Adult Daughters of Mothers with NPD

Hello: I am 62 years old have recently discovered that what I went through with my mother has a name. It's been very emotional for me this week and I have been amazed that others have suffered as I have. On the advice of a friend I have ordered a book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" which is supposed to focus on recovery and healing. With what I have left of my life I want to feel peaceful and be at ease. I am interested in communicating with other Daughters of Mothers with NPD and perhaps together we can help each other on the journey of recovery and healing.

Hi, mspurplepearl! I'm sorry your mother put you through a lot of stuff that no one deserves. You can talk here. We have forums for emotional and other kinds of abuse too. You can also PM me, if you want.

Hello mspurplepear ! I am about your age and only about five years ago found out about NPD. I first began reading 'Children of the Self-Absorbed" by Nina Brown which then led me on to the book you mention. I found the forum attached to that book until it went down.

I know how emotional you feel about finding out about "the problem". It has been wonderfully helpful to be in touch with other daughters of narcissistic mothers.

Suddenly you are vindicated and you can begin the healing process knowing that you were not to blame. It was emotional abuse and for those five or so years I tried to continue communication in a removed manner - I moved interstate to get away from the emotional abuse. Three months ago I realised I was still being manipulated so I decided to cut all contact. It has been the beginning of true healing for me.

I look forward to you sharing your story if you are able.

A book that some might want to read, after reading the books which explain the dynamics between a parent/child narcissistic relationship, is Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood. I use it in my practice.
It's written by Wayne Muller who is a therapist and graduate of Harvard Divinity School. It's not specific to narcissism; it deals with all kinds of pain from childhood.

Here's a snippet just from the prelude:

When we are hurt as children, we can quickly learn to see ourselves as broken, handicapped, or defective in some essential way. As we remember with excruciating precision the violations and injustices that devastated our tender hearts, we come to view our chidhood as a terrible painful mistake. At times, the enormity of our childhood sorrow can fill us with a sense of hopelessness, disappointment, and despair. (In my therapy work, I have worked with thousands of people) who sought to heal the painful residue of their childhood suffering. Even as they struggled to be free, the reverberations of family sorrow continued to infect their adult lives, their loves, even their dreams.

Yet, at the same time, I have also noted that adults who were hurt as children inevitably exhibit a peculiar strength, a profound inner wisdom, and a remarkable creativity and insight. Deep within them - just beneath the wound - lies a profound spiritual vitality, a quiet knowing, a way of percieiving what is beautiful, right, and true. A painful childhood invariably focuses our attention on the inner life. In response to childhood hurt, we learn to cultivate a heightened awareness, and sharpen our capacity to discern how things move and change in our environment. Childhood pain encourages us to watch things more closely, to listen more carefully, to attend to the subtle imbalances that arise within and around us. We can develop an exquisite ability to feel the feelings of others, and we become exceptionally mindful of every conflict, every flicker of hope or despair.

Family pain broke us open and set our hearts on a pilgrimage in search of the love and belonging, safety and abundance, joy and peace that were missing form our childhood story. Seen through this lens, family sorrow is not only a painful wound to be endured, analyzed, and treated. It may in fact become a seed that gives birth to our spiritual healing and awakening.

Thankyou for the book reference. I have certainly noted a strength and determination that came out of that experience and the excerpt connects with my feelings. I know it gave me the tools to become a good parent myself, knowing what I missed was important to children, and for that I am grateful.

For all the grieving entailed, after the losses are mourned, meaning and purpose has to come out of this journey.

Hello mspurplepearl. I know I am quite late to this discussion, but I hope you still check the replies to your post. I myself only found out I was the scapegoat daughter of a narcissistic mother this past April, so I'm only starting to reach out to others who share a similar story.

I really hope you have put your life back together. My heart truly goes out to you. I hope anyone who reads this finds my story helpful. I will only share something brief here, as my story is quite long and complicated, but I know I need to start getting these things off my chest in order to begin the healing process.

I always knew there was something seriously wrong with my mother. I didn't know exactly what it was, but my heart told me that the way she treated me wasn't right. There was so much hostility there, so much contempt in the way she talked to me, the way she always rolled her eyes and sneered at me, always trying to keep me down, always disapproving.

No wonder I always compared her to the mother in the movies "Mommy Dearest" and "Flowers in the Attic." Yes, she was, and still is, that kind of a mother. Self absorbed, always bragging about her accomplishments, always demanding that her children and grandchildren crowd around her to watch her cry her crocodile tears.

She demands nothing less than a complete and utter devotion and adoration. She has published three books at my expense. I devoted long hours to editing, designing the covers and even ghost writing large parts of them, only to find out that she took credit for all my work. But this is really quite nothing compared to what she stole.

