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Nearing the end of my rope

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Nearing the end of my rope

Postby SelfSerf » Fri May 03, 2019 12:04 pm

Although it is noted that ending your life is the very antithesis of what a pwNPD would do, I am increasinly verging on making this decision.

When I first came to know of narcissism and came to the realization that I was the villain in my own life, it was an obliteration of everything. Because the basis of mydisorder is of the vulnerable/hypervigilant kind, it completely shattered any sense of likeableness to myself I had left.

The following years I´ve subsisted, effectively more pathological and became increasingly hostile towards the relationships I still had left and pushed further on the spectrum towards true ASPD and lost most of my humanity in the process, falling trough the. Of course, my helplessness and underlying BPD core effectively has led me to project the main reason for my being this way to those who raised me, and also suffer from Cluster C disorders, my father (cNPD) and grandmother (Histrionic I have a firm basis to believe).

I have mentioned my depressive states to people in passing but other than that don´t seek attention for it in real life and I rarely receive it anymore, i.e. true interest in how I am doing. Or perhaps I do but am incapable of actually receiving it in my solipsistic state. The only friends (and it is only in italics because I know I have no capacity for true friendship) I have are narcissistic in many ways themselves (like attracts like) and all support I have from my family is purely superficial. My sister holds a healthy distance from both my father and me because she has understood there is not.

I truly don´t feel there is any value to my life left and have less fight in me. And rationally I don´t see how there could be as deep down I know I´ve only ever truly pursued my own interests and well-being. It seems as though most connections with others have been largely cerebral (i.e. subconsciously calculating) and there´s no true joy to others that I can bring from my existence. The awareness of my disorder has only escalated my illfeeling about myself and existence as such. Deep down I abhor myself and my existence to the level of it not seeming worth it at all.

Unfortunately the ways of being I feel I can still manage in the world are verging on the self-destructive and although the perceived glory of pursuing them seems worth it to me still, I know these only ultimately me down a dead end path. All of these just seem ways of postponing the inevitable, amidst which I might further hurt the people around me in the process.

For some reason, a few years ago in a very dire and nihilistic state while staring down the top floor of a high rise, I felt the urge and in my min I decided that 27 would be the end of me. Perhaps I already knew then that I would push my life to the verge absolute meaninglessness, so as to no longer postpone my hopeless state.

I used to work for years with deprived children at a social work facility and shared many tough experiences with my coworkers there. The team we had there was the closest thing to a secondary family, yet my self-sabotaging ways of leaving that job after a failed and utterly using relationship I had with a coworker of mine left me in an overwhelmingly shameful state where I feel I can no longer interact with these people (who perhaps did truly care about me once). The fraudulency I feel in front of them is what initially led me down an ever darker path eliciting my hidden sadism to come to the forefront and throwing me further into a paranoid schizoid state. At the worst point, I truly felt like I was possessed by evil, waking up at night feeling like some alien force had taken a hold of me. (what some here called the devil driver)

When I dwell on the actualy situation for a while, it´s like there is a counteracting force in me cajoling into everyday action and I guess philosophically the fear of death is one of the driving forces of life. The thoughts of continuing on are often so deluded and divorced from reality that I quickly understand it´s just my disorder talking. Right now the things which make me feel alive involve burning life off at every end. There are things that others do (seeing them and aspiring to it) which make me still see worth in things but they are very limited.

The only reason (at least as far as I tell myself) that made me hold off from killing myself last fall was that I thought of the hurt I would cause my sister (perhaps mostly the inconvenience because I can´t truly fathom the feelings anyone else could harbor, nor can one ever successfully imagine how life would continue without them in it) and how life would go on for her, especially with having to shoulder two problematic parents, the weight of interacting with whom she would have to carry alone. I saw the end of my grandmother (father´s mom who also highly likely had NPD) and it was absolutely horrible. I can´t imagine my sister having to go through that with two mentally ill parents.

Also the kids that I came into contact with in that school, to some of whom I became a role model and perhaps some part of me came to care about. I think of the example that I would make for them with my decision.

Winters here have always been rough but this last one was verging on the unbearable and I don´t think that I would want to survive another one with the last one being increasingly isolated and verging on losing my mind in a psychosis. As I see this only escalating further, I´m slowly taking first steps of selling some of possessions just in case.
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Re: Nearing the end of my rope

Postby AProphet » Fri May 03, 2019 3:13 pm

SelfSerf wrote:When I first came to know of narcissism and came to the realization that I was the villain in my own life, it was an obliteration of everything.


