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love bombing

Postby LachrymosePhoenix » Sun Feb 11, 2018 9:06 am

As a non-narc who has a bit of an obsession with narcissists I was wondering about love bombing.

Is this something you do intentionally? When does it get old for you? What methods do you use to love bomb a person and for what reason?

Do you ever find yourself love bomving unintentionally? Do you actually jave an infatuation with a peraon that is short lived?

Do you always devalue a person afterwards? How and why? Was there ever a target that you love bombed but did not feel the need to devalue?
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Re: love bombing

Postby ZombieZ » Sun Feb 11, 2018 6:50 pm

I’m interested in seeing what some on here will say, I have done this in practically every relationship I have been in where I liked or valued them a lot although at the time I didn’t know there was an actual name for it at the time. It was just my natural reaction not premeditated, I was trying to draw them in quickly before they could meet someone else because I liked or valued them a lot initially. As time passes I realize they aren’t as perfect as I thought and I guess I start devaluing them, not intentionally I just start losing interest in them next I stop having sex with them which may be some sort of power trip I’m not exactly sure? Then cut them off emotionally completely then either cut contract completely or break it off or drive them to do it. I never really knew why I acted this way and still not sure really I have driven a lot of women running away by love bombing them too much. Rinse and repeat over and over again with no end in sight. Good luck
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Re: love bombing

Postby Akuma » Mon Feb 12, 2018 6:49 am

I think its first of all necessary to divide clearly, because "love-bombing" can be a quite natural occurance, when people are in love.
Anyways, its an interesting question, because its something that pops up on the web quite often in regards to "narcissists", while it doesnt pop up like that in psychological literature about narcissism.
Which raises the question why narcissists supposedly love-bomb.
Is it out of an acceptance of needing someone? That would be very antinarcissistic.
Manipulative? That also is not narcissistic.
Out of an prolonged phase of being in-love? That might be true but then, eventhough there might be a prolonging, the action itself isnt based on narcissism.
Finally because of actually loving the other person? lol.
I think a narcissist love-bombing is pretty hard to imagine. A person that is convinced he needs noone and is perfect, why would he approach some inferior being with promises of love and proofs of affection? Doesnt make sense.
Nah I think something else is going on. I've had a BPD woman many years ago who was in love with me and among other things was convinced I would be interested in her, and that I was flirting with her. She told me on several occasions how effective my "flirting" would be to make her more interested in me. Problem was, I wasnt interested at all, I was deeply in love with a guy in school at that time.
Its rather well-known that borderliners have trouble with mentalizing because of their splitting and projection running ampant, so quite frankly I think that a lot of "love-bombing" is a misperception of an other who is painted all-white. Then something happens, splitting gets inverted and suddenly the person is all-black. The person really hasnt changed much, your perception has. In a way this is like when Nons fall out of love and suddenly the become aware of the quirks of the other, just that here all the good stuff is now deleted.
Now if you are actually together with a pwGNPD of course in the moment you stop mirroring the grandiosity, so the pwNPD will become annoyed and withdraw.
Thats usually where a lot of people say theres an oscillation then, I havent experienced this, many others here have not either, but sopposedly it starts then. Lachkar writes that

Unable to withstand the threat of abandonment, the borderline reacts with endless apologies
and make-believe promises orchestrated merely to woo back the narcissist.
Because the borderline’s exquisite false self is very believable, the narcissist
returns to the borderline not only out of guilt but under the persuasion
that the borderline will fulfill his or her promises and take care of the
narcissist’s needs.


so this then would be the active, BPDish version of love-bombing. And In BPD it makes a lot of sense, there is a fear of the person abandoning you, so you bombard the person with "love" hoping they stay.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: love bombing

