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How do you expect to be received in public?

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Re: How do you expect to be received in public?

Postby Akuma » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:48 am

covertunsure wrote:Sorry to reply so late, I haven't been on the forums much as of late. I appreciate everyone's responses. It seems like they're pretty varied across the board, but in general, it doesn't seem like most of you get extremely agitated or upset when you're not getting attention. I definitely do and my mood and self-confidence/esteem take a nose dive. Would you say this is not typical of narcissism, or is just sort of an interaction of the vulnerable narcissism and mood lability associated with aspergers/autism/adhd? Or is it purely an autistic and OCD type thing?


I've not heard ASD or OCD being connected with attention-seeking. When you chastice yourself for narcissistic aspects of your personality though, then looking for which aspects are narcissistic oe not might be an obsessive aspect, ultimately furthering your inner conflicts, while not providing any benefits.

Also, I am curious: do you all feel like the center of attention when you walk into a room or in public or in a venue with people around?


With me this "attention" would be categorized under "paranoia" and this has gotten better in the past years. Might or might not be a side effect of therapy and stopping chainsmoking cannabis. I wasnt even able to look into strangers eyes until maybe a year ago I started to experiment with it a bit.

I almost always do and it kind of kills me because I feel like it's totally delusional, but then I think well maybe I should just go with that inner confidence, but then I chastise myself for that grandiosity, and I consciously try to quash it by then overcompensating and assuming "beta"/submissive body language out of shame and trying to temper my narcissism/overconfidence. And then away I go with that self-doubting and all that OCD-type crap.


"But, But, But" seems to be really the main thing in OCD hehe. I have a neighbour who is liek this, too. She actualyl reminds me a bit of this guy PseudoScientist that we had here a few years ago. She starts at some point and talks about relgion, politics, aliens, conspiracy theories and she never has a point she just bounces from topic to topic and every attempt at getting her attention to stick with something is "but, but, but"ed away. Should become interesting at some point for a person conscious of this what all those buts are really dancing around.
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Re: How do you expect to be received in public?

Postby KvotheTheRaven » Mon Feb 26, 2018 3:58 pm

Often depends on my environment or mood. For instance, if I am not going out to be specifically sociable I expect strangers to be civil and respectful but not too friendly. When I am going out to events, I expect to be treated like a VIP and not a commoner. I am usually a VIP because I only attend events that people ask me to come to. If it's a band, I always know the band members or new bands I make sure to make friends with them so I don't pay entrance and I don't buy drinks. If it's with my group then I am more lenient on the respect side.

1) How do you expect to be treated and received in public?

See above

2) How important is supply to you from strangers while in public? What form of supply does that take?

I get the supply most of the time. I get told I am special, I am pretty, I am intelligent. I don't specifically look for it but when those points come up in conversation I know that I will be mentioned in one way or another. If I happen to not be mentioned, I just assume they are being too shy to mention it or feel like they don't want to boost my ego further.

3) If you feel you are treated specially or get a lot of attention, do you think some of it could be imagined in your mind (grandiose or delusional) as a means to cope and avoid cognitive dissonance between who you really are and who you want to be seen as?

Maybe some of it is imagined but I have had enough said to me to prove that most of the time that is not the case.

4) How vulnerable are you to losses of supply? Can one person not giving you supply ruin your mood or self-esteem?

If people don't supply, I usually assume they are playing games to try and knock my self confidence so that we are more level and they have more of a chance. If it's women, I assume it's jealousy. Doesn't knock me. It makes me laugh. What knocks me more is when people assume what my intentions are. That makes me irritated.
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Re: How do you expect to be received in public?

Postby covertunsure » Tue Feb 27, 2018 10:12 pm

Akuma wrote:
covertunsure wrote:Sorry to reply so late, I haven't been on the forums much as of late. I appreciate everyone's responses. It seems like they're pretty varied across the board, but in general, it doesn't seem like most of you get extremely agitated or upset when you're not getting attention. I definitely do and my mood and self-confidence/esteem take a nose dive. Would you say this is not typical of narcissism, or is just sort of an interaction of the vulnerable narcissism and mood lability associated with aspergers/autism/adhd? Or is it purely an autistic and OCD type thing?


