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The Narcissistic Mother

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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby pajaro » Sun Oct 18, 2015 9:24 pm

Reading through the threads here have shown me what I have been exposed to was nothing more than abuse, guised as care and affection.


Welcome to the world of ACON's, Rushda. The more loudly and frequently an N-mother tells her kids she loves them, the more viciously she tries to hurt them. My mother was consumed with the most toxic jealousy I've ever seen in any human being. Jealousy completed destroyed what started out as a very good, intelligent mind. By the time she died, she had turned her jealousy on every other human being who crossed her path, and she ended up alone and abandoned to the care of me, the very child she most deeply hated and abused (in the name of the purest of pure loves, of course!). I didn't understand all this at the time, and just loved her as I always had, taking care of her happily and willingly. It was years later before I realized how severely abusive she had been and how traumatic my childhood had been. She had made me believe from the day I was born that I was a "monster," "evil," "sent from Satan to destroy her," etc. So I tried my hardest not to be evil, loved her, took care of her, and chose a life and career of caring for others to try to mitigate the horrible person that I was. In the end, I won. She drove herself to an early grave with her psychosis, and I have lived a happy and successful life. Yes, she victimized me for many years. But try as hard she could, she did not change who I was. She could not turn me into the monster she wanted me to be. I was just who I was, and nothing she did to me could change that. And in the end, she had to recognize that just a little bit, when she had to rely on me for every tiny thing in her life. It was a shock to her that I was a kind enough person to keep coming back and taking care of her after everything she had done to me. She knew she had nothing to sucker me with or leverage me with or hoover me with, and she finally had to recognize that there was such a thing as genuine love, and that I had it. It was just a tiny step forward for her, but I think it was an important one.

I still live with the legacy of her abuse, and probably always will. A lot of therapy has helped, but my permanent case of PTSD will never fully go away. Still, I would a million times rather be me than be her!!!!!!!!!! We are the winners, despite the appearance of victimhood. The true victims are the ones who fall prey to their own fear of being open and loving and truthful human beings. The truly strong ones are those of us who are strong enough to look the truth in the eye, and continue to love others despite the great risks and dangers. It takes courage to love and be open to others, especially after 20 o3 30 or 40 years of relentless abuse. That's what NPD's don't understand. We are the truly courageous people!
We can have a million and one acquaintances, but if none of our connections feel intimate and meaningful, we will ultimately feel alone.
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby redsonya » Mon Sep 04, 2017 4:49 pm

Wow....

That description of a narcissistic mother fits mine to a tee. The "coldness" unless you were the "special one" at the time or she wanted something from you. The punishments (being locked in our rooms overnight with no food or put to bed at 5pm when it was still light out) when she was angry at her husband or just life in general. Marrying and staying married to a man who had sexually abused his own daughter and allowing him to abuse me and my brother (his son) so she wouldn't have to be on her own and work. She only actually left him when he got a new girlfriend and they were having a baby together. She would pretend to believe me that he had abused me (he was inappropriate in FRONT of her and she was not surprised at all when another adult confronted her about it) and then go behind my back to tell the police that I was lying so she could keep him around and out of trouble.

I went years without talking to her after that - she only met my husband of 14 years once, until we found out he had terminal cancer. She had wanted to move to my area for a long time, but couldn't afford it because she has "fibromalgia" and cannot work (she does "pioneer" for the Jehovah's Witnesses though, meaning walking door to door 40 hours a week). She swooped in and helped me take care of him on hospice until he passed. I was pregnant at the time with our first baby so she helped me with my daughter. I actually thought that maybe she had changed and totally forgave her - we actually had a good relationship. Looking back of course, we had a good relationship because I was giving her what she wanted at the time: she was able to move back to my area and live with me for free, I gave her my husband's car to drive and a credit card that she used for whatever she wanted (it was supposed to be for groceries and gas only). She actually refused to leave after 18 months. I found out later it was because she had found a man in the local JW church that she was working on so she could marry him/stay in my area (this is her fourth marriage). She succeeded of course - he is about 20 years older than her, but has a house and a little money. After that, I was no longer "necessary" so she did whatever she wanted. Including turning my husbands funeral at my home into a 30 minute JW speech and bible lesson, inviting her JW friends (who I didn't even know), and handing out JW magazines. She refused to apologize and her husband actually told me "that I should be grateful to have the chance to get out the JW message". We didn't talk for 9 months until my dad died on my birthday. She messaged me two weeks later to tell me what a horrible mother I am, how I am teaching my daughter hatred just like my father did to me, etc, etc - because I wouldn't let her see my daughter without apologizing and agreeing to respect my very well known boundaries. Its been almost three years since then, and she has reached out one time by "liking" photos of my deceased husband on my MILs social media page. This is also typical of her. She will not apologize, unless its done in a way that makes it clear that none of it was really her fault, but instead will wait until a sufficient enough time has passed (in her mind) to reach out somehow and wait for me to show interest in her. Then once I do, any discussion of what happened previously is off the table if I want her around.

