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Long buried sadness

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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby realityhere » Sat Mar 25, 2017 5:10 am

spaced,

Well, it's been mentioned in PD research and published books that parental neglect is a form of abuse. When a child doesn't get any validation of his emotional needs from primary caregivers, in many cases the parents, that child is likely to form some kind of defense against being "nothing" and/or "ignored" as a form of survival in his world. There seems to be some inherent mechanism in the primitive part of the brain that says "I matter, even if I don't matter to my parents", so the child has to invent himself at a rather early age, even superficially, getting one's sense of self from others, as how is he going to get a sense of self when there is no validation from his own family? The true self is likely the child that never was because the parents didn't give the validation or encouragement to allow the child to develop his own personality or character as he grew up. Does any of this make sense to you? I''m not trying to make assumptions here, I'm open to what you may be thinking otherwise?
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby Spaced » Thu May 24, 2018 10:55 am

That does make a lot of sense to me, Realityhere (sorry for the late reply).

I wanted to share something related to this that happened to me the other night. In the opening post I spoke of my mental block on crying. Well, the other day something triggered me and I completely lost it. I feel a bit awkward writing about this but it did feel important to me.

I was watching a music video on YouTube. The song was Sunset by The Midnight, a synthwave band who makes 80s-style pop. The video is a fan-made video taken from a 1991 film called Career Opportunities. Paired with the music it has that cheesy but nostalgic 80s coming-of-age vibe to it. I think it's relevant that I was a teenager in the 1980s.

So as I'm watching I start to feel a sense of nostalgia, but then at the 1:28 mark, when the girl and guy start skating together, it triggered something in me and I began to feel incredibly sad, and over the next 10 seconds or so it grew until I absolutely ######6 lost it. Usually if I feel that rising sense of 'I might cry' my brain shuts it down, but to use a cliche it was like a floodgate opened. For a couple of minutes I sobbed uncontrollably for the first time in my entire life that I can remember. I don't know what triggered it, but when I was crying I was saying "Why?" to myself. Not why am I crying, but why did whatever happened to make me sad happen. I just don't know what it is.

This is the video I watched https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-A1_atkAQhY I actually just tried to watch it again but the same feelings started to happen so I quit. I've thought about why this particular thing affects me so much but I just can't come up with anything. It's not just nostalgia.
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby ShowJumpingRabbit » Thu May 24, 2018 6:11 pm

At some point their eyes meet. It's like they are seeing each other. I don't remember having felt seen many times growing up, more like adults' gaze glazing over. So this in itself can be painful to watch.

But when they start skating, they appear very insouciant and innocent, simply enjoying themselves. Something we're supposed to experience growing up (but only ever occurs if the favorable conditions are being laid out for us). Something we may able to experience in relationships with low level of hostility. This level of insouciance requires feeling free of burden. So while we may aspire to it, it may also appear impossible to reach, as if happiness is but a fantasy.

idk. That's all I got. :)
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby realityhere » Thu May 24, 2018 7:09 pm

The way I saw it? It's when the boy meets girl first time. The girl may be bored, switching tapes and dancing to herself, perhaps looking for some fun in her life. The boy is in this crazy get-up that reflects his true, un-adult, fun side (probably to throw off the boredom of his job) and when their eyes lock, he's momentarily wondering "Oh, gawd, I wonder what she's thinking?" while awestruck that this girl appeared. Then she smiles, she likes what she saw. They really "get" each other at first glance. And the rest is history.

Don't know if this is what you saw in the video or not, but that's my take. Do you think the sadness you describe may be a result of your parents not "seeing" you for what you could have been as a youngster? Or something else? I know that high school was not a fun picnic for some ppl, it certainly wasn't for me.
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby Eight » Fri May 25, 2018 3:55 am

Kimera wrote:
Spaced wrote: I've also become increasingly aware of a sadness I carry around deep inside me. I kind of have a mental block on crying and getting upset, but occasionally in quiet moments it's like something long forgotten tries to make itself known again, probably the source of whatever it is that has made me the way I am. I just don't know what it is.

I relate to this in a big way. It's something vague that's deep inside and I protect it with a vengeance but I'm not sure why.

I relate as well.
For me, this 'long forgotten something that rises up in quiet moments' is innocence.
Just that - innocence.
That, and grace, are the two things that have the capability to bring me to my knees, so to speak.
I have no defense against them. Not when they are genuine and pure.
They are the only things that can make me cry in that primordial way that comes from a place so deep down inside that I barely recognize it as me.
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby Spaced » Fri May 25, 2018 3:52 pm

Thank you all, genuinely, for your thoughtful replies. I think that is what this video represents for me: innocence. I think when I see this my inner child is reminded of the innocence I once had but was lost, or taken from me, and I am mourning it, and the fact the music and visuals place it in roughly the same time as my childhood just compounds the feeling. It's funny, throughout my adult life I've been cold and aloof (not always), and now I lose my sh1t when I watch this dumb video. Poor me, right? Somewhere a non is having a good chuckle.

I don't think a single event occurred that made me a narcissist. But from my mother's own admission I was not loved as I should have been. She was depressed and also a narcissist (IMO), and my father was distant and more to be feared than loved. They gave me everything I wanted at Christmas and birthdays, but I don't remember getting a single hug. One time aged 7 I was looking for my comic book and my mother told me it was in a place in my room, and when I went to look she'd hidden Stephen King's Carrie novel there instead, when she knew I was frightened of that horrible picture of Sissy Spacek's bloody face on the cover. I remember her laughing when I screamed in shock. Be good to your kids, people.
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Re: Long buried sadness

Postby ShowJumpingRabbit » Fri May 25, 2018 5:02 pm

Spaced wrote:Poor me, right? Somewhere a non is having a good chuckle.


I'm a non (as in non-NPD, but with issues on my own) and I'm not chuckling in the least. Quite the opposite in fact, I'm dead serious.
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