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The Narcissistic Mother

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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby Callalily » Thu Dec 19, 2013 6:17 pm

I just spent an hour reading this thread. I don't really have much to contribute except to say that it's one of the most upsetting things I've ever read. I sort of want to cry and throw up at the same time. I cannot imagine what it would be like to grow up like this. I honestly think it would be more damaging than even physical or sexual abuse. You are all very brave people. :(
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby Eight » Fri Dec 20, 2013 5:02 am

Callalily wrote:I just spent an hour reading this thread. I don't really have much to contribute except to say that it's one of the most upsetting things I've ever read. I sort of want to cry and throw up at the same time. I cannot imagine what it would be like to grow up like this. I honestly think it would be more damaging than even physical or sexual abuse. You are all very brave people. :(


The genuineness of your compassion shines through, Callalily. Since this is my story, I thank you for posting your compassion.
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby Pink01 » Fri Dec 20, 2013 6:13 am

ForumKat wrote:So here's how my NM is trying to make my Christmas miserable this year, the first year that told her I wouldn't be spending Christmas with her (since she makes ALL my Christmases miserable…)

She is sending all my gifts to me directly from Amazon, unwrapped. So that when I get a package addressed to me, not knowing of course, if I ordered something or if it's through my Secret Santa exchange that I do with people with Amazon, I open it and I see my gifts before Christmas.

She is the most miserable, passive-aggressive narcissistic person I know. I'm so effing done with her, and then she just can't figure out why. <sigh>

Kat


I have no idea why this is bad.... :?
be lucky you're getting anything...
There's Trouble in Candyland

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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby Callalily » Fri Dec 20, 2013 10:11 pm

Eight wrote:
The genuineness of your compassion shines through, Callalily. Since this is my story, I thank you for posting your compassion.


Some of it is compassion, but it's also admiration. You survived hell and somehow came out of it strong. It's amazing. I hope you give yourself credit for that.
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby Anais » Fri Dec 20, 2013 10:34 pm

Thank you Callalily! from me also
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby futuregohangurl » Mon Feb 24, 2014 5:42 am

i have had the pleasure of having 2 narcassistic moms since i grew up in foster care. the first one was cold and abusive and i was afraid of her. she made me do lots of cleaning and i had lots of punishments and chores and stuff taken away from me if it wasnt in the right spot. the 2nd N mom i had i am still dealing with. she isnt quite as bad but i will tell you a story about her. one time i was with her in a restaunt and she got drun and decided to start complaining about the service. i tried to stop her family stuck up for her and i was the bad one. now another story is, i was out wiht a friend and she phoned my cell and said she would be in bed when i was home. well... guess what. she wasnt in bed so i got mad and said you lied to me which was a very stupid mistake and she says no i didnt say that so i go and message my birthmom on facebook. she comes storming into my room she said what are you doing and then when she saw what i was writing she freaked and got her husband to turn off the power in my room. she denies she did that and my computer was still on since it was a fully charged laptop then she says thats it you are going to the womens shelter me and the rest of my family are having nothing more to do with you. and i told the lady at the womens shelter but of course she got my moms side and believed her. now i am on my own but my n mom is still making me feel like whenever i make a mistake by trusting someone that its my fault and they werent in the wrong with what they said i was when really they were. also my n mom doesnt want me to be happy with a guy. she has wrecked so many of my guy relationships plus she also made me lose a friend i dont know how to stop her. i am not even living with her and she can still influence my friends. she still asks me every time i talk or see her have i talked to mike. and i say no. but in truth she is making sure i dont because she doesnt want me to be happy.. plus she one time made me spend christmas alone because i made the mistake of saying my mom was an alcoholic online which i shouldnt have done but she way overreacted and said i would be lucky i if she and her family ever came back. i am tired of this. all i want is to be able to be friends with my friend mike and maybe even hav ea chance of a relationship with him but i am beginning to feel i may not even be able to b friends with him again till shes out of the picture. also i live in a group home and the one staff is a NPD too and has kinda ruined m y computer screen somehow. i can still use my computer but its very hard. but i am the most hurt from the N that made me go to the womens shelter and made me stop being able to even see or talk to the guy i have loved for 7 years. i am not even sure if he feels the same way back but i am not even allowed to try. i think he does but am not sure. has anyone else had an N mom that wrecked their love life?
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby Fille » Sat Aug 01, 2015 1:26 am

Oh my god.