Yes. The realization is like that. You are surpised. I had to destroy whats beautifull for example.

on attention:
SelfSerf wrote:I rarely receive it anymore, i.e. true interest in how I am doing. Or perhaps I do but am incapable of actually receiving it in my solipsistic state.


Means you learned to maintain your functioning without external approval, or are you desintegrating right now on purpose?


SelfSerf wrote:and there´s no true joy to others that I can bring from my existence.


You can just be evil and proud of it. There is no requirement to be good. Id prefer that a hundred fold than be an idiot that doesnt know what he is doing. Do you feel you lack agency? Self awareness didnt bring any behavioral modification? Like its stronger than you? like you dont know where the thought is coming from?


SelfSerf wrote:The fraudulency I feel in front of them.


Is that remorse? If you managed to learn remorse its extreme progress.


SelfSerf wrote:When I dwell on the actualy situation for a while, it´s like there is a counteracting force in me cajoling into everyday action and I guess philosophically the fear of death is one of the driving forces of life. The thoughts of continuing on are often so deluded and divorced from reality that I quickly understand it´s just my disorder talking.


I think so. Your on an orgy of self immolation.


SelfSerf wrote: because I can´t truly fathom the feelings anyone else could harbor, nor can one ever successfully imagine how life would continue without them in it.


Please explain. life without feelings in it? Have you been in love? And that you dont understand other peoples feelings?
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Re: Nearing the end of my rope

Postby Akuma » Fri May 03, 2019 5:00 pm

SelfSerf wrote:Although it is noted that ending your life is the very antithesis of what a pwNPD would do, I am increasinly verging on making this decision.


Might be a weird question but what do you want? What are you missing or lacking?
Also, what role do you think does the situation with your father play in these attacks of yours? Not too long ago you complained about your father. You didnt seem very self hating then, but shortly afterwards you became depressed I think?

As a sidenote:
I and all the other diagnosed NPDs here have over the years never understood "you people" with your self-hatred about the disorder. We always found its a clear indication that you dont have any form of NPD at all. Which of course rarely made the people either believe that or rejoice ;]. But its funny that you like to take a diagnosis like this, put it on like some dark cloak and then look into the mirror and say "Woah I hate you".
Its really sad you can't get appointments, I think when you are contemplating suicide, you should call someone. You could check around maybe there is a hospital close by that has a good unit for mentally ill patients. Might be a very frightening, but depending on the quality maybe even a useful step.
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Re: Nearing the end of my rope

Postby SelfSerf » Fri May 03, 2019 7:59 pm

Akuma wrote:Might be a weird question but what do you want? What are you missing or lacking?

Also, what role do you think does the situation with your father play in these attacks of yours? Not too long ago you complained about your father. You didnt seem very self hating then, but shortly afterwards you became depressed I think?

As a sidenote:
I and all the other diagnosed NPDs here have over the years never understood "you people" with your self-hatred about the disorder. We always found its a clear indication that you dont have any form of NPD at all. Which of course rarely made the people either believe that or rejoice ;]. But its funny that you like to take a diagnosis like this, put it on like some dark cloak and then look into the mirror and say "Woah I hate you".
Its really sad you can't get appointments, I think when you are contemplating suicide, you should call someone. You could check around maybe there is a hospital close by that has a good unit for mentally ill patients. Might be a very frightening, but depending on the quality maybe even a useful step.


Its not a weird question at all. Kudos to you, as you seem to really take the time answering these questions with a scientific approach. Actually I was going to write this post six months ago. Procrastination....

So here, let me see...
a sense of connection, direction, integrity, safety, self-awareness, gratitude, love?

It actually makes me think the opposite, it makes me think it´s the worst, malignant form of NPD around because I am so aware of the ´weaknesses´ (if you can call it that) of my disordered mind and it´s effect on others, it´s almost to a paralizying level where it makes for insane social anxiety. It´s that awareness coupled with the sadistic inner critic that is there to confirm to me daily that I am the worst person around. That´s where the evil part comes in.

