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On edge

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On edge

Postby EllaBlack » Fri Dec 06, 2019 9:38 pm

I'm in the library.. I'm around people and that makes me uncomfortable, because people often do things that make me uncomfortable.. There's a guy who's been looking at me a lot and it's irritating me and making me feel self-conscious.. I want to be completely alone right now.. The noise people and things are making is irritating me too.. I'm not sure about my reality.. I'm almost constantly feeling hypervigilant about a potential conspiracy against me.. It seems like there is one, even though I try to ignore that thought and convince myself that it's all in my head..

My thoughts are disorganised.. My memory and focus are terrible.. I'm feeling a lot of aggression, a readiness to fight and violent thoughts.. I've been wanting to hurt and kill people.. Everything is either dull and grey or ominous.. I feel like I'm in competition with everyone and the need to be dominant is overwhelming, as is the need to redeem myself and seek revenge.. I hate putting on a fake face for people that I need to impress because I often feel exhausted and would rather be stoic..

I'm lonely and miserable without the attention and admiration of others, but I'm anxious and uncomfortable once I get those things because I don't feel like I'm worthy of them or I feel like the person has/might have bad intent.. I want to feel special or impressive, but I'm not in the ways that I want to be and because of that, I have low self-esteem.. I tend to overcompensate for this, but that's always just a temporary fix and it's never long before I overcompensate again because it's a frequent struggle.
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Re: On edge

Postby Manners73 » Sat Dec 07, 2019 5:08 pm

I feel on edge as well but I also like to be around people as well because I feel in control when I'm around people.

But I know I'm my own worst enemy because when I'm not feeling on edge I'm looking for something to make me feel on edge.

I'd love to break free of this cycle but I really don't know of any other way to behave.

I have a persecution complex.
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Re: On edge

Postby EllaBlack » Sat Dec 07, 2019 7:20 pm

Manners73 wrote:I feel on edge as well but I also like to be around people as well because I feel in control when I'm around people.

I'm often disinterested in what people are saying because I have a hard time reading them and it becomes frustrating.. I'm also not usually sure what the appropriate way to act is, so I often have a stoic or uncomfortable demeanour.. I find that my brain goes too fast and I get distracted very easily.. I come across as superficial to people a lot and I am to an extent.

I'm often so exhausted that I just want to be alone.. I'm highly neurotic, have an extremely fragile ego and I play roles to fit in, just so I don't feel lonely or because it's beneficial.. I'm quite selfish and while initially having good intentions with promises and such, I often don't follow through.. I use people as an audience, for things I need and want, to taunt/mess with for my own amusement (usually as a way of getting even, but sometimes just for fun.) I sometimes feel remorse for those things, but not shame.. although I do feel shame in other ways.

But I know I'm my own worst enemy because when I'm not feeling on edge I'm looking for something to make me feel on edge.

I feel like I need that aggression sometimes and more specifically, I need the confidence from it to do the damage I want to do to someone or something.

I'd love to break free of this cycle but I really don't know of any other way to behave.

What's the alternative? A lifetime of ups and downs caused by tumultuous interpersonal relationships? I take what I need and I go.. ###$ them.

I have a persecution complex.

Me too.. People been persecutin me.

I believe that repeated trauma on a regular basis for a long period of time made me this way.. Also self-doubt in my perception of the signs of predatory/manipulative behaviour.. Now I've gone so far down the rabbit hole that I have a much different outlook on life than I once did.. Everything was sunshine and rainbows, then suddenly the great storm hit, made landfall on my psyche and turned it into Orleans after Katrina.
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Re: On edge

Postby ZeroZ » Sun Dec 08, 2019 5:32 pm

Have either of you noticed any connection to how your life is going in connection with how on edge or aggressive you are feeling? For instance if you are having regular sex or things are going well in a relationship etc?
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Re: On edge

Postby Manners73 » Sun Dec 08, 2019 5:38 pm

I've tried to put a connection together but sometimes even if I've had really great sex in the morning I'll still go loopy in the afternoon.

If I've earned good money and everything's sweet I can still go loopy.

There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it sometimes.

It's like if I've got nothing in reality to worry about I'll make up some kind of unreality to worry about.

I am working on this Z. I promise.
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Re: On edge

Postby EllaBlack » Sun Dec 08, 2019 8:46 pm

ZeroZ wrote:Have either of you noticed any connection to how your life is going in connection with how on edge or aggressive you are feeling? For instance if you are having regular sex or things are going well in a relationship etc?

Yes, a lot of it is circumstantial stress.. I don't want to be around people right now.. I'm anxious around everyone and I'm constantly thinking about potential threats.. I can't relax.. I spat on a woman at the homeless shelter I'm staying at for disrespecting me and now there's people after me, a whole group of them.. I want to avoid them but I have to go back there for shelter so I can sleep and not freeze to death outside in this horrible cold, so as a means of protection I'm carrying lighter fluid.. I'm anxious because I fear that if someone tries to hurt me, I'll use the lighter fluid on them and then there will probably be severe repercussions.. But it might help me survive and that's the most important thing.. I just hope that would deter them and fire wouldn't be necessary.

What else can I do? I'm not ######6 stable and I feel like Bateman the way I'm slipping..
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Re: On edge

Postby covertunsure » Mon Dec 09, 2019 3:54 am

I could have written your post, seriously and literally, wow. I feel angry, homicidal, and/or suicidal (all sides of the same hypothetical three-sided coin, I guess) much of the time when being out in the world. For me it's mostly triggered by perceptions of rejection or being ignored by people. Then I need to reclaim and win the power struggle (I perceive) they've initiated.

Maybe you don't just (or at all) have NPD, but some kind of paranoia, borderline, and/or OCD traits going on. It sounds a bit more complicated--like mine. Hate to say that as I know it doesn't necessarily help, but it may be the truth. I also found what you said interesting about not being able to read people. To me that suggests perhaps a form of aspergers/mild autistic traits? I have those for sure. Not diagnosing you, just throwing ideas out there if you truly have challenges reading body language and relating to others.

Let me ask you this, do you feel a desire to truly connect with people and do you have empathy? Or do you merely want to dominate, control, and feel superior to them? Try to put this into the larger perspective of your life, not just how you're currently feeling, which may be partly determined by your current life circumstances--which admittedly, do not sound too pleasant.

I hope things get better soon for you.
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Re: On edge

Postby EllaBlack » Mon Dec 09, 2019 6:05 pm

covertunsure wrote:Let me ask you this, do you feel a desire to truly connect with people and do you have empathy?

No, I feel a desire to be lusted after by a bunch of sexy girls and have sex every day.

I get disturbed by people's pain sometimes, so yeah I have empathy.

Or do you merely want to dominate, control, and feel superior to them? Try to put this into the larger perspective of your life, not just how you're currently feeling, which may be partly determined by your current life circumstances--which admittedly, do not sound too pleasant.

Only if they piss me off or I'm horny.. The thought of having a dom/sub relationship is really appealing, or just straight up raping some girl who pisses me off.

Everyone ends up becoming an enemy or a major source of stress.
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Re: On edge

Postby Manners73 » Mon Dec 09, 2019 6:41 pm

You don't wanna go round raping people my friend. There are better ways to channel your energies.
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Re: On edge

Postby EllaBlack » Mon Dec 09, 2019 6:50 pm

Manners73 wrote:You don't wanna go round raping people my friend. There are better ways to channel your energies.

I don't want to go to prison and that's why I've always chosen not to rape anyone.. But if I was angry and confident enough, I can see myself doing it.. What else would stop me.
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