Postby ZombieZ » Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:52 am

Akuma wrote:I think its first of all necessary to divide clearly, because "love-bombing" can be a quite natural occurance, when people are in love.
Anyways, its an interesting question, because its something that pops up on the web quite often in regards to "narcissists", while it doesnt pop up like that in psychological literature about narcissism.
Which raises the question why narcissists supposedly love-bomb.
Is it out of an acceptance of needing someone? That would be very antinarcissistic.
Manipulative? That also is not narcissistic.
Out of an prolonged phase of being in-love? That might be true but then, eventhough there might be a prolonging, the action itself isnt based on narcissism.
Finally because of actually loving the other person? lol.
I think a narcissist love-bombing is pretty hard to imagine. A person that is convinced he needs noone and is perfect, why would he approach some inferior being with promises of love and proofs of affection? Doesnt make sense.
Nah I think something else is going on. I've had a BPD woman many years ago who was in love with me and among other things was convinced I would be interested in her, and that I was flirting with her. She told me on several occasions how effective my "flirting" would be to make her more interested in me. Problem was, I wasnt interested at all, I was deeply in love with a guy in school at that time.
Its rather well-known that borderliners have trouble with mentalizing because of their splitting and projection running ampant, so quite frankly I think that a lot of "love-bombing" is a misperception of an other who is painted all-white. Then something happens, splitting gets inverted and suddenly the person is all-black. The person really hasnt changed much, your perception has. In a way this is like when Nons fall out of love and suddenly the become aware of the quirks of the other, just that here all the good stuff is now deleted.
Now if you are actually together with a pwGNPD of course in the moment you stop mirroring the grandiosity, so the pwNPD will become annoyed and withdraw.
Thats usually where a lot of people say theres an oscillation then, I havent experienced this, many others here have not either, but sopposedly it starts then. Lachkar writes that

Unable to withstand the threat of abandonment, the borderline reacts with endless apologies
and make-believe promises orchestrated merely to woo back the narcissist.
Because the borderline’s exquisite false self is very believable, the narcissist
returns to the borderline not only out of guilt but under the persuasion
that the borderline will fulfill his or her promises and take care of the
narcissist’s needs.


so this then would be the active, BPDish version Wof love-bombing. And In BPD it makes a lot of sense, there is a fear of the person abandoning you, so you bombard the person with "love" hoping they stay.



So you don’t believe Narcissist need Narcissistic supply or fuel from people, I like getting attention from many women at the same time it’s what gives me fuel or makes me feel good. It can be a sexual relationship or it can be getting texts or pictures basically any attention from attractive women will do it for me. Does that sound Narcissist? If I’m getting it I feel great if not I withdraw and go into a depression. Also I thought NPD and BPD share and overlap a lot of traits and a lot of people with one will have a lot of traits of the other?
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Re: love bombing

Postby ZombieZ » Mon Feb 12, 2018 12:32 pm

Tried to edit that after I read your post again, so you think the love bombing and devaluation etc is more in line with BPD. So you don’t experience the need for “narcissistic fuel” as it’s called?
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Re: love bombing

Postby Akuma » Mon Feb 12, 2018 2:44 pm

Zombieprepper wrote:So you don’t believe Narcissist need Narcissistic supply or fuel from people


The term narcissistic supply - in the context of what he called fixation on the narcissistic level - comes from a book in the 40s by Otto Fenichel. Apart from that single use to my knowledge none of the experts on narcissism use(d) that term at all, because it distorts the reality of the illness and because this term itself is applicable to every human being. Just imagine a world where suddenly noone recognizes anymore what you do or achieve and noone tells you anything nice anymore or doesnt compliment you anymore.

I like getting attention from many women at the same time it’s what gives me fuel or makes me feel good. It can be a sexual relationship or it can be getting texts or pictures basically any attention from attractive women will do it for me. Does that sound Narcissist?


Attention-seeking and gender-related; sounds histrionic to me.

Also I thought NPD and BPD share and overlap a lot of traits and a lot of people with one will have a lot of traits of the other?


You can have BPD with narcissistic traits, ergo usign narcissistic defenses, but not the other way around, because the NPD grandiose self creates a stability that makes it impossible to be as fragmented as a pwBPD.

so you think the love bombing and devaluation etc is more in line with BPD


In your case you basically spill it out that you dont want to loose them, so you love bomb them. thats pretty much abandonment-fear / attachment-disorder territory.

So you don’t experience the need for “narcissistic fuel” as it’s called?


No.
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Re: love bombing

Postby judderbar » Fri Feb 16, 2018 10:40 am

Akuma wrote:
Zombieprepper wrote:So you don’t believe Narcissist need Narcissistic supply or fuel from people


The term narcissistic supply - in the context of what he called fixation on the narcissistic level - comes from a book in the 40s by Otto Fenichel. Apart from that single use to my knowledge none of the experts on narcissism use(d) that term at all, because it distorts the reality of the illness and because this term itself is applicable to every human being. Just imagine a world where suddenly noone recognizes anymore what you do or achieve and noone tells you anything nice anymore or doesnt compliment you anymore.

So you don’t experience the need for “narcissistic fuel” as it’s called?


No.


Hi Akuma,

Can you clarify what you are saying please. You say we all need narcissitic supply and then say you dont need it yourself.

