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BEAUTY (and uglyness) for the Vulnerable Narcissist

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BEAUTY (and uglyness) for the Vulnerable Narcissist

Postby nicoonic » Tue Aug 20, 2019 10:43 pm

Here's my problem, and I'd appreciate any suggestions on this:

I don't think I have NPD. I used to go to therapy and my therapist told me I was a narcissist. It was a couple of years ago and I never got to ask more about what he meant because I abandoned therapy sessions. I do think I have narcissistic traits though, especially of the VULNERABLE/COVERT kind.

My main problem is my looks. I am not an attractive guy, quite the opposite actually. I have a few scars due to acne on the left side of my face, a slight lateral deviation of the jaw and assymetry in the jaw (I mean besides the lateral deviation, it's like my chin is not really symmetric). I also have a bad posture. But really my ears are the problem ("cup" or "lop" ears).

When I was younger I wasn't too concerned about my looks, or maybe I was but I managed not to dwell on the matter that much. But as I grew up, all my friends started dating and guess who didn't.

At some point in my life I started doubting whether any girl could possibly be attracted to me.

I also tend to feel inadequate and stupid, although I always got good grades in high school and at university.

When I'm with friends I always feel like they're putting up with me and wish I wasn't there. I'm convinced there's a couple of "friends" that just don't like me, but the more I think about it the less able I am to tell objectively if that's the case (because it may just be my imagination or self-loathing).

I think I could deal with all this, but what really bothers me is that whenever I go out, I look at every man in the street with envy. I envy their good looks, but above all their "being normal". It's like they have it easy--- they will get the girl, have a family and be happy.

I don't have the guts to talk to a girl for fear of rejection. But it's more than that. I feel like if I ever invite a girl on a date she will politely say no but also she will be surprised at me asking her out. It would be like a man with no legs that wants to run a marathon not knowing that he's disabled and can't do it. ("Boy! You'd think he knew he has no legs by now!") I look myself at the mirror and can't really tell whether someone could possibly find me attractive or not. And I know looks aren't everything, but the uncertainty is killing me.

I don't know if there's any piece of advice you could give me, but anyways, it's good to have a place to say what I need to say.
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Re: BEAUTY (and uglyness) for the Vulnerable Narcissist

Postby xdude » Wed Aug 21, 2019 12:11 pm

Hey nicoonic,

I am not such a pretty picture myself, but understand the struggle with if only I looked better, life would be easier (maybe, or maybe not). Like you suggested, I've tried to compensate by being narcissistic at times, over-the-top confidence, a good show, but yea, kind of pointless too.

I have no advice to give, people do tend to judge a book by its cover, but perhaps you will always need your narcissistic side. Nothing inherently wrong with that either.
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Re: BEAUTY (and uglyness) for the Vulnerable Narcissist

Postby ZeroZ » Wed Aug 21, 2019 12:34 pm

I understand where you are coming from but I can tell you from watching a few friends I have had over the years who are absolutely nothing to look at, at all! They have the gift of gab and if you know how to talk to women they will desire you. Being attractive helps, sure, but unless you are movie star good looking it’s not enough in and of itself. My advice to you is to try talking to women more, I don’t mean just walk up to them and ask them out, just start a conversation with them.
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Re: BEAUTY (and uglyness) for the Vulnerable Narcissist

Postby xdude » Wed Aug 21, 2019 12:37 pm

ZeroZ wrote:I understand where you are coming from but I can tell you from watching a few friends I have had over the years who are absolutely nothing to look at, at all! They have the gift of gab and if you can talk to women they will desire you. Being attractive helps, sure, but unless you are movie star good looking it’s not enough in and of itself. My advice to you is to try talking to women more, I don’t mean just walk up to them and ask them out, just start a conversation with them.


Agree with this. It's not a lot of effort to start saying 'hi' to women, just do it, practice it. You'll be surprised at how many women will say hi back, and you've already started the connection. Most women don't feel good about their looks either. Many are more self-conscious than you are. A 'hi' can go a long way toward breaking the ice.
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Re: BEAUTY (and uglyness) for the Vulnerable Narcissist

Postby xdude » Wed Aug 21, 2019 12:39 pm

ZeroZ wrote:They have the gift of gab


I don't have this gift, but so true.
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Re: BEAUTY (and uglyness) for the Vulnerable Narcissist

Postby nicoonic » Wed Aug 21, 2019 1:06 pm

Thanks everyone for your answers. I do see what you mean. Feeling ugly (and insecure as a result) has made me isolate a bit from people, especially women. It has done more than that, actually. It has made me always approach girls as if they were my sisters, because other kind of relationship seemed impossible.

I will take a leap of faith and try your advice. Thanks a lot for replying.
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Re: BEAUTY (and uglyness) for the Vulnerable Narcissist

Postby AProphet » Wed Aug 21, 2019 2:40 pm

You sound like a textbook vulnerable (I like the term inverted) narcissist to me. My advice is to stop abusing yourself. Think of yourself only with compassion and self acceptance. You are good enough and fine the way you are. You deserve to be loved. Just be yourself and trust the universe.

The science does say that looks are realy realy important (investigate "blackpill" on incelopedia). But that only means that women are assholes. So know that if you are rejected, its not your fault. You didnt choose how you look. Go for it anyway.
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Re: BEAUTY (and uglyness) for the Vulnerable Narcissist

Postby nicoonic » Wed Aug 21, 2019 3:51 pm

AProphet, thanks a lot for your answer too. It is eye-opening to hear that I sound like a textbook vulnerable narcissist. I'm really looking for answers.
Thanks a lot for your advice. I will do my best to treat myself with compassion and self acceptance.
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Re: BEAUTY (and uglyness) for the Vulnerable Narcissist

Postby AProphet » Wed Aug 21, 2019 5:57 pm

nicoonic wrote:AProphet, thanks a lot for your answer too. It is eye-opening to hear that I sound like a textbook vulnerable narcissist. I'm really looking for answers.
Thanks a lot for your advice. I will do my best to treat myself with compassion and self acceptance.


I also had this same mental illness. Let me explain what im basing it on. There was this girl that posted on the forum. narcissistic-personality/topic212818.html Check to see if you see any similarities between you two. Its striking, especialy the thoughts of overwhelming worthlessness and pathological envy. But dont take my word for it, you need a proffesional diagnosis.

Make sure you are nice and patient and listen to every girl, ask what she is feeling. (EVERY with NO EXCEPTIONS) Some girl is bound to fall in love with you sooner or later. They all fall in love with you when you have this. Thats when youll meet someone.
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Re: BEAUTY (and uglyness) for the Vulnerable Narcissist

Postby xdude » Wed Aug 21, 2019 7:02 pm

Someone else from the AsPD forum chimed in on some other thread, and I think his advice is sound.

The reason he meets women is he is willing to try, maybe 20 failures, but once in a while it works out. It's that willingness to try, even if you may fail that makes the difference.

Hey none of us likes rejection and again I am nothing to look at it, but he is/was right, if you try and say 'hi', you may be surprised at what happens.

Women are also motivated by looks, but it's not the only factor. If you need a degree of NPD to get you through it, then so be it. Say 'hi' to the next woman you pass. In a way it's that simple.
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