I'm in tears reading the OP.

I'm not alone!

Thank you for this.
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby Eight » Tue Aug 04, 2015 7:43 am

I haven't read this in a very long time.
Since it was bumped, I read it again just now.
It's still potent to me. Though I feel a long ways away from this experience now, it still has the power of remembrance.
My condolences to anyone who grew up with a parent who required that you be a mirror to them, and not learn to be yourself.
My hope for you that you've found ways to let that go and determine who you are, in yourself, and live that out.
It really is the only way to live.
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby Strong_for_me » Mon Sep 07, 2015 11:17 pm

For as long as i can remeber ive been the gullable one. The one that listened to the whining and complaining and stories about how things "were" for her. I listenend. I believed
I Sympathized. I was a flying monkey. A followered of her demands. My sister stayed distanced. Educated herself. And she to moved away to remain distant. For the past 15 plus years i have seen more things and felt more things. She hated my now husband and did everything she could to keep him away. She even told me that there was help for me at a certain mental hospital. I still have this letter that she wrote it in. This continued for years. My father went along with her. Nobody wanted to cross her path or go agaisnt her when she was raging. I went through years of hell, self conscious, self doubt and hating myself and never thinking i could ever please her. Thats what I was taught to do..to please her. To fight for her and to defend her.
Deep down I knew something was wrong. I began to stand up for myslef. I was punished by her in more ways than you could imagine for going against her control. For thinking differently. Things of the past were held and used against me. Reminders of everything she did for me. A guilt trip. When reality finally took its last hold of my mind i knew i had enough. Enough of her and her siblings behavior. Enough of her flying monkeys. Enough guilt. Guilt that will affect me for the rest of my life. I wanted no contact. My final decision was based on her last attempt at gaining her most valuable flying monkey. My mother inlaw. She called my mother in law. Little did she know i was sitting right there when she called. I heard it all. She succeeded with her sympathies in some ways. She knows my mother in laws view on a mother is a mother no matter what. So she attempted to play on the fact. She tried everything she could to convince my mother in law that i was wrong. I did bad things. I made her life hell. I was the route of all her problems. (But because i have learnt to start speaking my mind. My mother did not like that. She felt that i should be beside her listening to everything that she percieve to be right or correct or even wrong. I may have done things or said things out of frustration and entrapement. Never would i intentionally willfully subject my mother to anything because i wanted "revenge" on her. She would openly tell me she could taste the revenge she eanted to get on her x spouse. )
So After a lengthy conversation with my mother in law, and not getting all the responses and support she was looking for, my mother gave her last stab in the dark at trying to demise me. And her true colors showed through. She told my mother in law this :
"My doctor said that i cannot have anymore stress in my life. If i have stress my cancer will come back. And if my cancer comes back..its all her (meaning me) fault."
That is the last thing you would want to say to my mother in law as she has dealt with cancer in her lifetime. So her response to my mother was "Give your head a shake. That is not her fault"
That was the day i made a decision. As difficult as it was i had to. I was in tears. I felt like a tiny spicule of NOTHING. I was going No Contact with her so that i could gain back control of my life . No contact with her and no contact with her flying monkey siblings. All of them. I was done. Done with getting phonecalls from her monkeys telling me your poor mother. Shes hurting. Shes this. Shes that. What she is ..is her own worst enemy. Nothing will ever bring her happiness. She will never find happiness. EVERYONE has done her wrong in some way shape and form. And for those that she percieves as having done her wrong.... she wants and will get revenge on them. She wants everyone she can convince to side with her. To do her dirty work. Its been over a year of no contact. Now her cancer may be back. Although there are no positive test results confirming. So now is it all my fault? I dont believe that to be true. During her first bout of breast cancer she was leaving her narcissistic spouse (how ironic isnt it?). So i took her in to my home. She stayed for a year. And the whole while she complained to her siblings and other family members how stressful it was living here and how demanding my teenage boys were to her. That she'll have her own place soon. She would wake up daily wanting to give us the silent treatmenr. I had no idea where that was coming from. We almost had enough. I took her to all but one chemo treatment. Stood by her when it came to her x spouse. The one treatment i couldn't go to..i was the worst daughter ever. I abandoned her in her eyes. So she found an apartment. We helped her move in. I bought her stuff for Christmas for he home. Things she needed. Was it good enough no. My sister bought her a wallet. She had an anxiety attack and convinced herself that my sister caused it because all she got her was a dam wallet!! How silly is that of her. I still dont get it.
When she moved out she continued her parade of making mountains out of molehills and finding ways to make me look bad. Once she relaized i wasnt falling for it. She started tonpray on my oldeat teenage son. He was already having teoubles at the time with agression and drugs. And things were rocky for our little family. But she would undermine us with him. She would tell him things that would make him think we were the worst parents. She asked is in front of my son why we hated him so much. Get real mother. Another plot of hers to get what SHE wanted. We asked our son to leave our home after finding alot of illegal something in his room. I wont get into detail but we did it for his own good. No more enabling him for us. He was already on probation and we were reaponsible for his where abouts. We were obligated by law to inform the police that he was no longer living in our home. So the police got invloved, went to my mother apartment, took him to jail for the night and charged him with breaching his probation rules because he was out past 11:00 at night. This shouldnt have happened since we did our part and told them that he was no longer under our care and that he was under her care. But they arrested him anyway. He stayed with her in her one bedroom apartment for sometime until she couldnt handle his atritude and activies anymore. We were confronted with her saying that we are bad parents for outting this on her and she cannot afford to keep him as he had jo job and quit school.
The night we made him leave and the police came and arrested him this is what my mother texted me in the early morning hours:
"You two assholes are the worst parents i ever seen. Neither of you should have ever had kids your too selfish. And im not the only one that thinks so. I tried to side with you but no more. You should be ashamed even the cop said its not a healthy environment for the kids.Hope you sleep good"
After a few months of living with her he decided to move in with a friend. Hes been on his own ever since. His attitude is slowly improving amd we have been working on a relationship one day at a time. He as till remains without a job and finishing school is not an option for him.
My mother continues to support him. Pay for his insurance and cell phone and anything else he needs. As long as he plays by hers rules he'll get what he wants and needs from her. Deep down i thonk he can see the overall picture. I just think he doesnt want to give it up yet because its an easy life. Imy hisband and i just have to move forward and hope that one day reality will hit him and hell find his way on his own.

