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Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Iknewone2 » Mon Feb 15, 2016 2:52 am

I've had to suffer this treatment from my own Mother. All my life. All the same stuff, the violence, mental games, silent treatment. But it was taken too far when they refused to come to my wedding.
They had then hurt people they had never met, namely my wifes family. My then Father-in-law was astonished and angry raging at me, asking whats wrong with his daughter etc etc....you get the picture. Hurt my wife very deeply, yes we'd had a few run ins with my Mother before, stupid things as the NM will always try it on but I always managed to somehow keep smoothing things over out of some notion of duty. It was emotionally draining and very tiring. I finally realised too, that even after my Mother had known about the horrible experiences my wife and I went through with 3 miscarriages, the last one almost killing her, they maintained the silent treatment, kept away. The marriage fell apart after 4 years and I had a sort of breakdown. I virtually gave my lovely wife the house out of sheer guilt of all the bad feeling she had suffered at my Mothers hands and walked away from a mortgage free life at 40 to being virtually pennyless at 41 sleeping on my brothers floor until i could find a house to rent.

I had to start again in life, but this time there would be no Mother in it. I found love again ten years later and married my now wife. No, I did not invite my parents, once bitten twice shy .....I had to tell her if we married, it was likely there would be no in-laws for her and had to explain my relationship and what it means to have a NM.

Trust me people.....even if you do go crawling back to them, it WILL happen again. They cannot help themselves. They will make the weather for you....then bitch that it's raining all the time!!!
If you really want a relationship with your NM she has to know and be made to realise that she is in need of help and fast. But problem is ...one of the traits is that they do not tolerate criticism of themselves.....so good luck with that one. You'll also find that the Father is suffering too and lives under her thumb too weak to get from under it, and will go along with whatever madness she comes up with. He will not be as guilty as she, but is afteral an enabler. NMs will never stop! until someone stops them. OR....as in my case, die.

I lost my Mother 08 02 16 less than a week ago. I never got to see her in hospital before she died, we never reconciled in all of the 19 years it's been since I saw them and no attempt on their part ever made to do so....no son wants his parents to die with or without this illness, I'm just glad that finally she is now at piece. Went down to be with my Dad on the sad day.....who slammed the door in my face ...... so I'm still paying the cost. When does it stop? He's 85 now.

Yes keeping away and having a life without them......is the only way. Trouble is, they lose out, you lose out......Decide for yourself is it better to have them here and take all the crap or miss the opportunity of telling them you loved them ...... I guess some would say they use death as a weapon too.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby namibia1976+7 » Sun Sep 18, 2016 1:09 pm

I am writing in this forum as otherwise I have no idea what to do or where to get help, as it seems in my country, even among psychiatrists dealing with a narcissistic mother is not, how should I put it "a thing".

Even worst. It is not me dealing with a NM, I am very lucky there, but my fiancee, but let me start from the beginning.

First of all he is 28 years old, I am a bit older than him, but not significantly, so I doubt I am a substitute for his mother in any way, specially because we used to have a very normal relation ship.
When we met his mother seemed caring and outgoing, very direct and always in the best interest of her son. Time went by and it became more and more obvious that the opposite was the case.

She hides her critics in being concerned, she makes him feel small and as if he couldn't get anything right, but in a way that it at first seems as if she was worried about him and his future. She praised me as the best thing that had happened to him. She sometimes calls him plain stupid, shouts a lot and if things don't go her way, she threatens to move out.

I should maybe say that they are living on a cattle farm. His mother, my fiancee and his father, who is weak and controlled by her as well. All was fun and games in the beginning. Then he moved in with me (I am renting a house from her), we got engaged and all went downhill from there.

He more and more often came home drunk from work at his parents farm. More and more fights, he increasingly felt as if he was not worth anything, as if could not provide for us, seeing his mother pays him a small salary only, but used to cover all his living costs.

He studied, finished his studies with honor, he got a good reputation in his line of work, but wants to farm, work with his hands.
He used to live in different places without his parents for a while, but when cattle got stolen, his father got older, he moved back.

She kept on telling me he always dealt with depression and after a traumatic incident a few years back those increased periodically.

Last week he had a mental breakdown at his parents farm. First he didn't want to see me. He was simply ashamed, wanted to get his head straight again and meanwhile, behind his back, his mother refused to let me get to him, to see him. After a few days we met and decided to tackle his problems together. He wanted to go away with his parents first, because he feels as if he has to make up to them for what he did during his breakdown. I had no problem with that.The next morning he texted me telling me his mother made him choose. His family, the farm, heritage and salary or me. He loves the farm.

