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Adult Children of Narcissists

Narcissistic Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby fergi2017 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 4:50 pm

Is there a polite way to tell my emotionally abusive, narcissistic parents that I don't want to meet up with them? My mom just left a message on my phone claiming that "everyone makes mistakes" without apologizing or acknowledging anything.

Whenever I set boundaries with N parents, that gives them more of a reason to cross the boundaries. Please read my Reddit post below for specific examples. I didn't even mention the fact that my so-called parents kept my college diploma without giving it to me to even open and read! They're now trying to hoover me into a relationship by controlling me financially—-my father even wants me to provide him with my Personal Financial Statement which he mostly filled out himself without asking me. Nor did he tell me what the Financial Statement for: I found out for myself that it's a business mortgage loan for a property that I co-own. He eventually claimed to me that if I don't mail him the form, I'll owe $400k in mortgage. I'm not sure if I can even trust him, though. I could be just a rue for my N parents to invade my privacy to see how rich or poor I am. It'll be a nightmare for me to even suggest to him that I want to get out of the co-ownership. I'm scared to even dare to ask him for the name of the bank rep and branch so that I can hand the form to them instead of mailing it to my dad.

More details about my abuse: https://www.reddit.com/r/NPD/comments/6 ... d_from_my/
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby malfif » Sat Jan 06, 2018 2:29 pm

Sometimes I wonder if my mother ever has moments of clarity, where she regrets pushing me to break off contact with her just so she can continue manipulating people.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby realityhere » Sun Jan 07, 2018 6:19 am

Don't we all wish for clarity after so much push-and-pull from controlling and manipulative relatives? But it can only come from putting down your own boundaries with them. Yah, you put the boundaries up and they continue to cross 'em, just keep putting them boundaries back up-- it's a continual battle of them tearing down your boundaries, and your putting them back up there. It's a battle of who wins. If you're younger than them, odds are ya gonna beat 'em to it.

It's up to you and the amount of persistence you're willing to put in.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby computerology » Sat Feb 10, 2018 4:09 am

Good lord.

Haven't been here in a while.

My NPD adopted mother has really done it this time.

I threatened to expose her for protecting her child molesting brother if she doesn't get him to turn himself in. (Long way ago in the threat I explained how she front runned me and tried to get arrested when I went to the police, he was aquitted).

Now I have received 40 police visits and two summons, for a peace bond.

I did the discovery process and she specifically asked for a peace bond 9 or more times, knowing full well that it would hurt my investment banking career prospects (its not a criminal record but it would show up in a background check as a flag, their backchecks are very deep).

In the discovery process, she threw every peice of spaghetti at the wall she could.

Apparently, I cheat on my taxes (which I dont), may do "evil things", they fear for everyone who works in the same office building as her office, her assistant is afraid to come into the office because she is in "constant fear", they "just want it to stop" and "fear walking alone", fear for the safety of their housesitter (who is actually an aquaintance of mines teenage child), "the phone kills", I "have people", and I am friends with "paramilitary types who do my bidding but they don't know how", yet I have "not much money", she "got an inheritance of $3.4 million" but they conflicted out and discussed the matter with duty counsel for free at the courthouse, conflicting him out of being able to do anything about the case. All this over 4 emails I sent about the above topic given that I haven't even been to the town they live in because I was PO'ed that they sent me a letter with no return address containing several pictures of me as a child before I ever had met them (I was adopted at 13) from the 70's that really creeped me out and I had to figure out who sent them to me.

I had the police visit my house because I have "become unhinged", and "possibly suicidal" of course on my birthday, whom I told none of this was the case and the discovery shows that the police officer was satisfied. I was then served a summons on the day after Christmas (which is a holiday here), and then again on New Years Eve (likely in an effort to catch me while I was drinking, which luckily I wasn't it was a pretty tame NYE, I was asleep) and my neighbors think I'm like some terrorist because they showed up 40 times to my house, one time with six cars and 12 police officers dressed in body armour (obviously because they were concerned that they were going to deal with a bunch of "paramilitary types", blocking all the other tenants of the 4-plex I live in in case I tried to escape.

Making matters worse they live in a small town and she is a Notary, so she has relationships with most of the lawyers in town so most of them are conflicted out, including duty counsel. I had to blow $400 just to fly there and appear so I didn't get a bench warrant for failure to appear, and will have to go there again for another appearance in just under 2 months.

Oh, and the best part. In talking to one lawyer who wasn't conflicted out (he is family law duty counsel and mainly practices family law so he was the only thing I had), he had never heard of me or most of my siblings, on the golden child daughter - none of us exist.

Bloody clinical narcissists. I'm going to nail this broad to the wall in court, even defending myself. A tall order seeing as I'm dealing with a kangaroo small town Crown Counsel who approved the charge without even reading through the rambling 38 pages of crazy accusations mentioned above, and can't negotiate some sort of an alternate solution (like a permanent no-contact order or a diversion) who is obviously way better trained in law than me.

All this over her protection of a pedophile. Fawk.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby realityhere » Wed Feb 14, 2018 9:01 pm

@computerology,

Your adoptive mother tried to get you to sign a peace bond? Do I understand that's a sort of restraining order to keep you from harassing her? Lol, and she's the one harassing you for threatening to expose her for protecting her pedophile brother? I know it's not funny, but the irony...sorry that you're going thru discard hell.

