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Postby Ashley87 » Sat May 19, 2018 8:14 am

Hi my name is A and I have had 2 year long experince in my life that has lead me to the conclusion that I have NPD. I am currently trying to identify my emotions and I know most of them revolve around shame. I just moved back I just moved back in with my parents and I ended a relatiomship with a really good person who is probably the reason I finally realized who I really was and what I was doing. I was not experincing the feeling of shame until I backed out of a promise I made myself to not answer one of his calls. He mirrored my abuse throughout our relationship and was more of a father figure to me then anything else. He was a false idol to me. I am confused if my backing down on my own boundry caused my shame or if it was him trying to minipulate me into feeling ashamed for deciding to adopt out my son after realizing that I was not responsible enough to take care of him. I also couldnt deal with lying to everyone that I cared more about my son than I actually did. I havent totally emotionally detached from my ex as through out our whole relationship the only thing I ever cared about was what he thought of me. So he can either make me feel like I am amazing or I am worthless. Which I exept is how I made him feel. The only difference is I am weak minded and he is mentally strong and doesn't care what anyone thinks. In the conversation he was saying all he could think about was our son and not to let him go when I told him after I ended the relationship that I would give him all parental right if he was not okay with adoption. Which makes me think he was trying to make me feel shame as I know all he wants is his kids and he hates me so I dont see the point in the conversation and the crying and begging when this person is very emotionally stable. I am trying not to make myself feep better with attention from my family. But I talk to them and in the back of my head I hear you dont really care or you just said that for attention so I cant hold a conversation for long or just be relaxed. I mostly am trying not to find another father figure or anything negaitive to take away this feeling. I did regonize I felt shame when I woke up this morning and wanted to go baco to sleep and marinate in the feeling of shame as I always had for about 28 years of my life but I told myself it wouldnt help it would make me feel worse. I was pretty productive today but still feel this uneasyiness. I am not agitated or irritated i just have this odd feeling in my shoulders that goes down my arms and is not very pleasnt. I might be miss labeling it as shame but I am pretty sure if my family wasnt paying as much attention as they are to me right now i would feel a lot worse. I think it has something to do with humbling myself. That it would counteract the affects attention has on me. If anyone has any insight in this and healthy ways to feel better without attention I would greatly appreciate it. Also has anyone ever felt real empathy. Do you actually feel an emotion for someone else? Is empathy for example feeling the emotion of being embarrased when you see someone else do something embarrassing.
Last edited by Echinacea on Sat May 19, 2018 12:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Name edited as per forum rules
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