She stole 20 years of my son's life from me. The moment my boy was born, she snatched him away from me and pushed me aside like I was some rented womb she could dispose of. The way she got me to acquiesce for so long is because she enslaved my mind with religion. She would constantly remind me that depriving her from her divine right to be a grandmother was going against God, and that it was a sin to stand up for my own maternal rights.

For 20 years, I internalized all the pain I felt every time I tried to go near my son and he would kick and scream to get me away from him. He became my mother's child, and she was constantly telling him, "don't listen to her, she's crazy, she's sick, she needs help."

I was undermined, humiliated, made out to feel like I was the evil daughter every time I cried out in rage because I was being separated from my only child and I couldn't find a way to reclaim him.

Today, none of my siblings talk to me, and my son came very close to never wanting to see me again after he moved out. The only sibling that still has somewhat of a relationship with me constantly defends her and tries to gaslight me into thinking that she's the victim, that it's all my fault that she never loved me, that I'm the one to blame for everything, and that Mother has suffered so much because of how rebellious I've been.

Fortunately, I started seeing the light when she came home one day and actually bragged about how she'd been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. "Oh, yes, she said. I am a narcissist, alright. I feel superior and I see people like $#%^."

I know it sounds really hard to believe, how a 60 something-year-old woman who teaches junior high and has a masters degree and a credential can behave like that, but she does. She takes pride in being a narcissist because her own mother was a narcissist, and she used to punish her by humiliating her in public and calling her stupid in front of her friends.

All that pain she felt when her own narcissistic mother tortured her emotionally she has taken out on me. In order to get away from her, I had to go live in a homeless shelter. I had to sell my car and throw away most of my belongings because I didn't have a place to store them.

I literally went through hell, because I had resorted to doing drugs to drown all the pain of her abandonment and disdain. Especially so, because my son had come to perceive me as a useless junkie who was crazy and couldn't hold a candle to his dear sweet grandma.

Little by little, I have been able to put my life back together. I went to rehab and finally got off the drugs, then moved closer to my son, and we started going to church together. Nowadays, I can finally say that I have a normal, functional relationship with my boy.

I finally got away from the dark shadow of the malignant narcissistic womb that gave birth to me. I still have nightmares though, and I wake up overcome by rage and pain for all the years she stole from me. I know I can't take that back. I know that time is gone, but at least I know I can reach out to other scapegoat daughters who can understand where I'm coming from.

I want to encourage anyone who has gone through something like this to please tell their story. The dynamic of the narcissistic mother and her scapegoat daughter is not addressed in the mental health industry. Psychiatrists just want to pathologize and prescribe drugs instead of addressing the source of the problem.

So many daughters out there are suffering because they don't understand the dynamic, because no one tells them that it's not their fault that they were born out of a vampiric womb that only wanted to consume the life out of them.

Scapegoat daughters, I know it's painful, but we have to tell our stories, so that doctors finally catch up and start treating us effectively instead of pumping us full of drugs. Drugs may help with symptoms but they don't eliminate the problem.

The problem is the fact that we want that mother love so desperately, that we're willing to take all the blame ourselves. Society has to know about us. This world has to hear our plea because nobody believes us. It is a very disturbing truth that no one wants to confront. Yes, there are many Mommy Dearests out there. There are many self-absorbed, superficial, vain, egotistical, Flowers-in-the-Attic mothers out there.

It's time their daughters came out of those attics where they kept us trapped all our lives. Don't eat the poisoned donuts any more. Reclaim your lives. Reclaim your children. It's okay to leave and never look back. It's okay to never, ever, talk to them again. It's okay. There is a loving God out there who is not going to punish us because we couldn't honor the vampiric wombs we were born from.

Original poster,

You have found a good place to discuss your issues in this place. I cant entirely relate to you, as i am the Adopted son of a narcissistic mother, and the wounds caused by a narcissistic mother to her daughter are similar but on a different wavelength that touches a womans identity as a female.

I see similarity in your tale with regards to your kids. If my sister was alive still today (she committed suicide after years of fighting to get her two daughters back into her life after n mom took them away) and reached your age i am sure she would be posting a similar tale to yours. Religion oddly reared its head something feirce in my family whenever she seemed to get caught on the wrong side of her own misdeeds in my family as well.

Be strong - you have lived this long, be thankful for that as you are truly a survivor.

There is another thread in this forum, "adult children of narcissists" a page or two back that is more gender neutral, i started one for sons of narcissistic mothers as well. Gender specific or not, you will likely see many stories similar to your own in those threads; feel free to review them and post to them as well as here in your thread for daughters.

