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Long-term employment

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Long-term employment

Postby SelfSerf » Tue Jul 28, 2020 4:27 pm

So where do you stand on this? Are you able to keep up appearances well enough so as to go for a 9-5?

Basically I’m finding out the hard way that I couldn’t handle a l”normal” 5-day workweek at this factory any longer. I’m simply too bad of a mixture of schizoid/antisocial/paranoid combined with BPD/derealization to handle what I deem simple
tasks on some days.

Like I might get super anxious and my panties in a twist so some mechanical stuff might suffer due to forgetfulness or being hazy, not to mention my incapability to have proper relationships.
I got a job through one of my longest frienda/acquaintances (there’s been alienation) at his co-founded company that is a very progressive tech-minded reputable one that really has all the potential to be the next big thing and grabbing a considerable market share worldwide. So after a year or two of struggling and being in a very dark place. This really felt like the only real thing to give my life any real purpose because it actually felt like I was doing important work (Im covert so it’s always been am-special-through-association but after 6months am pretty much exhausted and so it seems that Ive worn out my welcome). Otherwise the vision of the company is something I can get behind and there are a lot of perks to staying there, but my mental issues have got in the way enough as to render attempts at staying futile. But overall my life is a sham and in such a deteriorated/decrepit state that am considering offing myself daily anyhow. If I lose this job it seems like a done deal.

Basically prior to this been going off for around two years on what one would call secondary supply, trying to charm, entertain people to make my company worthwhile and all-encompassing self-loathing but I finally feel like am done. Am not a team-player and that company is really into tying together the whole workplace in a team-based way so I’ve been an immediate outlier. Tried my best to fake going along with it but it doesn’t come naturally at all and I keep defaulting (no real interest in others, do-my-work,go-home, repeat). Not capable of proper relations.
I’ve also had quite a few ###$ (mostly Ive been more harsh as it pertains to these than my actual supervisors) and have reacted either too hot or with other issues too nonchalantly. The thing is I simply dont truly care enough and if am not doing anything challenging (it’s routineous work, although not arduous) I get bored very easily and the work suffers.

Basically as much as I need to be surrounded by people for keeping sane, I’m finding it impossible. Am too delusional. People have surelt taken note of my mental health or lack lf
thereof. Some trying to accomodate, some simply evade now. I have already had a few talks on my behaviour throughout the time Ive spent there and got final notice to pick up my act (being on time, not late every day) until their final verdict and if so might be able to stay but today I overheard a conversation not meant for my ears about basically not keeping “just any sort of people” there so I guess am done.

How do you find this type of work that requires standing still at a desk, doing repetitive motions and such?
“Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”
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Re: Long-term employment

Postby Akuma » Wed Jul 29, 2020 4:46 am

Ive never had the will to have a normal job. When I was still high all day I was only selling some drugs to be abel to buy my own but thats mostly it. Money also was never an issue as I dont really buy stuff and when I still had contact with my family there was always a small plus there. Now thet Ive aborted contact with them though the money is really low, Ive lost quite some weight due to not eating right and possibly I'm getting annoyed overall with living this sort of depressive life now as a byproduct of therapy. So I've started putting stuff into motion to get more money and do some work in the near future. Im not sure yet though what works best for me, I assume beign self-emplyed is better and I'm aiming at that direction, too. I think doing several things would be the most useful to me, as I would probably consider a desk job or something to be like a prison.
As with apperances I think youre overthinking stuff as usual :p. Even schizophrenics get recruited, they can happily hallucinate away while working - as long as they get their work done, nobody cares.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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