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People with narcissistic personality disorder, what were you

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People with narcissistic personality disorder, what were you

Postby Cassandre » Mon Jul 22, 2019 2:27 am

I came across this article on Quora: https://www.quora.com/People-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder-what-were-your-childhoods-like

I am curious if Cluster B fella around here are able to relate to the types of experience described in this article?
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Re: People with narcissistic personality disorder, what were you

Postby xdude » Mon Jul 22, 2019 11:52 am

I can write that reading that was triggering. Very hard to finish reading that story.

A parent who crosses boundaries, uses their kid as an adult sounding board, shares or forces their own adult creepy stuff on a kid that has no intellectual or emotional protection, well yea, the kid has to do something to cope.

I'll just add that I believe people with some cluster B personalities may know they've crossed a line, but the shame, guilt, remorse, whichever of those, to face it is just too hard, so ... deny, pretend it didn't happen, rewrite history, whatever it takes to carry on.

I do feel sorry for her as well, she had no clue what she was getting into, but you can't fix a crashed car with a coat of paint, or a 'just fix yourself' suggestion.
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Re: People with narcissistic personality disorder, what were you

Postby Akuma » Mon Jul 22, 2019 2:31 pm

xdude wrote:I can write that reading that was triggering. Very hard to finish reading that story.


If it makes you feel better I'm pretty sure at least parts of it are made up.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: People with narcissistic personality disorder, what were you

Postby Cassandre » Mon Jul 22, 2019 8:08 pm

I'm confused ... is my link broken for you guys?

Not sure if I can quote a Quora article but this is what the link is supposed to lead to:

5 Types of Narcissistic Childhoods

My clients with Narcissistic Personality Disorders tend to report five different types of childhood situations.

I will list them in approximate order from highest functioning and least abusive to lowest functioning and most destructive.

Type 1—The Narcissistic Family

In this family everyone was expected to be a high achiever. The children were rewarded with praise, attention, and generous gifts whenever they did things that the Narcissistic parents felt reflected well on the family. The children were not unconditionally loved and the parents were basically uninterested in them except for their potential to enhance the family’s image and status in the world. The children were trained to be high achieving Narcissists and taught a Narcissistic value system.

In their world: Achievement = Love

If you were one of the “Golden Children” who got great grades, were handsome or beautiful, starred in the school play, or were great athletes; you were treated well. If you did not measure up to the parents’ standards, you were either ignored or shamed. “Why are you so dumb? All your sisters made the honor society. What’s wrong with you?” “I was much more athletic than you at your age.”

Family Motto: If you can’t be the best, you aren’t trying hard enough.

Type 2—One of the Parents Was a Dominant Exhibitionist Narcissist

Everything in this family was designed to please and pacify the dominant Exhibitionist Narcissist. He or she made all the rules and the less dominant spouse (often a Covert or Closet Narcissist) went along with whatever the dominant one wanted—sometimes simply to avoid a fight or out of fear.

The children, like the less dominant spouse, generally try to please the dominant parent and get the parent’s approval. I think of that parent as the “Alpha Parent.” If this were a dog pack, everything would be simpler. After the initial dominance challenges, everyone would fall into their appropriate pack position.

Some of the downsides to being raised in this family:

You get devalued and punished if you challenge the “Alpha parent” in any way. You always have to be subserviant.
You are trained to admire and give the parent attention and basically only get praised for making the parent feel good.
You are never allowed to surpass your parent. That is considered to be a dominance challenge and will lead to a dominance fight, not praise for you.
All children go through a normal phase of wanting to exhibit themselves and get praise for their growing accomplishments. In its simplest form, the child does something and says, “Look at me!” This is stifled in this type of family, which prevents children from getting their normal stage appropriate developmental needs met. This tends to negatively affect their self-esteem, makes the exhibitionism go underground, and it is likely to pop up later in less appropriate ways.

Type 3—Covert or Closet Narcissist Parents

This can play out in different ways, depending on the parents’ motives and personalities.

Child Worshippers: These parents feel too vulnerable and insecure to call attention to themselves directly. Instead the idealize one or sometimes all of their children. They brag about their children’s achievements, show you pictures, and in general use their children’s achievements to feel special by association.

Their children are pushed to excel in every activity that the parents wished they had been better at during their childhood. As with most Narcissists, they blur the boundary between self and other. They are less interested in who the children actually are, than what they want them to be.

If you are one of the children who excel, you are likely to get worshipped and catered to. If you do not, the best you can expect is to be ignored.

“Missionaries:” This is my name for a subgroup of Covert Narcissists who are pro-social and who devote their lives to serving a religion or social movement. They raise their children to supress any overt expressions of egotism and channel all their energy into being perfect servants of “The Cause.” Your status in the group depends on how well you serve and how much you are willing to give up. Martyrdom is the ultimate status symbol.

