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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby shanzeek » Sun Dec 10, 2017 5:53 pm

Hebi wrote:That’s one of the ways I justify it actually.... because I’ve been nosy in the past and found things that exes did. But my bf knows about it, and agreed to it... and he’s literally never brought it up out of anger or anything. He’s completely ok with it, unless he’s really good at hiding it.

I don’t know. I kind feel like you have to go with your gut sometimes. If someone has made themselves untrustworthy, then they can’t be mad when someone breaks their own trust to prove it :P


By the time I did this, all the trust we had in a rl was long gone, he often lied, about everything, so I wanted a real proof so I can move on with my life.
I now have some serious distrust issues and feel sorry for all the future boyfriends that will probably suffer the consequences of this past relationship.
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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby sorrynotsorry » Sun Dec 10, 2017 10:43 pm

Hebi wrote:
sorrynotsorry wrote: I made a post about it in the BPD forum. When I date a vanilla non narc, I get bored quickly and I miss the weird aspects of my relationship with my N. Like the fact we use the locators on our phone and he uses words like soul mate.


Hey, sorry not sorry, where’s that post at that you posted in BPD forum? I like to track my bf too :twisted:


Mods have yet to approve my post or I didn’t get notified. Sort of disheartening. The N is the one who pushed the locator thing because of our D/s dynamic. Sometimes I think it’s to throw me off. I think he mostly gets his other supply from other women like me, long distance over text. So he can give me a false sense of security with the locator. I found myself stalking him ALOT. I have zero evidence he has ever cheated on me. But as it goes with BPD and dating an N I don’t know where my trust issues start and his lies end, and I don’t know where those things intersect. I straight out told him he was a narcissist, asked him if he love bombed other women and he denied it. He was giving me the silent treatment and was only engaged in convo with me because I threatened him during an episode of rage.
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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby sorrynotsorry » Sun Dec 10, 2017 11:07 pm

Biggirlscry wrote:Very very eerie... it is as if you are describing my last relationship with my NPD ex-bf. I believe that most pwNPD are not self-aware nor particularly interested in being so. And particularly in the current climate with Donald Trump, identifying as a Narcissist I suspect would be difficult, however the NPD forum members here would be better suited to elaborating on the degree of self-awareness most pwNPD might have or want to have. So your bf I suspect is not unusual in that regard. But his self-awareness although it would be beneficial, is not as important as yours. I found it helpful to understand the dynamic and the behaviours. It also helped to assure me that he would be back, which he was 9 months later as yours will be too. My ex also told me from the start that we are soulmates and we have had very very similar experiences, and are both equally adventurous and experienced sexually.

And incidentally I agree whole heartedly about choosing my NPD ex-bf anyday over my ex-husband. Nons bore me to tears, not to mention they all want to fawn over me and chase me and that puts me right off. My NPD ex did that at first too.... and I was not all that interested in him for the first two months although we were dating, but I was also seeing several other men at the time. It wasn't until I raged at him the first time and he rose up and dominated the hell out of me that I took notice..... FINALLY!! This is what I was waiting for from him. Mind you the sex was fantastic from the start even at the beginning because he was very sadistic and dominant in bed.... but it took 2 months before he fully dominated me outside of that. I am an uncommonly attractive woman for my age ( I look 35 despite my 49 years) with a very retro pinup starlet look about me and a figure of the same era consequently I get an excessive amount of male attention. So much so that I take male interest for granted and most men bore me.... there has to be something more, and more importantly they have to be dominant enough to handle me and to put me in my place. If I can walk all over them, I just walk away.

So yes, he understood me and what I needed in a way alot of non-males do not and I understood and loved him inspite of all his lies and manipulations, because I know him, I see him and I see the wounded little boy inside him..... I understood the facade he wears and it matters not to me now although at one time I was flummoxed by it all..... now I would be willing to accept even his lies and cheating the same way he came back to me and accepted my destructive behaviours. I have also been discarded for the moment.... but only for the moment because he can't stay away from me, and he will be back as surely as the sun rises in the morning, this I know beyond a doubt. Push - pull, attraction - repulsion, it is all just a matter of time.


We have a lot of similarities. I turned to the lifestyle because of the fawning and eagerness of men. I’m quite attractive, more in a flippant sort of way, I don’t put much effort into it other than yoga five times a week to make my body really fit. I also got my boobs done. I see my appearance as one of my only sources of power but I do not find myself attracted to men who are too obviously disarmed by it, if that makes any sense.

I’m concerned about my relationship with the N mostly because I have children. Two sons. I know that it’s unhealthy and that it’s effect on me is unhealthy. It’s not to say I don’t have an unhealthy reaction after every failed affair, I do, but with the N it’s pretty jarring to my life. So I’d like the willpower to end it, but again I’m left with that whole how do I date a non narc vanilla guy problem. And my predicament persists in that I don’t want to be alone, but I also don’t want to destroy some unsuspecting co-dependent, and I don’t want to be destroyed by the N, or the others like him that aren’t as severe. Every man I seem to date has narcissistic tendencies but only he is an actual N. It’s so exhausting going in circles like this.
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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby Biggirlscry » Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:49 pm

sorrynotsorry wrote:We have a lot of similarities. I turned to the lifestyle because of the fawning and eagerness of men. I’m quite attractive, more in a flippant sort of way, I don’t put much effort into it other than yoga five times a week to make my body really fit. I also got my boobs done. I see my appearance as one of my only sources of power but I do not find myself attracted to men who are too obviously disarmed by it, if that makes any sense.

