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Covert narcissism and suicidal thoughts/actions?

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Re: Covert narcissism and suicidal thoughts/actions?

Postby covertunsure » Tue Jun 12, 2018 2:26 am

Bump because I've been feeling awful and suicidal this evening. It always seems to stem from not getting the narcissistic supply, admiration, or whatever you call it--stares and looks from people, in this case at a networking event. Anytime I'm around human beings, basically, my self esteem and feeling of attractiveness fluctuates wildly up and down between euphoric feelings of invincibility and total worthlessness, based on how I feel I'm being received and how many people are looking at me, based on my attractiveness.

I know I've talked about this in the forum but it somehow never changes. I don't change. I do the same $#%^ I've rand over and somehow expect a different result. And I feel like people purposefully don't want to give me what I want, their attention. That makes it so much worse because it's me against the world.

And I realized. If it hasn't changed yet, if I haven't stopped being a toddler and taken responsibility for my life and feelings, at my age, I probably won't ever.

I'll never attain the standards of perfect admiration that I so desperately want in order to validate myself.

The event was on the 22nd floor of a building on the rooftop and I fantasize about throwing myself off. But I can never summon the courage.

Covert narcissism,or whatever permutation or combination I have, is a total nightmare. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
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Re: Covert narcissism and suicidal thoughts/actions?

Postby kitkis » Wed Jun 13, 2018 4:36 pm

Hiya, sorry to hear you've been feeling suicidal covertunsure.

I too identify as a covert narc. I was in a very bad place for about 3 years after i became self-aware. I had been in therapy for 6 years only to find how deep my problems were. I subscribed to Exit-International and found out the best methods how to commit suicide pain-free. I made a really detailed plan, but never carried it out, mostly because of doubt/lack of courage/the odd good days.

This year has been my best maybe in 10 years or so. I got an internship at a local paper (studying journalism) and doing something useful has really upped my self esteem. I havent done drugs the whole year, which is a really something for me.

Of course i have some really really bad days and weeks, which make me wonder if i can survive. But somehow ive made it this far without acting self-destructively, and im really happy.

I hope you find something that gives you hope and meaning, at least a little bit. You prolly know this, but by saying "ill never get better" youre also giving yourself a excuse to not even try. Not trying to be condescending by saying that, i said the exact same thing for a long time.

Hope all the best for you.
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Re: Covert narcissism and suicidal thoughts/actions?

Postby ZombieZ » Wed Jun 13, 2018 7:46 pm

I’m not diagnosed NPD, closest thing I have to a diagnosis is ASPD from a court ordered psych evaluation. However I think that is wrong I always have and I’m trying to get a new diagnosis now. With that said I suspect I’m more of a covert narc and I do have suicidal and homicidal thoughts they are pretty intense. I have been dealing with them all my life and I can kind of handle them now better than I used to. I’m on an anti depressant which helps, intense exercise helps too
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Re: Covert narcissism and suicidal thoughts/actions?

Postby heracles » Wed Jun 13, 2018 8:42 pm

I don't quite know if what I have are suicidal "thoughts", but I do
often have "flashes", mental images, of myself committing suicide,
usually with a rifle or rope. They usually come in a sudden "panic"
when thoughts of horrible suffering experienced by children or animals
come into my mind, and yes, also, my own depressing situation.
I've also pondered the easiest and quickest way to do it and discussed the
physiology of this a little with others. (I'd want as little emotional
trauma and physical suffering as possible, and wouldn't want to fail and cripple myself.)

But I think I'm unlikely to commit suicide because:

1. It would hurt my family, and be a lousy thing to do to them. They've
done a lot for me. Laying that on them would be cruel and ungrateful.

2. I'm a coward. It might hurt.

3. I believe in an afterlife, or a good enough possibility of one, that it
might lead to hell or a form of existence much worse than the one I'm
in now.

That said, I do find thinking about suicide if only superficially and briefly, strangely comforting. It helps me sleep at night.

I remember when I was 20 years old, working in a hotel, and how low I was feeling then. (Looking back over the years, I've felt low often.) I used to have the thought, like a mantra, "I wish I didn't exist. I wish I didn't exist. I wish I didn't exist."

Strangely, the mere thought of my personal non-existence seemed to ease
things for me.
Intermittent, intense angst & sensucht . Covert somatic narcissism/Pseudo-Body-Dysmorphia. Secret, languid schizoid. Dysthymia. Gerascaphobia. Dorian Gray Syndrome. Avoidant. Iatraphobia. Psychiatraphobia. Self-Indentified. Just traits? High on the spectrum? Full blown? Doesn't matter to me. Not on meds. INTJ.
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Re: Covert narcissism and suicidal thoughts/actions?

Postby covertunsure » Fri Jun 15, 2018 2:19 pm

Thanks for your responses, all. Are each of you covert pwNPD? What causes these suicidal thoughts in each of you and, do you think, in general in pwNPD?

It's funny, everyone told me as a kid, and some continue to tell me, that I have so much potential. I was always told (or spoken about) how smart I was, charismatic, that I'd "never hurt a fly," that I was handsome (especially before acne ravaged my face in adolescence), etc. But I've totally failed to measure up and have gone the other way mentally. It's very bizarre.
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