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Do NPD's get worst with age

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Do NPD's get worst with age

Postby 07gas » Sun Apr 01, 2007 4:54 am

Others say that narcissists stay pretty much the same except they tend to depression as they get older and their grandiose fantasies are not supported, plus they're not as good-looking as they used to be. The narcissists I've known have apparently always been "that way" and they get worse as they get older, with dramatic regression of their personas after the deaths of their parents and other personal authority figures who have previously exerted some control over the narcissists' bad behavior. And, yes, chronic depression gets to be obvious at least by their forties but may have always been present. Depressed narcissists blame


Knowing from experience from my co-habitation with a NPD. I saw her N traits go from bad to worst in the course of 17 years. Her anger increase over time. The lack of empathy for her family only got worst as the children aged. I know now that *babies are a very good source of NS (narcissistic supply) for female NPD’s but not so for children in their preteens or when the child move on to become adults themselves. Unless trained by the NPD parent as a ready source of NS. Many NPD will start a family thinking this will change them and in a way fulfill what they feel is missing from their lives. Only to find that the empty feeling inside of them is still there, and as well as the “family” didn’t fulfill their (fantasy) roles that the NPD expected them too. Needing a Constance supply of NS (drug of choose). Once the partner and/or children of this relationship runs dry, they need to move on to another supply to meet their needs. The lack of reasonability from my xN only got worst and worst with the years. NPD having very shallow emotions can detach from partners, children very quickly, leaving the “started” family with confusion as to why they left. Mine xN left our two sons and jump from one family to the next with out batting a eye. NPD having the moral of a 5 or 6 year old child, doesn’t help in any type of normal relationships. Her lying worsen thru the years as well. And she would lie about anything. Around the house the children and I just accepted this fact about her and our favorite saying was “Yea, whatever N”..

The children and I found ourselves walking on eggshell around her, never knowing what would set her off. For a example, Once in our house for no reason at all she started yelling thru out the home, “you guys couldn’t survive without me!”. Before she left the family was strained beyond belief. In fact we are very glad she left. Our life's thru NC (no contact) has improved greatly...

*A child, after all, is the ultimate Source of Narcissistic Supply. It is unconditionally adoring, worshipping and submissive. But it is also a demanding thing and it tends to divert attention from the narcissist. A child takes too much of everything that the adults around him have to offer: time, energy, emotions, resources, attention. The narcissistic can easily be converted to the view that a child is a menace, a nuisance, utterly unnecessary.
This makes for a very shaky foundation of marital life. The narcissist does not need or seek companionship or friendship. He does not mix sex and emotions. He finds it hard to make love to someone that he loves. He ultimately abhors his children and tries to limit and confine them to the role of Narcissistic Supply Sources. He is a bad friend, lover and father. He is likely to divorce many times (if he ever gets married) and to end up in a series of monogamous relationships.

07gas
Last edited by 07gas on Sun Apr 01, 2007 5:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby 07gas » Sun Apr 01, 2007 5:16 am

my story:

Well, in the beginning of our (god, how I hate calling it that) relationship. We had sex all the time! She gave me as much as I wanted and I wanted a lot! But things were shakily even in the beginning of our relationship, she would drive me to work (me, a dumb ass) and then pick me up after work, because she promise to look for a job to help pay for the apartment that we moved into together. Which she did but would only (she had two jobs in a very short time) work and then quit for one reason or the other. Anyway, so she had our car (again promising me that she would help to pay for it, car. Which again, she never did) and a couple times didn’t pick me up from work. I had to call my sister to pick me up… All these red flags and I didn’t see one???? When after a very short (maybe a few months) time I got sick of her taking the car and going god knows were, not paying for anything like she promised and quitting her jobs. That I kick her ass out! End of relationship right? Wrong. I lost my apartment job and car. Got another car, moved to another town and started working for two jobs. One was part-time. So one merry, merry day, Guess who (out of the blue) shows up… Yes my N begging me to give us another chance, how sorry she was about how she (taking responsibility, BS it was a lie) ruin the relationship. Well dear readers, my (nickname for that part of my anatomy) little johnning was doing the thinking that day and I (please someone kill me!) said, “Yes”.

Well, at least I had sex again, WTF, I am a fool! So this little “okay lets’ try again”. Got me were I am at today!!!