I agree quite strongly we all need this supply - one way or another. A world totally without people would I think be a rather lonely place for the great majority of the population.
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Re: love bombing

Postby LachrymosePhoenix » Sat Feb 17, 2018 2:49 am

Akuma wrote:I think its first of all necessary to divide clearly, because "love-bombing" can be a quite natural occurance, when people are in love.
Anyways, its an interesting question, because its something that pops up on the web quite often in regards to "narcissists", while it doesnt pop up like that in psychological literature about narcissism.
Which raises the question why narcissists supposedly love-bomb.
Is it out of an acceptance of needing someone? That would be very antinarcissistic.
Manipulative? That also is not narcissistic.
Out of an prolonged phase of being in-love? That might be true but then, eventhough there might be a prolonging, the action itself isnt based on narcissism.
Finally because of actually loving the other person? lol.
I think a narcissist love-bombing is pretty hard to imagine. A person that is convinced he needs noone and is perfect, why would he approach some inferior being with promises of love and proofs of affection? Doesnt make sense.
Nah I think something else is going on. I've had a BPD woman many years ago who was in love with me and among other things was convinced I would be interested in her, and that I was flirting with her. She told me on several occasions how effective my "flirting" would be to make her more interested in me. Problem was, I wasnt interested at all, I was deeply in love with a guy in school at that time.
Its rather well-known that borderliners have trouble with mentalizing because of their splitting and projection running ampant, so quite frankly I think that a lot of "love-bombing" is a misperception of an other who is painted all-white. Then something happens, splitting gets inverted and suddenly the person is all-black. The person really hasnt changed much, your perception has. In a way this is like when Nons fall out of love and suddenly the become aware of the quirks of the other, just that here all the good stuff is now deleted.
Now if you are actually together with a pwGNPD of course in the moment you stop mirroring the grandiosity, so the pwNPD will become annoyed and withdraw.
Thats usually where a lot of people say theres an oscillation then, I havent experienced this, many others here have not either, but sopposedly it starts then. Lachkar writes that

Unable to withstand the threat of abandonment, the borderline reacts with endless apologies
and make-believe promises orchestrated merely to woo back the narcissist.
Because the borderline’s exquisite false self is very believable, the narcissist
returns to the borderline not only out of guilt but under the persuasion
that the borderline will fulfill his or her promises and take care of the
narcissist’s needs.


so this then would be the active, BPDish version of love-bombing. And In BPD it makes a lot of sense, there is a fear of the person abandoning you, so you bombard the person with "love" hoping they stay.


It seems to be an unintentional behavior pattern. From my experience in being love-bombed it is not about them needing another person but about them believing they deserve this person's attention. Some narcissists may feel they need someone though, for instance, if that person is directly tied to their delusions of grandiose or directly related to the underlieing trauma that may have sparked the condition initially. Borderline's are very much different from narcissists. While they may have similar diagnostic criteria because they are in the same cluster, BPD presents very much differently from NPD. In my experience, BPD's are obviously needy and become ornery when they don't get what they need.NPD's appear to need nobody, until they actually have nobody and then they become desperate for attention. I'm sure this is why people call it "narcisistic supply" though I've never agreed with term.
"love bombing" does seem to happen in neurotypicals too. I do it to my friends all the time. Not because I want them to like me but becuase I want them to like themselves. It's also a technique that can be very effective when thrown back at a narcisist. It becomes a fight for control. It keeps their attention for a time, and if it's withdrawn before they lose interest, they may desperatly try to get it back by reversing the behavior back to you. Not sure if this is true for all NPD's. It's just what I've noticed for the ones in my life.
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Re: love bombing

Postby SOTS » Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:13 pm

Manipulative? That also is not narcissistic.

Oh, come on, lol. Narcissists most certainly ARE manipulative. They're master manipulators.

OP, I've been love bombed. It sweeps you right off your feet. Some people do it with insincere intention (manipulation) but some, including some NPDs, are caught up in that ideal love thing, putting the love object on the pedestal (with an NPD, only later to knock you off). Of course, cults consciously use it as a technique to rope in the vulnerable, particularly those who don't feel loved or a part of something.

I find it to be a complicated topic because hormones also enter the picture. People lose their minds when they fall "in love" (infatuation) and a lot of that is biochemistry. Add a PD into the mix and things reach a whole other level and it does not end well.
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Re: love bombing

Postby KvotheTheRaven » Tue Feb 27, 2018 11:07 am

In my case, both types apply. It's either a manipulation technique or its because someone is on my pedestal (and eventually get knocked off by me).

Sometimes the manipulation (which is usually "let's see how fast I can get them to like me) turns genuine and I like them then they go on the pedestal but not many have managed to stay there and usually I get bitter with them when they do something that makes me have to throw them off.
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