Type 4—Malignant Narcissist Parents

These parents enjoy dominating and depriving their children. Their self-esteem goes up as their childrens’ go down. Punishments do not fit the crime. Physical punishments and verbal devaluation is the norm. The children usually either identify with the aggressor and become mean Narcissists or they give up and become failed Narcissists who hate everyone. As adults, they tend to see the world starkly in terms of victors vs. victims. Their motto is: Do onto others before they can do onto you.

Type 5—Failed Narcissists

These parents have the lowest self-esteem of all Narcissists. They cannot mobilize enough defensive grandiosity to ever feel good about themselves. Think of the prisoners who tattoo: “Born to Lose” on themselves. They resent everybody and want to see their children fail as well. Their motto is: Don’t think you are better than me, you piece of worthless garbage!

Punchline: There are many different types of Narcissistic parents and, therefore, many different types of childhoods that create adults with Narcissistic Disorders. Some childhood scenarios are definitely worse than others.

Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP


I cannot vouch for Elinor Greenberg, I don't know her at all. But a couple of family types reminded me of my own childhood, and I was curious to know if it resonates with people around here...
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Re: People with narcissistic personality disorder, what were you

Postby ZeroZ » Mon Jul 22, 2019 11:24 pm

In my case Definitely type 2 with shades of Malignant narcissism/psychopathy. I got treated special based around my athletic accomplishments. Not only try to dominate the family the the entire neighborhood, which he effectively did, although I will say my Mother was completely fearless and I never seen her back down to him.

I was probably a pre teen when I figured out I could manipulate him and weaponize him against other people I was mad at. I didn’t realize this was wrong at the time it wasn’t until it started becoming clear what I was doing to other people. It was all about survival to me at the time
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Re: People with narcissistic personality disorder, what were you

Postby Akuma » Tue Jul 23, 2019 4:23 am

Cassandre wrote:I'm confused ... is my link broken for you guys?


No I got some woman explaining in a very elaborate fashion the past of her "malignant narcissistic" ex boyfriend, then his drug abuse and then his incestuous contacts with her mother. *shrug*

In my case I dunno I was rather neglected, no father, mother working, grandmother was more schizoid and never played with me or something, grandfather was a fundamentalist christian.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: People with narcissistic personality disorder, what were you

Postby xdude » Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:45 pm

Yea, I got the same story that Akuma did.
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Re: People with narcissistic personality disorder, what were you

Postby realityhere » Tue Jul 23, 2019 8:41 pm

I got the 5 types link. Perhaps a tech glitch, something to do with which browser you're on?
We don't delete posts, so think twice before clicking "submit".
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Re: People with narcissistic personality disorder, what were you

Postby Cassandre » Wed Jul 24, 2019 6:53 pm

Definitely type 4 in my case.

ZeroZ wrote:I was probably a pre teen when I figured out I could manipulate him and weaponize him against other people I was mad at. I didn’t realize this was wrong at the time it wasn’t until it started becoming clear what I was doing to other people. It was all about survival to me at the time


That makes sense, survival is what a child is about, so whichever behaviors (be it people pleasing or the law of the strongest) you are being cornered into is going to be associated with survival. Those are fears we may have to face later on.

Akuma wrote:In my case I dunno I was rather neglected, no father, mother working, grandmother was more schizoid and never played with me or something, grandfather was a fundamentalist christian.


You mentioned your upbringing many times already. But it's only today that you framed it in a way that makes me realize the kind of emotional isolation you grew up in. If this was your norm, then it would make sense that you would carry, also online, this distance with you.

I'm curious how you occupied yourself then, were you ever bored?
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Re: People with narcissistic personality disorder, what were you

Postby Greebo » Thu Jul 25, 2019 3:14 am

I think these types are a massive oversimplification of what must be complex relationships.

With that in mind, mine would be overwhelmingly type 1. I wouldn’t go so far as to say love = achievement, as my mother once put it ‘we always love you, we just don’t necessarily always like you very much’. I’ve previously described my parents as being more into conditioning than nurturing. Other kids could rely on their parents to always be on their side, while I was always aware that whether my parents where on my side or not, was contingent on my behaviour. They also have a tendency to see any problems or failures as a kind of feeble mindedness.

I think the ‘golden child’ stuff is something which appears as seen from the outside, or maybe becomes more apparent when you have siblings. While I’m aware that my parents expressed pride in me to other people I never got much of that. High performance was expected, it was more like “Well done, now on to the next thing”. It was more of an elistist outlook than anything else.
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