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Im so very sad

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Im so very sad

Postby notnarc » Sun Jun 03, 2018 10:32 am

I think I am in a relationship with a covert Narcissist and would just like opinions please.

I have been in this relationship for 4.5 yrs engaged for 2.5 yrs. For the first 3 years he was the most charming loving man I had ever met, yet didn't have any real friends we are in our late 40's. He loves to play poker and I am a very social person. He had been playing poker for years 1 to 2 nights per week before he met me and didn't know anyone. He introduced me to the game 2 years ago and being a social person it wasn't long before I knew a large number of people there and introduced him.

His school age children both live with us full time. He leaves me to do everything for his children while all he does is work, play poker 4 to 5 nights per week without coming home till the early hours of the morning. The rest of the time he sleeps and spends no time with me or his children at all. When we speak to him he is completely disengaged not even looking up from fb on his mobile phone. When he does speak it is only about himself or poker and how he wants to be a world champion.

When I try to discuss it with him rationally he gets extremely angry and almost looks like he needs an exorcism by the look in his eyes. He has used all of my savings (which I know is stupid on my behalf) I don't work and Im feeling very trapped. When I cry he has no care for my feelings at all. His teenage daughter hasn't spoken to him for 2 weeks because he left her sitting in his car in a carpark for 2.5hrs so he could play poker at a pub. He was going to do that again the following night, but I picked her up.

He ignores me for days at a time and sleeps on the lounge when he is at home most of the time. He seems to have a very quiet smugness of importance and treats me very passive aggressively. When I do ask him why he's doing this he tells me its my fault because I've changed. I have changed from a very happy person to a very sad one, but I'm not argumentative and we never yell or argue in front of the children, however, there is a large tension in the home that he seems to be creating so that we don't talk to him or ask him to do things with us. He walked out the door to play poker 8.5 hours ago today and still isn't home. He told me he was going because I'm pathetic. This is the 5th time this week.

I know that I have to get out as heartbreaking as this is. I feel that the love and promises he gave me were all an illusion to rope me in and now he's living like a free single man leaving me to mother his children.
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Re: Im so very sad

Postby Akuma » Sun Jun 03, 2018 11:33 am

In this scenario your boyfriend seems to have a gambling addiction and that seems to be the primary problem. Addiction tends to sneak up over time and people get more and more drawn into their addiction, often starting to shut out their friends, family etc., starting to lie, steal money etc. Not sure how much the sneak up part here happened though or if it just took a while for you to see the extent of the problem.
If he is in addition some "covert narcissist" is hard to say, its not an official diagnosis, there are no diagnostic lists for it and there is still some debate in research where covert stops and vulnerable starts and vice versa.
In any event you should definitely not give him more money and talk with your family about it and maybe see a professional about what to do next. You might have a hard time to get him to realize what he's doing - with or without any PD or developmental disorder or whatever he might have in addition to his addiction.
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Re: Im so very sad

Postby notnarc » Sun Jun 03, 2018 11:55 am

He just walked in the door after nearly 10 hrs of being out playing. It’s not the game he seems to be obsessed with. It’s the social status that the poker community gives you when you win or even make it to final table in a tournament. He’s on every poker fb page being a social butterfly and is constantly telling me how many likes he got on a post. I tell him “oh good your popular” he says “yes people like what I write” FYI he writes in very poor English with terrible punctuation. I watch the other players feed his ego to keep him playing so that they can take his money.

There is not a chance I could get him diagnosed. He is in complete denial that he is doing anything wrong. He’s a terrible player and is always telling me how fantastic he is and donkeys are always calling him & winning with bad hands. He buzzed around talking to everyone in short bursts with no real connection. While he’s talking to one he’s waving to another. It’s very strange behaviour to observe. BTW HE DIDNT PLAY AT ALL FOR THE FIRST YEAR WE WERE TOGETHER. I didn’t even here the word poker mentioned until our second year together.
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Re: Im so very sad

Postby notnarc » Sun Jun 03, 2018 12:21 pm

Thank you. I feel that it’s not the game he is addicted to. It seems to be the social status that the poker community give you when you win or even make it to final table in a tournament. They feed his ego to keep him going back so that there is more money on the table.

He is on every fb poker page making comments and consistently intimating that he is popular and telling me how many likes he gets on his comments. To watch him socialise he buzzes from person to person with no real connections and while he’s talking to one he’s waving to another. It’s quite bizarre to watch. I’ve stopped going with him because he doesn’t talk to me at all. It’s like I don’t exist.

