by Nonexistent » Tue Oct 29, 2024 3:28 am
Hi. So, as stated in the title. For years I thought myself to be histrionic because of my attention-seeking behavior. But I didn't realize until the last few weeks that I am in fact more likely a covert/vulnerable narcissist. I realize that my motivations and behaviors might be more in line with that. I've been in denial for years about the severity of my behaviors, desires, lies, half-truths, fantasies. But certain things lead me to believe that I'm NPD. For example, two of the three times I was hospitalized for mental health reasons I was panicking and unsure of how to handle certain situations and I think more than anything I was looking for a way out. I've thrown people under the bus in an instant to save my skin or my reputation, including a sibling. I haven't been great to my family. Actually, I've been quite mean. I used to have pets but I feel I did the bare minimum for them. Like yes I fed them and everything and made sure they were alright but I never wanted to play with them giving them that connection they need. I feel I can be a bit neglectful. Like wanting to be left alone and such. I notice more my emptiness and how I'm trying to be real but can't bring myself to be. I'd like to be someone who is capable of having normal relationships. I've lost friends. I've lost a lot actually. I read that this is God's punishment. I thought I had a moment of having a repentant and contrite heart but I'm not sure. Today in private I threw a mini tantrum when something didn't go my way but I caught myself and tried to calm down. I took a nap and felt better after. But I'm not sure if I'm capable of being a legitimately good person and it hurts to feel that. I'll likely never be someone who is healthy and has healthy relationships. I'm questioning how much capacity for empathy I have and if I'll ever be able to be content with life. I got a good job but I'm already screwing it up and becoming lazy. Self-sabotage I've always struggled with. I don't feel content. I don't know if I ever will. I feel I'm always playing or portraying myself as the victim and I know I crave that sympathy that comes with that. I don't know why. I want to be cared for. Rescued. Things like that. I have a lot of rage that was dormant for many years but has been coming out for the last few years. I don't like who I am. I hope God can forgive me as I try to change.