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Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Shazam » Wed Aug 07, 2013 1:01 am

computerology, my brother from another N-mother, I hear you on the anger about what might have been. Man, that anger burns me up sometimes... all that potential I had,

I salute you for going NC. Clearly you have strength.

I have been tempted to try NC but in the final analysis I don't think I could withstand the bitch's relentlessness... she is dogged like the Terminator and would keep hunting me down until one of us died. She gets this gleam in her eye when challenged and a tone of voice -- "now listen here, you" -- a flash of the survival instinct of a cornered ferret -- when all pretense of empathy and decency is abandoned and protecting her interests rises above all else.

You can probably tell that I fear this woman deeply. Instead of no contact I have opted for low contact, and permitting myself the release of calling out her BS to her face in real-time at those times when I submit to seeing her. This feels good in the moment but usually has a hangover, like drinking or drugging.

She has already trashed me with family and mutual friends, talking about my "personality change" in recent years, which is really just me finally laying down some minimal boundaries. So maybe there really isn't much holding me back from NC. Maybe I will soon. Your example inspires.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Saaxelome » Sun Aug 11, 2013 8:39 am

Hello guys!
It is so good to read your posts. You are all so strong and so worthy of happiness, it is hard to tell.
I am too the son of a narcissistic mother, and honestly, what I was the most looking for today when searching on the internet was stories of men who really thought this battle and achieved somthing inspite of their broken childhood.
All of you gave me inspiration, all of you reminded me that from wherever you com, you can still be happy and successufull.
If I talk to you this way, it is because I am also very proud of my achievements inspite of the shity familly I was raised in. I could explain to you, and tell you all the #######5 things my mom made me endure, but instead I prefer to trust you all, you brave survivors.
I think that you can believe me when I say that my hole familly is directly and indirectly touched by perverse narcissim.
What I want to do today in this post, is tell all of you, brave men who have done something of ther lives in spite of their #######5 mom, all the things that I have achieved in spite of my #######5 mom.
First, I must admit that I am proud of something that was given to me by nature : a very high IQ. During my 8th year I was "diagnosed" as having a very IQ, like only one child on 1000 have it.
So, I skiped a grade, and I never repeated one since then.
Today, I am 20 years old, I study in a business school, and I have already done 3 years of it after my bachelor.
I am french, and as you can see, I can speak english. I am currently learning Italian and German.
I have a girlfriend too, and we are together since one year now, and we have been leaving together for six months.
We have a dream together, we have a cetain goal that we want to achieve. Me, too, I have my own dreams and they are very accurate and I won't settle for less.
Guys, all you are leaving now is normal, it is painfull, but the sooner the better.
I am really, really proud of you all, proud of the courage we have to write on this kind of board.
My dearest wish is that people like us talk to each other as much as we can.
This is our life, nobody is going to take it from us, and I assure you, you don't look like scary men to me.
It is important for us all to realize, that what we have been through, is the toughest thing life can do to a human being.
We often read, or hear about people who recovered from a really #######5 childhood, like Jime Carrey, 50 cent ... But we hear about them because they have sexy stories. Poverty, murder, alcoholism, drug. these are things and burdens that everybody can understand and relate to.
But, what WE have been through, is tougher, because it is invisible.
We must show the world that WE are the strongest men on the planet, WE endured pain beyon words. And now, the simple fact that we are typing and reading these posts is the proof that we can be whoever we want to be.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Law of Distraction » Sun Aug 11, 2013 11:08 pm

Hi Computerology,

Your story resonates with me and I am sending you a well deserved hug. I am amazed at how much you have achieved and I hope you continue to focus on your goals. I've been the girlfriend and wife who my husband's N mother tried to drive away. I am not sure if he is the golden child of which you speak. However, I am certainly the designated scapegoat. As a result, I stay far away.

It now appears to be embarrassing for the N mother to not be able to maintain the perfect image. As an estranged daughter in law, I mess up the picture of the perfect family. As N MIL gets older, she is unraveling a bit more with the years. She is having a difficult time with all the holes in her narrative as the truth tends to come out. People are starting to get the message that she is a liar and I do not have to say a word.

