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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby Biggirlscry » Sat Dec 09, 2017 12:15 am

Hebi wrote:I also grew up... neglected...... Although I’ve heard pwPDs claim to have never experienced any neglect or trauma, which kind of contradicts my theory.


I was not neglected as a child, quite the opposite as I was adopted into a very loving albeit extremely controlling Catholic family. However where my abandonment fears come from is from having been put in foster care from birth to 4 months of age prior to being adopted. I used to not give this any credence, assuming that if I can't remember it, it doesn't affect me, but I now realize that that is very false. Because I believe that those 4 months when I should have been bonding with a parent, should have felt secure and loved was the birth of my BPD. That was the cause of my core wound that exists today because that insecurity, that feeling of lack of control and that abandonment fear that comes from such an early time in my life is a real struggle to overcome. So even though I was adopted into a wonderful, warm and loving family, that damage had long been already done......
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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby julllia » Sat Dec 09, 2017 12:53 am

i don't know about bpd and i know others might had it worse than me.but both of my parents have insecure attachments and definetely i had promematic enviroment factors and relationships.

i miss most of all the feeling of NEED. that you need each other.like having a purpose. that definetely goes sadistic and masochistic and addictive. for some reason i think people with secure attachments do not feel that but i am not sure.
and as ###$ up as it is,it does remind parental love to me.like you want a mom or a dad. as screwed up as this sounds.
what suprised me was the sadism. like you actually can get pleasure out of suffering. that i don't really get in other cases in life at all.
actually what hebi wrote feels so familiar .
personally i don't feel i match with either. most often i feel like i match with noone at the end. with a bpd i don't feel enough narcissistic to keep up and with npd i don't feel enough borderline. it amazed me that with a borderline i actually felt that he wanted a narcissist and i had to act like one when i tried to adapt . with narcissists i feel they want a codependent but it feels so dull and repressive at some point that i can't do it.
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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby Hebi » Sat Dec 09, 2017 1:51 am

Biggirlscry wrote: However where my abandonment fears come from is from having been put in foster care from birth to 4 months of age prior to being adopted. I used to not give this any credence, assuming that if I can't remember it, it doesn't affect me, but I now realize that that is very false. Because I believe that those 4 months when I should have been bonding with a parent, should have felt secure and loved was the birth of my BPD.


I think too many people, many parents don’t believe that their actions are of any significance before a certain age, “they don’t know what I’m saying” “if you pick them up when they cry as a baby they’ll get spoiled” was my mother’s particular reasoning for the way she reared children.

https://youtu.be/i9GYExnh1yU

This documentary, Child of Rage, explains a bit of how damaging neglect can be at an early age.

@julllia, even if parents have the best of intentions, they can still unconsciously damage a child’s development, if they’re modeling some sort of disordered attachment style. Ive been all about attachment styles today lol I think one of the key elements of secure attachment might be autonomy?

So it’s funny what you say about having to act like a narcissist to keep a pwBPD interested. When my bf gets clingy or overly affectionate, I actually shut down, become cold, withdraw. He told me before that he has intentionally been a jerk or dismissive of me, because he noticed the more cold and distant he was, the more I desperately start begging for attention. It’s like the closeness activates this fear of intimacy and the apartness activates this hypervigilance to avoid abandonment.
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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby julllia » Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:05 am

yes but it bothers me, because i want to be clingy and i am afraid that he will leave me for example constatly if i come closer and i hate that torture and i hate the other person.i want the attention constantly also but if you do too much triggering to get the attention ,it ends really bad at the end.
on the other hand i have noticed that i want people that i can't have too.and when i feel that i have them i stop wanting them. this is a ######6 torture i hate my life lol
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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby Hebi » Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:12 am

Lol poor julllia :( pobrecita

I used to do that too. Maybe sometimes we’re best off not looking for Love, but just waiting on it to find us? Have you ever tried being friends with a guy for a while before trying to start a romantic relationship with them? Maybe you gotta feel then out first.
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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby Midwinter » Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:19 am

Hebi wrote:I also grew up... neglected. Maybe we aren’t all so different after all. Maybe it’s the general predisposition of our individual chemistry and makeup that determines which psychological defense mechanisms we take on in order to deal with our early attachment issues? Although I’ve heard pwPDs claim to have never experienced any neglect or trauma, which kind of contradicts my theory.


Welcome to Psychology 101. Seems like you have a lot to learn, so I'll give you a brief rundown.

When we talk about activation of PDs, we talk about epigenetics. Certain types of phenomes can be turned on and off from social factors, but they can also simply be turned on due to their genetic make up. Most of the studying done in the field of phenomes for personality traits has been done on ASPD. To give an example, they carry a phenome that involves hyperaggression. It can either be turned on or off from birth. If it is turned on, they could grow up in a loving and caring family, and still be hyper aggressive. The other way around, if it is turned off, the phenome can be turned on by traumatic events.

So most of how our PDs is, is a mixture between the fitting defense mechanism for the traumatic situations, and which phenomes are turned on and off. This is what makes everyone so unique in terms of traits and behaviour, and why I think psychology is a very subjective field. You cannot standardize the personality. It is on a dimensional spectrum, and not in boxes such as BPD, NPD, ASPD, etc. I like their axis system though.
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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby julllia » Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:22 am

@hebi
probably i need to do that.but i won't be sexually attracted to him then,i wouldn' t want him.
i realized i need to have a friendship first. but i usually do not feel sexual attraction in that case never.
i am hoping maybe i will do something different now that i read psychology,because before i didn't know at all
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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby Hebi » Sat Dec 09, 2017 4:23 am

*yawn* I sometimes dumb myself down to try and relate to others, as being pretentious can discourage some in conversation. But thanks for the biological breakdown.

I understand julllia. I don’t know what to say. It’s possible that sexual attraction could develop. I just really don’t understand the eagerness to put oneself into a dysfunctional dynamic for the sake of sexual attraction. I guess I’ve done the same thing...
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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby Biggirlscry » Sat Dec 09, 2017 4:53 am

Hebi wrote:*yawn* I sometimes dumb myself down to try and relate to others, as being pretentious can discourage some in conversation. But thanks for the biological breakdown.

I understand julllia. I don’t know what to say. It’s possible that sexual attraction could develop. I just really don’t understand the eagerness to put oneself into a dysfunctional dynamic for the sake of sexual attraction. I guess I’ve done the same thing...


Your relationship with a non is dysfunctional anyways.... better a dysfunctional relationship with someone that rocks your world and you have great sex with than one that bores the F%$# out of you. I tried the non relationship scenario with my ex-husband and sustained it for 10 years.... 10 years of the worst sex of my life and a resentment that built over time. Such that I would rather a short relationship with fireworks and a headboard on fire than a long one in which I am lying in bed doing my duty and looking at the ceiling praying for it to be over. But to each his own... sex is VERY VERY important to me.... for other people not so much....
Diagnosed BPD, HPD traits, Anxiety, Crazy Bitch

to date me you've gotta be mentally strong, because I will push all your buttons, buttons you didn't even know you had...

"Sweet as sugar, hard as ice, hurt me once I'll kill you twice." - Jeffree Star
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Re: NPD/BPD Affair Partners

Postby sorrynotsorry » Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:10 am

I am I think BPD, a submissive, and I think my former Dom is NPD. And I arrived at this forum simply looking for answers to the riddle of the BPD/NPD attraction/repulsion cycle. And low and behind you are all talking about the link to BDSM. And the pieces fall into place. I’m so exhausted.
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