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How does admiration make you feel?

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How does admiration make you feel?

Postby SomeDude007 » Mon Sep 16, 2019 7:56 pm

Hello,

I am someone with a mix of "Pure" OCD (ruminating/intrusive thoughts) and narcissistic traits (I think); although where my OCD ends and traits begin, I do not know.

I was wondering how admiration makes one with NPD feel? Might sound like a obvious answer, but I am curious.

When I get admiration it can of course make me feel good, but it also makes me uncomfortable. I find that I try to brush it off and "disperse" the admiration to others around me, such as reflecting back to the person who gave the compliment with a compliment about them as well. It also triggers anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Any time I talk about myself I also get a uncomfortable feeling, and it makes me hyper aware of what I'm doing/saying, analyzing my interactions to see if I am indeed coming off as self-absorbed. I will also do this when thinking about previous conversations I have had, and frequently it makes me cringe.

Do you ever think back on times when you've acted boastful/self absorbed? How does it make you feel?
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Re: How does admiration make you feel?

Postby covertunsure » Mon Sep 16, 2019 8:04 pm

Wow, we're very similar I think at least insofar as I have OCD traits + NPD traits, complicating the picture of both.

For me, my OCD "obsession" (but it may be more a narcissistic obsession or grandiosity, or a mix of both) is about my looks. When people don't notice me or find me attractive, I go beserk internally (and sometimes do virtually anything to get their attention). That's a narcissistic thing, because I can't tolerate not being perfect and universally attractive to everyone.

But when I do feel like I get lots of attention, I almost resent it and feel objectified. Basically, I can't win. More later, perhaps. Going to the gym now.
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Re: How does admiration make you feel?

Postby SomeDude007 » Mon Sep 16, 2019 9:00 pm

Hi Covert,

Thanks for the reply, and sorry that you're suffering.

For me, my OCD manifests itself mostly as "oh my god, what if I'm ___?". This can various things, ranging from gay, narcissistic, pedophile, asexual, psychopath (that one was interesting :? ), etc. Currently my mind is stuck on narcissism, but just a few weeks ago it was gay/asexual.

Since I do have self esteem issues I can get a little talkative and annoying, although idk if that is just my perception of myself (distorted by my OCD), or what others think of me as well. I basically just wish that I could live my life without the constant questioning.

Do you find that you also have other "obsessions", or are they all narcissistic-focused?
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Re: How does admiration make you feel?

Postby ZeroZ » Mon Sep 16, 2019 9:50 pm

Listening to this makes me think I’m more anti social than narcissistic, I generally don’t like people and don’t want their attention, I give respect and I want it back if I don’t get it I get violent urges. Sometimes I need validation on certain things but I don’t expect people to admire me and I tend to hate overt narcissistic types, loud flash people I don’t want them near me.
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Re: How does admiration make you feel?

Postby ViniStonemoss » Mon Sep 16, 2019 10:11 pm

ZeroZ wrote: I tend to hate overt narcissistic types, loud flash people I don’t want them near me.


So you don't like Trump?
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Re: How does admiration make you feel?

Postby ZeroZ » Mon Sep 16, 2019 10:34 pm

ViniStonemoss wrote:
ZeroZ wrote: I tend to hate overt narcissistic types, loud flash people I don’t want them near me.


So you don't like Trump?


No, I love Trump. Exception rather than the rule I guess
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Re: How does admiration make you feel?

Postby covertunsure » Mon Sep 16, 2019 11:29 pm

SomeDude007 wrote:Hi Covert,

Thanks for the reply, and sorry that you're suffering.

For me, my OCD manifests itself mostly as "oh my god, what if I'm ___?". This can various things, ranging from gay, narcissistic, pedophile, asexual, psychopath (that one was interesting :? ), etc. Currently my mind is stuck on narcissism, but just a few weeks ago it was gay/asexual.

Since I do have self esteem issues I can get a little talkative and annoying, although idk if that is just my perception of myself (distorted by my OCD), or what others think of me as well. I basically just wish that I could live my life without the constant questioning.