Anyone else have the entire extended family wrapped up in this as well? My sisters, my aunts, my cousins.... I've taken leave of all of them, with just a bit of superficial contact for my daughter's sake for a couple years now. I still have moments of fear that I "need" them and thoughts of just calling and saying whatever they want me to say to be "taken back", but frankly, I am the happiest and most calm I have been in years out of that fray.
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby TAngel » Sat Aug 18, 2018 1:48 am

This is my mother! I was raised by my grandmother who loved me and cared about me. When my grandma died, my mother told me the news by a text. I never felt loved from my own mother but she will tell the world how much she sacrificed for me. She will tell me and every family member how much I owe her and I'm always not good enough on anything. When I was 13, she told me my height is built with the money she spent on me, and i need to pay her back one day, and the amount will be the cash that get stack together to my own height. She will never call me unless shes in trouble or needs help from me. When I help her she will never think it's good enough and calls me incompetent. When I was accepted to university she doubted me and tells me if I can graduate. I part time to make money. She has two houses where I help pay her property tax, but I had to take out a full loan myself to attend school. I feel she sucks out every part of my soul and I feel guilty for hating her and blaming her. The society doesn't understand and none of the people around me would understand. When it's a holiday she will call me to remind me to buy her gifts so she can show off to her friends. I finally learned to say no, and she pretends to be vulnerable and guilt trip me again. When I politely turn her down, she will be very sarcastic. I thought of ending my life so I can feel relieved and also because I feel no one on this earth truly cares about me. Then I know she will just use that to play into her favor to show the world that she's always the victim. I let go, I forgive myself for hating her. She was so absent in my life and I decided from now on to be absent in her life. I have a choice too.
Because of her, I'm scared to have kids, all my friends have kids but I'll never be ready, I don't want to be like her. I still have to pay for her insurance and phone plan. That's all I can do for her even though I know I don't have to. In the end, she did spent money on me when I was little. I didnt choose to be born, she decided for me, so it was her responsibility to raise me, but she is a horrible manipulative mother.
Last edited by realityhere on Tue Aug 21, 2018 6:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Privacy.
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby JanieP » Thu Sep 20, 2018 11:33 pm

It was as though I was reading about my NM and siblings. I had to stop and catch my breath a few times. I only wish I had known all of this years ago. My NM has passed and I have NC with my siblings. She left this world and our relationships just as she wanted. So very sad. I find myself jealous of those who have meaningful loving relationships with their siblings. It is as if I am an only child.
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby Rosie12 » Wed Sep 26, 2018 3:02 pm

After reading the description of a narcissistic mother, my mother ticks most of the symptoms. There is so much I want to say she has done to me but there is to much to write about. What she has done has caused a lot of effects on my psyche. Just like another member posted I too suffer from second guessing myself, needing guidance on certain life directions etc because my mother has always had control over me.

I will give one of the things she did to me.

For 14 years I have been battling my weight, one year I was motivated I went from 180 lbs to 163 lbs in six weeks. I was so pleased with myself, I could finally go out to places I wanted to go, wear nice clothing and I felt on top of the world health wise.

During the time I was on my slender side my mother would corner me and say in a "concerned" voice "You looked so much better at 180 lbs (No I didn't, I was clearly overweight and close to obese) as you are now far to thin (Wrong again, I was just on the cusp of healthy/overweight and wasn't thin at all.)" When she saw that wasn't working and I continued on my health mission she tried another tatic "You are only losing your weight because your boyfriend told you to. He wants to have a thin girlfriend. He said so himself." I ignored her as my boyfriend told me I was sexy no matter what size.


Because of ignoring her, she thought up a different plan that ultimately sabotaged my weight loss. She knew I exercised early in the morning from 5:30 am and I would exercise before bed at around 11 pm when everyone was asleep. I did this because I hate everyone watching me work out. She would make snide comments when I worked out and laughed if I had trouble with certain exercises. Within time she started getting up at 5 am and rush to the living room and put on the TV so I couldn't exercise. Then she started to stay up until 12 am so she knew I was to tired to exercise. She also started to serve me my favourite food at dinner time.


Before I knew it I gained back the lost weight and even more. She was so smug when I gained it back. Even thought it was funny when I had to buy size 16 clothes. When I started to become seriously ill from my weight gain of 227lbs she was no longer laughing. Now it is all "concerns" and I need to lose weight. It really pissed me off. If she left me alone in the first place I am sure I would be super healthy.
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby jjm » Mon Oct 22, 2018 3:57 pm

THIS describes my mother to a T and I didn't realize/didn't want to admit that she was a narcissist because she raised me all of my life to glorify her in all that she does.
I began having issues with her when I started dating my current boyfriend almost 2 years ago. We are very serious (im 21 he is 23) and blending him into the family is very important to me. I've always been big on family, and his family is great at making me feel welcome and at home. I always feel very comfortable. My family (my mom, rather) on the other hand, does a very poor job. Since day 1 she has been completely unwelcoming. She goes out of her way to not include him and never wants him around. She doesn't invite him to family events, or casual nights for dinner to try and get to know him, she doesn't talk to him when he's around unless its about her and she hates how much time I spend with him (twice a week..). I have tried countless times to confront her on the issue along with other family members. All she does is get defensive, saying she has been more than nice that she invites him sometimes and he doesn't need to be everywhere and claims that she talks to him. Things haven't changed. It is my dad's birthday this friday and she said we are going out for dinner and hasn't mentioned or invited my boyfriend to come along. I don't know where to go from here, what to say or what to do. It seems like im always repeating myself but Im losing sleep over it and am anxious and I really feel hopeless. PLEASE help me. :(
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby realityhere » Tue Oct 23, 2018 11:04 pm

Sometimes one has to go around a controlling person.

If your dad knows about his birthday plans, how about asking him if he can invite the boyfriend over to join in his celebration, so that you guys can get better acquainted? Barring that, the boyfriend could crash the party, provided he pays for his and your tab? You're adults and can figure something out. Your mom may not like the intrusion, but that's her problem, not yours.

Sounds as though your mom is not so "big" on family inclusion...what an irony.
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