He counted how many birthday wishes I got on fb and informed me that he got more than me. I’m not into superficiality at all so I find this behaviour disturbing. My feelings are very hurt, but I get no acknowledgement. He just got home after 10hrs of being out playing and spoke to me sharply and rudely immediately. Not the loving kind giving man that I fell in love with at all.
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Re: Im so very sad

Postby Akuma » Sun Jun 03, 2018 4:34 pm

Your story reminds me of this thing called CBD. These people usually go out, spend all the money they got [and that they dont got], they have drawers overflowing with stuff they never wear and never use, still they cant stop. Ultimately they all go bankrupt and some of them go into therapy. What a lot of them say ultimately is that curiously their addiction was not so much fueled by some "high" they got from buying, or from getting or having the goods at all, but the way they were treated by the sales people. Some women said they were treated like princesses and that was what fueled and upheld their addiction.
I would have to go thru my books and look if there's some known statistics about [gambling] addiction and narcissism. There definitely is a correlation between cluster B and addiction and also narcissism [in the psychoanalytical sense aka omnipotent control], because the quick high of course resembles the narcissistic wish for "i need this now and perfectly and I want to control it". But i your guy actually has a PD or not... I'm not sure if that's a useful knowledge. What I think is good is that you have realized apparently that you have been enabling his behavior in the past. I think the harder question for you is how do you want to deal with this in the future. Of course every step that you are going to take that might make it harder for him to get his addictive needs met will also be hard on you and your family though.
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Re: Im so very sad

Postby notnarc » Sun Jun 03, 2018 5:25 pm

Omg. That does sound familiar. He is a compulsive buyer with loads of unnecessary stuff. He even gos to auctions and buys absolute junk that is never looked at. I throw things away secretly all of the time. We have a garage full of stuff still in it’s packaging. He has more clothes than me and tends to back to the same sales people to get praise. He tends to shout people when he can’t afford it just so they think he’s a great guy. In the beginning of our relationship he bombed me with loads of expensive and unnecessary gifts and flowers. All the staff in a local candle shop, florist and crystal shop know him and they must’ve rubbed their hands together every time they saw him coming.

He has started lying to me about stupid things though. He’s asleep on the lounge again tonight. Is someone with CBD capable of true love though? His aloofness, deceipt and passive aggression towards me has become so unbearable which explains why I’m looking for answers. When I try to talk to him about his behaviour all I here is “I don’t do anything wrong” and we are always late paying bills. He is always lending people money too when we ourselves are struggling. He seems so desperate to be liked by people that mean nothing and doesn’t seem to understand the difference Ethernet acquaintances & friends. He never apologises for anything ever and tends to lay blame on other people when things aren’t going well. It’s never ever his fault. He doesn’t seem capable of looking within himself as to why he has the same problems over and over. I’m his 3rd fiancé and I’ve had a $12000 ring on my finger for 2.5 yrswhich I recently found out he bout on credit and hasn’t paid off & his reason to me is because he was late with one payment so the credit company called him and the lady was a bi#%ch so he’s not paying another $1.Maybe his aloofness and aggression towards me are due to his own inadequacies. I am unable to criticise his behaviour because he gets very angry.
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Re: Im so very sad

Postby Akuma » Mon Jun 04, 2018 4:38 am

Is someone with CBD capable of true love though?


With this question you're making your boyfriends addiction about yourself, which it probably is not, and you're shifting the power to him away from yourself.
I'd rather ask: What is missing in your life at the moment?
What can you do to get it? Whats in the way?
That seems more pragmatic than theorizing about which mental illness might be at the root of your bfs addiction.
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Re: Im so very sad

Postby notnarc » Mon Jun 04, 2018 4:53 am

The reason I ask this question about CBD now that you have opened my eyes to a new possibility is because it seems to be common knowledge that a narcissist is not capable of true love which was the reason for my original post, so for my own sanity I don’t wish try to regain a loving relationship if that love was merely an illusion.

You are right. They are great questions that I should be asking and I will give it a try. Thanks for the relevant advice.
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Re: Im so very sad

Postby notnarc » Mon Jun 04, 2018 11:21 pm

Ok I am going to record daily poker events on here so as maybe to get some real assistance:-

Last night he went to poker again at 6pm he picked up his teenage daughter and left her sitting in the car in the car park for 2 hrs. When I discovered this naturally I went to pick her up. He got home at 1am and she tried to tell him how much that hurt her and asked him if he was sorry. He said “it’s not that bad get over it” she has left the house and gone to her grand parents house refuses to come back until he gives her an apology. She is personally hurt & devastated because she knows if this behaviour continues this family will not be together anymore.

I tried to talk to him calmly about it and asked him to throw his arms around his daughter to even sound like a sincere apology if he didn’t mean it to show that he wants a meaningful relationship with her. He outright refused. I tried the questions above calmly & lovingly he informed me that “things are going to change around here MY WAY”. He truly seems incapable of caring about the pain he causes to others. I politely informed him that I’m willing to work on this and if he really cares about this family he will need to communicate with me as to what is going on his his head, because if this carelessness continues I won’t put up with it forever. All I got in return was a blank stare. BTW myself and his daughter are highly sensitive empaths with the need & ability to communicate effectively. So both of us are suffering greatly with this behaviour.

I will also add that my sadness is not as intense as it was when originally posted this, I’m beginning to feel differently about him.
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