I know it sounds weak of him to drop me for that, but he couldn't have reacted otherwise I believe. She got full emotional and financial control over him.
She even forbids him to see me and threatened to throw me out of the house I rented, if I'd try.
We are still texting a lot. He is seeing a psychiatrist, taking Paxil (not my first choice, but his mothers, who claims she is on anti-depressants for 30 years and would never stop).
He is like a scared little rabbit, guarded by a fox.

She tells him every day what to do, what not to, how his brother accomplished sooo much already, while he is still living at home and can't get anything right.

My fiancee and I had 1 fight during our relation ship, which was because I more or less criticized his mother.

He is putting himself under so much pressure to be better, to get basically rich, to be able to provide for me (which I don't need by the way, as I am earning my own money), for his parents (who don't need it either). He feels as if he is not good enough for me or for anybody, because he doesn't earn much money (his mother doesn't pay him much, but pays his medical aid, pension fund and day to day groceries).

I need to get him out of there and I need to figure out to help him to see his mother for what she really is: a manipulative, controlling, self-centered person who will ruin him.

When I asked her if it was true that he is not allowed to move back in with me she replied, if he'd move out he'd be on his own, without family or salary, meaning she'd fire him, but stating as well she did not forbid him to see me. What else could he have done? She knows he is not strong enough to stand up to her.

I must admit I was dumbstruck when she told me I couldn't see him anymore. She even tried to get an eviction notice for me to get out of his life totally. I begged and tried to reason with her. She replied her son would get supported until he dies as long as he stays on the farm, because they are his family and they love him. I have never attacked her verbally, in the beginning when he was angry with her for telling him how dumb and useless he was I even tried to find a reason for that, told him she would just want his best, but couldn't bring it across the right way.

She kept on telling how many marriages end in divorce, tried everything to show him he would be better off alone, on the farm, with her.

I don't know what to do. I know he loves me. He feels helpless and trapped. We chat the whole day. The antidepressants make him tired, numb, but it's the one SHE wants him to take.

How can I show him what and who his mother really is? How can I help him?

He is very sensitive, intelligent, but with his mother he is so blind, it is hard to understand.

As I said he is seeing a psychiatrist (needless to say his mom made the appointment), but that one focuses on the incident 2 years ago and my fiancee completely blocks when it comes to his mother/family.

I thought about seeing the psychiatrist, showing him the messages and try to make him see what the real problem is. Any thoughts on that?

Anybody any idea what to do?

He is full of guilt for his breakdown, that he shouted at his parents, even fired a shot over his fathers head (makes me wonder why those are not locked away, same as the alcohol, seeing their son was considered suicidal after the first session with his psyche) after he took his medication and began to drink.

Someone needs to make him realize that he is not the problem, but his mother is.

I'd love to hear any thoughts on this matter.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Intense2b » Tue Feb 21, 2017 9:45 am

Hi all ,

I'm new here and coming to grips with everything for the first time.

I'm 51 years old and it is only now that I'm able to diagnose my mother With NPD. Having said that I am very familiar with the disorder because I diagnosed my sister with the disorder early on .....but I never thought my mother had NPD as well....rather I thought she was basically no polar.

It is only now that I see she is the same as my sister and I now see the new angle of the golden child and the scapegoat. This really blew my mind because it is exactly what I went through .

I was the scapegoat always competing against my sister and hating her and trying to prove that I was worthy of love .

Actually now I don't hate my sister quite as much because I see we have a lot in common . This whole scapegoat and golden child analogy has really helped me .

I will be contributing soon and telling my story for validation and proof that this really happened to me .

Thank you everyone .
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Intense2b » Wed Feb 22, 2017 5:09 pm

The Day I stepped out of the Matrix and took the "red pill"