I’m concerned about my relationship with the N mostly because I have children. Two sons. I know that it’s unhealthy and that it’s effect on me is unhealthy. It’s not to say I don’t have an unhealthy reaction after every failed affair, I do, but with the N it’s pretty jarring to my life. So I’d like the willpower to end it, but again I’m left with that whole how do I date a non narc vanilla guy problem. And my predicament persists in that I don’t want to be alone, but I also don’t want to destroy some unsuspecting co-dependent, and I don’t want to be destroyed by the N, or the others like him that aren’t as severe. Every man I seem to date has narcissistic tendencies but only he is an actual N. It’s so exhausting going in circles like this.


It makes perfect sense.... part of being submissive is seeking out the approval of your Dom and allowing "power-over" you rather than you holding "power-over" someone else. When someone is too enamored of your looks, you have a degree of "power-over" them. This is why for me, my beauty is a complicated cookie. On the one hand it is a priviledge and a tool I wield to garner and attract interest from men, but on the other hand if they are too eager and enamored and seek to please me it throws off the D/s dynamic and I am not interested.

I understand how having children is a beacon to draw us to choose the path of wellness, as I have 3 kids myself for whom I want to remain stable, healthy and care for. But it is a very complicated soup, and I have found that doing something for another person creates more resentment than success. I need to do things for me because I want to. However, this is a journey of growth and learning and so I try not to pressure and force expectations upon myself because I just get more upset if I do. So I may never work or sort this one out, or the solution and will may be right around the corner..... I am a yoga instructor so like you who also does yoga, we are bombarded in that world by the myriad yoga philosophies of which non-attachment is one. I REALLY struggle with this one. I recognize how following that tenet may reduce suffering, but it seems so wrong to me. LIFE IS SUFFERING! ... and happiness and work and a myriad of other things. But my reason for being and living is the attachment that I have with others. Attachments for me to family, friends and yes especially to a SO are the most important things in my life. To advocate non-attachment even if it ultimately reduces suffering seems so inhumane. But then, maybe I am understanding the philosophy all wrong.

So at the moment in my situation, I am collecting data, learning about myself and my ex-bf... trying to understand, allowing time to heal the hurt, and allow it to play out. I know when he comes back I will go back, for me to say otherwise is a lie and so I have accepted that, have given myself permission to do that, with the concession that maybe one day I am well enough to walk away even if I am not at this moment. And if I am never well? if I run this unhealthy toxic pattern over and over again until I die? That is ok too... life is a journey of learning, and I guess I will just have to work on that one in the next lifetime. ;)
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Other PD and NPD Relationship support

Postby mark1958 » Tue Dec 12, 2017 2:57 pm

This is the sub- forum/thread for individuals who have Personality Disorders that are involved or had been involved in relationship with people who they believe are NPD. All questions and discussion will be limited to this thread.

Please note that relationship discussion can be highly charged and triggering for those respective individuals. While we respect all individuals who may have a personality disorder, this is the support forum for NPD. Therefore, all NPD forum members are to be treated with courtesy and respect. Please try to avoid aggressive and attacking dialogue. If you can post here and offer constructive viewpoints, then utilize it. If you can not, then please stay out of this thread.

It is the Moderator's discretion to determine if posts should be moved to our Significant, Others, Family and Friends forum. In addition, posts that are deemed as too harmful for this forum may also be edited and posting privileges may be suspended.

Thank you for your consideration.

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Note: Away from the forum at this time, please contact another Moderator. Thank You

There are no failures, only lessons!
Resistance leads to suffering, acceptance leads to peace
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Re: Other PD and NPD Relationship support

Postby Mumatthebeach » Sun Mar 18, 2018 9:38 am

Hi and thanks for your feedback!

I had a horrific and messy experience with a neighbour who I believe has NPD. I'm BPD and my parents are both NPD. Any chance anyone can read the exchange below and have a think if I was wrong about the NPD. Thanks!

Our first conversation:
Me: Could we come over and tell you if your party is too loud?
N: No, (hand waving in face), let me do you one better. Here is my number, just ring it when the party is too loud. (I just go and get my phone and ring him). See it's me.

Messy sh$t

Our final conversation:
Me: I was scared of you.
N: See you said some intriguing things. I just don't see myself in that way (positive tone).
N: How was I scary? (Agitated tone)
Me: The drag racing (30mins on my street after weird misunderstanding).
N: The drag racing?
Me: anyway, take care.
N: No, you need more care than me. God bless.
Weird expressions in the coversation: You don't sound well (I had burst into tears). I was advised not to talk to you.

Any ideas? Thanks!
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Re: Other PD and NPD Relationship support

Postby Akuma » Sun Mar 18, 2018 11:48 am

Well its only snippets, but from what I gather he gave you his number and you tested it. I'm not sure whats messy about that. From the BPD perspective I would assume that you got ashamed for not trusting him and then projected your anger about yourself on him and so misinterpreted his reaction "See its me" as some kind of negative comment ?o_O?.
The second snippet seems fragmented, I dont understand at all whats going on there.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: Other PD and NPD Relationship support

Postby Mumatthebeach » Sun Mar 18, 2018 10:04 pm

Hi Akuma, thanks for your feedback. The messy bit is that I was convinced he was scary and the borderline bit was borderline pyschosis - I thought there was a demon living in him. Oh well, you lose some and you lose some.
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Re: Other PD and NPD Relationship support

Postby Akuma » Mon Mar 19, 2018 7:36 am

Mumatthebeach wrote:Hi Akuma, thanks for your feedback. The messy bit is that I was convinced he was scary and the borderline bit was borderline pyschosis - I thought there was a demon living in him. Oh well, you lose some and you lose some.


Hm psychosis doesnt sound good though. Are you in therapy?
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Re: Other PD and NPD Relationship support

Postby Mumatthebeach » Mon Mar 19, 2018 8:56 am

Yup and each week is better! No, not good but have a lot of support.
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