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Dealing with my narcissism... if that's what it is

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Dealing with my narcissism... if that's what it is

Postby BorderlineNarc » Sat Nov 14, 2020 12:50 am

New here. Hi all.
I want to explore this a little.
I am aware that I am either NPD or I sit on the borderline between extremely high narcissism and NPD...
I'm currently in a rather depressed state, so I'm just going to write what I am thinking and feeling and would welcome comments from anyone who wishes to give me their opinion.

I believe that I have NPD although I believe it is quite complex.
As I have been aware of it for many years I've attempted to train myself out of it...
And something occurred to me recently and it is that NPD actually allows the sufferer to survive.
Our brains always grow and evolve the way they do to best protect us from our environment.
So perhaps narcissists trying to 'heal themselves' is not actually a good thing. Perhaps we should embrace our narcissism.
I think that in trying to cure myself of it I've actually broken myself.
There will probably be some who read this and think that I am not actually NPD. And you may be right.
I have never been told I have a diagnosis. I have a BPD diagnosis but the psychiatrist also hinted at an additional diagnosis that would 'not be beneficial for me to know about'...

I am I believe a 'vulnerable' narcissist. Which is the worst type as we spend our lives completely unsuccessful and angry about all that we should have been and had in life. Not getting what we 'deserved'.
I blame others for my life. And I don't think I'm wrong in doing that. It is their fault. The misery I've had and the pain I've experienced, including the irritation and numbness I currently feel, is all their fault. And I have had a great deal of very real trauma and pain.

I am deeply, deeply unsatisfied with my life. And I am angry because I am not who I want to be and have not achieved all I wanted to.

I do fit my BPD diagnosis also. Except the self harm part. I've never been big on self harm. But I've been frequently suicidal throughout my life.

I mean this whole post, I am reading it and it sounds so bleak, so awful. I am ashamed of it.

There is so much more to me than this. As I mentioned, I'm currently incredibly depressed. I'm a void. I feel nothing except irritation and dissatisfaction. I feel as though nothing will ever be enough. I'm incredibly bored and all I want is stimulation. Or to be perfect. I want perfection. I want to be that ideal self I feel I really am. I don't think there is going to ever be any getting away from that.

I suppose that deep down, I feel there is nothing to me. I have no identity. I am a void.
And it's awful.

I created this false ideal self that I had to live up to to be happy because deep down truly, I know that I am nothing. That there is nothing much to me, as a person. Perhaps there could have been, but it didn't happen. I did not develop properly.
And that's the part I can't deal with. The narcissist within doesn't want to reveal this. She wants to believe that I am exceptional and special. And better than 99% of people. To be honest, I do genuinely believe that.
So, perhaps that is what I should embrace.

I should just embrace my narcissism. Accept that I am better than other people, and I am exceptional. And go after becoming my exceptional self.
I honestly can not deal with being ordinary. I want to be extraordinary. I have to be. Else I will never be satisfied.

But then, why am I here? Why are any of us here? If we accept that we have Narcissistic Personality Disorder then are we not accepting that there is in fact nothing special or extraordinary about us? That we are just deluded?
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Re: Dealing with my narcissism... if that's what it is

Postby Akuma » Sun Nov 15, 2020 9:43 am

BorderlineNarc wrote:I believe that I have NPD although I believe it is quite complex.
As I have been aware of it for many years I've attempted to train myself out of it...
And something occurred to me recently and it is that NPD actually allows the sufferer to survive.
Our brains always grow and evolve the way they do to best protect us from our environment.
So perhaps narcissists trying to 'heal themselves' is not actually a good thing. Perhaps we should embrace our narcissism.
I think that in trying to cure myself of it I've actually broken myself.
There will probably be some who read this and think that I am not actually NPD. And you may be right.
I have never been told I have a diagnosis. I have a BPD diagnosis but the psychiatrist also hinted at an additional diagnosis that would 'not be beneficial for me to know about'...


I think all low-level disorders have the potential to become more problematic if one tries to get rid of defensive mechanisms too soon. So while there is of course an array of very problematic defenses, including things like self-harming, drug abuse etc, a lot of this one can only outgrow over time, if one grows and matures in other parts of ones self; parts that later play there role in stabilizing a personality that originally turned to those destructive things for stabilization.
Narcissism itself though is not a bad thing anyways, it just means you like yourself. How you do that and how much it might interfere with your objectivity, interactions with others etc, is much more important imo than classifying some label as implying something pathological.

I am I believe a 'vulnerable' narcissist. Which is the worst type as we spend our lives completely unsuccessful and angry about all that we should have been and had in life. Not getting what we 'deserved'.
I blame others for my life. And I don't think I'm wrong in doing that. It is their fault. The misery I've had and the pain I've experienced, including the irritation and numbness I currently feel, is all their fault. And I have had a great deal of very real trauma and pain.