I always knew something was wrong . I just couldn't put my finger on it .
I am now 51 years old but my journey out of the Matrix began on one specific day 20 years ago .
I have always hated my sister from as far back as I can remember . My sister is the golden child and a narcissist herself. I have never been able to answer the question as to why my sister who is a complete loser was the golden child and I was the complete scapegoat until just a few days ago .
I think being the scapegoat made me a success actually and made my sister a failure . I always wanted to prove myself and I excelled in everything from sports to academics and I became quite a successful lawyer and businessman . My sister on the other hand became a complete loser who barely made it through highschool and failed out of college to become an absolute zero in life ......and yet to this day she is the golden child . Why ? Why? Why?
When I was roughly 30 my sister was getting married ( divorced within a year and with horrible results ) and she had invited a ton of trailor trash to the wedding .
I was embarrassed and so was my mother who would not invite any of her friends . I wanted the same entitlement as my mother and I said that I was embarrassed as well and therefor I didn't want to invite my new inlaws to the wedding .
I told my mother of my objection over the telephone while she was in Europe on vacation . Needless to say it turned into a huge fight .
A few days later I was driving my Two seater sports car with my wife in a horrible rain storm when I get a call from my father (pre-Bluetooth ).
He says "your mother is in the hospital because she had a heart attack."
I said "OMG!!!! Which hospital "?
My father responded "I'm not telling you because you are the one that gave her the heart attack". He then simply hung up the phone .
Needless to say I went crazy . I was driving in the rain with this sports car like a madman ....my wife was going nuts as I was steering with one hand and calling every hospital in the city with the other hand .
After a long painful time I finally found her . I rushed into the emergency room soaking wet . I saw her laying there with tubes all over and I said "Omg ! Mom are you ok"?
My mother responded with just two words : "GET OUT"!
In the next few days I did a lot of soul searching but I still didn't really believe there was anything wrong with my parents and that I was to blame . My wife tried to show me but somehow I just couldn't believe it . Not my mom ....she is perfect and I love her .
Somewhere deep inside I knew there was something very wrong even though my brain wouldn't allow me to believe it .
But then it all changed in one unbelievable moment that changed me forever .
My co-dependent father was in a weakened state while my mom was in the hospital . Without her around he always has momentary lucid moments when he is normal .
I asked him : "Dad , why did you tell me that I caused moms heart attack"
He answered in five words that would forever change my life : " SHE MADE ME DO IT."
He admitted it ! From years of denial and distortion in one lucid moment he admitted it and it was that moment when I realized that the people I trusted and loved the most were stabbing me in the back .
This is when my journey started . I actually visited Scott M Peck in CT who wrote the book toxic parents and many other books on narcissism . And thereafter I cut off all ties to my family for the next five years.
Basically I felt that it was my sister that was the narcissist and my mother simply bi-polar ....that is until a few days ago .
After that five year period I worked through my anger and studied narcissism . I felt that I was ready to resume a relationship with them again because I was now on guard.
But it was what I happened a few days ago that answered an age old question of mine "why do they love my sister more than me"?
My mother had a fall and was back in the hospital . This is always her favorite time to abuse me. Basically she said to me : "I don't enjoy you anymore . I wish you all the best but let's have separate lives".
I did not respond and my father joined in and said "everything I have worked for will be ruined in your hands"
That's when I went back to the drawing board and I came upon the "golden child and scape goat analogy".
Somehow in all my readings I had never seen this before . But it answered my question and put me at ease finally.
It finally dawned on me that my mother is just as much of a narcissist as my sister.
My sister is the golden child not because she was better than me in any way but rather just the opposite ....she displayed the narcissistic personality exactly as my mother wanted while I was the well adjusted and happier child . I was therefore the bad one and therefore the "whipping boy".
My mother is now back to not talking to me and maybe it's for the best ?
I have come to the sad realization that I never had a mother and I grieve for her "death".
R.I.P. "Mom".
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Intense2b » Thu Feb 23, 2017 10:55 pm

Pangloss wrote:BlueFlower, what an NM..., this is a classic example of the wonders of NC.

Mine was a stepmother, and it was a real life Cinderella story. My stepbrother had piano lessons, the best food, clothes, shoes, etc. while I did the housework, was malnourished, had to babysit my brother while doing homework as she went out with her friends, she bad-mouthed me to my friends when they called, they were utterly shocked at what she claimed I did. She berated me for enrolling in a university away from home while my father fell ill with cancer. My step brother pointed out to her that he went to a college that was further away with her blessings. Of course she got upset and he was blocked out as a punishment for a long time for having dared to point out a contradiction in her attitude. At the moment of her very last breath, she was still criticising me about...something...I couldn't bother to remember.

My N husband had an NM too, who divorced his father when he was young and won custody. She was out dating and partying while he made her a sandwich dinner and waited alone at home. He told me some horror stories, eg. how she manipulated to break up her widower father-in-law's relationship with a wonderful lady friend in his old age because she didn't like it, how she threatened suicide when she needed him there for her, etc.

She sent us a sad little card for our wedding, and throughout our marriage, she hardly sent me any gifts, a bag of cookies here, a loaf of bread during Christmas and never wished me a happy birthday or a happy anniversary for us.

Sadly, my N husband acts like a frightened little CoD with her, he is terrified of her and would never contradict her even when she lashes out unfairly at me or the kids.