When I am feeling upset, I watch movies like "The Secret." It reminds me of how I want to live and it tends to pull me out of these impulses for revenge. I do believe the old phrase "When you seek revenge, dig two graves."
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby BlueFlower » Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:08 am

computerology wrote:I sometimes find myself thinking about all the lost opportunities in my life due to this supposed "mother" in my life... i feel like the charts of my life would be much greater in value today had i been afforded the normal opportunities afforded even to one of my siblings, let alone a person with relative normal parents.




It sucks that we had this kind of mother. It was heartbreaking for me to read your story and feel your suffering. But know this: we cannot undo their attempted sabotage of us; but we CAN go on to "prove" to ourselves that we are capable and worthy...we are able to overcome obstacles, be successful and LOVE and accept others...this is our purpose. Did she inflict major injustices upon you--yes. Did she destroy you--no. That you are here today, writing so eloquently and helping so many people is a testament to your courage and strength--things she tried to destroy but couldn't. You have discovered her true nature and exposed it---further revenge is no longer necessary. She will continue to bring her own house down.

But you do need to attend to your healing before you are swallowed up by your own rage. Ruminating only breeds more hatred. I know from experience. If you feel the need to seek counsel to speed up final closure, please research one that is familiar with NPD. Otherwise, you will waste months of your time trying to explain the "backstory," when those of us who grew up with it already KNOW without much explanation needed.

Loved what you said about your siblings either "trying," or living isolated from one another. I can relate to this too. Close ties with siblings are NEVER encouraged with an N parent. Even now, my NM gets irate when she learns of any contact between my brothers and I. NOT normal at all.

Anyways, just wanted to send support your way. I firmly believe that we scapegoats are way better off than the Golden Children. Vilifying a child is a diversion tactic--and they will single out the biggest threat to their illusion. And although it would have been absolutely wonderful to have a "normal" parent for even a while, we can't torture ourselves with thoughts of how things should have been.

The strongest steel is forged from the hottest fires.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby bidagam3r » Mon Aug 12, 2013 6:34 pm

I relate to you on a lot of ways.

I also have a narcissistic mother and was turned into the scapegoat when my step-sister left the family at age 18. She was the previous scapegoat.

My mother also fell in love with me when I was 10 years old.
She even asked me to go to a hotel when I was 15.
When I was 12 she tried to crash our car purposely and since it was only us two in the car my father didn't believe me. and says he "doesn't remember"

Currently she sabotages all chances of me having a relationship by telling girls that are interested in me that she is in love with me. If the girl can get past that she ( just like in your story) tells them I have an anger problem even though I have never hit a girlfriend. She then tells them whatever flaw that she can think of in me. She told one of my girlfriends that she "should be careful" with me.

She was neglectful my entire life and I remember dressing and feeding my self most of the time ever since I was tall enough to reach the counter.
She wasn't very greedy monetarily as my father mad decent money in the military. (she cheated on him many times) because she enjoyed showing off through her children. I was like a dummy to be dressed up so people wouldn't think I was neglected.

Well, that's the gist of my experience. I am also a son of a NM and we are definitely victims of some serious abuse.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Law of Distraction » Tue Aug 13, 2013 3:09 am

Thank you, bidagam3r,

Your story is so very strange yet familiar. My N MIL acts very much like the jealous ex girlfriend of my husband. I really do not understand her behavior. It is very difficult for me to deal with her. She seems to create constant competition with me while I do nothing to prevent her from seeing my husband. I can't relax around her because her wrath seems boundless. I do not get why she thinks a mother can ever be replaced by a wife. These roles are obviously different.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Anais » Tue Aug 13, 2013 1:31 pm

computerology, don't know if this helps but I'd look at it this way - it is likely that you dodged some bullets with some of those earlier relationships that your mum derailed. You were surrounded by toxic people back then so you probably had a chance of getting romantically involved with the same - the girl who went nuts at you after meeting your mum probably wasn't normal either, right...

