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Help - playing with fire but can't stop

Postby PamHelf » Fri Nov 04, 2011 8:12 pm

I've completely fallen for a N. Before I realised he was an N, he devalued me after I criticised him during our relationship and was vile - verbally abusive and attacked all my vulnerabilities. I was devastated. Cut all contact for months.

He eventually (months later) got back in touch and we started seeing each other on and off. Of course, I've fallen for him again but this time because I have more of an awareness of his personality, I am being very careful to not criticise him and just be admiring.

The second bit (admiring) is easy because I've like totallly fallen for him; I'm literally in that **starry** falling in love mind set where I want to worship him. Physically he is just my ideal guy and personality wise we fit like jigsaw pieces (in terms of intelligence/what we are interested in etc - we get on like wild fire).

The first (not criticising) is harder because he treats me dreadfully. He never rings me when he says , blows me out on plans repeatedly at the last minute and generally treats me like I'm just an after thought. but of course, when I am with him then he is wow -charming and I'm so puppy dog worshipping him. I'm trying to chill out about this stuff (his general bailing whenever it suits him) and it seems to be working.

I guess I'm playing with fire and inevitably the devaluation will happen again but could you all help me with:

1. is it possible to have a relationship with him do you think? or does the fact of the devalue before mean I'm toast?

2. I'd really like to see him a bit more than we are right now. Is this possible? I'm betting that asking for anything from him or anything that might inconvenience him is the kiss of death to it. How can I see him more???
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which is really him? the awkward comments or confident ones?

Postby purplecat » Fri Nov 04, 2011 8:29 pm

In the beginning, he'd openly express how much he was attracted to me, and what he felt about me. He preferred to tell me me over writing. It was confident and direct.

As time went on and he seemed to show more respect, most expression was said in writing. Much of the time for damage control..not volunteered like before. Out loud He would give compliments or respond to something nice I shared loud, but they had an awkward feel to them.
what is the thought process here?
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Re: which is really him? the awkward comments or confident o

Postby marycarterpaint » Fri Nov 04, 2011 9:03 pm

purplecat wrote:what is the thought process here?


1. i want the thing that i cant have
2. the thing that i cant have is even better than i first thought
3. wow, i cant believe how great that thing i cant have is!
4. omigod, i have finally have this great fantastic thing that i thought i couldnt have
5. hmm, theres a few things about this great thing that i didnt see before
6. damn, this thing is falling apart, and it doesnt work as well as i thought
7. holy sh*^, how do i get rid of this piece of trash

:D
I never gave anybody hell! I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.
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Re: Help - playing with fire but can't stop

Postby marycarterpaint » Fri Nov 04, 2011 9:17 pm

PamHelf wrote:1. is it possible to have a relationship with him do you think? or does the fact of the devalue before mean I'm toast?

is it possible that a meteor will strike him in the exact part of the brain responsible for his underlying narciness? yes, i suppose its possible.

otherwise, all signs point to toast.

PamHelf wrote:2. I'd really like to see him a bit more than we are right now. Is this possible? I'm betting that asking for anything from him or anything that might inconvenience him is the kiss of death to it. How can I see him more???

perhaps you can rent an apartment in a nearby complex with a view of his window. purchase a telescope or a rifle with a telescopic sight. voilà! oh, btw, just kidding about the rifle!
I never gave anybody hell! I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.
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Re: Help - playing with fire but can't stop

Postby purplecat » Fri Nov 04, 2011 11:19 pm

wow this is a prime example of narcissist attracting stalkers.
NO offense, but it is a big problem that you need and seek out his approval.
DO what you want but Know and accept this:

You're only going to make him find more contempt for you when you act so desperate to be a dormant. If you want to encourage that treatment of yourself...be lied to, cheated on, and ignored..but it guess it's only a problem if those things bothers you.

think of how much it hurts now...and times that by a thousand when you're in the exact same spot your in now.. but older, with less resources, less sanity, alone, and even more dependency on him. My guess is, that he thinks even less of you by then. Yeah, it hurts. If I were you, I'd Count your blessings you have fair warning.
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Re: Help - playing with fire but can't stop

Postby PamHelf » Mon Nov 07, 2011 1:13 pm

I can't see why you are calling me a stalker. I'm not. I'm being really relaxed about his intermittent contact in dealing with him. I don't question him when he doesn't call and am always really (genuinely) excited to see him when he has time for me. I love seeing him.

I just wanna know if there is anything I can do to encourage him to see him more. I think I'm in the "know he has me on the hook" phase so he isn't really that interested in seeing me except when he needs a supply boost.

My guess is asking him to see me more is counter productive; he'll just do what he wants to do. Maybe if I withdrew a bit that might help.

