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Is he narcissist?

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Is he narcissist?

Postby curious4you » Sat Jan 11, 2020 4:15 am

I post this https://www.psychforums.com/relationship/topic215521.html about my ex bf some days ago but decided to move on from the matter. Today I met a woman at happy hour, it turned out we dated the same guy!!! What a small world! I thought my ex only messes with women from different neigbourhoods, you know, far less likely get caught or involve in same social circle. I never run into him ever since we broke up.

The conversation with this woman piqued my interest in womanizer or player's mindset( someone reponsed to my post said he is, I'm not sure what exactly is womanizer in this age, I have polyamorous friends, but they are very open and honest to all parties and people around them, it's different from this situation). She has totally different impression of him from me, he sounds like a narcissist in her description (I said it more like name calling, not in PD sense, I know nothing about PD, that's why I come here to learn), but I saw him as a clueless and insecure kid screaming for attention. In retrospect, I think I might let our relationship last longer than it should be because I was curious if he has any real personality, he always seems like an empty shell to me. I know, stupid me. But thanks to this conversation, I don't feel angry towards him anymore because it's pointless. we were dating at different universe, he played and married women speaking his love languages, and he mistook me as one of them, while I was trying to show him how to love from a different world that is completely foreign and scary to him.

If you have the patience to read the gist of my side of the story with him from the other post. I see him as insecure, secretive, and socially clueless and annoying, though he was very gentle, quiet and sweet when only the two of us toegher. I did love cuddling with him and reading a book together or just playing guitar. He said he can be himself with me. We never fought, never raised voice to each other, he did walk out on me once when I confronted him, but it's not like a fight, I stated my stance very gently. He is very non-confrontal, says sorry a lot (while I'm very firm with my position and boundaries, I don't do it in a pushy way). So it doesn't sound he is a narcissist, right?

The woman told me, he acted like he was king of our city, a Casnova. He chased her down the street (I first asked her if he met her this way, she gasped, yes! lol). He mostly texted her and went to her neigbourhood, she never went to his, and never met his friends (I was silently shocked she didn't mind this in dating, but as we compared notes, she got a bit upset said he seemed really like you, so I stopped asking too much of their dating details). They dated a bit then she got annoyed he would flirt with other women, she started to have no string attached sex with him (why women still settle for less when they want more, and they can actually find it elsewhere easily?). He was very flamboyant, fun, and sweet, and got upset when he doesn't get what he wants. So all in all, she said he is a narcissit and hardcore player.

I'm a bit puzzled by the different perceptions and different behaviors towards us. Yes, the flirting and chasing women on the street pattern is always there. But when we were dating, he always called, we probably had no more than 10 texts over 4 months. I asked him if he likes texting (before revealing I hated texting), he said he doesn't text. He never acted arrogantly to me, maybe because I always took the wind out his sails whenever he did something superfical, though I did see he appeared like that in front of some people, when he talked to them, it sounds like interrogating.

Later when she asked him for hookups, he said he was with someone ( probably me, or with his now wife, the timeline was a bit confusing, that woman dug out the wife's instagram, we found something connecting the dot.) So she stopped contacting him. He contacted her again in August and September! That's when we broke up and just one month before he got married! I kinda feel bad telling her he got married, I hope she don't get bad hangover tomorrow. This woman certainly did a thorough dig of his romance history. She didn't know he got married though because the wife's instagram has no picture of him nor them together. She found out the wife's instagram sometimes ago where there was a picture of them together but somehow she deleted that pic around September, weird. When she showed me all the instagrams of the wife (I wish I had an account to catch this early, but then cheaters are going to be cheaters, what's the point?), I realized the wife was never just a friend all along, she must have been one of the FWB. For him, it's not lying when he said he wasn't seeing anyone, FWB is not gf; It's not lying if he omits some facts, he didn't tell me it was her he went out town in June, it was her he went to the out of town wedding with in July. Clearly the wife had been infatuated with him for a long time, there were so many posts hinted her longing even though there were no pic of him. She follwed every friends (not many) of him, none of them followed her, she followed an account with his name(he doesn't use social network, probably she thought it was him initially). Several posts on the same dates about her inner struggles and love when he and I were out on a date since her moving in, like "when there is love at least a drop, there is a patient ocean". On one post she dedicate to her brother, giving him advice on how to love a girl, she wrote: give her all of you, in bits and pieces, despite the thousands of girls you may have entertained before... I'm deeply touched by their true love! Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding is nobody compared to her.

I don't feel angry anymore, I have my closure. They deserve each other. I wish they stay married so he can be kept in cage.

I'd like to hear real and fake narcissits opinions if he is narcissist - or if you are just a "womanizer" or player without PD - and what's in your mind and why do you do it instead of forming genuine loving relationship, long or short, like polyamorous or open relationship? I don't get why people have to sneak around or fake interest for sex or love, in this time and age, people are more tolerant and non-judgmental, you can always find what suits you without lying, cheating and breaking-hearts.
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