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cNPD and selective reclusivness, work etc.

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cNPD and selective reclusivness, work etc.

Postby Ubinix800 » Sun Aug 11, 2019 12:33 pm

Wondering if others on this board have this problem. I had read some past posts on cNPD, and also some posts from partners of people with cNPD on another forum, and it seems like this is a common thing with people with cNPD. They say they can go through "phases" of spending ages at home without any real social interaction, or their partner will go "weeks without leaving his apartment" (which is probably another reason why I have a hard time staying interested in someone).

I used to chalk this up to introversion, but if you define introversion it doesn't make full-sense in my case as I'm slightly ambiverted (although I do have problems switching from being home a lot, to going out again)... it's actually probably due to self-absorption.

Like, someone with this is so involved with their own interests, and also might have a bit of social anxiety, internet addiction etc. that become completely absorbed in what they are doing whilst also neglecting the lives of the people around them, as if it would be to much effort to bother with that so they just remain locked in what they want to do.

If anyone here with this relates, either with yourself or someone you know/have known I would be interested in hearing it.

Another thing, what do you with cNPD do for work? Is it something that's self-focused so you don't have to deal with the public, and do you feel that the absorption thing makes it more difficult to get there everyday, and do you have that "shallow vocational commitment" (you don't really try very hard) when your there?

Thanks all.
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Re: cNPD and selective reclusivness, work etc.

Postby ZeroZ » Sun Aug 11, 2019 2:36 pm

I can identify with a lot of that particularly going through phases, when I’m in a good head space I tend to fill up my day with my interests, things I want to work on, it’s to keep myself busy and have something to think about and focus on or I tend to just get absorbed online or playing games or whatever have you. An Ex, said to me that there is no room in my life for anyone but me, and to a degree this is true, I tend to keep myself so preoccupied with my interest that I don’t have time to do the things other people want me to do with them.

I deal with customers at work, I’ve had opportunities come my way which included speaking in front of people in a meeting type of setting, it’s so far out of my comfort zone I avoided the promotion, I can speak publicly when it’s my own terms and I know what I want to say but to have pressure put on the situation turned me off to the idea.
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Re: cNPD and selective reclusivness, work etc.

Postby creepydork » Sun Aug 11, 2019 2:41 pm

I can go weeks without going outside and socializing with anyone because that's just my personality but sometimes I will turn reclusive because of blows to my ego. I have some compensatory narcissistic traits so when I feel like I have been constantly slighted and criticized I turn extremely defensive and paranoid so because of that I am sort of forced to isolate myself. The latter kind is fueled by my social anxiety and lack of social skills. I don't work yet but I am studying for a bachelor's in english. I would prefer to work from home since I would have more peace of mind socially.
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Re: cNPD and selective reclusivness, work etc.

Postby xdude » Sun Aug 11, 2019 5:24 pm

I can relate, though being aware of my cNPD (inherited or trained) traits for many years, I still go into reclusive mode quite often. I do think you are on to something. When I am in that mode, it's quite literally painful to have to interact with others, except maybe online, but that's selective, and I can log off when I've had enough.

It raises a thought for me, a question about something I read, where the author wrote that cNPD types may give a LOT (could be work, could be a relationship, hobby, etc), until they burn out and then shut-down, at least for a while. Thoughts of... I've given as much as I can, and even get pissed off that others just want more, that's the only reason you like me, what I can do for you. The darker thoughts.
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Re: cNPD and selective reclusivness, work etc.

Postby Cassandre » Sun Aug 11, 2019 9:18 pm

To answer the general topic, my mother tries very hard to avoid people who don't mirror her the way she wants to be mirrored, who don't support her external persona. As a consequence, she cuts almost everybody out of her life.

But there is more to this:

xdude wrote:It raises a thought for me, a question about something I read, where the author wrote that cNPD types may give a LOT (could be work, could be a relationship, hobby, etc), until they burn out and then shut-down, at least for a while. Thoughts of... I've given as much as I can, and even get pissed off that others just want more, that's the only reason you like me, what I can do for you. The darker thoughts.


I read recently in an article that the anxious-preoccupied type can mistake boundaries for signs of rejection while the dismissive types can erect walls and confused them for boundaries, thus mistaking desire for intimacy for invasion.

Seabreezeblue used to say that she "unpicked" her way to becoming a healthier individual. I believe in both cases, dismissive and anxious-preoccupied, there is a confusion around boundaries, and it is a matter of unpicking and ultimately discriminating between who is trying to take advantage of us and who is simply attempting to get closer.

Those are cases where feelings aren't necessarily the best indicator of what is happening.
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Re: cNPD and selective reclusivness, work etc.

Postby xdude » Sun Aug 11, 2019 9:41 pm

Cassandre wrote:Seabreezeblue used to say that she "unpicked" her way to becoming a healthier individual. I believe in both cases, dismissive and anxious-preoccupied, there is a confusion around boundaries, and it is a matter of unpicking and ultimately discriminating between who is trying to take advantage of us and who is simply attempting to get closer.

Those are cases where feelings aren't necessarily the best indicator of what is happening.


The blurry lines are strong for us who grew up in cluster b families. Figuring it out is a mess, and I've made the same mistake as your mom, and I really can't judge her. I've also cut off people over almost nothing to protect myself. The be quite honest, being a cluster B personality sucks. I can see it from the other side too, but it's very hard if it's someone close. For someone not close, I can be more objective.
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Re: cNPD and selective reclusivness, work etc.

Postby Cassandre » Sun Aug 11, 2019 10:26 pm

xdude wrote:I've also cut off people over almost nothing to protect myself.


Do we benefit in some ways from our isolation? That's the real question.

If isolation is a safe space that shields our progress, then it was well worth it.
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Re: cNPD and selective reclusivness, work etc.

Postby xdude » Mon Aug 12, 2019 1:35 am

I think or guess the best thing I can is say I've done enough for today, I cannot be someone with a permanent healthy self-esteem, mine was ripped apart, I can only try to piece together again. I can only work on it for a while, and then need a break. Reclusion time.

p.s. isolation is a break from what others demand I become, so welcome.
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Re: cNPD and selective reclusivness, work etc.

Postby Cassandre » Mon Aug 12, 2019 3:16 am

xdude wrote:p.s. isolation is a break from what others demand I become, so welcome.


Absolutely, isolation is a radical solution to eradicating any forms of demands from others as well as the relationships that go with them.

That's why I leave my mother alone 100 percent of the time, I respect her logic and do not interfere in any way.
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Re: cNPD and selective reclusivness, work etc.

Postby xdude » Mon Aug 12, 2019 1:37 pm

I rather think the OP essentially pointed out the irony...

The stereotype is that people with cNPD *always* want validation, affirmation, whatever word works. Ironically if they go into reclusive mode, they may get criticized too, for not being more available, not being more ... of the wanted ideal.

I doubt others are trying to be harmful, but we write about this in the SOF&F forum repeatedly. He/She was some ideal, then couldn't be anymore, what is wrong with them? They seemed so perfect, then no.

Of course they were never that ideal to begin with, just acting out a role that they had to do to be valued, and yes, then they shut-down too. Think we all know why the later happens.
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