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Dealing with injuries, and emptiness

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Dealing with injuries, and emptiness

Postby Ubinix800 » Thu Dec 12, 2019 1:22 pm

I spent a lot of time alone and I forget just how much it hurts/humiliates me after experiencing something that can be perceived as an emotional attack to myself.

"Psychoanalytical theories coincide in understanding depersonalization (DP) as a disorder of narcissistic self-regulation. DP is described as an ego defense against overwhelming shame resulting in a splitting of an observing ego detached from the experiencing self."

And:
"(S) Insouciant Mood (e.g., manifests a general air of nonchalance, imperturbability, and feigned tranquility; appears coolly unimpressionable or buoyantly optimistic, except when narcissistic confidence is shaken, at which time either rage, shame, or emptiness is briefly displayed)."

Also, I think Akuma mentioned on this forum about having a dissocative disorder and I can't help but think this may be one of the reasons why, which I relate to aswell. Just wondering how folks here deal with this? Other than just forgetting about it and not dwelling on it, and then wake up the next day and all is fine and forgiven, you know the drill.

I've noticed my vision changes after having experienced an injury, it either goes red/orange (anger and shame) or I space out severely (emptiness), just wondering if anyone here relates.

The advice from one of my closest friends is: "Well, grow some thicker skin, would you really care though? Is it really worth putting your emotional energy into something like that". I guess he has a point, it's possible to not care but then again I'm sure many people here know the feeling of what it's like to have someone say something about you.
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Re: Dealing with injuries, and emptiness

Postby EllaBlack » Fri Dec 13, 2019 1:52 am

after reading all of this, i believe i'm a narcissist
you two are on my foe list
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Re: Dealing with injuries, and emptiness

Postby Manners73 » Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:33 pm

Ubinix800 wrote:I spent a lot of time alone and I forget just how much it hurts/humiliates me after experiencing something that can be perceived as an emotional attack to myself.

"Psychoanalytical theories coincide in understanding depersonalization (DP) as a disorder of narcissistic self-regulation. DP is described as an ego defense against overwhelming shame resulting in a splitting of an observing ego detached from the experiencing self."

And:
"(S) Insouciant Mood (e.g., manifests a general air of nonchalance, imperturbability, and feigned tranquility; appears coolly unimpressionable or buoyantly optimistic, except when narcissistic confidence is shaken, at which time either rage, shame, or emptiness is briefly displayed)."

Also, I think Akuma mentioned on this forum about having a dissocative disorder and I can't help but think this may be one of the reasons why, which I relate to aswell. Just wondering how folks here deal with this? Other than just forgetting about it and not dwelling on it, and then wake up the next day and all is fine and forgiven, you know the drill.

I've noticed my vision changes after having experienced an injury, it either goes red/orange (anger and shame) or I space out severely (emptiness), just wondering if anyone here relates.

The advice from one of my closest friends is: "Well, grow some thicker skin, would you really care though? Is it really worth putting your emotional energy into something like that". I guess he has a point, it's possible to not care but then again I'm sure many people here know the feeling of what it's like to have someone say something about you.


Please excuse me but I'm having trouble with certain terminology on NPD.

I'm assuming by injury you mean after a fight or emotional struggle where you feel you've came off worse. I'm quite an optimist so coming off worse for me is short term as I fight to the death. However there are times when I lose a round and for a day I do feel kind of spaced out and detached. I kind of like it though. It feels like I'm floating through the day.

The day after that I'm OK and ready to start again.
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Re: Dealing with injuries, and emptiness

Postby covertunsure » Sat Dec 14, 2019 8:57 pm

I feel empty a lot of the time. It's particularly exacerbated by being out in the world and not being noticed, not having the glass of admiration filled up. If I'm not being admired or noticed, I often feel worthless and nonexistent.

I then do space/numb out, which makes it even worse, and I panic and scramble for anyone to notice me and pay attention to me. I then feel/become even more ignored and get very angry, so then I lash out as a desperate last-ditch attempt to get attention. Rinse and repeat. People really do ignore me when I'm in these states, so it's self-defeating, but maybe it's my mind's attempt to teach myself that I don't really need their attention. I'm still alive and relatively healthy without it.

I know pwBPD numb out or disconnect a lot of the time. Maybe it's what's happening to me, or maybe it's a form of narcissistic deflation/depression when the False Self isn't reassured. It's worthlessness, a feeling of not existing and not being important to the world.

But unlike pwBPD, I guess the emptiness isn't overwhelming enough to self-harm. I've never in my life cut or did any other explicit physical self-harm. I'm too scared. I've taken a knife to my skin or stomach when I've been upset, but could never force myself to make a deep cut, out of fear of seriously injuring myself or dying, combined with a narcissistic aversion to hurting myself or creating aesthetically unpleasing scars.
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Re: Dealing with injuries, and emptiness

Postby thelivinghell92 » Sat Dec 14, 2019 9:07 pm

Do you think you might be experiencing depersonalization/derealization (DP/DR)?

This is what I have been suffering with for the past 12 years, relating to my OCD.

Definition of DP/DR:

Depersonalization-derealization disorder occurs when you persistently or repeatedly have the feeling that you're observing yourself from outside your body or you have a sense that things around you aren't real, or both. Feelings of depersonalization and derealization can be very disturbing and may feel like you're living in a dream.

