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Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby Knoxious » Wed Apr 04, 2018 3:52 am

Sorry - I hadn't read all of your posts prior to posting.

Well, you seem to be a good writer. And you say you're very independent. I guess you're already standing on the path you want to take in this relationship.

In regards to your original question, i don't think having a golden child is a necessary aspect of narcissism. Nothing is so cut and dry; people are complex.

What do you think is lurking under the surface that you are "yet to realize"? Because i know you have an idea. Does it have to do with how you feel like a sims character?

You seem to have a lot of questions that are coming up as the conversation progresses. Is there one, underneath it all, that you are just aching to find a solution to, that hasn't yet been mentioned?
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby Mumatthebeach » Wed Apr 04, 2018 3:59 am

Hi, my parents are both narcs. At 41, I’ve been diagnosed with BPD and my sis is OCD. I kinda was the golden child but I’m not really sure anymore. I used to idolise my dad and I thought we had this deep connection but he doesn’t really connect with people, neither does my mom. I’m not sure anyone is textbook anything. My parents don’t mean to hurt anyone - they just do. I think my nana was way different - she definitely went out of the house each day to hurt people but here again I don’t think she had any insight into it and neither does my uncle who is clearly a malignant narcissist.

I think thinking about what you want to be is a good idea. I have two kids and I know I really want to acknowledge their feelings while giving them good boundaries. My mom will often say one is a narcissist by how they act - I’m like they are babies - aren’t all babies narcissists? So far so good - I’m raising two lovely, empathetic and happy girls. I do have a lot of anger in me though and I’m in therapy for that. If I’m off of anti-depressants, I’m the extra agitated mom to say the least. I don’t want to be that person because it will affect the girls. I also find I need to exercise, eat right and sleep well or I will be one angry mama, which I read is a typical BPD mom. Good luck!
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby EhNaniMouse » Thu Apr 05, 2018 8:49 am

Knoxious:
Here's the kicker, I was fiercely independent regardless of consequences, and practically ran for the door the first reasonable chance I got surprising both of them. However, I've always been empowered by music, on paper it sounds great. Unfortunately one of those songs got me to thinking that I should try to patch the distance between us about 10 years after I went to "Holiday Only" contact levels and well, here we are.

Here's the thing, I'm never sure, I may sound like I've got everything in hand, but I guarantee you it's a duck situation. So when I say things like that, I'm not alluding to some hidden gem of knowledge I am keeping from others, I'll tell you blatantly if I'm withholding something and why, that statement is more along the lines of a caveat: this is what I think but I'm open to being wrong.

As for the questions coming up, yes, I appreciate everyone trying to help find the root of these problems but as I've said to others, I'm not here to misery measure. At this time as cold as it may sound, I don't think it benefits any of us aside from morbid curiosity to dig through my past, nor do I feel it's necessary to dig deep into my history when it's not directly related to the question.

Mumatthebeach:
Thanks for the vote of confidence, I'm not going to be risking kids myself, and I'm well aware that they might not be intentionally destructive; however, I can no longer afford to give them chances after the tailspin I'm in from allowing them more sway in my life.
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby Mumatthebeach » Fri Apr 06, 2018 6:15 am

[*]

As for the questions coming up, yes, I appreciate everyone trying to help find the root of these problems but as I've said to others, I'm not here to misery measure. At this time as cold as it may sound, I don't think it benefits any of us aside from morbid curiosity to dig through my past, nor do I feel it's necessary to dig deep into my history when it's not directly related to the question.

Mumatthebeach:
Thanks for the vote of confidence, I'm not going to be risking kids myself, and I'm well aware that they might not be intentionally destructive; however, I can no longer afford to give them chances after the tailspin I'm in from allowing them more sway in my life.[/quote]

Hi, apology for the bad formatting. You seem to be reacting instead of responding to the questions here. Do you feel you do this with your parents? Do they do this with you? Is that the prob? My sis gets in s tailspin with my parents too for weeks. I don’t as I think it’s the BPD that makes me not care at all. But my sis really struggles mega so I do see where you are coming from.
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby EhNaniMouse » Fri Apr 06, 2018 10:17 pm

Good Afternoon Mumatthebeach;

Is there a difference between responding and reacting? As of right now I'm responding to the questions posed to me and then re-affirming the primary topic to keep the focus on the question rather than my past. It's one of those tricks I've picked up over the years trying to manage client expectations as a programmer but it seems to be failing me at this time.

Sadly I'm not talking about a fast or brief period, this whole mess is going on 8 years now and I'm currently at the lowest point and trying to find a way out. I guess that's what's so insidious about this is that it doesn't start fast, or has immediate noticeable effects, but leads to very big things that have ruined my life.

