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Narcisistic Personaltiy Disorder and Its Effects

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Narcisistic Personaltiy Disorder and Its Effects

Postby zabi » Mon May 20, 2019 4:44 am

Im a 25 old male. And I've diagnosed with NPD(narcissistic personality disorder). The diagnosis came almost 5 year ago when i had a major depression. And since then i've been reading, searching, talking ,thinking about it. I've gotten professional help ( both therapy and medicine) time to time, because it was not easy to remain that for me. Basically along these 5 years,
my whole life was based on my illness. I've lost so many things. I did not care anything else -or could not-. My school life , my psychical heatlh, my mental health, my relationships with friends, family and partners were affected heavily and in some cases they've got destroyed. And i just wanna get some help i any of you can. I am currently getting professional help. But i think thats not gonna be enough by itself or even if it does it will be a slow progress that i want to hear other peoples thoughts about situation.

Basically these are the sum up of the thing that led this situation according to my therapy so far:

All of my lfie, since childhood, i was told that i was special. Even in kindergarden, my teacher wanted to talk to my parents about my IQ. She told my parents that i may be a genius or something. I was the center of the attention all of the time. I was treated very different from others by my teachers, family and friends. Even my little psychical anomalies (front of my hair is twsited, and my rib cage is shaped like i am very muscular- idk what it is called in English-) made me feel like i was special. I was in a rock band in a small town so that made me somewhat more popular. And things like these small things add up and made me feel and act like i was superior than others.

My brother was very hard to grow up with. He was very dominant and independent among our family. And i got bullied one or twice total when i was like 9-10 but that was all. And these two factors (my brother and my bullies) led my insecurities.

These insecurities needed a defence. And this need of some sort of defence, created this narcissistic personality that fed by all the attention and praise i've got.

This narcissistic personality isolated me from other people. Because they were not at the same level as me. But living apart from the society, friends or family destroyed me finally. Because a monster was created in me that needed constant attention and admiration. And that monster couldnt get any when there is no one to recieve these from. I've romantical relationships that i can fed. But as you can imagine they didnt go well simply because of my attitude.

My last relationsihp ended almost a year ago. Thats were this phase started. My inner monster was very hungry and could get any of its needs. I ve experienced huge depressions. Used drugs, alcohol. Simply just lived to survive. Through all this, my inner monster evolved into a new level. A level that, a constant lack of self-confidence, a voice that always talks about my deficiencies. My looks, my relationships, other peoples bad thoughts about me, my future etc.. Anything bad about me or my life is always in my mind all the time. This is so powerful that its almost like there is another mind inside my brain. When something bad or unplanned happens (doesnt matter how big or important that is), this inner demon or voice starts to work and leads a huge downfall. Eventhough i as aware of my illness, in some cases i cant overcome it and experience a minor depression that may last one or two days or even weeks.

I know best way to cure this is getting professional help. And i am currently in a therapy. But i want to do anything that can be helpful. Like gaining self-esteem, socialising etc. But i dont know where to start or what to do. These last five years, my mental health was my only thing as i said at beginning. I've lost friends, i've lost my interests , my hobbies. I dont even know what makes me happy anymore. I dont know what i want to do with my life or what kind of relationships i want. All i want for now is, find some things that slows down this inner demons, and regain what i've lost.

I know this is a very long post. And i thank you for reading it. Any reasonable idea or advice is welcomed.
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Re: Narcisistic Personaltiy Disorder and Its Effects

Postby Snaga » Mon May 20, 2019 2:11 pm

Hello, and welcome!

You'll notice that your post has been moved to the NPD forum. Since you have a Dx and the post is pretty much about the effects of it, we thought it might do better to be seen in the forum specifically for NPD. Again, welcome to PF.
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Re: Narcisistic Personaltiy Disorder and Its Effects

Postby AProphet » Mon May 20, 2019 2:43 pm

The current phase you describe sounds like self-esteem problems, becouse of not recieving enough external affirmation, one of the hallmarks of overt narcissism. This type of NPD has a highly fluctuating sense of worth, and when its not maintained things tend to spiral down and depression and substance abuse are common. Would you say you are going threw a life crysis? You dont want to be abusive to others anymore? What are you thinking about, do you have intrusive thoughts about how you harmed other people, how you made mistakes? Do you feel like you cant meaningfully connect to others, at all?

The inner demon you speak of, another mind in your brain, does it realy feel that way? like you have no controll and dont understand why its doing those things? Like your somehow removed from your decisions? Not in charge of your life?
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Re: Narcisistic Personaltiy Disorder and Its Effects

Postby Akuma » Mon May 20, 2019 2:53 pm

zabi wrote:I know best way to cure this is getting professional help. And i am currently in a therapy. But i want to do anything that can be helpful.


What kind of therapy are you in and for how long?
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: Narcisistic Personaltiy Disorder and Its Effects

Postby zabi » Mon May 20, 2019 10:22 pm

Snaga wrote:Hello, and welcome!

You'll notice that your post has been moved to the NPD forum. Since you have a Dx and the post is pretty much about the effects of it, we thought it might do better to be seen in the forum specifically for NPD. Again, welcome to PF.


Thank you. I think i missed NPD forum. I will be more careful next time.
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Re: Narcisistic Personaltiy Disorder and Its Effects

Postby zabi » Mon May 20, 2019 10:35 pm

User465393 wrote:Would you say you are going threw a life crysis? You dont want to be abusive to others anymore? What are you thinking about, do you have intrusive thoughts about how you harmed other people, how you made mistakes? Do you feel like you cant meaningfully connect to others, at all?