I've not heard ASD or OCD being connected with attention-seeking. When you chastice yourself for narcissistic aspects of your personality though, then looking for which aspects are narcissistic oe not might be an obsessive aspect, ultimately furthering your inner conflicts, while not providing any benefits.


I wish I weren't a narcissist, it's pretty awful, and like you say, the OCD and dystonic intrusive thoughts just make it 100x worse. These thoughts include:

  • "I'm gorgeous" when I've never really been told that except by two friends, just "very handsome", "incredibly handsome", "beautiful", "extremely attractive", "cute" etc. not saying that to brag, just saying it's never reached the superlative "gorgeous"
  • "This guy/girl will surely be into or stare at me" when I have no idea
  • "This guy/girl won't be into or stare at me" which is interestingly less ego-dystonic since it feels more comfortable and safe
  • "I'm not attractive enough" (1000x per day, some days more than others)
  • "Everyone is into and staring at me" -- this feels like a physical feeling of being stared at, even though usually when I look around no one's looking at me
  • "People think I'm so arrogant/full of myself"
  • "People [especially people I'm attracted to] hate or are repulsed by/avoid me, turn around when I'm around them." This one hurts A LOT and I think there's some truth to this since I think I come across as desperate.
  • "If I were better looking, more people would stare at me (probably true, which makes it that much worse)."

So, yeah, pretty awful existence much of the time. These thoughts are pretty much torture and taunt me; they amount to, "well, haha, you're not THAT special, if you were, you wouldn't have these thoughts."

Also, I am curious: do you all feel like the center of attention when you walk into a room or in public or in a venue with people around?


With me this "attention" would be categorized under "paranoia" and this has gotten better in the past years. Might or might not be a side effect of therapy and stopping chainsmoking cannabis. I wasnt even able to look into strangers eyes until maybe a year ago I started to experiment with it a bit.


Interesting. So even though you self-identify as a narcissist, you perceive the attention as negative, rather than admiration? Did or do you ever interpret or feel positive attention toward you?

I almost always do and it kind of kills me because I feel like it's totally delusional, but then I think well maybe I should just go with that inner confidence, but then I chastise myself for that grandiosity, and I consciously try to quash it by then overcompensating and assuming "beta"/submissive body language out of shame and trying to temper my narcissism/overconfidence. And then away I go with that self-doubting and all that OCD-type crap.


"But, But, But" seems to be really the main thing in OCD hehe. I have a neighbour who is liek this, too. She actualyl reminds me a bit of this guy PseudoScientist that we had here a few years ago. She starts at some point and talks about relgion, politics, aliens, conspiracy theories and she never has a point she just bounces from topic to topic and every attempt at getting her attention to stick with something is "but, but, but"ed away. Should become interesting at some point for a person conscious of this what all those buts are really dancing around.


Yeah, true. I'm always but but but. Hell, my building doorman pointed this out last night and said I don't take credit for anything I do. I was telling him about a movie script I did, which he liked, but I kept hemming and hawing and saying it wasn't that great. I think maybe it's actually, paradoxically, that I don't want my ego to get carried away and think I'm something great, so I tamper it with overcompensating to the complete other end of the spectrum of excessive modesty and self-deprecation.
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Re: How do you expect to be received in public?

Postby Akuma » Wed Feb 28, 2018 4:43 am

covertunsure wrote:So, yeah, pretty awful existence much of the time. These thoughts are pretty much torture and taunt me; they amount to, "well, haha, you're not THAT special, if you were, you wouldn't have these thoughts."


Well you do talk like they are some alien beings, but they are thoughts that you create - albeit automatically - and that you are conscious of. So even if that might not be very helpful to say, you do have some power over them and you can learn over time to control them and or change them.

Interesting. So even though you self-identify as a narcissist, you perceive the attention as negative, rather than admiration?


Not self-identify, I've been diagnosed by three independent professionals. The idea that pwNPD need constant attention is at least a faulty interpretation of old DSMs in my opinion.
That being said yes and no. I think a lot of this "attention" isn't real in the first place.

