Do I have NPD?

I (34M) was married since 2014. No kids. I fell in love again in February 2022. I told my wife (38F) pretty early about the affair, understandably she was upset and angry. I could not stay in our co-owned flat because of the tension. I impulsively decided to leave our flat and my wife was alone. She moved to a different flat in August and I helped her move.

I asked if I could stay for a few day at my girlfriend's (39F) flat. These days turned to weeks and weeks to months. I am a peaceful guy normally, but there were times when my girlfriend (now ex) had provoked me multiple times accusing me of things that are not true. I had this habit of bursting out and saying hurtful, condescending things to the other person when I feel cornered. I have done this to my brother, parents, to my wife even. My wife has forgiven me multiple times. And she has seen a nice side of me.

Me and my ex-gf had actually a few fights in the span of 7 months. Additionally, there were times where due to my own insecurity I used to write stupid messages to her while at work. She was burdened by this. When she gets pissed at me, she has yelled at me, multiple times in front of her son and people too. So, my coping mechanism was WhatsApp messages and hers was yelling and getting out of her system. She was a difficult person to be with, in the beginning I was patient, but it grew thin pretty fast.

Beginning August we moved into a bigger flat (it was her choice, I had almost no say in this decision), and there were tensions in the next weeks. But there were super nice moments too. She told me she's pregnant in 2nd week of August. Since, I wish the best for my kid, I suggested things like private school etc. I know it's far fetched but I wanted to see if she respects my opinion or not. She disagreed. This was our biggest fight, I exploded said mean things and she was hurt. After a week, we mutually decided to end the relationship. I was a bit upset because the timing was not great since she was pregnant and instead of saving the relationship she chose to move to a smaller apartment with her son. A day later she was infected with Coronavirus. She did not text me anymore. Last week she sent me a mail that she was in the Hospital and that she had a miscarriage and it's over. This was the 2nd miscarriage since we were together. First was in May.

Our relationship was very special. I never experienced things with anybody else the way I did with her. She has also told me that no one else has made her so happy like I did, which was the reason we both wanted kids. I feel she sees only the negative side of the coin and somehow refuses to see the sweet moments we both had. Perhaps, we both needed more patience with one another.

I still have not received closure because it seems like she has made up her mind. I am seeking therapy because my temper and impulsiveness costed me 2 relationships. I cannot sleep, I dream about my ex-gf and wake up at 2, 3 am. I regret my actions deeply, I wish I went to therapy more than a month ago. I still miss her a lot and regret my behavior towards her. I informed her about therapy, but she doesn't acknowledge it. And I feel this burden of guilt for running everything to the ground. Right now I stay in our co-owned flat which has almost nothing. My wife allowed me to stay there, this flat was supposed to be sold by now, according to plan. I feel more terrible because I do not deserve my wife's generosity.

Is there any way in the future to revive this relationship?

We can't know from your story whether you have NPD or not. You seem to exhibit some traits but your therapist is in a better position to judge.

As for your relationship. You say you still haven't received closure but what exactly are you expecting? You both agreed to split up, that's the end. You are obsessing over her because you are thinking if she takes you back then you don't need to feel guilty anymore, and you also want to avoid accepting the finality of the rejection because your ego can't take it.

Spaced wrote:We can't know from your story whether you have NPD or not. You seem to exhibit some traits but your therapist is in a better position to judge.

My therapist also tells me I have traits of NPD. After this event, I started reading a lot about Personality disorders in general. I would say I have traits from BPD. Because of the love hate cycles I experienced while I was with my ex-girlfriend, impulsivity, mood swings. But I never had thoughts of harming myself, neither did I have feelings of emptiness or suicide.
I believe I am a fully functioning adult. Because I have a good job which pays me well and these traits never show up at work.

Spaced wrote:As for your relationship. You say you still haven't received closure but what exactly are you expecting? You both agreed to split up, that's the end. You are obsessing over her because you are thinking if she takes you back then you don't need to feel guilty anymore, and you also want to avoid accepting the finality of the rejection because your ego can't take it.

Yes, you are right. My ego is hurt by the rejection.
A part of me still obsesses about her. But, there's this other part which does not want to go back to her. While I was with her I have had thoughts of leaving, running away. I don't think one would feel this way, if it was actually "True Love". But, I could not. Because I knew I would be alone and I was scared. I was emotionally dependent on her. She knew this well and used it to her advantage. There were times clearly when I told her "I want to leave". She responded with things like "I love you", "I don't want to fight with you anymore". I didn't really man up and set boundaries or leave. I was blinded by love and did not know what I was signing up for.

Hi abtom87,

Reading your first post... here some thoughts:

Some people in this forum use to talk about "narcissism" for something that I would call "destructive narcissism".

I mean : it seems that some people become destructive with people close to them - or depending on them. On the short term, they "win". On the long run, their projects tend to fail. Or cost a lot to people around them.

Besides, narcissism - as love for oneself - seems to me something positive.
For me it's sort of energy that you need to manage. It's something that is often learned with experience and I think can be called "maturity: taking own space, allow space to other, thinking on the long term, not be afraid to "lose"...


From what I read, you seem to have kept a good relation with your wife. That's good for both of you.

The outbursts of rage seem to be a problem for people around you. And for your girlfriend, it seems to be difficult to handle.It seems to me that it's typical impulsive destructive attitude : you feel bad and want the other person to feel bad, hoping you feel better. Some partners can handle it if they are very strong. Of course it's better, if possible, to find quieter ways to express your needs.

What calls my attention is this:

I know it's far fetched but I wanted to see if she respects my opinion or not.

Not sure of the meaning of "far fetched".

Do you mean that you discussed about the future mainly to "win"? Maybe there are other ways to feel respected.

You seem to have strong emotions and you seem a little lost about how to find your space and your wants.

I hope time and therapy make you feel better.


(sorry for the mistakes in english)

By far fetched i meant, i started discussing private school and things like that in the 2nd month of pregnancy.

The thing is, I gave up so much to be with her and I really wanted to see if she would be ready to make compromises for me, for the relationship. I was not seeking to win a silly argument.

She has manipulated me many times, like asked me to expedite the divorce with my wife, in the 3rd week we were together. And i confronted my wife with this, because i was so blinded by love. She convinced me that I'm her knight in her shining armor, how her previous lovers were losers and how she's convinced that she could start a family only with me, etc. And I felt bad, listening to her stories, watching her taking care of the kid alone, i wanted to support her and I have. I believe I was the codependent empath who graduated to narcissist which destroyed the relationship.

Our core principles were different. She is a social worker. She didn't mind sending her son to a school in a not-so-great part of the city.
And I'm more of a capitalist. So I believe if you work hard, you deserve to have good living standard. But I'm sure in the long run I'm going to live a better life than her.

It's hard to know if you're reacting to a difficult situation that you're struggling with or if you have a personality disorder

It's so hard to diagnose anyway

Best of luck