Do you find that you also have other "obsessions", or are they all narcissistic-focused?


It sounds like you may have pure "O" OCD and sort of a mental hypochondria, which I've had precisely before as well, and thus are obsessing about having NPD. You may not have it at all, and more likely than not, simply given your predilection to worry about having mental disorders, you probably don't.

BTW, homosexual OCD is one of the commonest forms for young men. It's sad, really. First of all, I'm gay, and being gay isn't that bad, so even if you are (and I highly, highly doubt it, given that OCD makes us think of things that usually aren't true and are worst-case scenario), it's not a bad reality.

Yes, I do have other obsessions. Many are narcissistic, but some are not.

  • I've had homicidal OCD where I worried I ran someone over. That no longer predominates.
  • I've had hypochondria (arguably a form of OCD) where I was convinced I had brain cancer, schizophrenia, MS, ALS, etc. (sort of in remission, but rears its head quite often in more mild ways)
  • I have a thing where I say the number "77" in my head when I'm avoiding attention or trying to repress my grandiosity (very weird, I know)
  • I feel like if I do X, Y either will or won't happen—magical thinking part and parcel of OCD. But this often ties into my narcissism. For example, I have a need to be the most attractive person in a given place.
    So my intrusive thought is, for example, that if I have the thought, "wow, I'm the most attractive person here," and I really obsess and get excited about it, then someone more attractive will show up. Weirdly, that seems to actually happen quite often (someone more attractive showing up randomly out of nowhere), so I can't help but believe there may be truth to it. But, this may be delusional.
    So, this may be an ego-dystonic thought, since my grandiosity makes me cringe--or, alternatively, it's simply me being worried about the possibility of that scenario (someone more attractive showing up) coming to fruition.
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Re: How does admiration make you feel?

Postby Akuma » Tue Sep 17, 2019 3:34 am

I'm either neutral to admiration or I play it down.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: How does admiration make you feel?

Postby SomeDude007 » Tue Sep 17, 2019 7:14 am

covertunsure wrote:
It sounds like you may have pure "O" OCD and sort of a mental hypochondria, which I've had precisely before as well, and thus are obsessing about having NPD. You may not have it at all, and more likely than not, simply given your predilection to worry about having mental disorders, you probably don't.

BTW, homosexual OCD is one of the commonest forms for young men. It's sad, really. First of all, I'm gay, and being gay isn't that bad, so even if you are (and I highly, highly doubt it, given that OCD makes us think of things that usually aren't true and are worst-case scenario), it's not a bad reality.

Yes, I do have other obsessions. Many are narcissistic, but some are not.

  • I've had homicidal OCD where I worried I ran someone over. That no longer predominates.
  • I've had hypochondria (arguably a form of OCD) where I was convinced I had brain cancer, schizophrenia, MS, ALS, etc. (sort of in remission, but rears its head quite often in more mild ways)
  • I have a thing where I say the number "77" in my head when I'm avoiding attention or trying to repress my grandiosity (very weird, I know)
  • I feel like if I do X, Y either will or won't happen—magical thinking part and parcel of OCD. But this often ties into my narcissism. For example, I have a need to be the most attractive person in a given place.
    So my intrusive thought is, for example, that if I have the thought, "wow, I'm the most attractive person here," and I really obsess and get excited about it, then someone more attractive will show up. Weirdly, that seems to actually happen quite often (someone more attractive showing up randomly out of nowhere), so I can't help but believe there may be truth to it. But, this may be delusional.
    So, this may be an ego-dystonic thought, since my grandiosity makes me cringe--or, alternatively, it's simply me being worried about the possibility of that scenario (someone more attractive showing up) coming to fruition.


