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Successfuly married

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Successfuly married

Postby ZombieZ » Sat Jun 02, 2018 3:25 pm

I’m just wondering how people with NPD can keep relationships together and form lifetime bonds with their SO? I’ve never been able to do this I’m in my 40s now and I’m trying to work things out in therapy but honestly I’ve had no luck personally. I know there are plenty of narcissist who are married and have a functional relationship.
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Re: Successfuly married

Postby Absinthe » Sat Jun 02, 2018 7:10 pm

Were you married before? What’s gotten in the way of a successful relationship for you?
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Re: Successfuly married

Postby Rena83 » Sun Jun 03, 2018 2:54 am

Idk.

Having BPD we are like narcs with feelings but really insane outbursts of anger. And I have never been able to be faithful to any person my entire life.

And I've been with a few married men. Pretty sure they were narcs based on their lack of caring that they would sleep with me in their house, and laugh about it. Plus they loved talking about there flashy toys and taking me out and saying how hot I looked.

Yeah, maybe I'm hot but it was more about how they felt by using me as a toy...like a car...to get admiration. But hey if they wanted to feed me really nice food, and drop a few hundred a month on expensive makeup and shoes....use me baby.
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Re: Successfuly married

Postby Akuma » Sun Jun 03, 2018 3:42 am

ZombieZ wrote:I’m just wondering how people with NPD can keep relationships together and form lifetime bonds with their SO? I’ve never been able to do this I’m in my 40s now and I’m trying to work things out in therapy but honestly I’ve had no luck personally. I know there are plenty of narcissist who are married and have a functional relationship.


You could try pm'ing Jasmer. She (he? I have forgotten -_- ) was married for many years and still going strong when active here.
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Re: Successfuly married

Postby ShowJumpingRabbit » Mon Jun 04, 2018 8:42 pm

If by successful you mean happy, I don't believe it's possible, disorders prevent people from being happy, there is always some depression/feelings of emptiness lurking. No significant other can change that.

If by successful you mean functional, as in practically functioning, then it is possible but not necessarily recommandable. In general, the significant other is an enabler/covert whatever with major issues of their own, who manages the disordered person instead of challenging them, i.e. nothing ever progresses. If anything, since the significant other prevents the disordered person from experiencing their pain, there is a regressive quality to this type of relationships.

I hate to be that person, the realistic one (had to be that person for myself in the past so nothing personal), but there is no shortcut to happiness but doing the heavy work.
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Re: Successfuly married

Postby realityhere » Thu Jun 07, 2018 5:50 am

Gosh, do I wish Jazz was back, too...she, yah, she's a she, had an interesting perspective.

Not many nons would commit fully to a partner, if they knew the partner still played the field, no matter that he/she wanted to be faithful. It's not about having your cake and eating it too, that's not a marriage. It takes a certain devotion to some thing, perhaps having a family that he/she never had, and sticking with it and making it work, no matter how difficult the going gets.
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Re: Successfuly married

Postby ShowJumpingRabbit » Thu Jun 07, 2018 6:30 am

Don't get me wrong, I think it's possible to find some stability to tackle one's turmoil from the confines of a relationship. But more often than not the relationship acts as a bandaid, keeping the wound tighter but intact. Most relationships I have witnessed fall into this category.

As for which category Jasmer's relationship fall into, I do not know. Something worth mentioning is that she appeared to be also committed to therapy.
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Re: Successfuly married

Postby ZombieZ » Thu Jun 07, 2018 10:51 am

I think I would consider a functional marriage a successful one. Even healthy people are not happy all the time in fact I would bet a lot of the time. If you can work around each other’s issues and make it work I’d call that a win.
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Re: Successfuly married

Postby ShowJumpingRabbit » Thu Jun 07, 2018 1:54 pm

ZombieZ wrote:I think I would consider a functional marriage a successful one. Even healthy people are not happy all the time in fact I would bet a lot of the time. If you can work around each other’s issues and make it work I’d call that a win.


It's true being able to work around issues is signal of a working relationship, but that's not the type of relationship I have witnessed. A couple of relatives who are in a long term relationship is financially viable and practically functioning with well oiled routines. But that doesn't prevent the disordered person from complaining as much as day one about their unhappiness, and the significant other from being weary of it all.

I'm not saying a relationship including a disordered person is not viable. What I'm saying is that without the disordered partner(s) being willing to tackle their turmoil, I have a hard time believing it can be a happy one. Or at least, it's not something that I have witnessed.
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