I would suspect that this self-hatred is just me not wanting my disorder as it goes directly agains my my self-perception of myself. I grew up believing I was a good person. That was my whole deal. That was what got me through high school and the awkward teenage years when I had an immense inability to connect. My feeling that I am special because I´ve suffered. A deeply held martyr´s complex. Hell, as a teenager I was convinced that the aim of life was to become the most egoless person around. With my long locks, comparisons with Jesus I publicly abhored but welcomed internally because I saw myself as inherently good and the world bad. The suffering that was around but mainly the emotional neglect I myself had experienced was confirmation of it. My moral convictions were deeply held yet it was all a defense against a world I felt was hostile. A false sense of Good self built ontop my true Being in the world that was inherently bad. A rationally felt need o feign gratitude in a life where I had felt deeply abandoned, thus unwanted (but of course could not verbalize to myself at the time, because I had a near enough perfect life. Except for my mother dying, what really was there to complain about? Always had a roof over my head, warm food and bed).

So the self-hatred - I can´t be perfect if I am disordered - - therefore everyone else is disordered - my thinking and behavior might be deviant but everyone else is in the wrong because they don´t experience life the way I do. It´s the childish or perhaps the grandiose/malignant part of me that thinks life is like a game and every wrong can be righted. Even my fraudulent existence. That this life is not at all finite makes me shrivel with terror inside and not want to participate at all. Or it´s the inner critic implanted into me from living a parent that went through the motions and provided for my functions but not for my Being. And now having fulfilled the prophecy of always feeling not good enough, I finally understand deeply that I am indeed not good enough. I am indeed the worst.

In deep winter I had a night out where I administered a hippie flip (drugs are bad mkayy). I did it because I had taken a small dose of shrooms, intending to microdose, hoping to experience a bit of empathy. Did it because a person I confessed to that I had close to zero empathy told me once that he considers that to be the best combination of drugs and best he has felt (His reaction to my random confession was a clear cut "So, you´re a psychopath" and I wasn´t about to talk confusing sense into him to think otherwise because that is close to the gist of it.) So when a random guy I did not know, offered MDMA one evening, I of course took the extra pieces of fungus I had brought along with the crystals. Anyhow, that night after I haphazardly dr00ged myself and made an ass of myself in front of the guy, completely ignoring him for a while in the evening, I shamefully walked home and was overcome with suicidal thoughts, dissecting my life apart. Because I think I had actually felt some empathy and I had deeply hurt the guy by being grandiose and thinking I was better than him. But the reality was that I wasn´t. And it all came crashing down when I felt it all. I felt like a complete and utter failure because it all became too real for me. I began self-reflecting on the emptiness of the life that I have "built", less of having lived but constructed a life and realized that ´ve always taken it all as a game whereas others have lived through it. Because the child that I am never saw my responsibility in any of this. You create an image of yourself and play that role near enough unknowingly.

So I feel like this role I cast myself in has worn out its welcome in most places but my little self-awareness is not letting me realize this. It is long past creating awkward and anxious moments so I avoid people. The alienation from those that have been my friends for longest is the worst. Because in devaluing myself, I also become devaluing of them. Because when I´m up, everyone is up but when I´m down, we´re all down.

https://youtu.be/6AwT85GPnm8?t=2248

I kind of think this skit and the further three tracks sum it up pretty well. It´s sort of hilarious yet simultaneously also sad. After I became self-aware I was struck by how the whole album actually hits the nail on the head of how divorced a pwNPD is.

When I really let myself experience life on a feeling level, I am quickly worn down by emotion. Wearing a false self is extremely tiring. Part of the reason I quit my job was because I was deeply depressed and couldn´t keep it up any longer. It was a chore to keep up pretenses for years on end and in a way I felt relief of having escaped this conundrum, yet not being capable of keeping my job at the same place I felt like failure. And I guess I don´t like losing.

A year and a half ago I moved into a house to be flatmates with a dude I considered to be a great new friend. Had known him for a year only but am not even sure what exatly it was but I definitely had a huge admiration for the guy. Super skilled at a lot of things and we shared similar interests. Plus there was a certain vibe of disillusionment coming from him that made it feel like I´d met a kindred spirit. There was also an aspect of rationality that I admired in him and he seemed to always know what he was doing. Living together was quite fun because we were both equally twisted. Or perhaps he was twisted and like usual, I pick up on other people´s way of being. Mirroring him came somewhat easy to me though. Or at least it was fun. Little did I understand, as he once made an underhanded commented in a conversation, "oh what do I know, I´m basically a sociopath". So my naive nature kind of took to him immediately and looking back I know why. It´s weird because even now seeing him I feel like he makes me feel he is trustworthy, but in social situations the guy frightens me. Maybe it´s because when we hang out together it´s kind of like a quiet acknowledgement that we´re both on the spectrum? I think there might be something more devious at work there though.

