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Respect, narc’y defenses and triggers

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Respect, narc’y defenses and triggers

Postby ZeroZ » Tue Nov 26, 2019 9:03 pm

Ok, so in a time long ago when testosterone flowed at peak levels this was perhaps my main concern. Anger perhaps alittle rage and conflict. The way I’ve chosen to deal with this is to play the perfect gentleman try to kill people with kindness and hopefully they don’t trigger (I hate that word) any unwanted reactions on my part.

This works to some degree, I’ve kept out of trouble at work and I pretty much avoid all human beings whenever I can. Is it a perfect system no but it’s been working, sorta the problem is I detest that I have to do this, I feel like I shouldn’t have to change for someone else’s benefit. This also just causes the anger when it does come about to get turned inwards at myself, self medicating, other covert sneaky self destructive behavior I’m starting to catch on to.

Today had someone deliberately trying to piss me off and I know what he was mad at but he didn’t know what was going on and was wrong, so I pulled my vehicle up on the side of him and let lose, absolutely destroyed him, am I proud of this, no but I did have a learning experience out of this, It felt good it felt great to just dump it all on him and not carry it around the rest of the day. Perhaps this is wrong, I don’t know that is just how I felt, right or wrong.

I’d like to hear other people and what they think about this, I know kingping has mentioned looking for ways to better deal with these situations. If I had a volume knob this wouldn’t be an issue but I don’t I go from calm respectful normal guy to full on psycho with nothing in the middle back to normal again.

I used to take it out in the gym only problem with that is I would intentionally push it to the point of destroying my body before I felt better. I told this guy after ear raping him to go f@$k himself and have a nice holiday lol Atleast I’m cordial
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Re: Respect, narc’y defenses and triggers

Postby Reaper » Wed Nov 27, 2019 10:14 am

I get pissed off real easy and get over it real quick. The thing is I can never remember what my anger is like. I have this really short memory for emotion it seems. I think it's because any emotion I feel at times is fleeting. It's there and it's gone again. A psychologist asked me once to explain certain emotions to her and I couldn't. How the f** do you explain something you hardly feel.

Anger is probably the deepest emotion I experience but it's also shallow. I could be having an aggressive argument with one person online and having a pleasant conversation with another at the same time and neither would be aware of the other.

One thing that triggers my anger is being disrespected, but that depends on the circumstance. You could insult me to my face one day and I wouldn't give a s***. Do it another day and I'll want to rip your head off.

Another thing that triggers it is noise, certain noises that other people seem to be able to tolerate more, like someone mowing the lawn more often than expected. One of my neighbors used to mow his lawn a lot. I wanted to go out and put a f****** bullet in his head.

I rarely express rage, but I think I must feel it a lot when angry because my first thoughts are usually always violent ones.

It's funny, I can be calm as day in the middle of a severe storm (and I should know. I've lived through three of them) and yet I'll lose it over a pebble in my shoe. Sometimes it's the small things that bring out the beast in me.
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Re: Respect, narc’y defenses and triggers

Postby justonemoreperson » Wed Nov 27, 2019 10:15 am

@Zero

I can relate to much of that.

I have times when I'm less able to deal with keeping a lid on things. It started when I was a kid and I used to tell my parents that it felt like burning. I never really understood it, as it would come out of nowhere and I'd end up going feral.

It still happens now, although not with the same ferocity. I think it's calmed down for a number of reasons.

I think age has an effect, as you've mentioned. I'm not sure if this is due to physiological things like testosterone, as when I get aggressive I do so in the same manner as I used to. But I think there's an acceptance and a recognition of what's happening, and the awareness takes some of the power out of it.

Having a wife who understands, to an extent, what's going on inside my head without judgement helps too. I think a lot of the problem is restriction. Good behaviour and following other people's guidelines creates a powder-keg of pressure which, at some point, is going to go boom.

Now, when I'm heading there, she'll often notice before I become consciously aware of it, because I start becoming more distant and my language towards her is more detached. She'll then say, "go out and shoot something; I've cancelled our plans to go out with friends tonight."

Weed helps too.

Regarding confrontation. I'm very confrontational with pretty much everything, and if I get into a situation I'll push the other person hard to make a move and then all systems go, but usually people back down.

I was driving through a local town and this guy was driving right up my arse, so I stopped the car in the middle of the street and got out, stood in front of his car and started shouting at him, what the ###$ he thought he was doing. I told him to get out of his car because I couldn't hear what he was saying but he just locked his door.

I got back in the car and drove off. My wife said, "Feel better?" "Yeah," "Ok, stop at the shop, we need milk."

I guess what I'm getting at is, sometimes anger isn't a problem. Allowing it to come out in smaller doses will stop the build up so much, before you end up playing football with someone's head.
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Re: Respect, narc’y defenses and triggers

Postby Reaper » Wed Nov 27, 2019 10:44 am

justonemoreperson wrote:I have times when I'm less able to deal with keeping a lid on things. It started when I was a kid and I used to tell my parents that it felt like burning. I never really understood it, as it would come out of nowhere and I'd end up going feral.

