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covert & evil

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covert & evil

Postby dustysauce » Wed Oct 17, 2018 2:20 pm

A lot of people would describe me as BPD but I'm not because the fear of abandonment isn't there neither is self harm, I only get upset when someone leaves because they lied to me, they told me something I took as the truth they ruined the power I had over them.

Come to think of it, I don't care for people at all and it's something I hate living with.
I hide it because I rely on people for multiple things, my mum for a roof over my head - she treats me well but I feel no feelings towards her. (but then again she raised me unstable screaming at me, leaving me as a baby, so do you blame me?)
I've had so many friends that come and go and I truly don't miss any of them, it's like I can choose when to turn of emotions or not, I only get upset if I haven't rinsed someone of everything they can give me.
I'm naturally manipulative, I guess I got that from my father, it sucks because I'm consciously aware of how cruel and smart I am to manipulate people and they never realise. Sometimes I feel like a psychopath because I keep up this front so well.
I can turn off emotion and have sex with anyone, I mean anyone (I don't ofc) but i could easily f&ck the most hideous person because it wouldn't affect me.
I only give to people freely but that's only because I know that their loyalty will come if i sacrifice certain things to prove my "love",

I grew up in a family full of mental illness, a grandmother/father on my mums side who never cared for me or my mother and would often leave me hungry as a child, an uncle who was a sex pest and had multiple children he didn't care for, a mood swinging mother, a father who was a womanizer and cheated on my mother, a grandfather who had not nurtured my father, and my fathers mother who also walked out on him.
I was also sexually abused as a teen and started puberty early.

My evil great grandmother called me names growing up like "winge-bucket" who calls their granddaughter that, maybe you were making her unhappy? In fact all my family called me names when I would be myself like "rat" "grease bucket" never once did my family call me beautiful, or kind or anything other than attached to negative emotions I had.
my emotions were always invalidated as I felt highly sensitive.
My grandmother also told my ex partner to "go home to where he came from" because he wasn't white, what kind of grandmother says that to her granddaughter knowing she's grown up without a loving family? that's sick and messed up.

To this day my mother blows up over nothing and blames me for everything, I'm 22 for god sakes which a lot of psychology and science knowledge behind me, she can't even see her own faults? Raising a kid takes more than food on the table, emotional abuse is a thing.

You can say I was destined to be like this coming from such a cold family and circumstances. The only difference is I see my cruelty and I hide behind a mask of pretending not to use people, does this make me more psychopathic? I don't know.

When I say I don't care for people, I literally don't, any family member could drop dead and I wouldn't shed a tear because I don't feel that emotional connection. I felt this multiple times through my life where close people died and I felt absolutely nothing but acted like I did because well I'll be made out to be the evil one.

it doesn't mean I want something bad to happen or to cause harm I'm just numb.

I don't care for others conversations either, and acting like I do is probably the biggest struggle I have, like why would I care for your issues when I have my own? it just disinterests me to the point I rarely ask how someone is.

It doesn't help that my family are a bunch of losers who never bettered their lives, stayed in the same place, never became educated, rich, never moved far never travelled never even go to London because that's too edgy for them never even gave patience, love and kindness to their children neither.

What's my biggest coverup? it's the way I look, would you expect a 5"2 blonde white university educated/artist/singer to be this psychopathic? no you wouldn't, you might call her bipolar but never assume she has an internal disconnect from humans.

Is this what it's like for everyone else?
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Re: covert & evil

Postby Akuma » Sun Oct 21, 2018 5:40 am

I mostly dont care about people, but I don't get problems with my conscience over it. A few peopel hve come here over the years who in fact "complained" about not being able to empathize or whatever but then made a big fuss over it, which for me is always a tell. Then again its not about putting them in their place as being not as pathological as they think of course, but about seeing that such ambivalences might be openings for change. More so at least than with the common schizoid who cares for nobody including himself and realizes his wish to connect maybe once in his life, all the while rationalizing his illness as a normal personality type. So it makes it harder, but it also gives you a chance to grow imo.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: covert & evil

Postby SelfSerf » Mon Feb 11, 2019 6:42 pm

Akuma wrote:the common schizoid who cares for nobody including himself and realizes his wish to connect maybe once in his life, all the while rationalizing his illness as a normal personality type.

Damn. Didn't miss the nail too far by saying this.

I've become increasingly more reclusive lately as I feel like there's nothing to hold me over in a conversation. Just having close to nothing to be truly proud about. Ugh. I need to go back to seeing a therapist/psychiatrist.

Saying that. This is one lovely train of thought by Sam Harris.
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Re: covert & evil

Postby wynellis » Tue Feb 12, 2019 12:45 am

i feel u, OP. my family life was a bit different, still #######5 just not in the same ways, and our personalities seem p much the same, which has had me wondering lately as well.

i'm not diagnosed with anything, but we've probably got the same stuff going on with our brains!
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Re: covert & evil

Postby Akyest » Sat Feb 16, 2019 11:30 pm

I've said this a lot in my other posts but I really want to make a point of it.

You put on a mask. The hypersensitivity you feel, which is charged up emotions other people cannot process. But, you can feel all those emotional charges. The mask is your instincts playing a part in the emotional connection process. Which makes it very painful and hard to be around people. Often the feelings of disgust are heightened.
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