Having a twisted mind may be fun on some level but I don´t like that I´ve burned bridges that I simply don´t have the social skills or the will to ever rebuild. So if you ask what I´m missing. It´s that even if I have never felt love as such, I can see in others and how it enriches their life. Whereas mine is devoid and it´s that I envy of it in others and I feel that I have been slighted by life somehow. It´s those moments where I feel like I am on the outside while everyone else is in and the door is forever shut to me. That form of severe sense of isolation, knowing full well it´s like I am sealed behind a glass is just too much.

As to what concerns my dad- there´s a very similar realization there. When we´ve been sharing living quarters for a longer time it´s like it becomes more and more real that neither of us have a self. It´s that superficial way of being. The fact that neither can take any true interest in the other and it becomes quite maddening to me. Depending on the part of me that is more activated in, I either feel deeply devalued (like my very existence is negated, because he is the one waiting on me to take interest in him) or kind of cease to exist. On a very visceral deep level I still feel the need to be mirrored by him and it strikes very deep. It´s like a BPD kind of angst, the way he can make me feel worthless by as much as a look (and I also realize that this is what his driven me my whole life. This need for his approval, his appreciation). When he´s playing the part of good parent I am severely angered by him trying to keep up the front, as I know it´s the only one he´s ever worn with me and it´s so honed in that I resent it. He has not had a real relationship with me that has involved his awareness of me as a person, a separate entity from him and that sometimes throws me to the split where I feel completely worthless. For an NPD parent, their child is only there, only brought into the world to glorify him, to reassure him of his existence as a parent. At least my dad hasn´t ever abused me but the neglect has been severe enough for me to become him. The duplicity of it is just insane.
“Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”
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Re: Nearing the end of my rope

Postby Akuma » Sat May 04, 2019 7:13 am

I think when one is convinced that one is a bad person because one has a certain disorder that negatively affects other people, one is giving oneself too much credit. If other people ere actually influenced by you and your "evilness" is questionable, and at least somethign you can't surely ascertain in most cases. In fact this perception - which essentially oscillates around the idea of life being like a ladder where there is up and down and winners and loosers and powerful and nonpowerful, so in essence a reality in which one is good or bad or in which one has power over the inner being of other people - completely is at odds with the idea of connection, cooperation, trust, intimacy etc.; exactly because it concerns feelings of being (all)powerful or not. So when one is using self-awareness (a term which I personally abhor for its useless shittiness) to zoom in on how bad one is, what one is really doing is zooming in on how much power one supposedly has, completely eradicating every possibility of a) getting back into the realm of ambivalence and conflict / the ability to tolerate those and b) the realm of where you in this case want to go at a certain point, namely the realm of connection. Now of course those splitting moments make it impossible to use this knowledge. I know that from experience, too, although my depressive phases are different to yours in that I devalue more, while you seem to be primarily using auto-aggression. But its the same crap I guess. So basically theres two things that I think are essential here, that is one the one hand side [very slowly] learning to aclimate oneself with both ambivalence and also how alien ones perspective is in regard to ones goals [and in regards to "normal perception") and secondly develop a strong ability for what is called "therapeutic splitting" - so the ability to, eventhough your emotional life might feel like you need a gun and a rope soon, that there is at least some part in you that knows via rational thought that this is part of an illness that you have.

I hope that makes a bit of sense, I seem to develop a migraine I'm rather dizzy.
Anyhoo - you lived with some guy for a while? Why did you move out and back in with your dad again?
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Re: Nearing the end of my rope

Postby AProphet » Sat May 04, 2019 9:59 pm

I had a sudden realization Selfserf. What is the biggest difference between when I talk about the girl and you talk about the girls? I talk about her feelings all the time. You say the facts of what happened, never once you use the word "feel" in that context. Use ctrl+f on your post, watch all the words highlighted. Its always what YOU feel. Do it and see its true.

I understand why. I too was exactly this way. Becouse other people's feelings didnt exist. NARCISSISTIC. The one who died becouse he fell in love with his own reflection. Without empathy its an impossible question. Not a thought your mind could entertain. Like for me: I knew she was in love, but only becouse I fell in love with her. Could only comprehend that in past tense, way after she first confessed. I knew she was in love before, I knew she wants to be with me (we dont want her to be with us), but I couldnt make the logical step that she might still be in love.

