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Collapsing

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Collapsing

Postby SelfSerf » Sat Sep 07, 2019 2:53 pm

Anyone ever lose all (the dreaded phrase) - *sources of supply*. I´ve felt for more than a year (when I quit my job) as if there is no-one and no cause left to idealize out there so I didn´t really know where to go there. I have a total lack of internal sense of motivation (dysthymia) hence I also lack belief in shifting focus somewhere and reinventing myself since that seems an impossible feat. Esspecially now that I´ve been driving people I´ve known longest in my life further and further away. Don´t have the ego-strength nor the inherent will to charm my way into a new group of people.

Nowadays it feels like my life is a wide awake nightmare and that´s when I consider hospitalization but what is keeping me from admitting myself anywhere is I don´t think I would bounce back from that. There are legit days now where I feel like am so paranoid am going to explode and am having difficult keeping the mask on for even daily errands. The crappy part is my paycheck comes from a job that requires me to objectify myself even further. I kind of know, it´s just full on riding on adrenaline. I´ve begun freaking people out for sure...

I stopped going to therapy like a year ago when things got more than devious and malignant, i.e. feeling inherently "evil" (because manipulation became conscious and I actually started calculating my next steps, instead of in a subconscious manner. So that I couldn´t even face my therapist without my mind (or inner critic) going beserk on me and telling me to make a run for it from her office. Coincidentally looking back it feels like she was my last straw to the real world.

Someone here once wrote that once you delve into the realm of psychopathy, your mind will never let up. It´s been a year of feeling like Gollum/Smeagol now and I can´t accept there is no going back. I´ve totally lost the plot. Sad thing is my rational mind knows there isn´t even if I want to remain ignorant of it in a childlike way. Going off the adage, I´ve been feeding the wrong wolf and he´s grown into a beast the size I can´t handle. I don´t believe any therapy will ever help because last time I got my hopes up to try a new therapist I was almost too paranoid to sit in the same room with her.

Basically I feel like crawling into a hole curling up and dying because there is nobody left to turn to. I don´t see anything being improvd by my existence.
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Re: Collapsing

Postby ZeroZ » Sat Sep 07, 2019 3:18 pm

I could have written most of that myself, chilling, I don’t feel like I’m turning malignant in any way though. If I lost my job for some reason, I’d either be locked up or most likely dead within a year, I have no doubt about it. You need a purpose in life, any purpose is better none. You sound like you are the grips of a deep depression, the dark thinking could easily be attributed to that, the hardest part to breaking out of it is dragging yourself outside and doing something, but it’s the most crucial step as well.
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Re: Collapsing

Postby Akuma » Sat Sep 07, 2019 5:27 pm

Self-diagnosing oneself with an illness one thinks is incurable has always been in fashion on this forum for the people who didnt have the balls to change something about their situation.
Kind of understandable maybe, you would have to change a lot of stuff probably, your housing situation being one of the foremost, your job might be another one. But if you want to push the first steps away all the time, rushing back into your inner world of self accusations until youre an old man, suit yourself.
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Re: Collapsing

Postby SelfSerf » Sat Sep 07, 2019 5:37 pm

I obviously still also have the tendency of writing out a sentence and not finishing the thought. What I meant to write connected to the notion of adrenaline was that my job as a courier is essentially running on adrenaline and dopamine most of the time. Otherwise it´s a really rough getting going. If I´m not sharp and wired once I throw on the backpack, I think it might be for me to get into an accident as there are legit times when I kind of phase out and become foggy on the bike cruising through traffic. The other end of that is that after some time of going intensely, am so overwired I legitimately lose the sense of danger. When I´ve got on the steed in a somewhat vulnerable state, being amidst cars actually felt somewhat frightening, so as to counteract that, I just numb myself out (overstimulate) and go all buckwild insane pedalling amidst cars. Am sure it can´t be good for a fragile brain to be in a near-constant state of fight-or flight (I know am the hypervigilant style). Other than for the reason that it´s easy, uncommited earning, it´s almost like I´ve chosen this line of work just so to prove myself am not who I am.

A part of me thinks I should quit caffeeine and try to actually settle down with but I don´t really wanna stop as I like the constant action. And am afraid of feeling even lesser-than once I do that. In order to keep up with earning tantalizing amounts of money (that I´ve ramped myself up for), I treat my body as just an object (I´ve read this as being somewhat common for NPD) to get around which leads me to treat other people like objects as well. I guess it doesn´t help that a large amount of time it also entails often going into malls (which I absolutely abhor). Just a mass of mindless people spending their leisure time by consumption.
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Re: Collapsing

Postby SelfSerf » Sat Sep 07, 2019 5:52 pm

Akuma wrote:Self-diagnosing oneself with an illness one thinks is incurable has always been in fashion on this forum for the people who didnt have the balls to change something about their situation.
Kind of understandable maybe, you would have to change a lot of stuff probably, your housing situation being one of the foremost, your job might be another one. But if you want to push the first steps away all the time, rushing back into your inner world of self accusations until youre an old man, suit yourself.