Unfortunately, he has learned the wrong lessons about human interaction, about love, about marriage, etc., from her.

NC is the best way to cope with NMs.


Blue flower ..... I have news for you .....you are not the golden child but rather the scapegoat!

I think you misunderstood the terms . It's not whether you are a success or not it is how you were treated .

I was and am the successful child and I did everything right ! And yet I was not the favored one .

The fact that she has abandoned you means she is punishing you for being independent and a success . She is also jealous.

The golden child is NOT punished !!!!

You are in the "Matrix" .....now take the red pill and come out into the real world and discover how deep the rabbit hole is my friend.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Petal132 » Fri Mar 03, 2017 10:13 am

Hi to be honest, I only read the first post. The narcissist I was in a relationship with had also a very bad connection with his mother. I recognise some of the things in this post which happened to him. He told me about his bad childhood and his GFs who treated him so badly. Unfortunately it mixed him up in such a way that he developed a lot of narcissistic traits, I think even an NPD. I always been in relation with men with some narcissistic traits, having been grown up in a narcissistic family which made me a co-dependent (yes ideal for the narcissist) I could cope with that in a way and thought it was normal. But the last relation was too much. The last drop. I now realise I have to work on myself too, so I do not attract and accept this kind of men anymore.

Just a question, do you as a son of a Narcissistic mother, feel that you have become like that yourself. Do you realise it? As my experience is, especially with the last one, it is always someone else's fault and then they stay stuck in their bizarre world.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby mellowdnb » Wed Mar 29, 2017 5:25 am

I was adopted by a NM & NM father. I was 3 months old when I was adopted. They had a daughter who was a narcissist too. They had been a very, religious family. I remember from an early age being hit because I did something wrong, in their eyes anyway. It was always my fault. I was told I was a piece of $#%^. I was told by birth mother never wanted me. Locks had been taken off doors so I wouldn't have a place to hide if I pissed off my foster parents.

My N foster mother always told me "I don't trust you." She would threaten to disown me if I dated or married outside the religion. They had been serious, as my foster cousin had been disowned for marrying outside the religion. I never had a GF because of it. Well, I dated one girl but she wasn't the same religion so it really couldn't go anywhere. When I was 18, a girl called my home & the NM had cursed her out. I felt so bad for the girl.

As a child, I always tired. I felt sluggish. I had trouble getting out of bed because of this. I would always get in trouble for being late. The schools would send home letters that I may be on drugs/alcohol because of my attendance & poor grades. My room was raided on a daily basis & I was threatened to be placed in a psychiatric hospital because my N parents thought I was. I couldn't concentrate at home. The NM had suicidal & homicidal ideations. I was to never speak of it to anyone. I can remember having cold water splashed on me, multiple times, because I wasn't getting out of bed.

What was causing this? Turns out I was a diabetic. Since my body doesn't produce enough insulin for all sugar molecules to enter cells, I was displaying fatigue, inability to concentrate. I was labeled as having ADD. They put me on Ritalin. I took it a few times & I HATED IT. It made me more tired. What I needed was synthetic insulin. MY NM MENTIONED TO ME "I think you're a diabetic." I was around 10. It struck me as odd as to why she would say that. i was scared. I believe she knew.

I always had to urinate because my body was trying to rid itself of the excess sugar and acidic contents my body was producing. I was always told I was a burden when I needed to use the bathroom to urinate.

I tried to leave home but I had no friends. They forced them away.

I remember my N dad kicking me on my back. I don't know why he did that. It hurt. I learned to stop crying as I didn't want them to see me cry. I would cry in bed. However I found peace in calming music.

I took to smoking to relieve my stress. It's been 3 years since I quit.

When I had my own job, they would always go through my receipts. Things I bought would be taken from me. I had to hid clothes & video games.

It was hard trying to save for a car. I couldn't get them to co-sign because they didn't trust me. I think they knew if I had a car I would book it outta there.

I remember my NM trying to pin me down & molest me when I was 18. I fought the crazed lunatic off as if my life depended on it.

I decided to live my dream of becoming a firefighter & paramedic. They hated it. I was told I was to stupid to become one. I didn't have my own car so it was hard to travel to test but I did it. At least they let me use the car. I had to lie about where I was going.