You are lucky in one regard: there are a lot of resources for daughters of narcissistic mothers. The books you have been recommended are more tailored to your scenario. There isnt much for sons at all.

It is a very tough few months after realizing the "name" for what hapoened to us in our childhoods and throughout our lives, and about how predictably similar our mothers treated us due to this evil disorder. I am no contact for a year now, and it still makes my blood boil on some days when i think back.

I will not digress into my story here in your thread as its for daughters, my story is posted all over the other two threads ive pointed out to you.

Be strong. You are in for quite the journey now looking back down memory lane and reframing your entire life with new eyes. Anger, sadness at what was lost, what could have been, disappointment, and the "what ifs" will consume you at times. Be sure to treat yourself to some peaceful alone time away from responsibilities and other people from time to time so you have room to process the minute details that only you can understand. Try not to overburden your loved ones with your memories replayed over and over too much, but be sure to share the birds eye of what you are going through.

Understand that many people will not understand. How could they? Their parents cared about them, wanted them to succeed and grow into themselves as their own persons, offered them help instead of a tripping kick to the floor in their time of need. Dont blame them for their ignorance and dont resent them because they had a normal life.

-- Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:27 am --

Original poster,

You have found a good place to discuss your issues in this place. I cant entirely relate to you, as i am the Adopted son of a narcissistic mother, and the wounds caused by a narcissistic mother to her daughter are similar but on a different wavelength that touches a womans identity as a female.

I see similarity in your tale with regards to your kids. If my sister was alive still today (she committed suicide after years of fighting to get her two daughters back into her life after n mom took them away) and reached your age i am sure she would be posting a similar tale to yours. Religion oddly reared its head something feirce in my family whenever she seemed to get caught on the wrong side of her own misdeeds in my family as well.

Be strong - you have lived this long, be thankful for that as you are truly a survivor.

There is another thread in this forum, "adult children of narcissists" a page or two back that is more gender neutral, i started one for sons of narcissistic mothers as well. Gender specific or not, you will likely see many stories similar to your own in those threads; feel free to review them and post to them as well as here in your thread for daughters.

You are lucky in one regard: there are a lot of resources for daughters of narcissistic mothers. The books you have been recommended are more tailored to your scenario. There isnt much for sons at all.

It is a very tough few months after realizing the "name" for what hapoened to us in our childhoods and throughout our lives, and about how predictably similar our mothers treated us due to this evil disorder. I am no contact for a year now, and it still makes my blood boil on some days when i think back.

I will not digress into my story here in your thread as its for daughters, my story is posted all over the other two threads ive pointed out to you.

Be strong. You are in for quite the journey now looking back down memory lane and reframing your entire life with new eyes. Anger, sadness at what was lost, what could have been, disappointment, and the "what ifs" will consume you at times. Be sure to treat yourself to some peaceful alone time away from responsibilities and other people from time to time so you have room to process the minute details that only you can understand. Try not to overburden your loved ones with your memories replayed over and over too much, but be sure to share the birds eye of what you are going through.

Understand that many people will not understand. How could they? Their parents cared about them, wanted them to succeed and grow into themselves as their own persons, offered them help instead of a tripping kick to the floor in their time of need. Dont blame them for their ignorance and dont resent them because they had a normal life.

-- Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:29 am --

Original poster,

You have found a good place to discuss your issues in this place. I cant entirely relate to you, as i am the Adopted son of a narcissistic mother, and the wounds caused by a narcissistic mother to her daughter are similar but on a different wavelength that touches a womans identity as a female.

I see similarity in your tale with regards to your kids. If my sister was alive still today (she committed suicide after years of fighting to get her two daughters back into her life after n mom took them away) and reached your age i am sure she would be posting a similar tale to yours. Religion oddly reared its head something feirce in my family whenever she seemed to get caught on the wrong side of her own misdeeds in my family as well.

Be strong - you have lived this long, be thankful for that as you are truly a survivor.

There is another thread in this forum, "adult children of narcissists" a page or two back that is more gender neutral, i started one for sons of narcissistic mothers as well. Gender specific or not, you will likely see many stories similar to your own in those threads; feel free to review them and post to them as well as here in your thread for daughters.

You are lucky in one regard: there are a lot of resources for daughters of narcissistic mothers. The books you have been recommended are more tailored to your scenario. There isnt much for sons at all.

It is a very tough few months after realizing the "name" for what hapoened to us in our childhoods and throughout our lives, and about how predictably similar our mothers treated us due to this evil disorder. I am no contact for a year now, and it still makes my blood boil on some days when i think back.

