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Self destructive behavior: climb to the top again

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Self destructive behavior: climb to the top again

Postby Nul » Tue Sep 11, 2018 12:19 am

I used to dwell in these forums years ago, mainly in the SPD forum. I mostly have "features" of schizoid and narcissistic personality and I'm probably dysthymic.

In real life I learnt to easily blend with society, have a normal job and superficial relationships with people. Even though everything is going well for me, sometimes I feel the need to "reset" things and I learnt that this is called self destructive behavior.

When I finally establish connections, make new "friendships" , when I get promoted in my job or whenever I've achieved a very good point in something, I feel like the impulse to reset it. I feel like suddenly cutting connections, quitting the job or reset my position, as if I felt the need to always be in the "climb to the top" mode.

Does anyone feel like this? Do you know what may be potential reasons for this urge to reset once you reach the top (or if not the top, a reasonably good level)? Is it just boredom and lack of challenge after reaching a goal?
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Re: Self destructive behavior: climb to the top again

Postby Absinthe » Tue Sep 11, 2018 3:05 am

I’ve started anew many times, each time having it’s own unique context. I’m not sure what the true driving force is. It feels like I’m bored and restless, surrounded by people who aren’t living up to my expectations. Looking back I wonder if my self-induced upheavals were a way of avoiding facing disappointment in myself.
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Re: Self destructive behavior: climb to the top again

Postby Akuma » Tue Sep 11, 2018 7:02 am

Well certain personalities know only ladders. Basically the ladder represents both control and power but also an absence of an ability to form cooperative groups - the whole idea of the ladder is based not on trust and cooperation but on trying to dominate, which can make it empty, meaningless, hostile and prone to rising feelings of claustrophobia and paranoia.
Because in a way the ladder is also a box and the higher you go the more narrow the $#%^ becomes. It makes sense that one jumps off at a certain point and if you know only ladders then of course the next thing will be another ladder.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: Self destructive behavior: climb to the top again

Postby Autumn218 » Tue Sep 11, 2018 9:10 am

^i love@akuma's description.
the way i understand it and i don't know if is similar.it's some kind of fear of intimacy where only when you achieve /gain/win something yours then the fear of losing it comes (because then only when you do have it there is the possibility of loosing it ) and you have to leave it before you can lost it.
or it feels like the better people know you ,then you feel some kind of engulfment because you have to be an ideal and not free ,so you prefer to leave instead of loosing the ideal ,because you have the control then instead of them.
but this fear of never loosing this control gets self destructive because you can push everyone away.
like for example in order to never get abandoned you prefer to be alone.or in order to never loose control you prefer to be alone.in order to never look imperfect you prefer to sacrifice intimacy.
Because what better way to never loose control than never dare to do anything that might make you loose it..
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Re: Self destructive behavior: climb to the top again

Postby Nul » Tue Sep 11, 2018 6:27 pm

Autumn218 wrote:^i love@akuma's description.
the way i understand it and i don't know if is similar.it's some kind of fear of intimacy where only when you achieve /gain/win something yours then the fear of losing it comes (because then only when you do have it there is the possibility of loosing it ) and you have to leave it before you can lost it.
or it feels like the better people know you ,then you feel some kind of engulfment because you have to be an ideal and not free ,so you prefer to leave instead of loosing the ideal ,because you have the control then instead of them.
but this fear of never loosing this control gets self destructive because you can push everyone away.
like for example in order to never get abandoned you prefer to be alone.or in order to never loose control you prefer to be alone.in order to never look imperfect you prefer to sacrifice intimacy.
Because what better way to never loose control than never dare to do anything that might make you loose it..

I do relate to most of what you said.

I realized that I get the impulse to cut off connections when I no longer need them. For example, I work as a researcher and when I started the job I was a newbie; I built relationships with colleagues and technicians in order to survive and in turn they got to like me. Now that I reached the higher ranks and technically I am above them, I don't really need to entertain anymore this kind of relationships. Even if I suddenly "discarded" them, my spot is secured.

It's the same even in my current group with who I hang out. I was new in town, entered a group, got a reputation and my spot in it and from time to time I fantasize about quitting it for no apparent reason, thinking "ah well, don't really need it anyways".

Once I get in a position of power (relative to the situation), I stop caring about the contour. If I were a god, I would probably lay waste without second thought, for no real reason, just out of boredom, because there would be no annoying consequences. I feel that once I'm "safe", I'm "omnipotent" and I can do whatever I please. It's like I loathed maintaining, like I hated keeping it constant and repetitive. Once I reach the top of a ladder and it becomes flat, I get into this train of thought.

Now, I'm not so asshole or irrational to actually do that, as it would still cause some minor annoyance (and I'm a very chill and peaceful individual), but I still think about it.

Does any of you relate to this? Is it one of NPD features or does it belong to another personality spectrum?
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Re: Self destructive behavior: climb to the top again

Postby Autumn218 » Tue Sep 11, 2018 8:02 pm

i am not sure i understood the above and what you mean but it does sound narcissistic.
i feel it can trigger fear of abandonment or anger in about anyone. using people like they are objects ,wanting them only if they are useful?
i read another user once said something like :he treats people like his toys puts him to self and remembers them whenever he wants to play.like people are objects that are going to wait for him.

i think there is a difference between saying "i am afraid of intimacy this is why i act self destructive" and "i see people as objects and i am bored with them and disregard them when they don't please me or can't use them"
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Re: Self destructive behavior: climb to the top again

Postby NevaCroix » Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:07 pm

When I finally establish connections, make new "friendships" , when I get promoted in my job or whenever I've achieved a very good point in something, I feel like the impulse to reset it. I feel like suddenly cutting connections, quitting the job or reset my position, as if I felt the need to always be in the "climb to the top" mode.