Okay so we started dating again. Now we both just went thru a divorce, her was very bad (of course she a NPD, dumb ass) and my was fine, both I and the Ex-wife just sit down and talked about it and agree on the divorce and outline all issues concerning both of us. No one got hurt and there was no fighting. So (I and N) agreed in the beginning of that we would wait to marry, which was fine with me. Again the sex was fine but I started feeling like I was doing all the work in bed. She would lay there and let me service her and myself. But sex whenever I wanted (she never would come to me and want or ask for sex) So of course we had a baby, well after the baby came things (still no talk of marries, she didn’t push it and neither did I) started to change.

Well, so I gave her another chance in this relationship (just one of many more to come a chance that is) and believed her lies about her ruining our relationship the first time around and working on it to make this relationship work. Again our sex life was pretty good. But as time went by, I notice how I was always the one who would initiate sex. Never in all the many years with her did she ever ask for sex. Also when making love to this woman, I always felt more like self love then a shared love! Well, this lacking for concern for our love life went down hill even more after our first born. xNarcy (my little pet name for her) wanted to go back to work (part time only of course) after our 2nd child was born. Why? she needed to get out of the home for awhile, not to help with the finance. No she just wanted some alone time. She even after coming home from work (blue collar job) would complain that the other ladies working in the deli would work there for extra money for themselves (lie?) and that their husband paid all the bills. I would reply by saying that is their life not our. Well, dear reader’s it just like old times again. Yes, I will help pay for the car, apartment and so fore. And I will help raise our children and help with the finance, Right! Guess my xNarcy lied about working and doing better in this relationship. Well, folks her behavioral and attitude concerning the children and I got worst, year after year. She became more demanding, controlling and more and more nasty. She would lie to the children (God about anything) and me daily. Yes, dear reader’s NPD do get worst as they age! Our sex life went from great, to worst then worst year after year, until we didn’t have any sex at all. God only knows how often she cheated on me. She never work more then a part time job and that’s only when she did work. I had to begged, make her pay a bill. And if the children wanted her to buy them something, she would always say “go ask your dad”….

So what did my children and I get out of a NPD family life? Lies, fighting (sometimes until dawn) Constance put downs and degrading from her. No sex! And it was all about her needs and wants, never about what we needed or wanted. So, 17 years later and she found another family to meet her needs. Good luck new family, I am sure you will have as much fun as we did! And thanks for taking her off our hands…

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Postby shivers » Sun Apr 01, 2007 1:34 pm

thanks for sharing.

I've actually just taken a big breath here, coz your writings and the first post with the quote in it has made a light bulb moment occur in my head!

Effectively, it's uh-oh. Especially to this bit:

"Many NPD will start a family thinking this will change them and in a way fulfill what they feel is missing from their lives. Only to find that the empty feeling inside of them is still there, and as well as the “family” didn’t fulfill their (fantasy) roles that the NPD expected them too"

Coz, now I'm thinking this is what it actually is.

I've said as much in a previous post, haven't I? Recently, I've let this theory pass through my head but reading this has made it come back and now it's stuck. I think this is where I'm at.

My N (which I really should give a name - Big D) So, Big D has got us in some financial strife recently, and I've mentioned that if it's not resolved or we are not released from the debt, we are going to be better off living apart. At least I'll be entitled to some Govt assistance by way of Rent Assistance and Family Benefit (I'm in Australia), we can rent the house and negative gear the mortgage and repairs, and guess what, he can pay me 27% of his monthly gross salary! His response was to say that he'd be 'devastated' if he was forced to live without "her" (her being Little S our daughter).

But of course, me being a 'normal' person, has projected my interpretation of feelings into that statement.

What you have opened my eyes to is the fact that he'd be devastated not because he'd feel bad, but because he'd have no NS. And I guess that' doesn't make him feel too crash hot, eh?

As I said, Uh-oh.....

And thanks....
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Postby shivers » Sun Apr 01, 2007 1:46 pm

and this bit.

"A child, after all, is the ultimate Source of Narcissistic Supply. It is unconditionally adoring, worshipping and submissive. But it is also a demanding thing and it tends to divert attention from the narcissist. A child takes too much of everything that the adults around him have to offer: time, energy, emotions, resources, attention. The narcissistic can easily be converted to the view that a child is a menace, a nuisance, utterly unnecessary. "

It explains SO much. It explains Big D's behaviour about how he needs an updated photo on his desk, talks about her constantly to work colleagues and family. If it were up to him, you'd think he was in the running for father of the year.

But within 20 mins of him walking in the door - he's 'fed up'. Flashes looks of 'keep away from me, or else.' Does practically no child caring or parenting at all.