Did or do you ever interpret or feel positive attention toward you?


Actually when you ask like this I get less sure what "attention" even entails. The whole concept kind of evaporates. At least nothing worth mentioning comes to mind, only normal stuff, like people being nice to me, neighbours smiling at me or something. I notice these things only in passing, they have a short positive effect and then poof.

Yeah, true. I'm always but but but. Hell, my building doorman pointed this out last night and said I don't take credit for anything I do. I was telling him about a movie script I did, which he liked, but I kept hemming and hawing and saying it wasn't that great. I think maybe it's actually, paradoxically, that I don't want my ego to get carried away and think I'm something great, so I tamper it with overcompensating to the complete other end of the spectrum of excessive modesty and self-deprecation.


I'm surprised you are saying this liek you don't realize this. From the outside at least this part seemed quite obvious, there seem to be two sides in you that are pretty black and white and that are diametrically opposed. This naturally creates stress and probably some sort of stalemate.
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Re: How do you expect to be received in public?

Postby covertunsure » Fri Mar 30, 2018 9:33 pm

Sorry for being a month late to respond/follow up.

Midwinter, if you are still here, I'm interested in your insight/opinion that this is autistic thinking. Could you, or someone else, please elaborate on that? I definitely do have autistic traits, though probably not full-blown Aspergers, so that may be onto something.

Akuma wrote:
covertunsure wrote:So, yeah, pretty awful existence much of the time. These thoughts are pretty much torture and taunt me; they amount to, "well, haha, you're not THAT special, if you were, you wouldn't have these thoughts."


Well you do talk like they are some alien beings, but they are thoughts that you create - albeit automatically - and that you are conscious of. So even if that might not be very helpful to say, you do have some power over them and you can learn over time to control them and or change them.


IDK, I think it's some kind of twisted form of OCD. By definition, OCD includes intrusive thoughts... they are very hard, if not impossible, to "control," per se. I've been doing meditation almost every day for two months and think I've made very small, incremental progress.

Interesting. So even though you self-identify as a narcissist, you perceive the attention as negative, rather than admiration?

Not self-identify, I've been diagnosed by three independent professionals. The idea that pwNPD need constant attention is at least a faulty interpretation of old DSMs in my opinion.
That being said yes and no. I think a lot of this "attention" isn't real in the first place.


Yes, I can absolutely identify with that. I feel like people are looking at me, then when I check, 80% of the time, they aren't.... which is both a relief and a (sometimes severe) frustration and disappointment! Relieving because I don't really want to be constantly stared at (who does?) but disappointing because it tells me I'm not as worthy of admiration/ogling as I wish I were.

Did or do you ever interpret or feel positive attention toward you?

Actually when you ask like this I get less sure what "attention" even entails. The whole concept kind of evaporates. At least nothing worth mentioning comes to mind, only normal stuff, like people being nice to me, neighbours smiling at me or something. I notice these things only in passing, they have a short positive effect and then poof.


For me, attention means people looking/staring/ogling me in public, admiring me, basically.

Yeah, true. I'm always but but but. Hell, my building doorman pointed this out last night and said I don't take credit for anything I do. I was telling him about a movie script I did, which he liked, but I kept hemming and hawing and saying it wasn't that great. I think maybe it's actually, paradoxically, that I don't want my ego to get carried away and think I'm something great, so I tamper it with overcompensating to the complete other end of the spectrum of excessive modesty and self-deprecation.

I'm surprised you are saying this liek you don't realize this. From the outside at least this part seemed quite obvious, there seem to be two sides in you that are pretty black and white and that are diametrically opposed. This naturally creates stress and probably some sort of stalemate.


This is a good point, this is always how I am.

I took the pathological narcissism inventory test posted in another thread and scored at the 98%tile for the vulnerable aspect of narcissism. So this interplay between that severe vulnerable narcissism and the OCD and mild autistic traits is pretty awful... I feel like I'm truly just doomed and too far gone at this point to make any kind of life for myself or be remotely happy.
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