And now I know the above is going to spark yet another question so I might as well beat that one to the punch, but hopefully this is the last story so we can stay as close to topic as possible.

It all started about six years ago, I'd been slowly controlling the amount my parents had been let back into my life for about two years at this point and I was living alone, on a sustainable and not exorbitant salary. At that time; however, the house I was living in finally gave up the ghost, a large crack had formed in the wall about an inch wide and I knew it was time to tear the place down and rebuild.

At this point, I spoke to one of my parents who had a lot of experience regarding home construction in hopes of securing a reliable contractor who'd build to my specifications and not putz around for longer than necessary. At this point, they decided to throw at me the idea of building it ourselves, I wasn't sold, but instead got dragged along and harassed until I finally caved on the idea, I mean how hard can it be to build a small house?

Oh boy was that a thought I would quickly regret.

First sign of real trouble was the planning process, at this point I kick myself for not pulling the plug right then and there but I still thought they'd changed and were actually looking at things with me in mind, I learned the hard way that they weren't. I was completely excluded from the planning phase and while I repeatedly told them to look for floor plans that were small and affordable... well that's not what they pulled out of the pile.

To this day, I don't know why they chose the monster house they did, beyond "Resale Value" which are two words that instantly spark anger in me now thanks to this. I suspect it also had the secondary effect of being too expensive a house to run on a single income, requiring dual incomes, which set up a dependency for someone else to have to support this beast. Either way I'm not sure so I can't put more than a suspicion on this part but I wouldn't put it past them frankly.

The house that came out was a Four Bedroom, Two Bathroom, Full Kitchen, Living Room, Den, and decently sized machine / laundry room. The taxes on this thing are insane, and despite putting in excellent insulation (R24 in the walls, roughly R30-36 in the ceiling) the costs to run this place are just insane compared to my old house.

Through it all I had to cancel therapy, spend -EVERY- waking moment either at work, or working on this house with one of my parents, and the majority of the remainder of the family kept as much distance as possible from the work site lest they be dragged into this mess.

So there I was, trapped, I had no home so I had to stay with my parents during this ordeal, and my only way out was to do something I absolutely hated with someone I would force myself to get along with because they were family.

Two years,it took two years of back-breaking labor after mind-breaking programming, all vacation time was sequestered to building this monster, and it still isn't completely finished to this day, nobody can be bothered to even finish it off.

I hated the house, I hated everything about it, and no matter how much they extolled the virtues of the building I saw it for what it was: a vanity project for them. Several times throughout the build process I contemplated just ending it all, and even after I've been close a few times.

At that point though, I wasn't paying a huge sum in bills and taxes because it was still a lot under construction, so whenever I could escape I would, all that changed once the building was livable. The first year alone dove me into debt and had me on my knees begging my boss for a raise, something I despise doing because I believe raises should be earned through recognizable work ethic and not through pity.

Even that though only postponed the inevitable as I slowly degraded in a pit of self-loathing as I could no longer escape when I wanted to due to budget constraints and other problems cropping up. All I could do was sit and rot, and it destroyed my ability to function at work eventually, I burned out hard, after years of working non-stop and having to put up with everything I just crashed. I couldn't even get off the bus the day it hit, I just sat there quietly sobbing in the corner, riding the bus back around.

I fought back of course, I wasn't going to let the one thing that I could take pride in fall to the wayside without a fight, I kept pushing to go to work, forcing my legs forward, but I couldn't make it on time, later and later I would show up if I showed up at all and eventually I took a 6 month leave of absence to try and sort things out.

During this time, it was suggested that my sibling and their partner move into the basement by my parents, I hadn't had any problems with them since childhood so I had no issue at first, they keep to their area, I keep to mine and everyone stays happy right?

Originally it was just them, then they got a hand-me-down cat from my parents that they take care of, then they decided to bring a stray pregnant cat home because it would have been put down if they'd turned it over to a shelter, litter of four, three got given away, the remaining two stayed here.

There were two problems with the cat situation, not once was I asked whether or not it was OK to bring cats in (personally I don't mind cats, but the assumption is what burns me in this situation.) And two is that the cats are HIGHLY destructive, they claw walls, they claw furniture, my dining room chairs are ruined thanks to them, as well as several walls down towards the basement, making it look like there were miniature Freddy Krugers living down there.

On top of that, they have a tendency to not lock the doors despite repeated reminders when they neglect to do so, leading to someone literally walking in and stealing over a thousand dollars worth of stuff from me.

