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Questions About Relationships From Nons

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Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby Kimera » Tue Aug 22, 2017 3:14 am

Hello macaroon123,

macaroon123 wrote:Does it sound familiar to any of you, and can anyone relate?

I think you have enough warning signs to be concerned....

macaroon123 wrote:I feel so drained.

This is probably the biggest clue that you're dealing with a problem.

macaroon123 wrote:Apart from his family and the therapist he is seeing for 6 months now, I am the only person who knows about his condition.

Our relationship deepened, I know so much about him and he even more about me. He has told me very personal stories that he says has told only a selected few of his friends and tells me he has neverconnected with anyone so deep so fast.

This all sounds manipulative to me.

macaroon123 wrote:It feels like he is teasing me and wants to torture me at the same time.

May not be your imagination -- he may really enjoy inflicting emotional pain. Trust your gut on this.

macaroon123 wrote: I don't know whether those are narcisistic traits or is he just an asshole, and if it is a personality problem - how do I best deal with it.

Does it matter if he's a narcissist or an asshole? Is one better than the other? How best to deal with it is your choice. He's not going to change and will likely treat you worse as time goes on. If I were you, I'd be gone.
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Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby shanzeek » Fri Aug 25, 2017 9:46 pm

macaroon123 wrote:He has told me very personal stories that he says has told only a selected few of his friends and tells me he has never connected with anyone so deep so fast.


If there EVER was a red flag, it's this one. It's a complete bullsh*t, a trap, I hate hearing this from someone.
Never trust this sudden intention to speed things up, for no apparent reason. All the people that came into my life and wanted INSTANT things, instant trust and relationship, were very f*cked up. Unless you like 'em ###$ up, then all's good.
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Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby Round5 » Sat Sep 09, 2017 11:17 pm

shanzeek wrote:
macaroon123 wrote:He has told me very personal stories that he says has told only a selected few of his friends and tells me he has never connected with anyone so deep so fast.


If there EVER was a red flag, it's this one. It's a complete bullsh*t, a trap, I hate hearing this from someone.
Never trust this sudden intention to speed things up, for no apparent reason. All the people that came into my life and wanted INSTANT things, instant trust and relationship, were very f*cked up. Unless you like 'em ###$ up, then all's good.


I so concur, Shanzeek. And you aren't using hyperbole when you state "All". In a period of decades, I've had three intimate relationships that ended in Cat. 6 disaster (each person meeting the criteria for a Cluster B disorder and one co-morbid with a Cluster A), and, in retrospect, each person did the same at the beginning of the relationship: "You are my soul mate", "I've never felt this way about anyone", "I've never loved someone so fully and quickly", "I've never felt so connected", "I want to be your partner in EVERYTHING for the rest of our lives", blah blah blah. The term some use to describe this is "love bombing".

Having learned my lesson, I had another guy attempt the same last year following the sixth or so date in a relatively short time frame, and I struggled not to openly laugh.

macaroon123, it's one of the first red flags indicating trouble (the specific variety of trouble is irrelevant) and should never be ignored.
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Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby katricianh5 » Wed Sep 13, 2017 11:25 pm

Hi, Hope this is the right place to post If there is a better thread I am happy to post there.

I am coming out of a relationship with someone who I am certain is a narcissist. He certainly believes he special and engaged in love bombing, and used emotionally punishing behaviour such as not talking to me if I disagreed with him or did something that he though was unacceptable such as like a picture on Facebook, but then coming back with an apology.

I broke up with him. After disentangling from the various things that could have meant some form of connection, I was going well at no contact. He was trying every trick - passive aggressive use of language, accusing me of being unprofessional or needy or flawed, trying to control where I lived. And then finally he was nice and seemed vulnerable so I relented and after a brief exchange, after a few days I messaged and was very conciliatory and we met up. It was lovely, he was saying stuff like he loved me the first time he saw me and how much it had hurt to see me created distance but then hours later he was accusing me of lying and flirting through something he had through a casual conversation and a drink I did not tell him about.

Does this sound like a narcissistic break up cycle and how should I deal with it? I know I should have gone no contact and should not have relented, so I am blaming myself now but it's hard to feel I am at fault and is anger and annoyance is justified.

Thanks
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Re: Questions About Relationships From Nons

Postby shanzeek » Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:44 pm

katricianh5 wrote:It was lovely, he was saying stuff like he loved me the first time he saw me and how much it had hurt to see me created distance but then hours later he was accusing me of lying and flirting through something he had through a casual conversation and a drink I did not tell him about.

Does this sound like a narcissistic break up cycle and how should I deal with it?




No idea if he's a narcissist, but what happened once is bound to happen again. Fasten your seatbelt and prepare for a bumpy ride. :idea:
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what do we do when we realise that our best friend is a narc

Postby doash » Wed Oct 18, 2017 9:30 pm

What should you do when you realise that your best friend is a narcissist?

There are some obvious and common outcomes that you really need to avoid,

its important to stop seeing oneself as a victim. Take some responsibility. I drew this person into my life. I welcomed him into my life. I have felt strong feelings of love and affection for him. He is my best friend.

we draw our friends to us and so if your best friend is a narcissist, then you’ve drawn him to you for a reason. Finding out how and why you have drawn him/her to you is a valuable learning experience.

however,when it gets to the point that you feel that something is intolerable, then you really do need to get proactive, and thinking about your options. If you don’t do this, then there’s a good chance that you and your friend will end up in a big raging argument, saying cruel things that cannot be taken back, and falling out totally for good.

I have recently asked myself this question - what should i do - and felt some urgency to answer it.