Yes. I feel the need to end things very often; especially in friendships, which is the result of not accepting some traits of the character of friends - maybe I try to find some logical reasons, and for me - there are many reasons.
I am never really satisfied with them and they dissapoint me often according to their behaviour. I felt not connected to them, bored by their dull persona and angry.
Sometimes I was thinking why they are such unreflected, trivial idiots with no substance..
Because of boredom and trying to fit in society (by having friends) I had at least 10 years friendships with 4 people and more than 4 groups of friends.
The strange thing which confuses me is that I liked them when I was younger (15 - 16) - then at 26, I was so annoyed and angry that I started verbal fights and ended the friendships.
In the last 4 years I've ended approximately 13 friendships.

It was a kind of a impuls - but like I said.. I knew it deep inside, because they weren't on my intellectual and individual level.

In the job I don't feel the need to end, it is just in relationships with other people.
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Re: Self destructive behavior: climb to the top again

Postby Nul » Thu Sep 13, 2018 5:01 pm

@Autumn218
I was thinking that maybe seeing people as objects or toys may be a defense mechanism. I once crushed on a girl pretty hard and it felt very awkward and irrational. I tried to rationalize everything to "fix" my brain and started seeing things more... as they were? It was still hard snapping out of it.

In a way, seeing everyone or everything as objects and being sentimentally unreachable puts you in a position of invulnerability. Eventually you may start not only seeing them as objects but also treat them like objects.

But isn't such a train of thought just... natural? Why obsess and care so much for people when we are all going to disappear anyways? Why mourn the dead when one can simply not care to begin with? Why feel hurt internally for unrequited love or feel betrayed when you trust the wrong people? I did not experience most of these things personally, but I've seen people around me getting hurt. No, actually, I saw them setting themselves up for failure. That is illogical. In a way I learnt from others and tried to "rise above" and it worked.

My life is about me and myself. I'm the protagonist of my life and all I do is for myself, but I also realize that everyone is the protagonist of their own life, so I just keep to myself and do my thing trying to interfere the least possible with others.

But ye, sometimes I feel like I can do whatever, like I can be an ass without consequences or put an end to a situation to start something new, on a whim, out of boredom.

@NevaCroix
I actually disliked most people in my town, especially the ones I grew up with in school. All closeminded dickheads and they all ended up in the streets indeed. I started making "friends" with guys at university, probably because they had a different education (and there was a reason they pursued university studies). The more I grew, the more stable "friendships" I made. Now that I work in this research center, everything is fine and I shouldn't really be thinking to be an ass to these people. I wouldn't mind being an ass to those shitheads from my hometown, but now I'm far from home and in a different and better environment.

But this impulse to quit or reset is in everything I do. I like DIY and playing in the workshop. I find an item I want to make, I practice until I can fabricate it very well and then it just stops being interesting and I take it apart. If I feel like reassembling it, I will focus on the hardest step and, once it's done, I won't bother crafting the rest.

I was the same in school: when I was doing math homeworks I was so engaged into it that I would burn through all exercises. Then when it came to the n'th exercise, I would just limit myself to find the procedure/formula and then I wouldn't even bother to fill in the numbers and complete it. The hardest part was done, that already proved I knew how to do it, no need to finish it off. I was content with that.

Same for videogames: I will play them until I power up so much that I'm beyond overpowered and then I lose interest and not even finish it because I know it'd be easy and a "given".
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Re: Self destructive behavior: climb to the top again

Postby Autumn218 » Thu Sep 13, 2018 5:34 pm

First in jobs or generally i feel like a prisoner this is why i want to leave.especially in jobs ,it is your job to act and to please others and is very triggering.
if i be myself they will leave me so i have to leave them first.
I don't know what myself is btw.just that weird feeling of being a prisoner is always there. I do stay though because the alternative is a worse fear. That wins.

About relationships.
I think it seems more narcissistis /lacking empathy or maybe awareness? when you say others are idiots and objects and i am bored with them.
Than when you say i am afraid and because of fear i can't connect with people.i am afraid that they will leave me or judge me or whatever.or getting hurt. Or narcissistic :they won't admire me?
Because indeed with having an emotional connection you risk getting hurt.
I realize that avoiding everything in order to not get hurt is crazy but sometimes is like a phobia that you know intelectually is crazy but you react anyway.
The other difference between me and narcissism probably is that i want an emotional connection, i don't feel happy without it ,even if i avoid it.but a lot of narcissists don't miss it at all. They feel fine without it.

-- Thu Sep 13, 2018 7:38 pm --

To add i don't find easy people i enjoy because i often don't like the most mainstream things and i don't match.i do match superficially but not really.

-- Thu Sep 13, 2018 7:40 pm --

Maybe though if i found a job i was passionate about i wouldn't want to leave
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Re: Self destructive behavior: climb to the top again

Postby NevaCroix » Fri Sep 14, 2018 1:23 pm

@Nul: I think, that you are quite ambitious in your doings - you show willpower and take every obstacle which is important to ovwrcome. Once you got it, you lose interest.
After reading a lot of articles and personal experiences from others, I think that narcissists/narcisstic people lose the interest in anything which is not interesting/challenging anymore.
In my teenage years I liked to solve quarrels from friends because of improving myself and my competences.

Maybe you are able to control the impuls - and wait for what is happening then? I am not sure if it's really a problems to lose interest in something if you achieved your target.
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