Thanks Covert. I've done some reading on Pure O OCD in the past, and in all of the things that I have thought I had (NPD, ASPD, etc.), Pure O was the only one where there was no anxiety/ruminating involved... Pretty telling if you ask me :lol:

I definitely have no issues with actually being gay or gay people (I have tons of gay friends that I play sports with), I think it's more of the fact that it would I guess go against that I believe is a core of myself. Kind of like a betrayal to myself I guess? I dunno.

Just curious, have you ever gotten therapy/medication specifically for your OCD? How effective was it?
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Re: How does admiration make you feel?

Postby covertunsure » Tue Sep 17, 2019 1:33 pm

SomeDude007 wrote:
covertunsure wrote:
It sounds like you may have pure "O" OCD and sort of a mental hypochondria, which I've had precisely before as well, and thus are obsessing about having NPD. You may not have it at all, and more likely than not, simply given your predilection to worry about having mental disorders, you probably don't.

BTW, homosexual OCD is one of the commonest forms for young men. It's sad, really. First of all, I'm gay, and being gay isn't that bad, so even if you are (and I highly, highly doubt it, given that OCD makes us think of things that usually aren't true and are worst-case scenario), it's not a bad reality.

Yes, I do have other obsessions. Many are narcissistic, but some are not.

  • I've had homicidal OCD where I worried I ran someone over. That no longer predominates.
  • I've had hypochondria (arguably a form of OCD) where I was convinced I had brain cancer, schizophrenia, MS, ALS, etc. (sort of in remission, but rears its head quite often in more mild ways)
  • I have a thing where I say the number "77" in my head when I'm avoiding attention or trying to repress my grandiosity (very weird, I know)
  • I feel like if I do X, Y either will or won't happen—magical thinking part and parcel of OCD. But this often ties into my narcissism. For example, I have a need to be the most attractive person in a given place.
    So my intrusive thought is, for example, that if I have the thought, "wow, I'm the most attractive person here," and I really obsess and get excited about it, then someone more attractive will show up. Weirdly, that seems to actually happen quite often (someone more attractive showing up randomly out of nowhere), so I can't help but believe there may be truth to it. But, this may be delusional.
    So, this may be an ego-dystonic thought, since my grandiosity makes me cringe--or, alternatively, it's simply me being worried about the possibility of that scenario (someone more attractive showing up) coming to fruition.


Thanks Covert. I've done some reading on Pure O OCD in the past, and in all of the things that I have thought I had (NPD, ASPD, etc.), Pure O was the only one where there was no anxiety/ruminating involved... Pretty telling if you ask me :lol:

I definitely have no issues with actually being gay or gay people (I have tons of gay friends that I play sports with), I think it's more of the fact that it would I guess go against that I believe is a core of myself. Kind of like a betrayal to myself I guess? I dunno.

Just curious, have you ever gotten therapy/medication specifically for your OCD? How effective was it?


Just to clarify, do you mean when you sort of tested the thought of having Pure "O" OCD you didn't feel anxiety about it? I am familiar with that feeling, too. I mean, in theory, it could be a false indicator, since who wouldn't prefer to have an ego-dystonic order than a major, ego-syntonic characterological defect. Not saying it is in your case at all, just pointing out that it may not mean a whole lot in and of itself. But it's funny, because I can relate to testing different thoughts against the OCD thought processes/framework, seeing how they feel, and coming to conclusions based on that. Assuming, of course, that is what you meant.

I have read a good book about OCD (Brain Lock) and seen several therapists more generally...probably 8-10 in my relatively short life. None has diagnosed me officially with OCD I don't think, but several have said I have tendencies/traits. I don't know why I can't just get a ######6 diagnosis. Driving me crazy not to have something definitive to latch onto.

I have heard that CBT and exposure therapy can be effective for OCD. CBT requires you to do the homework, and since I have some kind of personality disorder or at least serious traits of one and I generally dislike myself very strongly, I always end up self-sabotaging, just to sort of prove to myself and the therapist that I'm too specially defective to fix. :? And as far as exposure therapy, in my case, I don't see what I'd be "exposing" myself to. There are no specific fears really at the moment, just obsessions and rumination.
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