I am crazy about him; he really makes my heart race.
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Re: Help - playing with fire but can't stop

Postby margharris » Mon Nov 07, 2011 11:59 pm

Wow! you need your head examined. You have some severe abandonment issues that probably stem from childhood neglect. Any guy, even an abuser will do because of how you feel. It is you who have given your heart and that giving feels good. Unfortunately you haven't given it to someone who will truly cherish it. He will continue to devalue you to see what you are made of. You need to take back your heart and move on. Sorry there is no other way. He will always be true to who he is.
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What would an NPD do?

Postby Ladybuggy » Wed Nov 09, 2011 1:20 pm

I will make this as short as possible, hopefully. It's really complicated but here's the briefest way I can put it:

My best friend has pretty much the entire checklist of traits for NPD, and I'm pretty sure that all of our friends would agree on this. I am female, he is male. We've been best, nearly inseparable friends for 4 years now. I just got divorced and he broke up with a long-term girlfriend at the same time, and we started secretly sleeping together and then he got weird and ended it.

Another poster (marycarpenterpaint) had posted this in another thread about the NPD thought process and this is EXACTLY what happened to me over the course of the last 4 years:

-----
1. i want the thing that i cant have
2. the thing that i cant have is even better than i first thought
3. wow, i cant believe how great that thing i cant have is!
4. omigod, i have finally have this great fantastic thing that i thought i couldnt have
5. hmm, theres a few things about this great thing that i didnt see before
6. damn, this thing is falling apart, and it doesnt work as well as i thought
7. holy sh*^, how do i get rid of this piece of trash
-----

He went from worshipping me to treating me like any other woman would be a better choice than being with me. This did a serious number on my head, and I'm seeing a psychiatrist now, still in testing but the doc is leaning toward borderline personality disorder and I know that I have histrionic traits as well, so I'm making a concerted effort to clean up my own behavior and be a better person for this world.

In this process I have detached myself somewhat from our friendship because the wounds are still too fresh and he triggers a demon in me that I'm desperately trying to exorcise. lt's only been a week since our last blowout but I know that he checks my facebook and is seeing that other guys are hitting on me, and that it looks like my extremely good looking friend in Sweden and I are planning to hook up when he visits next month (which is not going to happen, he and I are just friends and were merely playing a joke on facebook).

My NPD best friend isn't one of those hot dude narcissists, he's not very good looking at all, but he's brilliant and could charm a star out of the sky, but I suspect that he's now sizing himself up against my hot Swedish friend because he pinged me a slightly flirty text right after I posted the joke. That was yesterday. I waited to answer him until today because after our last blowout I told him that I can't talk to him after I've been drinking and when he had sent the message I was with friends having a couple beers at the time. It was extremely difficult not to answer him right away like I always do!!

He's used to me jumping at every message and running to him whenever he beckons, even from long before we started sleeping together. Our whole friendship was like that, we worshipped each other, he worshipped my looks and sexuality and I worshipped his intelligence and charm. I know he wanted to sleep with me the whole time but I wasn't attracted to him romantically until I became very weak and vulnerable in my divorce. And then I wanted nothing more than him.

Now that I've pulled away from him to try to heal my own issues he has all of a sudden decided to care about my feelings and ask me how I'm doing... I'm not really sure what to expect here. He went out of his way to ignore my birthday this year, and basically let me know that my problems were just that. Mine. And he could not be bothered with them.

Is there an NPD that can give me a clue if there's some thought process when it's this push-pull kind of situation? I'm trying very hard to control my own impulses telling me to manipulate him into crawling back with his tail between his legs (the histrionic in me keeps saying 'wtf you are way too hot for him' - doesn't help that my friends actually come out and say this to my face), or to let him know how much I desperately miss him and still love him and feed the pig-dog he has inside of himself.

Is he just sending me msgs to secure his position in my life so that I can't move onto other guys? I think he does truly care, he's been in therapy for quite a while too, but I think we've started some really sick game with each other and I'm not really sure what to do. I don't want him to hurt, but I have to protect myself too.

Any insight would be helpful, thank you so much.
Dx: ADHD (on Ritalin) / BPD / HPD (in treatment)
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Re: What would an NPD do?

Postby marycarterpaint » Wed Nov 09, 2011 5:31 pm

Ladybuggy wrote:I will make this as short as possible, hopefully.

nicely done!

Ladybuggy wrote:I'm trying very hard to control my own impulses telling me to manipulate him into crawling back with his tail between his legs (the histrionic in me keeps saying 'wtf you are way too hot for him' - doesn't help that my friends actually come out and say this to my face), or to let him know how much I desperately miss him and still love him and feed the pig-dog he has inside of himself.

follow your heart.

Ladybuggy wrote:Is he just sending me msgs to secure his position in my life so that I can't move onto other guys?

yes.