Ouch, a rough but honest one from you there.

The thing is, my ASPD traits are so augmented nowadays and my self-esteem so low that I find it very difficult to actually socialize with new people, let alone find a new job. The housing situation is actually in a rough place both ways because I am situated between two cities. If am not staying with my dad (pw cNPD) The place I currently rent a room at is in a student town and the house is known as a kind of communal housing. The rent is sort of cheap, it´s a shared apartment and it drawns in people from other countries and those only looking to rent for a short while. It has the benefits of random parties and joviality but lately I´d rather avoid those as I´ve actually disliked the spontaneity

The way I´ve rationalized it was to have more options available just going inbetween towns but I´ve noticed being inbetween two cities is not helping in the least due to the lack of object constancy (I´ve started noticing this for the past year more and more how it takes me a while to sort of ´warm up´ again towards people). I genuinely seem to forget them and our history together. Then again, it´s also been a way of keeping others at a distance. I And that has been fine by me as if I´m not here, there is no way they can get close and find out what a bummer I can really be. But it works the other way as well. People I´ve met, friends I´ve made in the other town I´ve become estranged from as well. Largely because of this newfound awareness of not being like others (in a bad way), i.e. capable of real friendship, I´ve alienated others. Before it used to be in a good way, i.e. thinking I was special. These self-attacks actually stem from realizing what a negative influence I can have on others and not seeing myself as being able to contribute in a worthwhile way.

The other place I am currently housed entails living in a communal apartment with a shared WC and kitchen, which is not ideal, as the tenants change often due to the nutjob of a landlord. It´s owned by a sociopathic couple, and the landlord and her husband have a record of shady real estate businessing, skinning people to the very last cent, evading taxes and even having actual physical confronted previous tenants. I took it as my a mission for a while to undermine their rule but it´s more-so a delusion of mine to think that one is able to. I´ve somewhat relished the drama of hassling with them but I know they would kick people out of the house in a heartbeat for the smallest of disagreements. I guess it doesn´t help my fight or flight situation in the least to know that there is are such misers breathing down your neck all the time
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Re: Collapsing

Postby Akuma » Sun Sep 08, 2019 5:43 am

Well what you are describing to me sounds like a situation in which you are uncertain where you belong and that is characterized by a lot of uncertainty and chaos, where you seem to be living in three different places, "between two cities" (also symbolically for your inner situation if I may say so), where you seem unsure how much you affect others, but also how independent you want to be from people that you characterize often as very bad.
I've said this already, it might really be worthwhile, getting out of the situation for a while to reset yourself a bit and get a new perspective on where you are at the moment and how you feel about it and if and what you want to do about it. Maybe its possible to contact your old therapist about this, they might know of a place.
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Re: Collapsing

Postby xdude » Mon Sep 09, 2019 1:51 pm

I find your thoughts very insightful, and yes to how keeping busy, adrenaline flowing near always can feel like a state of mental health. I don't know if you can related to this or not, but it reminded me I had learned 'you aren't allowed to be just be happy, or at peace, your job is to accomplish things, that is what you are valued for...'
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Re: Collapsing

Postby SelfSerf » Fri Oct 11, 2019 11:59 am

Akuma wrote:Well what you are describing to me sounds like a situation in which you are uncertain where you belong and that is characterized by a lot of uncertainty and chaos, where you seem to be living in three different places, "between two cities" (also symbolically for your inner situation if I may say so), where you seem unsure how much you affect others, but also how independent you want to be from people that you characterize often as very bad.
I've said this already, it might really be worthwhile, getting out of the situation for a while to reset yourself a bit and get a new perspective on where you are at the moment and how you feel about it and if and what you want to do about it. Maybe its possible to contact your old therapist about this, they might know of a place.


The problem is the more time I take ´off´ the more I tend to hate myself because it´s a constant comparison between how well off and adaptive others are and how enriched their lives are. And I feel like I know for sure that putting myself in some clinic situation aint gonna help me much, cause I don´t really take anyone´s advice. No-one´s advice is ever enough to put off the state of restlessness I am in daily of just the unsatisfactory state of being. I guess at some point am trying to find ways of dealing with it. If a year of transference based dialectic therapy didn´t help and just concluded with shutting the therapist out, it´s tough to hold out hope for anything else after that.