Honestly , at this state I just simply want to feel better. My effects on others or my mistakes on others is my second concern. I feel like i need to do something about myself to feel better first. This is my first priority. And yes i feel and see that my connection to others are very different from others. My choice of relationship with my friends or partrners depends on how they make me feel about myself. I am aware of that.

User465393 wrote:The inner demon you speak of, another mind in your brain, does it realy feel that way? like you have no controll and dont understand why its doing those things? Like your somehow removed from your decisions? Not in charge of your life?


I know it sounds edgy or unrealistic. And unfortunately it is what it is. At some points, i simply can not control these feelings and thoughts that surrounds and destroys me for some time. Hours,days even weeks. I cant follow my plans, i simply can not live a normal day when this happens. And i describe it like a black dot in me. It is alwyas there everytime. I always think about it. But its size changes time to time so does its effects on me. EVery single action or movement i do. I simply have these thoughts about having this kind of situation. like "see, i did this because i have this problem." And i spend lots of time in my head because of this. And clearly this makes it even worse.
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Re: Narcisistic Personaltiy Disorder and Its Effects

Postby zabi » Mon May 20, 2019 10:37 pm

Akuma wrote:
zabi wrote:I know best way to cure this is getting professional help. And i am currently in a therapy. But i want to do anything that can be helpful.


What kind of therapy are you in and for how long?


I am visiting a psychologist once week. And sessions are one-on-one. I am currently off from antidepressants but thinking about starting again if my therapist says so.
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Re: Narcisistic Personaltiy Disorder and Its Effects

Postby Akuma » Tue May 21, 2019 7:18 am

zabi wrote:
Akuma wrote:
zabi wrote:I know best way to cure this is getting professional help. And i am currently in a therapy. But i want to do anything that can be helpful.


What kind of therapy are you in and for how long?


I am visiting a psychologist once week. And sessions are one-on-one. I am currently off from antidepressants but thinking about starting again if my therapist says so.


Is it CBT, psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapy? Or something else?
Im asking because with this disorder certain approaches make no sense. They can be useful for certain stuff at certain times but it depends on what you want.
When I stopped with my drug addiction for example I was in CBT first, I found it to be mostly a waste of time, but since I live very withdrawn it had the positive effect that I learned communicating with another human better again >_> I was so stoned all the time I had become rather one-syllabled ;)
I am now in psychoanalytic therapy and eventhough its maadly slow, I think this is the only thing that might work.
From the outside view tho, studies suggest for example that some otehr things like Schema-Focused-Therapy might be useulf, too if its offered.
I'm also asking because it's curious youre on antidepressants. But I cant judge that, plus the rules forbid me to do that. But its weird to get antidepressants when you have a PD. Did the psychologist say what kind of depression you have? Or do you feel they are working?
Sorry I think Im writing rather random, I'm a bit migrainy. Just saying that I think its important to make sure what you want to work on. If you want to work on everything at the same time, this might not be the bst approach if there is something you want to get rid of asap.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: Narcisistic Personaltiy Disorder and Its Effects

Postby AProphet » Tue May 21, 2019 11:55 pm

Sry for late reply zabi.

Just be evil and abusive, no shame in that, if its what makes you feel better. I heard it should, given the nature of the disorder. It does sound edgy, an "inner demon", but I asked for that specifically, becouse it realy is that way. But for me self awareness want enough to see it. I had to develop more of my lacking capacities. But after I did, it was clear that it realy is that way. Now I subscribe to the false self hypothesis, or what Kernberg calls the "pathological grandiose self", becouse thats how I experienced the demon, or I call it an automaton. The collection of protective defense mechanism constituting the narcissistic "personality". Its not realy a personality, but to one's affected by the disorder, its invisible. Now the demon or often called "inner voice" has wishes and directives of its own right? You try to comply with its wishes? If you dont, it makes you feel bad about yourself? Ever present, do you feel like you are challenging it constantly? How does it speak. Can you give some quotes, what you were thinking exactly in different situations?
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Re: Narcisistic Personaltiy Disorder and Its Effects

Postby zabi » Wed May 22, 2019 12:57 am

Akuma wrote:

Is it CBT, psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapy? Or something else?
Im asking because with this disorder certain approaches make no sense. They can be useful for certain stuff at certain times but it depends on what you want.

It is CBT mostly. I am not sure yet how useful it is for me. In my case i cant find situations to use this therapy effectively i think. Since my triggers are so sensitive and meaningless :).
Akuma wrote:I'm also asking because it's curious youre on antidepressants. But I cant judge that, plus the rules forbid me to do that. But its weird to get antidepressants when you have a PD. Did the psychologist say what kind of depression you have? Or do you feel they are working?

I used antidepressants for my paranoia and major depression. I had major depression 5 years ago. And experiencing minor depressions when i lose myself in bad thoughs about myself. They may last hours,days even weeks. I want to prevent them so i want to consider taking antidepressants again.
Akuma wrote:Sorry I think Im writing rather random, I'm a bit migrainy. Just saying that I think its important to make sure what you want to work on. If you want to work on everything at the same time, this might not be the bst approach if there is something you want to get rid of asap.


I think most of my current problems caused by low self-esteem. But i cant start or try to do something to re-gain it simply because of me spending so much time in my head that causes a very depressive behaviour. When a single little bad thing or even a nightmare can starts the bad and paranoid thoughts about myself and puts me in a very depressive and unfunctional state. i need some appreciation and attention but i have no one around me to give them and i am doing nothing to earn any. My main goal is to get some self-esteem and socialise with people. I need to change the ways i am approching to people and see them same as me. I need to be a part of them and not seperate myself from others. But as i said i can not function effectively because of these constant thoughts that gets me so depressed.
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