Ladybuggy wrote:I think he does truly care, he's been in therapy for quite a while too, but I think we've started some really sick game with each other and I'm not really sure what to do. I don't want him to hurt, but I have to protect myself too.

the best defense is a good offense. you seem like you can take care of yourself, just do your thing.
he's one lucky guy, never let him forget it! :D
I never gave anybody hell! I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.
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Re: What would an NPD do?

Postby Friggle » Wed Nov 09, 2011 5:42 pm

I will make this as short as possible, hopefully. It's really complicated but here's the briefest way I can put it:

My best friend has pretty much the entire checklist of traits for NPD, and I'm pretty sure that all of our friends would agree on this. I am female, he is male. We've been best, nearly inseparable friends for 4 years now. I just got divorced and he broke up with a long-term girlfriend at the same time, and we started secretly sleeping together and then he got weird and ended it.

Another poster (marycarpenterpaint) had posted this in another thread about the NPD thought process and this is EXACTLY what happened to me over the course of the last 4 years:

-----
1. i want the thing that i cant have
2. the thing that i cant have is even better than i first thought
3. wow, i cant believe how great that thing i cant have is!
4. omigod, i have finally have this great fantastic thing that i thought i couldnt have
5. hmm, theres a few things about this great thing that i didnt see before
6. damn, this thing is falling apart, and it doesnt work as well as i thought
7. holy sh*^, how do i get rid of this piece of trash


If all he wanted was the sex then why would he continue to see you? He doesn't want you in any romantic kind of way.

He went from worshipping me to treating me like any other woman would be a better choice than being with me. This did a serious number on my head, and I'm seeing a psychiatrist now, still in testing but the doc is leaning toward borderline personality disorder and I know that I have histrionic traits as well, so I'm making a concerted effort to clean up my own behavior and be a better person for this world.


you are a primary target. your emotional neediness will only serve to both disgust him and reassure him of how much he does not admire you. at all. he adores your admiration.

In this process I have detached myself somewhat from our friendship because the wounds are still too fresh and he triggers a demon in me that I'm desperately trying to exorcise. lt's only been a week since our last blowout but I know that he checks my facebook and is seeing that other guys are hitting on me, and that it looks like my extremely good looking friend in Sweden and I are planning to hook up when he visits next month (which is not going to happen, he and I are just friends and were merely playing a joke on facebook).


once he find out that this was a joke, you are going to be very embarrassed at going through all that just to prove something to him.

My NPD best friend isn't one of those hot dude narcissists, he's not very good looking at all, but he's brilliant and could charm a star out of the sky, but I suspect that he's now sizing himself up against my hot Swedish friend because he pinged me a slightly flirty text right after I posted the joke. That was yesterday. I waited to answer him until today because after our last blowout I told him that I can't talk to him after I've been drinking and when he had sent the message I was with friends having a couple beers at the time. It was extremely difficult not to answer him right away like I always do!!

He's used to me jumping at every message and running to him whenever he beckons, even from long before we started sleeping together. Our whole friendship was like that, we worshipped each other, he worshipped my looks and sexuality and I worshipped his intelligence and charm. I know he wanted to sleep with me the whole time but I wasn't attracted to him romantically until I became very weak and vulnerable in my divorce. And then I wanted nothing more than him.


You need self esteem, he needs to get his physical appearance together. once you both do these things you will have no need for each other. get your own intelligence. get your own talents. work on being charming. if you can manage not to threaten suicide when someone frowns at you (bpd)

Now that I've pulled away from him to try to heal my own issues he has all of a sudden decided to care about my feelings and ask me how I'm doing... I'm not really sure what to expect here. He went out of his way to ignore my birthday this year, and basically let me know that my problems were just that. Mine. And he could not be bothered with them.


What is there to think about? you know what's going on here.

Is there an NPD that can give me a clue if there's some thought process when it's this push-pull kind of situation? I'm trying very hard to control my own impulses telling me to manipulate him into crawling back with his tail between his legs (the histrionic in me keeps saying 'wtf you are way too hot for him' - doesn't help that my friends actually come out and say this to my face), or to let him know how much I desperately miss him and still love him and feed the pig-dog he has inside of himself.

Is he just sending me msgs to secure his position in my life so that I can't move onto other guys? I think he does truly care, he's been in therapy for quite a while too, but I think we've started some really sick game with each other and I'm not really sure what to do. I don't want him to hurt, but I have to protect myself too.

Any insight would be helpful, thank you so much.


Why not just go find someone else with his characteristics? since you are so hot? or are you relying on his narcissism to feed your own sense of worthiness, since a "normal" "hot" guy would be too much of a threat? of the narc weren't using you for supply, he wouldnt be talking to you. once a normal guy figured you out, you would be dropped like smokin stack of $#%^

so you need to be needed. typical codependent. let him get to know you a bit longer. you will see the pattern. then he will cheat on you with other hot girls who are codependent.
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Not giving a damn since '91
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