Prob is she doesn't want to be "exposed" for the fraud that she is apparently and that's more important to her than her messed-up brother really. She views you attacking her and you're now enemy #1, and she'll do anything to ruin you first.

All I can say is, you have two options: (1) get a good lawyer who's not afraid to bare his teeth in court in your defense (expensive), or (2) back down and say you're sorry and go complete NO contact with her. She is likely to still go after you in either situation (since she knows where you live and work), after which you have the option of going to court again to get a restraining order against her. 'Nother cat-and-mouse game starts... :|
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby judderbar » Fri Feb 16, 2018 10:18 am

Seems reasonable to me if you know of a crime to do the reporting yourself and if you dont have the desire to do that, then you are able to feel sympathetic for other family members who are not wanting to do that.

So I am seeing a bit of lack of empathy there and a bit of lack of insight. There is also a bit of entitlement in that if we want a better relationship then it is reasonable that we do the work that is needed to build a better relationship where we attempt to be empathic in a difficult situation, rather than just be hostile and imagine we deserve better treatment.

:wink:
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby malfif » Sat Apr 07, 2018 11:41 pm

Really bad night tonight. I spend every day fantasizing about all the fun I want to have. I look at homes in different countries, and imagine how different my life would be if I could live there. Then I come back down to earth and remember than I will be lonely until the day I die. Narc mother always acted like I was embarrassing myself in every situation. MBP father has made me feel like everything I am is a symptom of something that's sick and wrong. None of my siblings want contact with me. I don't have a close relationship with my cousins, we haven't spoken in years. I have no friends, the longest friendship I ever had lasted for a year before my dad forced me out of school due to various factitious ailments. I met several people in the psych ward after my suicide attempt, but haven't been able to keep in touch with a single one. I even managed to date a guy there that I felt I really connected with, and he seemed to feel the same because I was the first girl in a long time that he could talk to without having a panic attack, and he was the one who approached me. But after a few months he just stopped taking my calls, and that was that.

What does it matter if I get my life back on track, if I get an education, a job, a house, a car? I'll still be unwanted.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby malfif » Fri Jun 15, 2018 12:44 pm

Got a letter from my mum today. She hopes I find the courage to get help to understand myself and evolve as a person. :roll:
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby amcleavy » Thu Aug 23, 2018 7:20 am

Hi,
I am new to this forum. I am 46 and have started keeping my distance from my mum mainly because I am tired of feeling down whenever I speak to her or see her. I have been feeling much better for it. I have also felt more confident. Reading about npd it matches exactly what I have been dealing with all my life with my mum. I have bought the book will I ever be good enough and am looking forward to reading it and learning more about my mum and npd.
There are many many instances during my life that i reflect on. The biggest one is after my husband and I went through 6 years of IVF we decided it just was not meant to be and decided to stop yrying for a child and get on with our lives. We were both so elated with our decision and sooo happy. I phoned my mum excited to tell her and she asked for the money back that she had helped us out with. My husband and i were not aware that it was a loan the condition we got pregnant. She was annoyed to say the least. I hung up on her. My dad wrote me a letter on her behalf asking for me to consider her feelings about not providing a grandchild from her only daughter. We did not speak for 6 months. I made the first contact because i thought life was too short to fall out with your mother. I really needed a mum at that time in my life and I didnt have one. This is just one example. I have loads that now I am reflecting on. I am starting to understand why I loath myself so much. Thank you to this forum. It makes me want to cry as I thought there was always something terribly wrong with me.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby TribeOhana » Fri Sep 14, 2018 12:56 pm

My mother would call us (my sister and I) to the living room and then tear us down. It was like her stage and she was free to rage, call us filthy, useless, ungrateful, disrespectful, claim we didn't "give a $#%^" or have any gratitude for what we have been given. We were small children. When we broke down, cried, apologized and seeked her comfort she'd turn away and reject us. We'd follow her through the house crying, trying to get her to comfort us, but she wouldn't. Not until hours later, when my sister and I were exhausted. Then she'd cradle us, whisper sweet things and tell us everything was fine.

She kept going in the same way until I was 18 and finally left home. I was dealing with PTSD, depression, panic attacks and nightmares. I dropped out of school and eventually joined an alternative school for adults with drug abuse problems. My mentor saw that I was struggling, and they gave me a room in their dorm for free and sent me to therapy where they told me my mother was abusing me.

We're adults now, but my sister still has nightmares about our mother. I was the golden child for a few years, but she has turned on me and instead chosen my sister. She's now trying to come between us. My sister is too smart though, she doesn't listen when my mother tries to triangulate between us and we have promised each other to stay strong and united. We are the only family that matters. I think I might hate my mother. I hate her for what she did to us. For trying to keep us apart, for trying to tear us down. We almost died from depression, PTSD, eating disorders and self harm behavior. But we're stronger now and we see her for what she is.

She can't bring herself to even look at the pictures from my graduation, she seems to feel so incredibly jealous. I feel like posting a shit-ton of happy pictures of my sister and I, reaching out to my brother who still lives with our mother, email my father and tell him how I miss him, in part just because I know it will cause her pain. Because we're doing fine without her. Because it would show her that she can't triangulate and keep us apart anymore. I want her to know somehow that I'm awake now and I know that what she did, and what she keeps doing is abuse.

How do you guys deal with these feelings of wanting revenge?
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