I've not threatened to leave, but I've been acting like I will since December. I have House Rules up on the wall that deal with the worst of his temper tantrums and put-downs. I've yelled "STOP IT and ENOUGH" aggressively right up at his face, raged back and this has calmed the worst of his attitude and behaviour.

But I don't know how permanent it is.

It also explains how his drama's with his health are escalating, as well as his sleeping 16 hours per day, he consistently needs attention in the medical department to validate his existence. The less he participates in the running of the house, the more attention he perceives he is receiving from me, and by proxy the more he controls what I do. So now, I let a lot of it go, and none of it gets done.

I barely listen to a word he says. Pay no interest. Do what he does to me, don't look when spoken to. Don't come to the door when he gets home. I've been quite aggressive in removing the last of any NS I've been giving him this past 3 months.

I've seen a difference, but.......
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Postby 07gas » Sun Apr 01, 2007 3:48 pm

Linda

I've not threatened to leave, but I've been acting like I will since December. I have House Rules up on the wall that deal with the worst of his temper tantrums and put-downs. I've yelled "STOP IT and ENOUGH" aggressively right up at his face, raged back and this has calmed the worst of his attitude and behaviour.


The "rules", oh how I remember the rules.....
I couldn't take the fighting all the time, it's was emotionally straining the children and I! I told her many times to stop verbally attacking me and the only thing that would stop her would be for me to walk to the phone, pick up the receiver and tell her, “if you don’t stop! I will call the Police”. Of course all she would do is unplug the phone jack and my little one begging me not too! I told her over and over again that I don’t have to take her abuse. I had to do this so many times, I lost count!!!. The rules are boundaries. So when someone doesn’t respect our boundaries, they don’t respect us! In short Linda, rules work for only a temporary amount of time and then with the N’s its back to "business"...

I wish I could said that the fighting and verbal abuse was only directed at me, but no, my oldest (he is 15) son got her “verbal abuse” many times. I can’t tell you how many times I had to break up a fight between them. Telling her, “you are the adult (*yea, right!) and you need to control the situation and try to find a solution to the problem. What was the problem, again her crossing his boundaries. As God is my witness when those two would fight, it was more like a brother and sister argument... After She left, my oldest son was very happy (sad isn’t it) about it! And has open up to me more, telling me some of the BS she said to him. I asked him why he didn’t tell me about it?, his reply? “Dad, I just stop listening to her”, in short he too got tired of all her BS and her trying to use him for a source of NS...

07gas

* http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/six.html
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Postby shivers » Mon Apr 02, 2007 12:24 am

thanks 07gas, the name is Lynn not Linda.

I've seen a change in behaviour, I have no idea how permanent it can possibly be. I don't live in hope, I live in a state of constant observing. While he's reasonably mellow and I'm standoff-ish the household is tolerable. I WON'T go back to how he was last year, and there's something I've done that seems to have shown him I'm serious about it.

thanks for all your info, it's been/is very helpful.

This forum seems to have changed, it certainly is more supportive now than when I first placed a post.
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Postby 07gas » Mon Apr 02, 2007 2:39 am

Oh, I am so sorry Lynn, I had a Linda contact me today about some links I gave her. Please forgive me Lynn..

I love your post on the rules. And it made me remember when I tried that, wish I could say it worked, but it didn't Lynn :(

07gas
Last edited by 07gas on Mon Apr 02, 2007 2:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby 07gas » Mon Apr 02, 2007 2:42 am

This forum seems to have changed, it certainly is more supportive now than when I first placed a post.


Lynn, that's great news, I am new here myself and still trying to learn how to get around on this forum

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Postby shivers » Mon Apr 02, 2007 3:54 am

The rules have been written up for 10 days. One of the smaller one's has been broken already. I don't really hold out too much hope, going off statistics etc., but when it alls comes to a screeching halt, I'll know within myself that I've done the best I can.
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Postby 07gas » Mon Apr 02, 2007 4:43 am

Lynn

All I can said is you are a good soul to try and work things out with your Husband. Dealing with a N is very taxing both physically and emotionally. How you do it with Big D I will never know. In the end of my relationship with D (her first letter in her first name) I just gave up trying. I had a feeling she was leaving and I guess the truth is I didn't care anymore. I was totally physically and emotionally strained and so were the children. In fact we are glad she is gone. Glad all the fighting, degrading and lies has stopped. Lynn how long have you two been together? Like you know my relationship lasted for 17 years, if not for the children (I refused to leave my children in her care, for me that was not possible) I would have left her years ago..

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