship.
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Re: Narcissistic daughter - please help!

Postby Mlaq1953 » Wed Feb 21, 2018 6:03 am

Hi Tiredmum. I noticed your post was from 2012 so it is several years old. However, everything you talked about is exactly what I’m going thru with my 37 yr old daughter, including thoughts creeping in of suicide on my part as I’m feeling so inadequate and failure as a parent. I am like you, she’s my daughter, I can’t just break off our relationship to save myself. Over the last 5-6 years have you learned any coping mechanisms or have any words of wisdom you can share? I pray you have found a way to make things work for you.
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