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Does my narcissistic mother love me?

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Does my narcissistic mother love me?

Postby TribeOhana » Mon Sep 10, 2018 11:17 am

My twin sister and I have started to discuss our childhood for the first time since she came back into my life after distancing herself for three years from our toxic family. We have realized that the abuse we endured was by the hands of a covert narcissistic mother, and an enabling and distant father.

Our mother has started to put me down again since she's becoming jealous of the success I've had in my life, since graduating recently. This recent flare-up of tear-downs, manipulation, gaslighting and overall confusing behavior has put me through a loop, remembering the childhood abuse and neglect that we went through. I'm so angry and confused.

Does my mother love me? How can she behave like this, turn her children against each other, neglect and dominate us, and still love us?
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Re: Does my narcissistic mother love me?

Postby Philonoe » Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:47 pm

TribeOhana wrote:Does my mother love me? How can she behave like this, turn her children against each other, neglect and dominate us, and still love us?

It's so difficult question for me too.

Just asking it to myself makes it painful.

I try not to think about it until some small comment reopens the wound.
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Re: Does my narcissistic mother love me?

Postby TribeOhana » Mon Sep 10, 2018 4:14 pm

Philonoe wrote:



I try not to think about it until some small comment reopens the wound.[/quote]

Do you still love your mother? How do you deal with having contact with her?
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Re: Does my narcissistic mother love me?

Postby Philonoe » Mon Sep 10, 2018 6:35 pm

TribeOhana,

Each mother is different...

In my case i decided to have some contact with her.

Sometimes it's ok, sometimes it's difficult. It's about her, and about the Philonoe who has always to protect herself. I have sort of developped corresponding personnality. Seeing her wakes up that personnality.

I don't see her because i love her. It's a decision. I try to keep them at a distance though.

It can sound weird but in my case, keeping contact allows better distance then cutting contact.

Do i love her? I think i have strong attachment.
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Re: Does my narcissistic mother love me?

Postby Philonoe » Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:25 pm

Back to the title :

There is something very deep in it.

Some day i decided to stop asking myself why she acts that way or this way. Because it took much energy and made me suffer.

I think the danger is to produce love. Or fantasize about love. I mean : imagine love.
It can be lead to translate agression into unsaid love.
I mean : to accept that someone has agressive attitude with oneself, instead of showing love.
It can lead to very dangerous relationships.

I mean : if you imagine that your mother loves you despite all her attitude, you can do the same with someone else.

So i try not to ask myself anymore.

I don't look for words of love.

Just attitudes, acts.


Still... I'm not sure that question is resolved for myself.
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Re: Does my narcissistic mother love me?

Postby TribeOhana » Thu Sep 13, 2018 10:22 am

Philnoe, that's true. I'm just dealing with wrapping my head around the cause of my issues. I closed the chapter of my childhood many years ago. I didn't only forgive, but I forgot and completely blacked everything out for ten years. But when my sister came back, and I graduated and finally had time to think and feel... It all came rushing back. I might have been the golden child for the last 7 years, but the return of my sister changed the roles, and I now truly see that the abusive behavior is not just grumpy outbursts or legitimate reactions. And it's not behind us at all. She's been manipulating situations, trying to make me seem bad in front of my sister to triangulate and come between us again. And I was in disbelief when I finally saw it clearly. I'm heartbroken. I forgave her for our childhood, but it's all coming back now. I'm as angry as I was when I moved out at 18.

She hasn't expressed a word of pride over me graduating, not posted a single picture on social media from the ceremony, in fact she told me that she "hasn't even looked at the pictures".

I'm trying to assess where she is on the spectrum, trying to calculate when and how I can still love her. But the childhood neglect, letting her daughters whither and almost die... I'm so angry.
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Re: Does my narcissistic mother love me?

Postby Philonoe » Thu Sep 13, 2018 2:59 pm

TribeOhana wrote:But the childhood neglect, letting her daughters whither and almost die... I'm so angry.

:|

how I can still love her.

So maybe your question is "do i still love her?"



PS : i'm Philonoe with an "o" :wink:
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Re: Does my narcissistic mother love me?

Postby TribeOhana » Thu Sep 13, 2018 3:19 pm

how I can still love her.

So maybe your question is "do i still love her?"


Wow. Yeah, maybe that is what I'm asking. I'll have to think about that.

Hehe, sorry for getting your name wrong! :P
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Re: Does my narcissistic mother love me?

Postby JanieP » Wed Sep 19, 2018 11:02 pm

I don't think my NM ever loved me. When she became terminally ill last year I had to go NC with her because the abuse got worse and my siblings both turned on me. They were always in her corner when I was growing up. They were both physically and mentally abusive to me. My mother passed away and I have no contact with either of my brothers. I am more at peace than ever. I am pretty sure my mother never loved me.
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