Who am I?

I am a 43 years old male, divorced twice, both of the relations i simply left them, no discussions no arguments no try again.
I have a narcissistic personality, I stopped my relation with all females (sisters and mother) in my family, firstly because they have this habit of sniffing around mine and other people's life and try to manipulate it, which I simply hate.
I have no friends because of my inconsistency in life which made me move around country by country (live in europe), and so I kept losing contact with the friends or is simply hard to keep a relation.
During my living I have destroyed my life completely several times, like quitting on really nice jobs, abandoning fully furnished houses where I used to live, leaving plenty of my stuff behind.

Now I have a life which I am very thankful, I have a nice job, a house, food, great colleagues at work and I try to be as good as I can towards others.

But.. I am aware of my fear of being judged by others, I tend to think that this fear of mine comes from the fact that in my kind i do judge others , I find no way to stop this cycle.

I am aware of my negative traits and would like to find a way to be better and stop hurting myself.

If we never judged others or ourselves, perhaps we'd never improve. Or perhaps life would be better or at least easier, I don't know. Not sure what to say but - hang on despite all of it.

Iznahs wrote:If we never judged others or ourselves, perhaps we'd never improve. Or perhaps life would be better or at least easier, I don't know. Not sure what to say but - hang on despite all of it.

It is a mood thing.
When I am in a good mood I am ashamed at the criticism I direct towards others who derive joy from traditional events, like births, christenings, weddings, piss-ups, sun/beach holidays. My reaction to most is ''i couldnt think of anything worse' and tend to look down on people who get a kick out of such events which I consider boring, tedious, unendurable.
Really, they are lucky and I shouldn't hate them for it.
But God it is so easy to hate ... when we are low in ourselves.