You hurt the girls feelings Selfserf, she expected more from you and you were just no strings attached. And If she was in love with you, you ment everything to her. She needed you desperately. She had to think about you all the time. She had to imagine it with you if you werent there. With a chest pain in the heart area. It took me about 3 months of heartbreak and narcissistic supply deficiency (way worse than a heartbreak) and to understand this. THAT SHE HAS FEELINGS. Its becouse pwNPD is brain damaged like that. Empathy never develops.

I scanned your post about the girl in my thread. This is the only time you reference other peoples feelings, albeit vaguely.
SelfSerf wrote:attempt to acknowledge the hurt that I´ve caused I will disintegrate under the weight the guilt.
. You use the word "love" exactly in the same way (entitled to love). Please you have to trust me. I understand what is wrong with you. The same thing that was wrong with me. Even you dont understand that yet. You know there is something wrong. That you do terrible things but dont want to. Dont be scared to admit it. I can help you. But most you will have to do yourself, I can only help you if you want to help yourself.
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Re: Nearing the end of my rope

Postby dazn135 » Mon May 06, 2019 4:33 pm

I think that it is important for you to understand that 6% of the population suffers form what you suffer. When you realize that a lot of others are suffering, in a a way, you develop an artificial empathy.

Why not devote your life to changing things? Psychiatry was not advanced until recently. If you do selfishly terminate your own life, that is one less person to try to fix the epidemic.

I too have suffered from severe mental breakdowns in the psychiatric ward. It is then where I realized that many other people are suffering and that it is your job to help others. If everybody just gave up, our population would decrease dramatically and the purpose of life would cease to exist.
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Re: Nearing the end of my rope

Postby SelfSerf » Mon May 06, 2019 5:25 pm

AcidProphet wrote:I understand why. I too was exactly this way. Becouse other people's feelings didnt exist. NARCISSISTIC. The one who died becouse he fell in love with his own reflection. Without empathy its an impossible question. Not a thought your mind could entertain. Like for me: I knew she was in love, but only becouse I fell in love with her. Could only comprehend that in past tense, way after she first confessed. I knew she was in love before, I knew she wants to be with me (we dont want her to be with us), but I couldnt make the logical step that she might still be in love.

You hurt the girls feelings Selfserf, she expected more from you and you were just no strings attached. And If she was in love with you, you ment everything to her. She needed you desperately. She had to think about you all the time. She had to imagine it with you if you werent there. With a chest pain in the heart area. It took me about 3 months of heartbreak and narcissistic supply deficiency (way worse than a heartbreak) and to understand this. THAT SHE HAS FEELINGS. Its becouse pwNPD is brain damaged like that. Empathy never develops.

I scanned your post about the girl in my thread. This is the only time you reference other peoples feelings, albeit vaguely.
SelfSerf wrote:attempt to acknowledge the hurt that I´ve caused I will disintegrate under the weight the guilt.
. You use the word "love" exactly in the same way (entitled to love). Please you have to trust me. I understand what is wrong with you. The same thing that was wrong with me. Even you dont understand that yet. You know there is something wrong. That you do terrible things but dont want to. Dont be scared to admit it. I can help you. But most you will have to do yourself, I can only help you if you want to help yourself.


Well, maybe it´s because my whole memory of that ordeal is tainted with the idea of how I was evil with her. I did an evil thing and I wanted to do it, i.e. like I saw no other option or way out. There could´ve been if I had either avoided that pull and desire or left her earlier with no hope for a future together. I could´ve avoided the temptation I had but my ego needed her for admiration so much, like a drought yearns for water and I knowingly and willingly hurt her.

I was already emotionally in such a self-deprecating place that I had a total lack of positive feelings then and knowing this it just felt all fake. Already being post-aya ceremony, I tried to warn her of the blackness inside me, but that was not truly for her sake but my own. To have a clear conscious. And there was already a duplicty there because I knew that me telling her would be a deterrent cause she had only saw the perfect version of me. When I think of her now, a small part of me is sad that I did this as I "know" she is hurting but I don´t FEEL it. And on some days a part of me wants to return to using her again. My inability to truly see her for who she was made me devalue her so quick. And it´s impossible for me to think that she needs me, as it doesn´t do her any good. I detest people who NEED me and see them as weak. And because she felt like an object to me, to do as I please. My mind is sick and when you have manipulated someone in a conscious manner, you realize there is not a single ounce of good in you. At this point, although I wish for nothing else, I find it hard to believe that this could ever be forgiven.
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Re: Nearing the end of my rope