Low & behold, I got on a department. This really pissed off the NM. I went for the mandatory physical exam & I found out I had diabetes. The doctor was puzzled by the fact that it was a new onset. He thought I had it for years. I did & the N parents knew it. My chief told me not to worry & I can go.I was 2 weeks in the academy when my captain drove up in a red SUV. He pulled me aside, and told me the physician who I got my physical from said I had to get my diabetes under control. I was pulled from the department. The doctor told me "Sorry but I left a message with your mom that you can't go. That was 2 weeks ago. I'm sorry she didn't tell you." I confronted her and she admitted to knowing I had been pulled before i was about to start. She claimed it was because "I didn't want to get your hopes down." WHAT?!!! ###$ you.

I became a Paramedic. She told me she hopes I fail out of school. She told me she hopes i don't pass. Her & her psycho daughter threatened to tell the paramedic school & ambulance service I worked for that I was a diabetic & I couldn't do the job.

I passed school. They appeared to be happy but when I mentioned I was moving, the NM told me she hopes I fail. The N dad wasn't happy.

They guilt tripped me into coming back home. He had recovered from colon CA. They had nobody to take care of them, so I had to drop what I was doing and help. I was trying to make a better life for myself & help other people.

I guess they felt bad for the BS they placed on me & left me their inheritance. I'm able to go to school FT & study to be a trauma room RN while living in my dream state of CO.

I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone. Many have had far worse but I try not to compare problems. Suffering is suffering. I could have ended up in a much worse situation.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Mster93 » Thu Jun 01, 2017 9:23 pm

Dear All,
Ive been a silent lurker here for a while, so I would like to first thank you in advanced for sharing your stories online. They have been so motivational and inspirational for me.

Secondly, I'll fully introduce myself. I am in my mid to late 20s in a prestigious doctoral program. I feel as though my NM likes to "mooch off of" or take credit for all of my "accomplishments." She has flat out said on numerous times that because she has given birth to me, they are her accomplishments. Ranging from getting accepted to the program to publishing an article to winning an award, they all belong to "her." Many, my father included (he always gives into her demands and fits) explains the relationship of her to my "successes" as extensions and projections of herself. Its quite suffocating.

Things became far worst when I started dating my partner. He makes me incredibly happy and is by no means a moocher. He is a well-educated lawyer with an excellent job. She cannot stand him, I believe simply for his pure existence. Since I started seeing him, she tracked down his personal address and began to send him all kinds of threats in the mail. To this day, I get calls on a regular basis from my NM calling me "a joke," "an idiot," along with other profanities. A common threat is, "I gave birth to you, so I can take you out of this world too." Other comment include I want you out of my life. It is becoming quite unbearable. Each time she does not get what she wants, she becomes verbally abusive and sometimes even violent. She used to hit me as a child on a regular basis when I did not defer to her power (now I realize this is physical abuse) and recently threw a vase of flowers at me. I can go on and on with many more examples, but clearly when she perceives something as my growing independence from her, she becomes extremely irate. In the words of my therapist, "she is a very toxic person and your father is an enabler."

The key issue with my NM is that she has been battling stage 4 cancer. In addition to my natural guilt for her, she also uses and plays with that situation to become very manipulative. During her second bound with cancer, I did not call her, went 0 contact with her. Regardless of the illness, I could not longer tolerate being scolded every day. I did send her a mother's day card and gift (in an attempt to prevent future slough of harassment phone calls to my home and place of work in addition to my partner). She became even more angry because I never called her during her second round of treatment. Nothing is ever enough with her.

While I believe she has a narcissistic personality disorder, I believe that something else is going on whether it is the side affects of chemotherapy or older age (she's 67 now). A few months back, before I stopped contact, I decided to call her doctor to ask about the side affects of chemotherapy. I was wondering if there was a correlation and was generally concerned about her well-bein. The doctor did not answer my questions and instead told my NM who again became very irate and of course harassment followed suit.

Anyway, thanks for hearing me out.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby auddie » Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:20 am

Hi. Thank you Computerology-I get it 100%. I'm 67 yo. My mother w/npd died 3 yrs ago and still haunts me. I have a brother (golden child) with npd who struggles with his own demons, but continues to play cruel games with me. I only recently accepted that my mother never really loved me, and he's incapable of loving me, as well. They're just missing something, you know? I want to forgive, but I'll never be able to forget - I'd have to forget my entire life. I spent the majority of it trying to get her approval, or rebelling against her in the form of some sort of self destructive behavior. I'm just so tired. I'm a Christian, but I struggle with my faith at times because it's so hard to believe God can love me when my own mother didn't. She couldn't stand the sight of me. I've been therapied to death, and you're right - unless you've lived it, nobody can understand what these people can do to your mind. They'd be a great asset at GITMO. I still consider myself a survivor. Without a lot of help along the way, I'd probably be in an institution somewhere, sitting in the corner drooling.
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