As many probably have experienced, there is hardly any off-switch for that in the brain.. If you feel like you´re stuck in a worthlessness bubble and you have no inner agency to shift your situation (because you´re experiencing dysthimia for the umpteenth time and stay too depressed to truly contribute in interactions in people), until someone comes to pop that bubble for you. And that is the position I am in, it´s just that there are almost no people left to do that.

For some periods of time I find some inner sense of purpose to go on with it but it´s quite manic and it´s just sitting on stilts and could crumble at the slightest obstruction. I know it´s actually a dead-end path as compared to the world at large.

xdude wrote:I find your thoughts very insightful, and yes to how keeping busy, adrenaline flowing near always can feel like a state of mental health. I don't know if you can relate to this or not, but it reminded me I had learned 'you aren't allowed to be just be happy, or at peace, your job is to accomplish things, that is what you are valued for...'


The ways I´ve dealt with being depressed as a child were a sort of turning away from the world, giving up on society´s expectations of what makes a successful human being in our society, but then cloaking that innerly held standard of necessary ambitoun into some false sense of self-appointed goals that carry little relation to what the world around me is doing, i.e. what they call the narcissistic bubble. I´ve avoided popping this so long and then a year ago I truly understood what a construct I´ve made for myself. Issue is I have not developed the skills to actually cope with life in any other way, I just design a new bubble to subsist in and now that I realized what party my ASPD traits (that I probably always had but never acknowledged that much) have played in that, I understand that I haven´t ever truly cared to see it any other way. Currently the bubble I am in right now consists of me not doing much meaningless with my time because I am severly depressed I just bide it. And it´s tough because this bubble of isolation is making me shift further into the dissocial realm.

I see people I used to consider friends (really I see how they were sadly just supply to me, people I either idealized and hoped aligning with would somehow enhance my life) going on with their life and actually living and it just ######6 depresses me further because I feel like I just don´t have it in my constitution. All this severe isolation I wen throught as a child/teenager hasn´t really allowed developing proper interest in others anda large percentage of my reaching out to people I´ve faked through the years. The few friends that have stuck around to see my shitshow are not often available so it´s just a bummer. Oh wells.

As far as being allowed to be happy...I barely know how to relate to that. I feel some form of but it´s just constant agitation. Which is pretty much baseline. Recently I built this this thing for common use in the shared apt house that I live in. And for that 3-4 minutes after a guy who lives in the house validated me for doing so, I felt something (or blatantly, my ego felt this strong positive emotion from an odd power-trip construct [I AM STILL CAPABLE of winning people over] but that is like 5 minutes vs the 5hours that I spent struggling and building that $#%^. None of that just seems like it´s worth it to me these days)

Am probably at a low point because the seasons are changing (and I knew I would feel like this), there is barely any sun and it´s all of a sudden cold as ###$ and I keep relapsing with porn every few weeks (drives me way down to nihilistic land) truly feel like I´d be better off dead. It´s just that the way people handle when $#%^ like this hits (seasons changing are hardly true hardship) is that they lean on eachother. They do stuff together, feel some sort of communion and joy from being around others and sharing their lives. And I feel very strongly about how I am not capable of this at the very least. I abhor being around people because nowadays Ive had to resort to being the fakes I´ve ever been to myself. At least back when I used to believe my own $#%^ I was not critical of how I acted, it still probably seemed odd to others. I often just abhor my own existence and it´s just all meaningless. /Woe is me

Maybe I should just start building more random $#%^ and bringing change into the material world. At least that way I have something to show for my time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWejItJsyhQ
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Re: Collapsing

Postby Akuma » Fri Oct 11, 2019 3:17 pm

Maybe youre pushing people away because you perceive them as somehow colluding with a part of you you hate - by the mere act of trying to be helpful?
But if you dont accept help or "dont take anyones advice", youre making it impossible to reach the parts in you that might need and want support.
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Re: Collapsing

Postby covertunsure » Fri Oct 11, 2019 9:06 pm

SelfSerf wrote:
Akuma wrote:Well what you are describing to me sounds like a situation in which you are uncertain where you belong and that is characterized by a lot of uncertainty and chaos, where you seem to be living in three different places, "between two cities" (also symbolically for your inner situation if I may say so), where you seem unsure how much you affect others, but also how independent you want to be from people that you characterize often as very bad.
I've said this already, it might really be worthwhile, getting out of the situation for a while to reset yourself a bit and get a new perspective on where you are at the moment and how you feel about it and if and what you want to do about it. Maybe its possible to contact your old therapist about this, they might know of a place.


