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The Narcissistic Mother

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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby pajaro » Sun Oct 18, 2015 9:24 pm

Reading through the threads here have shown me what I have been exposed to was nothing more than abuse, guised as care and affection.


Welcome to the world of ACON's, Rushda. The more loudly and frequently an N-mother tells her kids she loves them, the more viciously she tries to hurt them. My mother was consumed with the most toxic jealousy I've ever seen in any human being. Jealousy completed destroyed what started out as a very good, intelligent mind. By the time she died, she had turned her jealousy on every other human being who crossed her path, and she ended up alone and abandoned to the care of me, the very child she most deeply hated and abused (in the name of the purest of pure loves, of course!). I didn't understand all this at the time, and just loved her as I always had, taking care of her happily and willingly. It was years later before I realized how severely abusive she had been and how traumatic my childhood had been. She had made me believe from the day I was born that I was a "monster," "evil," "sent from Satan to destroy her," etc. So I tried my hardest not to be evil, loved her, took care of her, and chose a life and career of caring for others to try to mitigate the horrible person that I was. In the end, I won. She drove herself to an early grave with her psychosis, and I have lived a happy and successful life. Yes, she victimized me for many years. But try as hard she could, she did not change who I was. She could not turn me into the monster she wanted me to be. I was just who I was, and nothing she did to me could change that. And in the end, she had to recognize that just a little bit, when she had to rely on me for every tiny thing in her life. It was a shock to her that I was a kind enough person to keep coming back and taking care of her after everything she had done to me. She knew she had nothing to sucker me with or leverage me with or hoover me with, and she finally had to recognize that there was such a thing as genuine love, and that I had it. It was just a tiny step forward for her, but I think it was an important one.

I still live with the legacy of her abuse, and probably always will. A lot of therapy has helped, but my permanent case of PTSD will never fully go away. Still, I would a million times rather be me than be her!!!!!!!!!! We are the winners, despite the appearance of victimhood. The true victims are the ones who fall prey to their own fear of being open and loving and truthful human beings. The truly strong ones are those of us who are strong enough to look the truth in the eye, and continue to love others despite the great risks and dangers. It takes courage to love and be open to others, especially after 20 o3 30 or 40 years of relentless abuse. That's what NPD's don't understand. We are the truly courageous people!
We can have a million and one acquaintances, but if none of our connections feel intimate and meaningful, we will ultimately feel alone.
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby redsonya » Mon Sep 04, 2017 4:49 pm

Wow....

That description of a narcissistic mother fits mine to a tee. The "coldness" unless you were the "special one" at the time or she wanted something from you. The punishments (being locked in our rooms overnight with no food or put to bed at 5pm when it was still light out) when she was angry at her husband or just life in general. Marrying and staying married to a man who had sexually abused his own daughter and allowing him to abuse me and my brother (his son) so she wouldn't have to be on her own and work. She only actually left him when he got a new girlfriend and they were having a baby together. She would pretend to believe me that he had abused me (he was inappropriate in FRONT of her and she was not surprised at all when another adult confronted her about it) and then go behind my back to tell the police that I was lying so she could keep him around and out of trouble.

I went years without talking to her after that - she only met my husband of 14 years once, until we found out he had terminal cancer. She had wanted to move to my area for a long time, but couldn't afford it because she has "fibromalgia" and cannot work (she does "pioneer" for the Jehovah's Witnesses though, meaning walking door to door 40 hours a week). She swooped in and helped me take care of him on hospice until he passed. I was pregnant at the time with our first baby so she helped me with my daughter. I actually thought that maybe she had changed and totally forgave her - we actually had a good relationship. Looking back of course, we had a good relationship because I was giving her what she wanted at the time: she was able to move back to my area and live with me for free, I gave her my husband's car to drive and a credit card that she used for whatever she wanted (it was supposed to be for groceries and gas only). She actually refused to leave after 18 months. I found out later it was because she had found a man in the local JW church that she was working on so she could marry him/stay in my area (this is her fourth marriage). She succeeded of course - he is about 20 years older than her, but has a house and a little money. After that, I was no longer "necessary" so she did whatever she wanted. Including turning my husbands funeral at my home into a 30 minute JW speech and bible lesson, inviting her JW friends (who I didn't even know), and handing out JW magazines. She refused to apologize and her husband actually told me "that I should be grateful to have the chance to get out the JW message". We didn't talk for 9 months until my dad died on my birthday. She messaged me two weeks later to tell me what a horrible mother I am, how I am teaching my daughter hatred just like my father did to me, etc, etc - because I wouldn't let her see my daughter without apologizing and agreeing to respect my very well known boundaries. Its been almost three years since then, and she has reached out one time by "liking" photos of my deceased husband on my MILs social media page. This is also typical of her. She will not apologize, unless its done in a way that makes it clear that none of it was really her fault, but instead will wait until a sufficient enough time has passed (in her mind) to reach out somehow and wait for me to show interest in her. Then once I do, any discussion of what happened previously is off the table if I want her around.

Anyone else have the entire extended family wrapped up in this as well? My sisters, my aunts, my cousins.... I've taken leave of all of them, with just a bit of superficial contact for my daughter's sake for a couple years now. I still have moments of fear that I "need" them and thoughts of just calling and saying whatever they want me to say to be "taken back", but frankly, I am the happiest and most calm I have been in years out of that fray.
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby TAngel » Sat Aug 18, 2018 1:48 am

This is my mother! I was raised by my grandmother who loved me and cared about me. When my grandma died, my mother told me the news by a text. I never felt loved from my own mother but she will tell the world how much she sacrificed for me. She will tell me and every family member how much I owe her and I'm always not good enough on anything. When I was 13, she told me my height is built with the money she spent on me, and i need to pay her back one day, and the amount will be the cash that get stack together to my own height. She will never call me unless shes in trouble or needs help from me. When I help her she will never think it's good enough and calls me incompetent. When I was accepted to university she doubted me and tells me if I can graduate. I part time to make money. She has two houses where I help pay her property tax, but I had to take out a full loan myself to attend school. I feel she sucks out every part of my soul and I feel guilty for hating her and blaming her. The society doesn't understand and none of the people around me would understand. When it's a holiday she will call me to remind me to buy her gifts so she can show off to her friends. I finally learned to say no, and she pretends to be vulnerable and guilt trip me again. When I politely turn her down, she will be very sarcastic. I thought of ending my life so I can feel relieved and also because I feel no one on this earth truly cares about me. Then I know she will just use that to play into her favor to show the world that she's always the victim. I let go, I forgive myself for hating her. She was so absent in my life and I decided from now on to be absent in her life. I have a choice too.
Because of her, I'm scared to have kids, all my friends have kids but I'll never be ready, I don't want to be like her. I still have to pay for her insurance and phone plan. That's all I can do for her even though I know I don't have to. In the end, she did spent money on me when I was little. I didnt choose to be born, she decided for me, so it was her responsibility to raise me, but she is a horrible manipulative mother.
Last edited by realityhere on Tue Aug 21, 2018 6:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Privacy.
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