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Leaving someone with NPD

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Leaving someone with NPD

Postby BarSam » Thu Aug 23, 2018 11:02 am

Hello everyone. I need some advice. I think it’s staring me right in the face but I need some reassurance before I make any decision.
I met someone six months ago and the infatuation/chemistry took over me; he lives 300 miles away from me so we have been having a LDR for the past six months. We messaged all the time, he would tell me I was his soul mate and he’d never loved anyone like this (I said the same back). It was a quick starter and he wanted to meet my friends after three weeks. The conversation we had at the beginning had seemed very open; he told me he was in a ten year relationship with someone who basically didn’t want him and it took him two years to get over it. It then transpires that he was on and off with this person and he made comments like ‘I didn’t want to move in with her after six years’. He then described how he had to finish his previous relationship as he was comparing it to his previous one. His words were ‘it destroyed her’ so he wanted to make sure it was right with me before he progressed it. We then entered a phase where he called me all the time, we spoke for hours. He was desperate to show me off to his friends and for me to meet his mum.

Time passed and it was great. He earns less money than me, rents a house with 4 other men and that’s it. I have my own home and everything seemingly set up. We both go to the gym a lot and I have had numerous conversations with him regarding how I feel about steroids. He’s actively told me that he whole heartedly disagrees with them, even though his mates do them. He would talk about them a lot and the effects. We shared a gym bag one day and I noticed Viagra in his bag. I didn’t say anything because I thought it might have been psychological and didn’t want to embarrass him or make him feel uncomfortable but I couldn’t get it out of my head that they’d been left there for me to find and raise. I then visited his house and I noticed, in his wash bag, in full view, was a bottle of steroid pills and the aromasin pills you take to balance hormones afterwards. I was shocked because he’d told me he was against them. I didn’t raise it, though.

A few months later we were talking about him moving closer too (not in with) me so that we could develop our relationship. He told me over the phone that he would in September once his lease was up. We have been planning for this and I have been helping him find a job. It was a bit shakey though as some of the things he said suggested he was having doubts about moving. When I raised it, I was sympathetic and said I get it’s a big thing since he’s always lived in the same town etc. He then told me that in the past he had been hesitant and not commited to a person and he was this time. Something in my gut was telling me he wasn’t going to move. Time passed and I sought more and moe reassurance from him. Then came the first ‘out there’ lie. He told me when we first met that he’d finished uni wihth a 2:1. He told my friends this. When I was completing his CV, I noticed it was missing. I confronted him and he told me the formatting had chopped it off. When applying for a job a few weeks later I asked again and he told me he’d lied and dropped out of uni as his parents broke up and he was ashamed. I told him that I didn’t like liars and he said he’d make it up to me and not do it again (obviously).

A few weeks later we were due to go to Italy for my friend’s wedding. I’d offered to pay up front for the flights and hotel and he agreed to pay me back. I arranged a meal at a nice restaurant. He had 4 months’ notice. We went to Italy and to the meal and he didn’t offer to even split the bill. I brought it up the next day and said I couldn’t afford it and he said ‘your face changes and you frighten me’. He agreed to pay half back.I also raised the fact that I was annoyed that I had to chase him for the flight money; he should proactively approach me about paying this back along with 200 pounds he had of mine. I broke up with him as I said I felt ike I was with a child. He told me that I knew his financial situation and I knew how much it hurt him that previous relationships had been spiteful over finances. I told him I wasn’t being spiteful and that he was being disrespectful.

Then I made my first mistake. After breaking up with him, I messaged him and asked whether we could give it another go. He waited a few hours to reply and told me he would call me that night. He never called me that night and I just got a message ‘really tired after the cinema, speak tomorrow’. I felt like he didn’t care. I spoke to him the next day. For the next few days he was really attentive and then it switched. Something switched. His replies were few and far in between and when I confronted it I felt like I was being called out for being dramatic; he was packing to move house at the time so I have him benefit of the doubt. He withdrew the usual affection. I ended up in a&e one night (unrelated) and I was caling an texting him. He suddenly disappeared. I felt awful. The next day I got a generic message ‘sorry fell asleep whats the next step’. I called him and asked what was going on. He told me I’d hurt him when I broke up with him because I told him he lacked the foundation to be in a relationship. He told me that truth hurts. I simply said he couldn’t form a proper relationship without respect and trust but he exaggerated my words. For the next week I felt like it was me chasing him even though he’d been a liar etc.

I met him in his home town during the weekend in which he was packing. I noticed that there was a present wrapped up in his room and it had been there for a while on his TV stand. On top of this was a fluffy hot water bottle. I knew it was something strange. He packed his stuff; some stuff which he didn’t immediately need (inc some of my things) went to his friend’s house for storage and some went with him for immediate use. The present was in one of the boxes and the hot water bottle on the floor. I asked about the hot water bottle and he told me that it was his friends girlfriends who used to stay at the house. I offered to place it with his friends stuff and he said he wanted to keep it. He then threw it on top of the present. I asked what the present was and he just shook his head and said it was a frame. Later on, I asked him as his response was strange and he told me that it was a present for his dad. He was lying. I continued to ask and he told me it was a present he made for his ex and her family. I asked why he still had it and whether the intention was to give it to her, he said he ‘probably woudlnt’ and he didn’t know why he had it. I wasn’t satisfied so I probed him for answers. Naturally I was told I was dramatic. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t proactively reassuring me and coming to me to set the record straight. He told me he had. He hadn’t. I was due to leave the following day and expressed that I was worried over the fact that it would be on my mind and we were 300 miles apart and he asked me to write everything down in an email and he’d reply. Once he left for work I got a message saying that part of him coulnd’t be bothered with the drama and part of him wanted to sort it. I packed my things and went to the station. I called him. Nothing. I asked him whether he wanted the relationship and he told me he had to go away and think about whats happened and how. I asked him if he loved me. Same response. I then ended it over message. Nothing.