But throughout all this my mother still needs someone else to blame and to see fault in everything at all times. Never her. So After an entire year of no contact i called her. I made the first move. I called to ask about health. My sister had talked to her and she did what i knew she would do. Make the worst of things. Predict the worst of things. Make my sister feel bad enough that she would call me to tell me that i better call my mom to talk about her health. I knew at that moment the outcome. I knew it. What i knew was that in her mind, the first person to call after no contact is the guilty one. The wrong one. She would perceive my contact as an admission of guilt or wrong doing. Knowing this i called anyway. I heard what i expected to hear from her. The tone of voice of expected to hear. The anger i expected to hear. She was miserable. I was breif with my words. She talked about the doctors and how horrible they were for not listening to her over the past 6 months. That she knew something was wrong and they didnt catch it. She has fluid on her lungs. She insists it is Hantavirus. She was helping a friend clean her hoarding boyfriends home and swept mice crap up from behind the couch. She called my sister whos husband is a physician and told about her symptoms. They were not asymptotic of hantavirus except for the fluid in the lung symptom. My grandmother died from congestive heart failure and underlying breast cancer which was not identified. My mothers bout with cancer was also breast cancer.
So now that i have made the first move with a phone call. I knew that within days or weeks that this would open up new avenues of blame for her. A new reason for her to lay it all out on me once again. I called her back one more after the first calll, at the request of my sister. I had been away and had no cell service. My mother tried calling me but because there was no answer or reply. She assumed i was avoiding her and once again made the worst out of it. She called my sister to complain and my sister told me to text her back or call. I texted her and guess what. She claims she didn't get the text. So therefore i dont care about her. So i called her back. She was nice as pie. She said she had to go for more tests an hour and a half away. Another breast biopsy. I told her i was off work that enitre week and i was available on Friday if she needed me to take her. She was quiet and said nothing. I knew then and there, with the response she gave, what was about to happen. I knew she wouldnt call to ask me to drive her to her test. I KNEW she would end up driving herself. And i KNEW that she would come to me and my sister after the biopsy with a way to give us guilt. This is what she texted me. The second text is what my sister got from her on the same day