Well projection has two sides. One side is that you can empty youself of negative states and really feel that those states are now outside of you or part of somebody else. The bad side of it is, that now it is not you anymore that is responsible for your situation, but somebody else. So with projecting out things that you dont want to look at as parts of yourself, you also let go of your agency, of your power to change yourself and your situation. In the worst case, like in people with paranoid disorders, this can turn into feeling controlled or persecuted by others.[/quote]

I should just embrace my narcissism. Accept that I am better than other people, and I am exceptional. And go after becoming my exceptional self.
I honestly can not deal with being ordinary. I want to be extraordinary. I have to be. Else I will never be satisfied.


Well the question is, can you embrace it really? When I read the text you wrote it seems like a lot of oscillation between void / fullness, worthlessnes / perfection, devalued bpd / idealized narcissism. I would argue that to fully embrace something you need the capacity to fully see it, so including the good, bad, and in-between aspects. And in my experience that requires a longer development, possibly needing aid from a professional or somebody that is more "developed" than you, so your brain can actually build the complexity necessary to deal with this stuff on a more detailed level; in other words not to oscillate between absolute good and bad stuff, but to becoem more relaxed, accepting and perceiving that there is a spectrum with a wide array of things that can co-exist, while they were originally seen as dichotomous and necessitating dissociation.
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Re: Dealing with my narcissism... if that's what it is

Postby Spaced » Sun Nov 22, 2020 12:19 am

I identify with almost all of what you wrote. I too am a vulnerable/compensatory/covert narcissist (idk what the official term is) and share your feelings.

I don't believe it's possible to embrace your narcissism. As you suggest, it's mutually exclusive: you can't embrace the delusion when you know it's a delusion.

From here it's a process of learning to manage your narcissistic instincts, manage your expectations and set pragmatic, realistic goals. Accept that failure is an important part of growth. Accept that it's ok to not be as special as you thought you were. Learn to make decisions without second-guessing yourself. Try to abandon the idea of having 'an identity', and instead try to take the zen approach of simply doing what must be done in the moment without spending time worrying about 'who you are'.

Above all, be kind to yourself.
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Re: Dealing with my narcissism... if that's what it is

Postby Gretabag » Tue Nov 02, 2021 2:49 pm

BorderlineNarc wrote:New here. Hi all.
I want to explore this a little.
I am aware that I am either NPD or I sit on the borderline between extremely high narcissism and NPD...


I'd say you nearly 100% certainly do not have NPD.

If you did, you'd be either an aware (greater) or unaware (midrange or lesser). Because of your situation it seems highly unlikely you are a greater, and therefore you'd have to be unaware.

As such it would be practically impossible for you to hold the notion in your mind that you have done something wrong to other people. You would be convinced that you are a great person, even with evidence to the contrary. You are fitting your symptoms to something you have read about. A narc in your position would come off as arrogant, would present a facade, even while admitting that things in his life were working out wrong. Whatever you have is not NPD, but you might still have high narcissistic traits.
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Re: Dealing with my narcissism... if that's what it is

Postby Bordopath » Thu Nov 25, 2021 9:05 am

First of all, I don't suffer from NPD, but I've dated a person with npd and grew up with a highly narcissistic grandad (he was the overt grandiose type though, he was actually extremely proud of his narcissism, he was NEVER at fault).

Personally, I can understand that you want to make sense of your own psyche, learn to understand yourself and rectify or even learn completely new behaviours that are less toxic.

My layman advice is as follows: Don't focus too much on a diagnosis, don't get rid of your narcissism altogether, there are healthy narcissistic patterns as well that are potentially life-saving.

Ask yourself in all honesty which behaviours you find rather toxic, you may also ask close ones who "know" you relatively well what they think your flaws are (under the premise you can handle this, this is a hard pill to swallow for non-narcs as well, so beware).

Try to modify toxic behaviour and turn it into something less toxic, for instance, take responsibility for your actions, know it always takes "two to tango", accept your flaws, learn to truly love and cherish yourself. I like to think the opposite of toxic narcissism is true self-love because actual narcs don't "love" themselves, they are the personification of unaware self-loathing in my honest opinion, they overcompensate A LOT and usually come from a non-loving home, they were never loved for "just being".
Also, consider therapy, admitting your flaws and working on them is the first step to healing and self-improvement.
I must admit I admire some of the traits narcs possess, they can be extremely charming and engaging, they are great at dreaming and it can be quite exhilarating to indulge in their fantasies.
The problem is the toxic ones want it all without putting hard work and effort into something, they simply expect too much from the world.
Healthy narcissism would be for instance that you want to stand out and be admired, however you put in a lot of hard work and effort and are naturally prosocial, there is nothing toxic in aspiring to achieve this. It only becomes toxic when you exploit others to achieve this goal, get irate if it doesn't work out or worse take said anger out on others for having wronged you, making them responsible for your own failure (classic projection...)
As you can imagine, it can get quite blurry at times, there is a fine line between healthy self-esteem and narcissism all the way up to NPD and even NPD is a spectrum and every individual is different (obviously).
It's good that you are aware of your narcissistic tendencies, as I've stated previously try to discern which behaviours are toxic and which ones are more on the healthy side.
Moreover take it slowly, one step at a time, if you do a "personality striptease" too quickly it may get quite dangerous and turn into something really unhealthy the opposite of what you desired to achieve.

Take care!
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