It still happens now, although not with the same ferocity. I think it's calmed down for a number of reasons.


It sounds similar to the destructive urges I get, where I just want to destroy everything around me. They just seem to come out of nowhere because I don't recall anything triggering them. I just think it stems from a build-up of excess energy that turns hostile when there's not enough to stimulate and release it.

I've had violent thoughts since early childhood, but the destructive urges didn't start until in my teens, so I don't know if it's even connected to that. As you know, I get homicidal urges as well, and while destructive urges may seem similar to that, they're different in that they make me want to destroy everything, not just kill someone.

I think age has an effect


I feel much more aggressive now than I did when I was younger.

Regarding confrontation. I'm very confrontational with pretty much everything


I find that hard to believe.

Confrontational

Tending to deal with situations in an aggressive way; hostile or argumentative.

You've been on the forum for years and not once have I ever seen you show any serious hostility towards anyone or be confrontational. You usually come across as very passive. As far as I can tell, you don't even enjoy arguing and often avoid it.

Me personally, I love confrontation. I love a good argument and the more aggressive it is, the more I like it, especially when there's potential for violence. It can be exciting in a mild kind of way (not always of course).
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Re: Respect, narc’y defenses and triggers

Postby ZeroZ » Wed Nov 27, 2019 1:37 pm

Good behaviour and following other people's guidelines creates a powder-keg of pressure which, at some point, is going to go boom.


This describes it quite well, usually because I’m trying extra hard to play the role, the role everyone else wants. I get a slice here and a slice there when it’s not reciprocated back. This goes on for awhile until there is the great release. Luckily I don’t get physically violent I just rant and rave. I’ve mentioned this to in therapy and her response was, She’s not calling me a violent person but she asked what would happen if someone did it right back to me... probably end badly for someone I’d imagine. Somehow I’d never thought of that before.

I think I really need to get back into the gym after the holidays pass, just run it out of myself.

-- Wed Nov 27, 2019 8:43 am --

@Reaper I’m the same way with emotions I experience them more in my head I can’t really describe somatic symptoms for most of it either. All I felt during this whole exchange was a little bit of anxiety in anticipation of what I might do and then a bit of exhilaration during the event itself, like a quick drop on a roller coaster then it was gone. Then I said ‘have a nice holiday’ and drove away.
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Re: Respect, narc’y defenses and triggers

Postby justonemoreperson » Wed Nov 27, 2019 2:43 pm

ZeroZ wrote:
I think I really need to get back into the gym after the holidays pass, just run it out of myself.


It would be good if there was some way to be less reactive to it; some way to take control of the aggression in the first place, rather than just release the symptoms, but so far I've not found anything that really works.
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Re: Respect, narc’y defenses and triggers

Postby easiersaidthandone » Fri Nov 29, 2019 11:34 pm

In jail, my anger management teacher taught to view anger as a secondary emotion which stems from a primary negative feeling, such as envy, disrespect, etc. I explained to her as well as I could my own system for dealing with anger. She liked my strategy, I deal with anger in a proactive manner in which I aim to get the particular thing that caused the emotion back under my control. You must regain the upper-hand if you wish not to have anger linger and possibly build up.

When I'm successful, that anger turns into the satisfaction of winning. I use my emotions in a Machiavellian way rather than uninhibitedly letting out anger and frustration because I derive more satisfaction in asserting control and getting my way than releasing feelings to feel better.

Of course I still lash out at times. Though even then, I'm consciously telling myself to let go and be aggressive because damn it sometimes feels great to induce fear.
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Re: Respect, narc’y defenses and triggers

Postby Manners73 » Sat Nov 30, 2019 4:20 pm

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I believe that I am my own trigger and I'll tell you why..

I was never an angry child. I always loved confrontation and fighting but I was always in control and I did it more for the reaction I got and the look on people's faces. I liked the status it gave me and the reputation, if you like.

I came from an abusive home but spent most of my time in other people's houses or in care but I learned how to fake anger and aggression from my family even though I didn't feel the emotion behind it.

But as I got older I started looking for triggers just so I could have an excuse to be violent. So I could have something to blame for my outbursts.

Then one day without me realising the act became real and I actually started to feel the real pain of the anger burning inside me and all of a sudden I was out of control.

I'm working on this nowadays and regaining my control back. Its been a hellish ride.

I still like baring my teeth and growling. It makes me feel proud.

I don't know why.
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Re: Respect, narc’y defenses and triggers

Postby ZeroZ » Sat Nov 30, 2019 5:31 pm

Haha @ growling I’ve done that. It’s just an impulse control issue with me, I believe, I don’t think well when I get to that point as your brain naturally turns off higher reasoning parts of the brain in favor of more primitive and instinctual ones. So combine impulse control issues with a brain that goes into impulsive survival mode and you don’t have a good recipe going.
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Re: Respect, narc’y defenses and triggers

Postby Manners73 » Sat Nov 30, 2019 8:40 pm

Have you come face to face with someone who has the same temperament as yourself?

I mean in the workplace irl situation?

If you have what did you think of them?
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