"Just want to let you know I drove myself yesterday for my biopsy all went well. As i told Lori Im very disappointed that neither of you ever ask how Im feeling , or if Im ok. Im very very hurt."
"___, I drove myself to have my biopsy done yesterday. All went well. Im disappointed and very very hurt that neither you or your sister call to see if Im ok , how are things going,or if I need anything. I know you are both busy and I try to not say anything but I hurt really bad."

I knew it. I knew she would attempt something like this. My sister lives 6 hours away and i live in the same town as my mother.

Because i have put my foot down with my mothers siblings, they have not tryed to contact me as a flying monkey recruit for the longest time. So now they started playing on my sister.
She received calls from all of them. My uncle texted her this:

H ___ , i I think you know mom is not feeling well She is going for a scan friday. I was just wondering what you have got going on that you can't come stay with her for a while She is real scareded and your sister don't seem concerned Not my buisness but she sure would appreciate it, ____."

HERE WE GO!!! Exactly where i expected my first contact with her would lead. Im getting good at predicticing outcomes at this stage. Shes very transparent. I SEE her. I SEE what she does. My sister can see now. I feel relief that she does. For the first time in my life have i ever been able to convey my thoughts and feeling to my sister and her to me. We didnt fight much growing up but we werent close either. I didnt know why we werent. I thought it was because we were just two different people and that she hated me because i was a bit of a free spirit. And so i would leave her alone to let her live her life. We would contact each other once a year or so. I learnt she was running too. Running away from the crazy making. And like i said at the beginning i was part of my mother recruit and crazy making. I had no idea. I didnt know. It was just the way it was. Stood by her side. Protected her from the way she felt about my father. Stood up for her openly to him while she stood by and watched me battle him while she appeared to remain neutral and said nothing. I have wisened up in the last 15 or so years. I SEE her now. I see the tricks. I see the manipulation. I see the sneakiness. And i will NOT succumb to it anymore no matter what...even in sickness. So yes, I know she will always call me down if i dont give in to her.. I know she will tell all her siblings. I know she will try to contact my friends and inlaws to get their support and sympathy. And what can i do. NOTHING. Nothing at all. Because if i do...she WILL make it worse for me. I have chosen to detach from all of them so that i can love my own family and my inlaws with what i have left inside me. And i know her wrath will continue till the day she leaves this earth.
What i am left with is this. The more I learn about my mother and her siblings behaviors and patterns, the more I see where some of my traits come from. It scares me for both me for the people in my life, mostly my boys who have been subjected to the unhealthy behaviors i have learnt. I am working hard everyday to become more aware. Yet at time i feel relapse. I will not call myself down because i have made the first 3 steps to recovery. Recognition, awareness and a deep desire to change what has been.
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Re: The Narcissistic Mother

Postby InProgress » Tue Sep 15, 2015 7:16 pm

I'm a 23 year old who moved back home after college. It's been 1.5 years and I've reached a breaking point. I can't even begin to list my mothers grievances because I am not in the right state of mind right now.

Right this moment, I am attempting to leave my home. I am extremely lost, and not sure where to go from here. I am not independent enough to completely break free and I live in an area where rent is extremely high. How am I to keep my job if I can't afford the rent and also don't have transportation? Sorry if I sound like I'm rambling; I just feel so lost right now
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