When we first realise that our friend is a narcissist some questions appear to have a new meaning.

• How often does he/she interrupt me?
• How often am I simply contradicted?
• How regularly is what I have said been totally ignored?
• Do I feel exasperated?
• Do I feel hurt?
• Have I been labelled as ‘difficult’?
• Are the two of you often competing – or does it feel that way?

Sometimes we reach a point when we are sick of these patterns. Something is stirring within us. We can no longer stand our friend’s narcissistic control.

So, in becoming more self aware we want to identify the patterns that we are following.

I’m going to give a personal example here from my own situation.

Three of us spend time together. My friend, ‘Stan’, ‘Sheryl’ and me.

Sheryl shares something personal. – a problem. I respond to her, asking her for key information. Having heard maybe two or three questions – never more than three, Stan jumps in with his own question. He then asks an indefinite and unending series of questions, but always ends up by telling some story about himself. Sheryl goes along with this like clockwork, answering each of his factual questions, for as long as it takes.
This pattern can repeat ad infinitum.
So, by asking, what should we do when we realise than our best friend is a narcissist is to answer this question – if we don’t like how the dynamic is going, if we think that we are being used, then how can we change it.

This is the question that I have set myself to answer.
The first useful thing to identity what cannot we changes. And this the lithe key. Stan will not change. He will always pursue avidly, tirelessly the narcissistic supply that’s available in the group – passive listeners. He will never change if he has a choice not to. That has atop be worked with. It cannot be ignored, rotten around, convinced, persuaded. It cannot even be reasoned with.

When and where does it happen?

We compete for Sheryl’s attention. We are both narcissistically supplied by it. But Sheryl cannot keep us both happy. She can only listen to one of us at a time. Why do we need to compete? Because our ideas are so totally different and contradictory. we cannot pursue both directions. Their perspectives are anathema to each other.

I’m reminded of a historical event.

A village was massacred – put to the mouth of the sword – because they could not defend themselves in the dark. It looks as though they could have survived, but they shot themselves in the foot. They knew that they could defender their garrison from any direct attack – given enough light. However, the same people who had convinced the villagers to spend their last energies building a large bonfire, lost out in an argument over who should light the fire. The government decreed that the top officials should light the fire – the rumour has spread that they were safe, and no one really had anything to worry about because the military would now take care of the problem and ensure the citizenry physical safety.

After the top officials lit the bonfire it burned brightly for one hour. But it could have lasted for 4 hours had it been lit properly.

the village was overwhelmed and all the men were killed and the women and children sold into slavery.

Returning to my situation with Stan and Cheryl: it is a fact that Stan will never change. We’ll get close for a while, and things will feel good. He’ll look like he could be changing in some important way, then blam! He's right back onto the same old patterns return with greater control than ever.
So what am I to do? I really don’t want to be feed back into the machine. But I don’t want to lose this friend completely. I really want to have a good time hanging out here, but that’s definitely not happening at he moment.

What keeps this pattern going?

• Sheryl shares something personal with us. I ask her questions about what she's said to understand her better.
• Stan always dominates. Joe interrupts me, talks over me, ignores me, and decisively brings Sheryl’s attention to him. She is now answering his questions.
• Stan always ends up talking about himself. He never tires of having his ego massaged. Never.
• If I ever actual start to win with Stan – for instance, sometimes I can get him to keep talking and taking simply by answering in superlatives – ‘wow!’, really, you did that?, ‘cool’- then Sheryl will step to bring it to an end and say ‘Stan, don’t you know that Doash is taking the piss out of you?’
• I end up being called names, feeling hurt and questioning my own seen of judgement.
• Stan talks 90% of the time.
• I find his talk boring, repetitive, superficial, shallow.
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Re: what do we do when we realise that our best friend is a narc

Postby Spaced » Wed Oct 18, 2017 10:32 pm

Why should you do anything? He's already your friend so clearly there's something about him you like. There's no magic strategy that's going to improve the group dynamic. You know he's extremely unlikely to change so either stick around or spend more time with other people.
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Re: what do we do when we realise that our best friend is a narc

Postby shanzeek » Wed Oct 18, 2017 11:15 pm

Dude, your problem is not Stan, there'll always be Stans in your life who'll steal Sheryls away. You seem to want the same attention Stan's been getting, but you're simply unable to acquire it.
If you want to stop being the submissive one, you need to work on your issues, not Stan's. :P
(And maybe ask Sheryl out? Since I'm guessing this is what all this is really about. )

As an experiment, get inside a "Stan" role and try mirroring what Stan does, it might come handy. However, if I was Sheryl, I'd be very annoyed by this Stan and his constant interruption of other people.
Last edited by shanzeek on Wed Oct 18, 2017 11:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: what do we do when we realise that our best friend is a narc

Postby doash » Wed Oct 18, 2017 11:22 pm

You guess wrong. Sheryl is married. Stan and I are both friends with her husband. you are correct though, that we are competing for her attention. we are both seeking narcissistic supply from her.
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Re: what do we do when we realise that our best friend is a narc

Postby shanzeek » Wed Oct 18, 2017 11:32 pm

I thought you were in high school to be honest. :lol:

Anyways, to be the centre of attention, one needs to be the most interesting person in the room (or loudest/most dominant, like your friend Stan). It also depends on the personality type of Sheryl. You can either leave the trio, up your game and become more interesting or learn to fight back when he tries to steal your spotlight.
Did I mention how energy-draining all this sounds? I hope it's worth it to you, it would bore me to death.
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