Request for Insight

Hello, I’m a 27 yr old female. I have a roommate who goes through hell every day because of my issues and is now at their wits end. I may possibly also be a psychopath, I’m not sure. I have been so for such a long time that a lot of the behaviors I can identify are so ingrained into my everyday behavior that I do them without entirely thinking about it. I assume things are about me, assume what they think, make excuses instead of owning up to my own actions, have difficulty having genuine regret/remorse for them, and have been using the helpful “tools” that my support circle has given me for disingenuous reasons, lying to myself as well as others, belittling, bullying, antagonizing, taking down to others, delusions and denial, being a “troll”/cruelly cheeky, using my autism as an excuse, among a myriad of other issues. Everytime I think I’ve taken a step forward, I’ve actually taken 5 steps back. I’m worried there’s no fixing or helping me at this point. How am I supposed to go against the grain, the waves, when I’m so used to going with it that I have difficulty noticing until they get upset. How do I notice it better before I cause a problem? How do I force myself to not run away when I hear something or am asked a question I don’t like and don’t want to answer but need/have to?

I have a lot of self-image issues and play pity party and self-degradation instead of doing anything about it as well. Yes, I’m the dreaded complainer who doesn’t put a lot of effort, if any, into trying to change. I get into these grand motivations when confronted but they never last long. And it goes into the same cycle over and over. How do I actually start? How do I change my goal and mindset so I’m not just going through the motions to manipulate people? I want to stop but I feel so stuck. I’m a self-admitted coward as well. I as you to be gentle with advice but I also know I need a good kick in the butt-reality check.

I think psychopaths are very much focused on their goals without too much analysis. Try to be more like a psychopath. (pro-social ones who are not against considering the consequences of their actions, goes without saying)

Yeah i mean that’s a tough one, the good part is you are aware of the issues and that you are the cause of atleast some of them. As far as the desire to actually change well im afraid that is up to you and you alone, Therapy doesn’t help unless you are willing to put in the work and it’s not as simple as deciding to try unfortunately you have to be willing to face very uncomfortable and possibly traumatic issues to understand them and heal. This is a tough process but you have to find it within yourself to go through it