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Compensatory narcissistic relationship questions

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Compensatory narcissistic relationship questions

Postby Ubinix800 » Tue Dec 10, 2019 1:54 pm

Hi all, wondering if anyone else here with this type of narcissism has succeeded in getting and sustaining a decent relationship with another person. If you avoid others because of your avoidant features, and are self-absorbed/uneasy around people who are even close friends, how is this whole shazzam supposed to work out?

And what of the splitting? At least I don't think I devalue others (and this is me thinking about my whole life so far and friendships) unless someone "hurt my feelings" which leads to the "in-love" feelings going away, not so much that they didn't live up to an expectation I had of them.

It's more of a case of limerence for a short while followed by casually falling out of love with them/fearing them out of my own insecurities, then I start thinking about them again and going back into love, and so on and so forth. So really I guess people with this type of narcissism going on doesn't really have all that much to do with a full-blown pathological narcissist. I thought and still think I'm more avoidant to be honest, given that I avoid close relationships due to being abandoned, slighted, or rejected, not so much due to them not living up to something.

So does anyone here relate? And what can be done about this?

"Has a history of searching for an idealized partner and has an intense need for affirmation and confirmation in relationships (Forman)"
BDD and vulnerable narcissism/avpd traits.
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Re: Compensatory narcissistic relationship questions

Postby covertunsure » Tue Dec 10, 2019 3:27 pm

Ubinix800 wrote:Hi all, wondering if anyone else here with this type of narcissism has succeeded in getting and sustaining a decent relationship with another person. If you avoid others because of your avoidant features, and are self-absorbed/uneasy around people who are even close friends, how is this whole shazzam supposed to work out?

And what of the splitting? At least I don't think I devalue others (and this is me thinking about my whole life so far and friendships) unless someone "hurt my feelings" which leads to the "in-love" feelings going away, not so much that they didn't live up to an expectation I had of them.

It's more of a case of limerence for a short while followed by casually falling out of love with them/fearing them out of my own insecurities, then I start thinking about them again and going back into love, and so on and so forth. So really I guess people with this type of narcissism going on doesn't really have all that much to do with a full-blown pathological narcissist. I thought and still think I'm more avoidant to be honest, given that I avoid close relationships due to being abandoned, slighted, or rejected, not so much due to them not living up to something.

So does anyone here relate? And what can be done about this?

"Has a history of searching for an idealized partner and has an intense need for affirmation and confirmation in relationships (Forman)"


I have only had one relationship in my life and I'm about 30. Mostly, I avoid people because I'm scared of rejection and of not being good enough. But I can say that I didn't think I used to split, or at least wasn't aware of the mechanisms or what it looked like from the outside, until I started seeing my current shrink, who told me I split him. And it's true. One session, or even moment, I'll see him as a savior and miracle worker, and the next I'll be almost talking down to him (he calls it "psychoeducating" him cuz I start using psych jargon like we use on this forum) and devaluing him. It's very bizarre. I honestly thought that's how everyone thinks, but he said it's not.

So I guess what I'm saying is splitting can be hard to pick apart if you're the one doing it, and it helps to have someone more removed (and preferably an expert) tell you if you're engaging in it. Limerence is definitely something I relate to. I've gotten obsessed with people before. But if they reciprocate, I often lose interest almost immediately and like you say, probably a defense mechanism, pushing them away as a result of my own insecurities.

I also feel like, "how could he possibly be into me? Something must be wrong with him, I'm a defective POS."

Think there are only two options: a) therapy, or b) push through it and engage anyway, little by little. Ideally both... but therapy can possibly give you the boost you need, especially if as you say, you aren't a full-blown narcissist.
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Re: Compensatory narcissistic relationship questions

Postby EllaBlack » Tue Dec 10, 2019 7:00 pm

Back when I still had hope I would run back to people to reestablish a friendship, but that was then and this is now.. I'm breaking the cycle.
you two are on my foe list
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