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Hunter or prey?

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Re: Hunter or prey?

Postby 1PolarBear » Sat May 12, 2018 2:56 pm

Extraversion and conscientiousness. They do correlate to success as far as I know. Not the only thing, but it plays a role.
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Re: Hunter or prey?

Postby Contrast » Sat May 12, 2018 2:59 pm

Extraversion traits are easy. How do we fix conscientiousness?
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Re: Hunter or prey?

Postby ZombieZ » Sat May 12, 2018 6:09 pm

Kimera wrote:
ZombieZ wrote:I think I’ve made Kimeras Narcissistic devaluation trash bin because of my questionable choices in mating behavior.

Look on the bright side. You'll have lots of company in there.


8) Bright side
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Re: Hunter or prey?

Postby ShowJumpingRabbit » Sat May 12, 2018 8:33 pm

Contrast wrote:Mmm, I suppose identification with hunter is my first instinct but having someone need, crave and chase back is where things end so perhaps that's the end goal. Maybe I chase so flip the dynamic to what I really want.

I think if we're talking purely about relationship dynamics I want there to be sparring for control rather than have control or not (maybe? I'm not sure I don't like not being in control so I contradict myself here).

The thing is, once they give up themselves I don't like it. Using a narc framework, maybe I devalue after that. I won, got what I wanted, and got bored. Ideally one wouldn't be 'conquered' by the other so we'd be on equal terms. That's my idealised fantasy long term relationship.


1PolarBear wrote:It's when you see relationships as a zero sum game, then it becomes about black and white thinking and about winning or control, then the devaluation is inevitable, since you don't want to associate with a looser. In other words, it is self-defeating in a roundabout way.


Which is what I was getting at in the Sex thread before people started to freak out and derail the thread as a diversion from their own feelings.

The dynamic of the power play is a reenactment of the parent-child dynamic where the child is hooked on the parent's attention but never received the desired care. Which translates as a grown up into an addiction to the chase itself since this is a behavior the reward has been associated with. Subsequently, our mind is tricking us into experiencing an illusion of control/freedom (initially for survival purposes). To top it off, the "narc framework" further glorifies the addiction. So hunter or prey? More often than not a hunter is being concomitantly a willing rabbit.
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Re: Hunter or prey?

Postby Contrast » Sat May 12, 2018 8:57 pm

Fair insight. It is a trapping. My parents love me and gave me affection so I don't know if that's why I have this dynamic happen so often though

-- Sat May 12, 2018 8:59 pm --

Will get back to this tomorrow with my thoughts on why I act this way. Would be curious to have them picked apart here
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Re: Hunter or prey?

Postby Eight » Sun May 13, 2018 2:45 am

I like to be chased. I like to do the chasing. I like it to seesaw back and forth. Same with the power dynamic - I like to be in control, I like to be controlled; I like to have the power; I like to be overpowered. I'm intelligent so I want the person I'm with to also be intelligent. Same with most qualities - I like to be matched, and to 'have met my match'.

The trick with the above is that I don't want to participate in silly games about this. I want to play, yes, but not in ways that feel senseless or ridiculous, or that seem to be designed to hide other things, or to use/abuse.

I like it to be outfront and aboveboard and without veneer or hidden agendas, and then it is fun and feels healthy to me.

I see no reason to not poke around someone when we're starting to get together. Harmless poking because I'm not interested in harming someone, but pushing a little and seeing if they push back? or pulling in a little and seeing if they'll release and come close? - those sorts of thing seem direct and honest and playful and real to me, and are intended to see if we're a match and we want to go further.

I can't be with anyone who is a pushover. Nor can I be with anyone who must 'win' all the time. Nor who doesn't know how to soften when it's called for. Nor who takes some macho role with me. Nor who wants to play until he gets bored and then to will move on. I am not a toy, and I don't want any of that.

But to be hunted a bit? To hunt a bit? To be prey sometimes? Those aren't the terms I'd use to describe what I'm attempting to describe, but since they're the ones offered, I guess I can make them fit. Still, to me, they smack of toying with someone out of some egoic need or some childish stance, and that's why I don't use them to discuss the couples dynamic I prefer. Plus I hear overlays of someone from the AsPD forum saying "I'm the predator. Everyone else is my prey." and that just makes me laugh.

There is a flow to a good relationship, like water, that twirls and swirls and keeps things stirred up a bit, til it naturally comes to a calm spot where it lingers in the cool refreshing shade, and then hits a bit of rock and the pace speeds and there's a touch of danger, etc etc with that metaphor. That's the aliveness of a relationship that will go the distance for me. I'm in one just like that right now.

If I was dominant over my husband, I wouldn't want him for long. If he was dominant over me, that simply wouldn't work out. But to have a back-and-forth of dominance as well as reliance, and sweetness, and strength, and vulnerability, and protection, and fierceness, and more - where both parties get to do any piece of it at any given time - not to conquer the other, but in healthy competition and mutual dependence towards bettering each other - that is bliss. And it fosters the growth of both people.
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Re: Hunter or prey?