I will not digress into my story here in your thread as its for daughters, my story is posted all over the other two threads ive pointed out to you.

Be strong. You are in for quite the journey now looking back down memory lane and reframing your entire life with new eyes. Anger, sadness at what was lost, what could have been, disappointment, and the "what ifs" will consume you at times. Be sure to treat yourself to some peaceful alone time away from responsibilities and other people from time to time so you have room to process the minute details that only you can understand. Try not to overburden your loved ones with your memories replayed over and over too much, but be sure to share the birds eye of what you are going through.

Understand that many people will not understand. How could they? Their parents cared about them, wanted them to succeed and grow into themselves as their own persons, offered them help instead of a tripping kick to the floor in their time of need. Dont blame them for their ignorance and dont resent them because they had a normal life.

I’m 43 years old and visiting my parents. After sobbing all night feeling like I did was a kid (which happens everyone I see them..) I google never good enough for parents and found all this stuff about narcissistic mothers. It is my mum. I thought I needed to talk to people who will understand now but now I’m here I don’t know where to start. I feel like years of self loathing might now be able to stop and some sense of pressure being lifted and clarity for everything I’ve never been able to get straight in my head. I’m still here with them for another week but it will be the last time I visit and do this to myself. I have a 20 year old daughter who has visited with me and has tried to tell me before that she sees what they do to me.. she went home yesterday and said this is the final straw for her. I usually tell her they don’t know what they are doing is not their fault and I’m sure they don’t meant to hurt me. Anyway I’m rambling .. I’ve had a life changing discovery and I think things will get better for me now . A weight I’ve carried since childhood has been lifted a bit.. no .. a lot. ( I just smiled) things are going to change.

Although I felt sort of better before finding out that I have a narcissist mother and maybe I can get better , I’m not so confident now. It’s not that easy. I’m stuck in another country with them for another week. I was suicidal last night coz of things said and years of my childhood situations coming back to mess with my head . I’ve let them go out without me today saying I am unwell and for a minute I stopped feeling bad and worrying I’d upset her by not going but now I’m back to feeling like I’m in the wrong and I’m a bad daughter. What’s wrong with me I’ve never known. I txt my best friend to say I love and missed her.. she loves me for who I am and I don’t have many friends because I can’t see why anyone would really like me. I want to go home and be with my daughter and my friend and away from my mum and dad ( who when I was kid and my mum said I didn’t love her and stuff used to say stop being a martyr but now just lets her come out with this stuff) she said the other day she always thought I was bright and if I applied myself I could of been good. My dad gave me a knowing looked and laughed and I just said I am good! But inside I was crippled again. I have a daughter and I love her she amazes me and I tell her.. she amazes me just for being and I don’t understand why my mum can’t see me. I think I can now accept she never will I don’t think she likes me I never have. She likes other people and impressed by them but never anything I do even when I think she will . I’m never good enough and why do I care why can’t i just not let it bother me especially since I now know what she is. I know I need not to be near her and generally don’t see much of them but I get to feeling good and forget and then visit them and go back to not coping. I started cutting myself at age 9, eating disorders and depression by 16 suicide attempt number 1 at 17 . I ran away from home then and I can’t begin on her to say all the things that have gone on between then and now but my whole life has been messed up coz of how she makes me feel. Still doing it now . I’ve known for years why I am the way I am because of things she said and did but I can never tell her because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I’m here with my parents for another week and feel like screaming but I will hold it in to keep the peace. I don’t know how to deal with all this will I feel better when I go home and will I be strong enough not to put myself in a situation where I’m trying to please her but hurting myself. I think I will because I’ll talk about it with my daughter and she will help me and remind me what happens when I’m near my mum. Will I stop making excuses for my mum. I don’t think I love my mum but I haven’t been able to say that before without feeling like there was something wrong with me not her. I want to go home... 6 days to go. I need to stay strong but I feel sick and have a headache.. this is really hard.

Hello, I too am 62 years old and I was raised by a NM and siblings who joined in with my NM. I have ordered the book you mentioned and I have spent a lot of time online reading about NM. I think my mother also suffered from Munchausen. I had to go NC with with NM and siblings after she became terminally ill last year. I could no take the abuse. My husband died in 2014 and I no longer had him to protect me from their abuse. My mother passed last May and I remain NC with my siblings. It is so good to feel some peace in my life now. I only wish I had known about narcissism many years ago, maybe I could have saved myself. I have so many issues. I have no self-esteem. I see myself as unlovable even though I was married to a wonderful man for 38 years. But now that they are not around to cut me down all the time, hopefully I will start feeling better about myself.