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Long buried sadness

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Long buried sadness

Postby Spaced » Mon Mar 13, 2017 1:43 am

Since I became aware of my NPD (I identify more with the covert type) I've also become increasingly aware of a sadness I carry around deep inside me. I kind of have a mental block on crying and getting upset, but occasionally in quiet moments it's like something long forgotten tries to make itself known again, probably the source of whatever it is that has made me the way I am. I just don't know what it is. There are vague feelings of worthlessness and being unloved; loneliness. Sometimes I feel like I really need to cry about something, to release emotions connected to pain I experienced as a child. It's like a yearning. I think I still carry around the hurt little boy who feels worthless and who never understood what was happening to him.

Can anyone else relate?
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby whichway » Mon Mar 13, 2017 1:52 am

I can relate to this sometimes as a non. I go through periods of feeling what I'd call mildly depressed. Usually I have a hint of where it's coming from. For myself I try to put on some quiet music and listen to the lyrics and eventually something will hit me in the right spot and I'll shed a tear or two.

But it can start as you've described - this blunted, background thing that hinders my motivation. I don't think it's usually connected to something deep but maybe sometimes it is and I'm not aware.
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby MeAgain » Mon Mar 13, 2017 2:21 am

Of course, I entirely relate. It's your Borderline speaking to you. Your narcissism keeps that sadness locked away and prevents you harming yourself. I've lived with this for fifty years. It hasn't broken me yet.
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby realityhere » Mon Mar 13, 2017 3:26 am

"but occasionally in quiet moments it's like something long forgotten tries to make itself known again, probably the source of whatever it is that has made me the way I am."

Just my curiosity, spaced, if it has something to do with the true self surfacing in those quiet moments now that you're aware of your disorder possibly?

The sadness for the child that you were (your true self) but weren't allowed to be because of parental disapproval or abuse and then was repressed due to the shame? Pls realize I'm not putting you down here, shame takes on monstrous proportions in childhood and without any affirmation a child often assumes an emotional/mental armor to deflect any criticism or blame, it's understandable.
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby Jasmer » Mon Mar 13, 2017 5:51 am

I kind of know the feeling. There's a vague, nondescript something I think might be repressed grief somewhere deep down. Occasionally it surfaces for a few moments. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what it is, I think it's a general grief for a whole lot of things, big and small, that I never expressed or dealt with.

Spaced wrote:There are vague feelings of worthlessness and being unloved; loneliness. Sometimes I feel like I really need to cry about something, to release emotions connected to pain I experienced as a child. It's like a yearning. I think I still carry around the hurt little boy who feels worthless and who never understood what was happening to him.

Can anyone else relate?

Yes, completely.
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby Akuma » Mon Mar 13, 2017 7:04 am

I have this too.
In addition I also sometimes have this feeling that thers still "something I need to do", eventhough Im not sure what its about.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby inudiablo » Sun Mar 19, 2017 5:13 am

I myself have usually been aware of this sadness just didn't have a term for it till I read up on NPD. Its a "you are going to die a monster, you must create a legacy so they forget the monster bit after you die and remember this perfect image you created" Feeling for me. Like my time was up and my hand was dealt when I was 8 and I'm living on borrowed time only given to me by this facade I put up.

-Unconfirmed Compensatory NPD- Was however diagnosed with ADHD early on and conduct disorder early on- Hopefully it's insightful in some way
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby lyratheowl » Sun Mar 19, 2017 9:49 am

Yes I can relate. I don't know if it's connected to being unloved or loneliness (I don't know if I really experience that) or even worthlessness. But it is very vague and distant. And it seems to be sadness, maybe some kind of grief.

And actually I sometimes get another I think seperate feeling of just feeling like how my family used to make me feel. So, just worthlessness basically... It's hard to describe but it's quite distinct. I think it's different from when I experience a long buried sadness though.

Your post really got me thinking actually. Because I could relate but then it made me try to identify times when I've actually felt 'sad' (about my own life) and I couldn't tell if I had or not. Maybe I just don't remember but it made me realise just how rare and/vague 'sadness' is for me. If I cry then I know I'm experiencing sadness I guess. But then it's like it never happened afterward. And I just don't know if, and if so when, I've experienced sadness at other times.

Someone pointed out to me that the way I can think badly of myself and my sometimes excessive self criticism etc. sounds like another manifestation of anger and that perhaps I was subconsciously doing that to excess to stop myself from feeling 'softer' emotions as they put it. I was dubious at the time. But maybe they were on to something with that, maybe not applied to what they were talking about but in general like with stuff about my childhood. I know I get angry at myself a lot and pretty easily, and that is part of my self criticism. Anger is one of the only emotions I seem to experience intensely. I suppress my anger but I know I do because I feel it strongly when I do experience it, even if fleetingly. Anyway it just got me thinking about what 'sadness' really feels like (?) and if I have really felt it and if so when, other than when I'm crying. Usually I'd just assume yes and probably not think much of it.

Btw I can't remember where but I read something about how pwNPD can tend to 'lack empathy for themselves'? And I can't remember if I also read that pwBPD tend to have more 'empathy for themselves' or not? I'm not sure exactly what that means but I guess I could see it making some sense... And I don't know if I have NPD but maybe this could be related to how I relate to something similar to what you describe. I don't know. Like a vague sense of forgotten 'empathy for oneself', whatever that means. :| It sounds kinda cringe and 'fuzzy' to me but also possibly true when I think about it. And my reaction of it sounding 'cringe' may be part of why it, (rather than just a reaction against the way some people may use that type of phrase which I would find annoying).
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby Spaced » Wed Mar 22, 2017 8:01 pm

Thank you for your replies. I have read them and appreciate that you shared your thoughts and experiences.

realityhere wrote:Just my curiosity, spaced, if it has something to do with the true self surfacing in those quiet moments now that you're aware of your disorder possibly?

The sadness for the child that you were (your true self) but weren't allowed to be because of parental disapproval or abuse and then was repressed due to the shame? Pls realize I'm not putting you down here, shame takes on monstrous proportions in childhood and without any affirmation a child often assumes an emotional/mental armor to deflect any criticism or blame, it's understandable.


That's entirely possible. I was never physically abused (to my knowledge) but I was neglected emotionally. I just don't know what exists at my core, whether there is my 'true self' waiting to get out or simply an empty space. That sounds a bit emo, but it is what it is.
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby Kimera » Thu Mar 23, 2017 4:57 pm

Spaced wrote: I've also become increasingly aware of a sadness I carry around deep inside me. I kind of have a mental block on crying and getting upset, but occasionally in quiet moments it's like something long forgotten tries to make itself known again, probably the source of whatever it is that has made me the way I am. I just don't know what it is.

I relate to this in a big way. It's something vague that's deep inside and I protect it with a vengeance but I'm not sure why.

realityhere wrote:Just my curiosity, spaced, if it has something to do with the true self surfacing in those quiet moments now that you're aware of your disorder possibly?

I think realityhere has nailed it. I've reconnected with a therapist from my past -- the only person I would trust with this. We've only been at since mid-Feb so still early days. He's talked about DW Winnicott and true self / false self. He's trying to get me to define this vague thing that I've built a fortress around but I'm a ######6 deflection ninja :?
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