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Sibling Troubles

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Sibling Troubles

Postby artsybooksy » Sat Sep 08, 2018 4:29 pm


I need help, and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced what I'm struggling with.

My brother, sister and i were raised by a narcissistic mother. She is straight out of the DSM IV. We had our roles. My brother, her favorite, was the Golden Child who could do no wrong (even if it was immoral or against the law). He has been forever chasing the dream of being a Famous Rock Star. My sister is the Special Helper. She is very competitive, to the point where she is capable of lying or undermining anyone in her way. I was the scapegoat, once always the dysfunctional loser who could never seem to get my life together. Motherhood and a terrible divorce changed everything for me. I didn't want to raise my child with the dysfunction I knew, so I got help and made changes. In doing so, good things in life fell into place and troublesome, or toxic things, became even more toxic. I had to go No Contact from my mother, who became vindictive when I tried to establish boundaries so she wouldn't abuse my daughter. No details, but it was bad.

After I got my life together (and it's a quiet, unremarkable but stable and wholesome life) my brother and especially my sister seemed to seriously dislike me. Prior to this, as the Loser, I was often talked down to or scorned but at least we had a dialogue :( crappy as it was. I can't wrap my mind around it. I cannot understand them. I'm relational, so, I don't get this and it troubles me. I can't think of what I did to cause them to dislike me.

Nmom might have had a hand in ruining the relationships, as she triangulated and enjoyed destroying the character and reputation of others. She didn't like that I stood up to her so she might have influenced them. I can only guess.

Here's the trouble. I have a complex: they are both so confident, so charismatic, so self assured, so right in their own eyes, I worry their view is The Truth, that maybe I really am unlikeable, that other people really don't like me for some mysterious reason or they won't like me once they get to know me.

I have no evidence this is true, but it worries me anyway. Realistically, I'm a dorky, nerdish person with dogs and an artsy way, so I recognize I'm not conventional and not everyone's cup of tea. I am okay with this. I am, however, absolutely not weird or creepy or something that would cause people to "not like" me. But, I worry most people do not like me or won't like me when they get to know me. It's become this huge complex and it's affected my social life.

To matters even more confusing, Nmom and brother have always been surrounded by hoards of loving enablers. Their friends were more like fans. Both are very popular.

It's confusing.

Has anyone else felt this way? :cry:
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Re: Sibling Troubles

Postby NevaCroix » Sun Sep 16, 2018 12:16 pm

Dear artsybooksy,
you know that narcisstsic people like to bring others down?
Don't be so unsure about yourself - build up self-esteem and embrace your personality.
Just because they think that they are right - doesn't mean it is the truth. People are subjective in their perspective.
So, why are you thinking about their opinion?
Your siblings are spoiled, nasty and jealous ,,adults".
Distance yourself from your family.

They are just toxic and didn't deserve you!
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Re: Sibling Troubles

Postby JanieP » Wed Sep 19, 2018 11:11 pm

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I was the scapegoat, my younger brother was the golden child and my older brother was just perfect. When my mother became terminally ill last February, I had to go NC with her and my siblings. They all ganged up on me and were abusing me so I had to cut myself off completely from them. My mother spent her whole life creating issues between the 3 of us. She didn't want us to get along. They would physically and mentally abuse me as I was growing up. I have no confidence in myself and I constantly feel like a loser. Since my mother has passed, I have been trying to change my way of thinking about myself. I have no contact with either of my brothers and it is so liberating to not be cut down all the time by all of them. I am more at peace than ever. We deserve to feel good about ourselves and we need to remember that we didn't deserve any of what was done to us. I just wish I had known years ago what I know now. I would have gotten away from them all way before now.
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