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Struggling

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Re: Struggling

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Wed Jan 29, 2020 6:28 am

I'm almost never motivated by external things; accomplishments rarely create payoff feelings (at least for long) and people's demands can often feel more like imprisonment rather than anything enjoyable.

Intrinsically, I'm motivated for "making the best of things" by seeking comfort and pleasure (or if I hit low spots, then making existence tolerable) as often or as consistently as possible - kinda like a methadone program style of living, I think. Taking the edge off. No major highs but avoiding withdrawals and discomfort instead.

I've simplified where I get my sources of comfort and pleasure from, so they're easily accessible.
Avenues like finding ways to entertain myself through creative expression, joking around, humor, curiosity, learning, sharing information, spirituality, and certain types of helping others will give me comfort and pleasure (or a tolerable existence).

In regards to my schooling, I complained to someone about how pointless it is for me to put effort into my classes and that there's no reward or appreciation for the work I put in and I should have just put in $#%^ effort at the beginning, so that the instructors will be over the moon about anything I produce that is even half decent after that.

The person I complained to, said I'd never do that because it's not about the grades or instructor's opinions for me, it's about my desire for knowledge and putting the information together in a way that is pleasing to me. They're right.
^ might partially be the obsessive compulsive and perfectionist traits too though.

To add, it also means I go off on side roads in school assignments because I will find a way to tie it into something that is interesting or useful for me to learn. Sometimes they don't like that or that I'm opinionated.
If forced into a stupid topic and I can't find an interesting avenue to me, I won't do well = not motivated for grades or instructor approval

Especially since I can be quite dualistic in nature, I found my own question unpleasantly vague/hard to answer. I can see how not everyone enjoys all the questions I ask and how people can feel put on the spot.
They collect information to stock pile in their souls, saying, "I will tuck this into my subconscious for later use." ~ unknown
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Re: Struggling

Postby easiersaidthandone » Wed Jan 29, 2020 8:50 am

solemnlysworn wrote:If I were to want to, for instance, study at university (which I do and have wanted to do for a long time) then I need to be able to get through 3-4 years of commitment to it. I fizzle and burn out too quickly when curiosity wanes and it's time to do hard work so to delve into something deeply and have a more meaningful interaction with it. This also holds true for personal relationships where I'm probably not quite willing to put in the word required for long term relationships and the positives that'd come of long term intimacy.


Whenever something new interests me I always keep this in mind and make sure I don't tie myself to anything long term. I know that in a few days or weeks that activity will be mundane. Over are the days of impulsively signing up for $#%^. Now, I already know off the bat it won't last, and proceed with that in mind.

I've found it better to work with this aspect of myself rather than against it. Go with the flow but with a little guidance.

I told a psych I was apprehensive to start school because I know it would become unbearable and I'd stop showing up and she recommended I take stimulants to help me focus.

For me the best things in life are new. I need that thrust that reminds me I'm alive/I can care for things. I have the worst attention span of anyone I know. Especially in relationships. People get confused and think I'm playing games
I don't fake it. I just make it.
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Re: Struggling

Postby Esmoke » Wed Jan 29, 2020 5:02 pm

There is it’s own reward to press through times of boredom and difficulty, it will build mental toughness, focus, and true inner self confidence not the type you get from a new car but real true inner validation that can’t be taken away by anyone because you know how much you worked for it. I don’t think it’s healthy to obsess over everything you do or attach your entire self worth to it but I do think it’s important to learn how to grind in life, to have to face your true character at its most stressed.

The tough part for a lot with personality disorders is just accepting that they are going to fall down, someone is going to be better than them and that’s just life, the harder something is the more rewarding it will be to do.

Change... I think that it happens internally, out of necessity. You find out who you really are when you are pushed beyond your comfort zone, this is your true character. It’s easy to break down and blame everyone else for your problems or you can accept personal responsibility and adapt. I think struggling is the way to grow. With no inner conflict you will never change or improve much for that matter.
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