Postby Quoth » Sun May 13, 2018 5:12 am

Kimera wrote:
Quoth wrote:Manning is the process through which a falconer or austringer acclimatises a raptor. It’s an extremely subtle and orchestrated form of persuasion.

Ah, thank you. I learned a new word today.

Now it makes sense.

So...not chasing. Acquisition and grooming?
ahh you see me loitering in my car outside the school gates with a hole conveniently cut in my pocket :lol:

I only spotted the question here shortly before I went for a ride this afternoon, unfortunately as so often happens I spent most of the time considering it and now have to compress the multitude of ideas I was playing with down into something that makes sense to someone other than me.

I believe you referred to you own ex lover as the ‘sparkly narc’, well put simply I don’t sparkle. In fact, because most of the traits which make up my personality are the dynamic antithesis of some of the cluster B defences, in all of those ways which make cluster B fun and exciting I am positively drab. That’s not to say that I don’t have traits which are appealing just that I have to play to them rather than trying to play a game I am simply not designed for.

An obvious example may be my tendency to towards planning rather than impulsivity. If running naked in the rain is important to you then that’s not me at all, but equally my obsessive drive and attention to detail work well in orchestrating a private romantic evening with someone. The inhibition/reserve which can become a problem in a more aggressive ‘chase’ is far more comfortable in a more gentle and old fashioned approach.

Or to use a fictional example to illustrate the sort of difference in styles I’m talking about, if this was Bridget Jones I’d have to be Colin Firth not Hugh Grant, though I expect I’d probably have more fun if it was the other way around.

Amongst my friends I seem to have something of a reputation as an ‘ice queen’ specialist, though that isn’t deliberate. For the most part if a woman is going to get stroppy because I didn’t take her to whatever fancy restaurant but tried to cook something myself, or gets upset because a single solitary dog hair gets on her trousers, it’s unlikely we’re going to get on. I had one girl try to get me to put my old collie outside because she was fidgeting around and struggling to get comfortable after having her cruciate ligament surgically repaired a week before, still pretty angry about that, needless to say the girl did not get invited back.

I’ve taken to using the menagerie as a sounding board in recent years. I used to get a bit miffed with the women who seemed more interested in manhandling the critters than manhandling me, but experience has taught me that it’s actually a promising sign. As is blowing me off to go and do something worthwhile, what might have made me put up my defences when I was younger I now find endearing.
”The texture of time is a whisper that echoes across the flood
It's hymn resonates from tree to tree, through every sullen bough it sings”
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Re: Hunter or prey?

Postby Kimera » Sun May 13, 2018 12:03 pm

Quoth wrote:In fact, because most of the traits which make up my personality are the dynamic antithesis of some of the cluster B defences, in all of those ways which make cluster B fun and exciting I am positively drab. That’s not to say that I don’t have traits which are appealing just that I have to play to them rather than trying to play a game I am simply not designed for.

Fair enough. But you do have some cluster B's in your dating past.....how did that come about? Were you pursued? Was this cat and mouse game at all apparent, either at the time or in reflecting back?

Quoth wrote: I used to get a bit miffed with the women who seemed more interested in manhandling the critters than manhandling me, but experience has taught me that it’s actually a promising sign. As is blowing me off to go and do something worthwhile, what might have made me put up my defences when I was younger I now find endearing.

You've reminded me of an amusing (disturbing?) dynamic between Sparkly and my cat. My cat's personality is polar opposite to mine. He's immediately best buds with whoever walks through the door, and the moment you sit down, he's in your lap purring loudly. Sparkly not only didn't appreciate my cat's affection, he thought my cat disliked him intensely and was snuggling with him deliberately to keep him away from me. He believed he was in competition with my cat :roll:

Eight wrote:But to have a back-and-forth of dominance as well as reliance, and sweetness, and strength, and vulnerability, and protection, and fierceness, and more - where both parties get to do any piece of it at any given time - not to conquer the other, but in healthy competition and mutual dependence towards bettering each other - that is bliss. And it fosters the growth of both people.

It sounds lovely, Eight. I don't know anyone irl who has a relationship that sounds as symbiotic as yours. Don't ever let him go.

Maybe I've surrounded myself with disordered people - but even my friends who I'm sure are not disordered have not been able to find the kind of relationship you've described.
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Re: Hunter or prey?

Postby Kimera » Sun May 13, 2018 12:38 pm

Eight wrote: Plus I hear overlays of someone from the AsPD forum saying "I'm the predator. Everyone else is my prey." and that just makes me laugh.

I don't think I'm using those terms the same way they're used on AsPD - so perhaps a poor choice on my part.
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Re: Hunter or prey?

Postby ZombieZ » Sun May 13, 2018 12:42 pm

LOl sparkly is that a cute nickname for an ex? I had a dog that would do that actually she would literally dive in between me and my ex at the time always tried to be in between us. I don’t really get the dynamic you guys are talking about to be honest this push pull thing. My general approach is if I’m interested and I think she is interested I pursue her if I don’t get some feedback that I like I move on, kind of like who the hell does she think she is I can do better anyway. If she’s playing hard to get but I am getting some good vibes off her than that is different
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