After the leave I was somewhat refreshed but after a few months problems cropped up again, absences added up and I couldn't pretend any longer, I forced myself again, trying desperately to get to work on time and able but eventually it just fell apart and they had to let me go.

So now I sit, trying to pull myself together after this house has destroyed me, I look for jobs, then become terrified that I won't be able to handle them like my last job and just burn out again, I plan to sell the house and keep thinking of all the unfinished junk that needs to be dealt with around before I can even do that.

All in all I'm at fault for not putting my foot down and saying no, I have accepted that fact, and by continuing to keep this house I'm continuing my own suffering, those choices to this point have been mine. Those choices I will have to rectify and while I would love to turn back the clock knowing what I know now about how this whole mess will turn out, I can't, I have to take my lumps and move on with my life.
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby Eight » Sat Apr 07, 2018 3:24 am

Finish the house sufficiently to sell it for a good price.
Sell it as soon as possible.
Buy a small house that you can afford, putting distance between your family and yourself. Go back to very limited contact. You need that, especially now.
From there, start anew. Get therapy. Get personal strength. Forget about who is/isn't/is there a Golden Child - that's a distraction at this point.
Get a decent job.
Rebuild your life. As you do so, you'll get the answers you seek, at least the most important answers. And you'll be surprised that your questions change.
Stop rummaging amongst the past. Your answer, right now, aren't there. You understand the situation sufficiently for you to stop now. Continuing to rummage is a waste of your current time. You are in a bad position. Change that soon by doing the above.
I understand, and I wish you well.
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby EhNaniMouse » Sat Apr 07, 2018 8:50 am

Good day Eight;

This whole ordeal has pretty much turfed my options for small house, seems that everyone's got big houses on the brain when making them, I mean why not maximize profit on the lot you have if you're going to sell it.

My best bet is to go apartment if nothing else but to escape this environment I'm in, but I'm weighing my options, and while yes I am spending time with this concern, it's only because I can't move at the moment, I need to grade the land in order to sell the house and that has to wait until the benighted ground thaws.

So I'm laying groundwork, casting out for different options, talking to people I know I can trust, and barring that applying a significant amount of obfuscation on my activities to prevent them from eavesdropping, I'm just bloody glad they no longer have access to E911 databases.

The greatest Irony is that I've been fighting this entire thread to avoid delving into the past boogeymen as it's not something I was concerned with immediately, believe me when I say that the recent stuff is not the most scarring (even if it is the most financially debilitating) event involving my family and I.

As for therapy, I'm already working with a doc care of a few close calls related to my breakdown, hence why I know affirmatively that I'm at least codependent and they've also agreed that I spend way too much energy trying to make others happy before myself, but the kicker with this is they tend to keep the cards really close to their chest, so it's anyone's guess what they're thinking.

Finally, thank you for your response, I'm beginning to wonder if there's some textbook out there somewhere with a similar answer to the one you've given me because you're now the fourth person who's advised me to get outta dodge as quickly as possible when presented with the above.
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby Eight » Sat Apr 07, 2018 4:05 pm

EhNaniMouse wrote:Finally, thank you for your response, I'm beginning to wonder if there's some textbook out there somewhere with a similar answer to the one you've given me because you're now the fourth person who's advised me to get outta dodge as quickly as possible when presented with the above.


Probably no textbook :) but more common sense?
If 4 people have advised the same thing, maybe it's an indication that you should consider it good advice?
You won't be able to think clearly enough about the family dynamics, and your own part that you play in those, until you've distanced yourself sufficiently from them. I hope that happens for you.
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby Mumatthebeach » Sun Apr 08, 2018 8:04 am

Good luck with making progress! I have a friend with a similar experience - instead of going to therapy, she thought moving in with her parents would help her heal her childhood wounds and get closure, etc. Boy, was that a shitfest! I think some people do this while others find partners similar to their parents and do the same thing. Both ways you end up really disappointed.

I totally agree with getting distance. Once some time and space happens, you will be able to deal with the past better and hopefully heal. There is nothing more disappointing then a narc parent b/c you can’t even put your finger on anything wrong b/c they won’t let you and they will never be wrong. It’s tough. I realised a long time ago that my parents were messed up and there was nothing I could do, but everyone has their own epiphany. Mine was when my mom wouldn’t take me to the library when I was 10 years old b/c she didn’t want her child to be too odd and too smart. I ended up walking with tons of books home on a super dangerous road knowing that my mom just wasn’t right in the head!
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Re: Is it possible to have no static 'Golden Child'

Postby julllia » Sun Apr 08, 2018 8:09 am

^i completely agree with this.
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