I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days. I sent him a message asking for my money and he sent a response basically telling me that his silence wasn’t ignorance and he was taking time to reflect, thinking about what he should do next and how much he cares about me. He apologised for making it difficult. I was confused as I ended it so I replied and said ‘ what do you think youre making difficult for me’? No reply. I then got a message a day later where he told me he wanted to be with me and loved me but his battle was whether we were right for each other given how things have played out. He asked me to send the email so he could see how he’d hurt me. I asked him to email me and he promised he would but he didn’t. He was also somehow convinced that he’d ended it with me. I sent him the email 2 days ago, calling him out on his lies and he said he wanted to take time and respond. I noticed he withdrew affection again and told me It’d take time to repair bonds that were broken over the past month. I’m due the email this morning and, as predicted, something has come up. I use an aromatherapy diffuser pen thing, all natural ingredients. I mentioned it to him last night as a good way to drift off to sleep and this morning I got ‘you vape. Christ’ I said, well yeah technically its vapour but not typical. I was then sent a link to the company which is ‘Monq’ and he replied ‘you calling me a mong’ ‘its vaping who are you kidding’. He then went offline. I stayed neutral and asked when the email would arrive. I ignored his comments about vaping.

On top of the above, there are other red flags and bear in mind this is a person who ‘doesn’t like drama and avoids it’:

1. In a ten year relationship but told me he’d never had a sit down conversation with someone like he had me. He’d not been on holiday with a gf
2. Told me he was ‘emotionally numb’
3. Told me that he’d been accused of raping someone when he was 17 but explained it as a girl not wanting to get caught by her bf. He had to leave work because of it
4. Told me he was accused of killing someone by work colleagues because he didn’t walk a friend home and she fell and paralysed herself. Again, he was off work
5. Told me he’d had to move 18 times in his life. His dad left at 2. His mum has been married four times
6. Told me he had dyslexia at the beginning of the relationship. Months later, in passing convo he asked me what it was
7. I do lots for him send him things in the post, cook for him, make ‘romantic’ things. I have nothing from him. He’s never done anything for me.
8. Hasn’t yet found a job for when he moves closer. Has mentioned pushing the date back. Confronted him and he got teary and distracted with something else
9. Looks at other women all the time (can be forgiven but amongst other things)
10. For my birthday spent a long time looking around jewellery shops pretending he was going to buy me a piece of jewellery. It didn’t happen. Txt and asked if he could buy me a dress that never happened. Talks about proposing to me. You know?


Am I being triangulated with his ‘ex’? He also knows that I have PTSD and a lot of information abot him. How do I leave?
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Re: Leaving someone with NPD

Postby Absinthe » Thu Aug 23, 2018 4:24 pm

BarSam wrote:Hello everyone. I need some advice.

Make shorter posts.
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Re: Leaving someone with NPD

Postby Eight » Fri Aug 24, 2018 1:45 am

I didn't read the whole thing, but I can tell you this.

He owes you substantial money. He doesn't want to pay. He's looking for an excuse to not pay.
He will find one. And he will attempt to blame it on you - "you broke up with me" "your drama" "I was going to pay, but now that you..." etc.

Doesn't much matter what you do now. The die is cast.
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Re: Leaving someone with NPD

Postby SoSurprised » Sat Sep 01, 2018 6:25 am

He sounds like a user and I believe by what you have written, you think so too. I think the best for you is to go "no contact". He won't change. He will never love you or treat you the way you deserve. You are out money, but honey, if you hang out with him, will you be out a lot more than this amount of money and you will hurt even more. One thing to remember is we can't change others. Excuses as to abuse and all, when it becomes apparent that they are not behaving like decent humans, the abuse or whatever they have suffered in the past become excuses for them to treat others poorly.

Fortunately you are not married or have children with this POS. Go no contact and move on. You are lucky!!
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Re: Leaving someone with NPD

Postby MilkMaid » Wed Sep 05, 2018 1:54 pm

What do you mean, how do you leave? Everything you described about him is a repellent itself. He's a child, a user, an abuser, a liar, a horrible excuse of a "man" etc All these horrible things. He has no redeeming qualities. He doesn't take you or the relationship seriously and is very unstable I doubt it would work even if he did because hes so delusional! Getting mad by confusing essential oils with tobacco/vape? Saying you called him a mong because you told him the brand name?? Even though he could have been trolling/gaslighting you, that doesn't make it any better. Block him on EVERYTHING and go completely no contact. Hes wasting your time.
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