Postby AProphet » Mon May 06, 2019 6:08 pm

SelfSerf wrote:Well, maybe it´s because my whole memory of that ordeal is tainted with the idea of how I was evil with her. I did an evil thing and I wanted to do it, i.e. like I saw no other option or way out. There could´ve been if I had either avoided that pull and desire or left her earlier with no hope for a future together. I could´ve avoided the temptation I had but my ego needed her for admiration so much, like a drought yearns for water and I knowingly and willingly hurt her.


I understand that thought process. What it was realy is you hating the girl, for being in love with you. Like I did to Bony. We just told ourselves different excuses. I also saw no option. Becouse it was the automaton.

SelfSerf wrote:I tried to warn her of the blackness inside me, but that was not truly for her sake but my own. To have a clear conscious. And there was already a duplicty there because I knew that me telling her would be a deterrent cause she had only saw the perfect version of me.

When I think of her now, a small part of me is sad that I did this as I "know" she is hurting but I don´t FEEL it.


No, thats not how love works. You should tell her. When she is ready to hear it. She will LOVE it. It will be her life mission to fix you. ANYTHING for you. Thats how love is. Tell her that she has to promise you something. That she will tell you when you are hurting her. Tell you right away. You NEVER want to hurt her. And that you want to fall in love with her. And if you can (I fell in love soon after I started trying dmt btw, might be a connection there) you will have her empathy. And she will love that too. That she is the ONLY person in the world you can feel for. You cant imagine how special that will make her feel. I can see this working, from what I learned.


SelfSerf wrote:And it´s impossible for me to think that she needs me, as it doesn´t do her any good. I detest people who NEED me and see them as weak.


If it was love she realy did need you no matter what. Thats not you speaking, its the twisted thinking of the false self. It wants to take away any meaningfull relationship from you. So you never grow as a person.


SelfSerf wrote:And because she felt like an object to me, to do as I please. My mind is sick and when you have manipulated someone in a conscious manner, you realize there is not a single ounce of good in you. At this point, although I wish for nothing else, I find it hard to believe that this could ever be forgiven.


Once again, nothing wrong with being evil. Without evil there would be no good. At least your not the biggest idiot like me: didnt know she is in love, broke her heart and then fell in love. But without object constancy, it all seemed reasonable so Its ok I guess. IM SO ######6 ANGRY THE WAY SHE SAW ME
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Re: Nearing the end of my rope

Postby SelfSerf » Tue May 07, 2019 1:31 pm

dazn135 wrote:I think that it is important for you to understand that 6% of the population suffers form what you suffer. When you realize that a lot of others are suffering, in a a way, you develop an artificial empathy.

Why not devote your life to changing things? Psychiatry was not advanced until recently. If you do selfishly terminate your own life, that is one less person to try to fix the epidemic.

I too have suffered from severe mental breakdowns in the psychiatric ward. It is then where I realized
that many other people are suffering and that it is your job to help others. If everybody just gave up, our population would decrease dramatically and the purpose of life would cease to exist.


I guess by ´artificial´ you mean a cognitive form of empathy?

Well, having realized that I am inherently a part of the problem, shifting myself to be a part of the solution seems now more than bit ill-conceived and conceited to me. What is the point of being a human if you inherently lack a sincere wish to contribute to anything, since the connection is the only meaningful part of doing so. Not some solipsistic understanding of doing the moral good. By doing social work for numerous years, I finally understood that. Of course after making many mistakes along the way that, hurting myself and perhaps others too, in the process.

I´ve had this notion of being a do-gooder all my life and looking back, the roles I´ve been in feels more like social games to me that I´ve played along with. I no longer wish to do that because I am too aware of it now. By doing so I would not only be deluding others, but deluding myself. Imagining yourself to be capable of fixing someone else is delusional, as I´ve learned and that was my go-to state for some time (wishing to elicit actual, provable change in the world). As such, it was a way for me to not focus on bettering myself but an attempt at grasping for meaning outside of myself. It might have provided me with purpose at the time but it was so divorced from true connection to others so as to lack a true meaning and purpose. Just acted as further proof of my inherently nihilistic outlook on the world where suffering to me seemed noble.
“Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”
Camus
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