Symptoms of depersonalization include:

Feelings that you're an outside observer of your thoughts, feelings, your body or parts of your body — for example, as if you were floating in air above yourself
Feeling like a robot or that you're not in control of your speech or movements
The sense that your body, legs or arms appear distorted, enlarged or shrunken, or that your head is wrapped in cotton
Emotional or physical numbness of your senses or responses to the world around you
A sense that your memories lack emotion, and that they may or may not be your own memories

Symptoms of derealization include:

Feelings of being alienated from or unfamiliar with your surroundings — for example, like you're living in a movie or a dream
Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about, as if you were separated by a glass wall
Surroundings that appear distorted, blurry, colorless, two-dimensional or artificial, or a heightened awareness and clarity of your surroundings
Distortions in perception of time, such as recent events feeling like distant past
Distortions of distance and the size and shape of objects

Episodes of depersonalization-derealization disorder may last hours, days, weeks or even months at a time. In some people, these episodes turn into ongoing feelings of depersonalization or derealization that may periodically get better or worse.
I have - High functioning autism, OCD (episodic), social anxiety and depersonalization/derealization disorder

Expect I may have - Avoidant/schizoid personality disorder or traits
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Re: Dealing with injuries, and emptiness

Postby Ubinix800 » Sun Dec 15, 2019 5:07 am

Both dude, both VN and dp/dr, but mainly dr.
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Re: Dealing with injuries, and emptiness

Postby Akuma » Sun Dec 15, 2019 5:53 am

Out of curiosity if you have derealisation do you also have memory impairment problems? Like you are looking into your fridge but can't remember how stuff got in there or you can#t say which month or season it is? In comparison to depersonalisation I find those attack to be rather disturbing and annoying but I am not sure if its a sort of atypical migraine [aura].
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: Dealing with injuries, and emptiness

Postby Ubinix800 » Sun Dec 15, 2019 1:53 pm

Akuma wrote:Out of curiosity if you have derealisation do you also have memory impairment problems?


Sadly yeah.
"The degree of familiarity one has with their surroundings is among one's sensory and psychological identity, memory foundation and history when experiencing a place. When persons are in a state of derealization, they block this identifying foundation from recall. This "blocking effect" creates a discrepancy of correlation between one's perception of one's surroundings during a derealization episode, and what that same individual would perceive in the absence of a derealization episode."

It's like I got too high and I cannot come down or something. No real perception of time and place, I mean I know where I am and close enough to what time it is, but "the day" has no meaning as I told my past therapist and I'm usually not even aware of what is going on outside my window, like the trees swaying, that lovely feeling you get during spring, the birds tweeting etc. and time goes by quicker. I feel cold and clinical most of the time. Gotta admit to myself though, some of this is probably because I'm just really insular and self-absorbed so I'm very concerned with my own stratosphere and not so much my enviroment.
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Re: Dealing with injuries, and emptiness

Postby covertunsure » Sun Dec 15, 2019 10:58 pm

Ubinix800 wrote:
Akuma wrote:Out of curiosity if you have derealisation do you also have memory impairment problems?


Sadly yeah.
"The degree of familiarity one has with their surroundings is among one's sensory and psychological identity, memory foundation and history when experiencing a place. When persons are in a state of derealization, they block this identifying foundation from recall. This "blocking effect" creates a discrepancy of correlation between one's perception of one's surroundings during a derealization episode, and what that same individual would perceive in the absence of a derealization episode."

It's like I got too high and I cannot come down or something. No real perception of time and place, I mean I know where I am and close enough to what time it is, but "the day" has no meaning as I told my past therapist and I'm usually not even aware of what is going on outside my window, like the trees swaying, that lovely feeling you get during spring, the birds tweeting etc. and time goes by quicker. I feel cold and clinical most of the time. Gotta admit to myself though, some of this is probably because I'm just really insular and self-absorbed so I'm very concerned with my own stratosphere and not so much my enviroment.


The narcissist's relationship with time is apparently impaired much of the time. This article is interesting, although I haven't gotten through all of it, as Sam Vaknin is typically verbose. https://www.healthyplace.com/personalit ... sists-time

I definitely have this. I can sit around for days hermetically isolated in my apartment, in my boxers, barely working, time just passing, not even caring that much. I objectify myself, I don't matter and so neither does the passing of time. Or maybe it's also a form of grandiosity: "even if I don't do anything now, everything will work out in the end and I'll be great."
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Re: Dealing with injuries, and emptiness

Postby Akuma » Mon Dec 16, 2019 5:42 am

Mkay. I'm not sure what you are describing is the same thing. I have actual memory holes, so I really cant figure out where a milk bottle on the table comes from, or I will walk to the cupboard, take out a scarf, being convinced it is winter, and then realizing its summer and 24°C outside.
Also in these attacks I feel certain emotions that are absolutely without any connection to anything, they seem to be complex situational emotions but I never have a clue what they mean. In addition my midn seems to be half asleep or something, I have memory fragments of stuff and I dont know if its from the dreamworld or from reality. Its not provoking huge amounts of anxiety, but its certainly a rather scary thing that has luckily always gone away by itself after a few hours.
Sorry for hijacking, I wanted to clarify this.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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