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Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

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Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby EhNaniMouse » Mon Apr 02, 2018 8:02 am

Hello everyone,

I come to you today to try and sort out this knot I've wound myself into trying to sort through the disarray of my past and I've found myself over the past months circling the internet drain trying to find an answer to the above question.

In every video or post about the topic of children raised by Narcissists there's always a definitive 'Golden Child' talked about who can do no wrong, who emulates the Narcissist later in life, and is virtually doomed unless they wake up to it themselves before it's too late.

However, as one who still struggles with enmeshment I struggle with the above, mostly because in many ways I'm terrified that it's me. So I find myself combing my history, digging up miles upon miles of foulness leveled at me from my past and am temporarily reassured... until I try to figure out which of us it actually is.

You see, throughout my life, I've been fiercely independent, parents would often comment that it took me getting hurt to even want to be touched by them and even at the tender age of seven I'd already cemented in my mind I didn't want to grow up to be like my parents. (the irony is not lost on me that I wind up being a codependent people pleaser with that start.)

One of my siblings was truly a problem child, they owned that title through and through, or perhaps they took on the mantle, I've never asked them. From drugs, to theft, to extreme fits of rage they had it all, they even had callouses shaped like their molar crowns on their thumb from biting down on it hard while enraged to try and keep control during their teenage years.

The third sibling was a lot later along the path, and sadly I have little information to relay other than attempting to drive as much distance between the parents and themselves as humanly possible without being completely unacceptable.

All three of us have our faults, all three of us have been through the wringer our fair share, and while I joke about the youngest never having to do dishes by hand they had their hardships that earned the Narcissist's ire.

So that begs the question, if none of us were the 'Golden Child', at least from my perspective and understanding, is it possible that there never was a 'Golden Child'? and if so, could there be something lurking under the surface that I have yet to realize?
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby Akuma » Mon Apr 02, 2018 10:33 am

"Golden child" is just a pop-psychological idea, not a reality. So its neither describing a psychological[ly accepted] fact, nor some immovable law.
So when there has been no "golden child", then theres nothing surprising about it.
Experience here has shown though that if a user shows up who is describing having obsessed over maybe being a narcissist or whatever for a logn time, then at least a big part of their problem is usually based on such obsessiveness, which usually veils the real problems that person has.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby EhNaniMouse » Mon Apr 02, 2018 11:25 am

Based on your response I should probably clarify a bit Akuma, my research into this comes on the heels of a codependent people pleaser type diagnosis I had received a little over four months ago. The long term obsession I had was to not be like my parents, or more specifically, not to treat my future children like my parents treated me.
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby julllia » Mon Apr 02, 2018 11:37 am

i wonder about this too. i think is can be 'no static'. i think i am both also, i can find traits of both descriptions in me.
also i don't think that the golden child always ends up as narcissist and the scapegoat as the most empathetic.
if i judge from relatives i think the golden child can be the codependent who always says yes and the scapegoet that has been abused become the abuser because of it, as adults.
or in my personal examples maybe 2 parents treat differently the children and got divorced.
or the smallest child is more favorite.
i read about the terms but if i try to apply it in every day people,there is always an adjustment into the specific case.is not exactly how you read it, although you can find relatable parts that will make sense.

-- Mon Apr 02, 2018 1:44 pm --

if you understand narcissistic mentality. and black and white thinking. either you are all good or all bad. then simply you can have this conclusion .the enabler gets treated best.
but does the enabler become a narcissist always?,he could become a codependent also. the trauma might make him loose empathy both opposite ways.(either become the abuser or the enabler of abusers)
as the scapegoat who says "no" can be because he is not an enabler/has more empathy,the abuse that he is having because he is not an enabler can make him narcissistic too,and very cruel
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby Akuma » Tue Apr 03, 2018 4:33 am

EhNaniMouse wrote:Based on your response I should probably clarify a bit Akuma, my research into this comes on the heels of a codependent people pleaser type diagnosis I had received a little over four months ago.


"Codependent people pleaser type" is not a diagnosis. You should fire whoever gave it to you and get a trained professional.

The long term obsession I had was to not be like my parents, or more specifically, not to treat my future children like my parents treated me.


Well thats narcissistic in its own way, because its more about you than about your kids. Even if you manage to not be like your parents in every way you could still end up being a crap parent in limitless other ways. In my view thats a waste of time. Concentrate on what you do want to be like, not on what you dont want; on what you can do to enable your kids to become what they aspire to.
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby EhNaniMouse » Tue Apr 03, 2018 11:46 am

I appreciate the input but I'm not exactly in a position to 'Fire' them at present, kinda had my feet swept out from under me over the last few years and frankly I'm still reeling. My doctor also tends to avoid speaking in absolutes, so it's been very hard to nail down exactly what's wrong without blindly fumbling around on my own and asking pointed questions until I get a solid answer.

While I appreciate the insight I fail to see how that mindset, at such an early age, could possibly have been self-aligned, and yes, I understand that even managing to avoid being them I could still be a terrible parent, but that's not a concern as at this stage I'm never going to allow myself to have guardianship of a child, full-stop.

Now, I do appreciate you taking your time to disassemble the situation, and your insight regarding the absence of a "Golden Child" isn't something specific to hone in on, but I'm not one to misery measure. I'm sure everyone and their dog have had their problems in life and frankly I'm tired of telling my story, I'm no different, I just wanted to know if I needed to be more concerned about my siblings than I already am as I move towards reducing my direct contact and taking back control of my life.
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby julllia » Tue Apr 03, 2018 11:54 am

If the narcissistic parent has a "you are with me or against me " mentality.
You get abused if you agree with him and you get abused if you don't.
If you don't enable him you get hurt and you are the enemy,if you enable him you lose your independence and identity and get hurt again.
Either he favors you or not ,whatever you do you end up hurt

-- Tue Apr 03, 2018 1:57 pm --

So i am guessing in therapy you have to learn how to be in a healthy relationship with boundaries and not black and white thinking?
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby EhNaniMouse » Tue Apr 03, 2018 11:43 pm

Right now I'm learning how to stick to my boundaries and act on what I want as opposed to what others want, largely my family, biggest problem I face is that my emotions are buried beneath so many layers of toxic dregs that they often come up poisoned on their own, that and a complete lack of self as I understand it.

Before I went down this rabbit hole a few months ago I tried to quantify it in words to my therapist that I could relate to (this was about two years ago at this point.) and the best way I could describe it was being a 'Sim' from 'The Sims'. Long story short I questioned my own existence and still do to this day, not in the physical, if I pinch myself I still feel it, but the whole idea of "Me" seems to lie in pieces at my feet.

Thank you for taking the time to understand what's going on but as I said to Akuma I don't want to march down this road again, as everyone's got their lumps and misery measuring really doesn't help. I really only wanted to know if there was another vector of attack that I haven't identified accurately before I begin the separation process.
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby Knoxious » Wed Apr 04, 2018 12:25 am

Have you tried family therapy?

I've tried it once before and it was honestly eye opening. My doctor pegged my mom as being jealous that me and my dad do so many activities together. Although it wasn't ground breaking, it did help me understand her.

It's crazy how much you can still learn about people so close to you.
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby EhNaniMouse » Wed Apr 04, 2018 1:34 am

Knoxious, while I don't dispute the effectiveness of that option, the odds of me getting them within the direct line of fire of anyone who's able to psychoanalyze them is nigh impossible. My only realistic option at this point is to put as much distance as possible between us in order to enforce boundaries, make it as prohibitive as possible for them to interfere in my life and the lives of those I associate with.
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