The problem is the more time I take ´off´ the more I tend to hate myself because it´s a constant comparison between how well off and adaptive others are and how enriched their lives are. And I feel like I know for sure that putting myself in some clinic situation aint gonna help me much, cause I don´t really take anyone´s advice. No-one´s advice is ever enough to put off the state of restlessness I am in daily of just the unsatisfactory state of being. I guess at some point am trying to find ways of dealing with it. If a year of transference based dialectic therapy didn´t help and just concluded with shutting the therapist out, it´s tough to hold out hope for anything else after that.

As many probably have experienced, there is hardly any off-switch for that in the brain.. If you feel like you´re stuck in a worthlessness bubble and you have no inner agency to shift your situation (because you´re experiencing dysthimia for the umpteenth time and stay too depressed to truly contribute in interactions in people), until someone comes to pop that bubble for you. And that is the position I am in, it´s just that there are almost no people left to do that.

For some periods of time I find some inner sense of purpose to go on with it but it´s quite manic and it´s just sitting on stilts and could crumble at the slightest obstruction. I know it´s actually a dead-end path as compared to the world at large.

xdude wrote:I find your thoughts very insightful, and yes to how keeping busy, adrenaline flowing near always can feel like a state of mental health. I don't know if you can relate to this or not, but it reminded me I had learned 'you aren't allowed to be just be happy, or at peace, your job is to accomplish things, that is what you are valued for...'


The ways I´ve dealt with being depressed as a child were a sort of turning away from the world, giving up on society´s expectations of what makes a successful human being in our society, but then cloaking that innerly held standard of necessary ambitoun into some false sense of self-appointed goals that carry little relation to what the world around me is doing, i.e. what they call the narcissistic bubble. I´ve avoided popping this so long and then a year ago I truly understood what a construct I´ve made for myself. Issue is I have not developed the skills to actually cope with life in any other way, I just design a new bubble to subsist in and now that I realized what party my ASPD traits (that I probably always had but never acknowledged that much) have played in that, I understand that I haven´t ever truly cared to see it any other way. Currently the bubble I am in right now consists of me not doing much meaningless with my time because I am severly depressed I just bide it. And it´s tough because this bubble of isolation is making me shift further into the dissocial realm.

I see people I used to consider friends (really I see how they were sadly just supply to me, people I either idealized and hoped aligning with would somehow enhance my life) going on with their life and actually living and it just ######6 depresses me further because I feel like I just don´t have it in my constitution. All this severe isolation I wen throught as a child/teenager hasn´t really allowed developing proper interest in others anda large percentage of my reaching out to people I´ve faked through the years. The few friends that have stuck around to see my shitshow are not often available so it´s just a bummer. Oh wells.

As far as being allowed to be happy...I barely know how to relate to that. I feel some form of but it´s just constant agitation. Which is pretty much baseline. Recently I built this this thing for common use in the shared apt house that I live in. And for that 3-4 minutes after a guy who lives in the house validated me for doing so, I felt something (or blatantly, my ego felt this strong positive emotion from an odd power-trip construct [I AM STILL CAPABLE of winning people over] but that is like 5 minutes vs the 5hours that I spent struggling and building that $#%^. None of that just seems like it´s worth it to me these days)

Am probably at a low point because the seasons are changing (and I knew I would feel like this), there is barely any sun and it´s all of a sudden cold as ###$ and I keep relapsing with porn every few weeks (drives me way down to nihilistic land) truly feel like I´d be better off dead. It´s just that the way people handle when $#%^ like this hits (seasons changing are hardly true hardship) is that they lean on eachother. They do stuff together, feel some sort of communion and joy from being around others and sharing their lives. And I feel very strongly about how I am not capable of this at the very least. I abhor being around people because nowadays Ive had to resort to being the fakes I´ve ever been to myself. At least back when I used to believe my own $#%^ I was not critical of how I acted, it still probably seemed odd to others. I often just abhor my own existence and it´s just all meaningless. /Woe is me

Maybe I should just start building more random $#%^ and bringing change into the material world. At least that way I have something to show for my time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWejItJsyhQ


Just wanted to say, I relate to a lot of this and you’re not alone. I feel like people don’t like the real covertunsure, they like the facade and part I act out. Last night, I went to a meetup I’ve been going to for a few months. People were laughing at my jokes and I felt like one of the lives of the party. But the entire time, I was thinking, “boy, if only these idiots knew how evil, narcissistic, and angry I am. I hate playing a part, but that’s the only way I can feel perfect and whole. I have no ability to like myself while acknowledging I’m not perfect. Consequently, I’m always miserable out in the world, where I’m constantly confronted with the reality of not being perfect, and I get extremely angry and agitated and get suicidal and homicidal thoughts.
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