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Shifting source of motivation

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Shifting source of motivation

Postby flightrisk » Sun Aug 25, 2019 12:38 pm

My life has been built around achieving ego-driven goals, and I’ve been making a conscious effort to change that. It’s left me at a bit of a standstill, though.

If I strip away the familiar drivers (e.g. attention, accolades, status, money), there is no other source of motivation filling the gap. I envy people who can experience happiness without ego involvement -- a walk in the park, cooking, volunteering at hospice, painting. I try these types of activities and find myself trying to turn it into some kind of competition I can ace…. :roll:

Without the ego-driven rewards, endeavors like this feel as though they are lacking in purpose.

Anyone relate?
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Re: Shifting source of motivation

Postby xdude » Thu Aug 29, 2019 3:44 pm

flightrisk wrote:My life has been built around achieving ego-driven goals, and I’ve been making a conscious effort to change that. It’s left me at a bit of a standstill, though.

If I strip away the familiar drivers (e.g. attention, accolades, status, money), there is no other source of motivation filling the gap. I envy people who can experience happiness without ego involvement -- a walk in the park, cooking, volunteering at hospice, painting. I try these types of activities and find myself trying to turn it into some kind of competition I can ace…. :roll:

Without the ego-driven rewards, endeavors like this feel as though they are lacking in purpose.

Anyone relate?


I don't have any answers, just some related thoughts -

I think unfortunately what most people with cluster B disorders lack (sans Psychopathy, which is different), is implicit self-esteem. We can layer on the explicit self-esteem efforts to fill in temporarily, even hide it, but yea, without that implicit self-esteem backdrop, foundation, choose your word, it's always there in the background.

I don't know how to fix a lack of implicit self-esteem, but it might be worth it to you to peer into the looking glass. You may find no answers either, but I guess the one benefit is I'm somewhat less hard on myself now. I know what is broken, not how to fix it, but that I should stop beating myself up over it. I am more aware of how shame, guilt, and remorse that I didn't deserve have affected me.

The only warning is it's a tough thing to look at, you may need some support while doing so, and you might end up feeling worse off for it. So definitely not suggesting doing so, but yea, that takes guts to start to put those explicit self-esteem boosters aside for a while.
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Re: Shifting source of motivation

Postby realityhere » Tue Sep 03, 2019 2:32 am

I can understand what you mean by achieving ego-driven goals, such as being in a competition to be the best at some thing. I used to be driven by the same goals.

For me, these days I'm doing things for myself and my family/close friends because I realize that ppl who are not your closest don't weigh much importance on what you've done or who you are, they're only interested in product/ money value and not you... only family knows your gestalt for doing something that means something to you. Purpose is something you have to find yourself.

Sorry if I'm not much help here...
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Re: Shifting source of motivation

Postby xdude » Wed Sep 04, 2019 2:44 am

realityhere wrote:I realize that ppl who are not your closest don't weigh much importance on what you've done or who you are, they're only interested in product/ money value and not you...


It's a valid insight, and for some, it goes a step further, even the family is only interested in what product/money you create or dispense. A NPD response is a valid response in those cases.
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Re: Shifting source of motivation

Postby realityhere » Wed Sep 04, 2019 3:59 am

"It's a valid insight, and for some, it goes a step further, even the family is only interested in what product/money you create or dispense. A NPD response is a valid response in those cases."

Thank you, xdude, for making a point about family. That expectation of product/ money {add in the blank} does indeed happen in dysfunctional families. But for some ppl, those closest to you may not be family members, they may be SO's, spouses, or longtime close friends who understand how you move thru the world and what you want to do, purposefully or not.

Doing something for yourself rather than achieving goals so others can reflect your glory is not a simple task, I understand that. Took me years to understand that doing something for oneself is far more satisfying than meeting other ppl's goals. I learned finally to be just me.
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Re: Shifting source of motivation

Postby xdude » Thu Sep 05, 2019 4:24 am

realityhere wrote:Doing something for yourself rather than achieving goals so others can reflect your glory is not a simple task, I understand that. Took me years to understand that doing something for oneself is far more satisfying than meeting other ppl's goals. I learned finally to be just me.


/nod and the hard part is learning to do that without feeling guilty, which is much easier said or written then done. Very cool :) I have gotten to know more about you over the years and you deserve to take care of you without guilt.

The more I got to know about NPD in myself, and others, the more I realized a lot of it came down to being shamed to death for just being alive. Do things for others to be valued. What a messed up message, but it makes sense then why some people go down the NPD path to survive.
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Re: Shifting source of motivation

Postby Akuma » Sat Sep 07, 2019 5:32 pm

flightrisk wrote:My life has been built around achieving ego-driven goals, and I’ve been making a conscious effort to change that. It’s left me at a bit of a standstill, though.

If I strip away the familiar drivers (e.g. attention, accolades, status, money), there is no other source of motivation filling the gap. I envy people who can experience happiness without ego involvement -- a walk in the park, cooking, volunteering at hospice, painting. I try these types of activities and find myself trying to turn it into some kind of competition I can ace…. :roll:

Without the ego-driven rewards, endeavors like this feel as though they are lacking in purpose.

Anyone relate?


And whats so bad about trying to be superb at cooking, painting, volunteering and walking the park? Tolerating the path to being a awesome park-walker can in itself be practice.
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Re: Shifting source of motivation

Postby KingPingX » Thu Sep 19, 2019 7:54 pm

Motivation? There is no motivation. I try to do my chores (everything that is of no intrinsic fun/joy) as good as possible. In return for spending/wasting time with work or chores I want to do what interests me afterwards. I want to learn about stuff that interest me and be comfortable (eat well, spend time outside, be comfy, etc).

I do what I have to do so in exchange I want to do what I like afterwards.
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Re: Shifting source of motivation

Postby ViniStonemoss » Wed Sep 25, 2019 9:12 pm

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