It sucks right now but it's actually good you're working through all the crap and this way, you will rid yourself of this, just takes time. This is the grieving process and you're going through it, feeling bad right now - is good! Sucks right, but you are on the right path. Seeing a counsellor about your birth mum's death might be a good idea, and easier to explain than the narc thing. You could just say you were adopted out, and into an abusive family. That is one hell of a complicated thing to survive. Man I admire you, because your situation is just very, very tough. There are therapists who specialize in adopted adult children - maybe that is a good place to start?

Much of this also I think will be solved when you are happy with where your career is, now. How are things there, now? Any steps to take say over the coming year?

I like Blue's quote about the strongest steel. And also I like this one (weirdly since I am not religious, but I take the human sentiment in it) - Psalm 129 "They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me. Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long. But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked."
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Smarterthanaverage » Fri Aug 16, 2013 2:34 am

Hi Computerology,
You don't sound crazy to me. Getting rid of the pain your experienced at the hands of your adoptive mother can be something like an exorcism. It is immensely hard and there's a lot of screaming and irrational behaviour. There were so many nights when, even as a fully grown adult, I would play and replay in my head the cruel, unfair, de-humanising things my father did to me. I guess it's something you need to do until you realise that the movies in your head are not going to have a different ending, regardless of how much you want them to, so there is no point in them. It;s a huge effort of will to let it all go and to close the gate on the past. Especially when you have believed (as I did) all the negative things my father drilled into me. For example he told me to be a nun because no-one else wanted that job so even I would be able to get it and I wouldn't be getting married anyway. My first relationship was ridiculously late in life because I believed no-one could ever love me and I kept away from men. How I wish I had exorcised those demons earlier! Now, on the other side of my own exorcism I can look at my father with a sort of calm, pitying disdain. His efforts to put others down to boost himself up just seem pathetically weak. One day you will get here too.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby computerology » Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:51 pm

I wrote a long interesting response but my login timed out and it was lost. I will try again another time. Good to see you all in his thread, us sons of narcissistic mothers need to stick together as there are few resources for us.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby computerology » Sun Aug 18, 2013 9:14 pm

Here goes again another try.

It is uncanny how similar these "mothers" are. The competition with the sons girlfriend or wife and the destructive bashing to try to keep them single. Us guys lead a really different life than the ladies because the NM of daughters seem to tend to adore their partners as they try to compete with their daughters sexually. My NM talks about my GC sisters husband as though theyre best friends who have known eachother their whole lives. He's "fabulous", "funny", "wonderful".

Us guys experience what has been described above by me and others. Our girlfriends/ wives are criticised constantly to us and we are criticised contantly behind our backs to them. I find it interesting that the "angry" card and cautions of potential violent tendencies is played out so often. I guess that is the shortest route to success in destroying the relationship. If the girl thinks you have a history of laying the beats to previous girlfriends shes going to be right careful and even if there are no triggers fr her to see it is true it might be difficult for her to have both feet in the relationship so things may not proceed as planned.

The anger card didnt work on my ex fiancee so my NM played it by proxy after we got engaged. That method was terribly productive. Imagine your daughter getting engaged to a man she has been living with for 6 years and the "mother" of the guy takes it upon herself to call you and warn of his explosive, violent, and angry tendencies, and how he was always such an angry child. The natural reaction would be to try to get the wedding stopped and get your daughter out of this relationship asap. Thats exactly what happened. They took her to africa, connected her with some girl doing university there, encouraged her to go to parties and meet boys, restricted her ability to email me, and even cut my distressed phone call to her asking why she had not emailed me in over a week off short citing that they had to leave to go to some safari immediately. After she got back from that trip she was under an extraordinary amount of pressure to take off on a six month university exchange, apply for foreign universities and even gave her $5000 to take a solo trip to hawaii and help her with moving expenses. No relatonship during an engagement can survive that sort of pressure. We were supposed to be planning our wedding. We ended up spending month after month discussing why i felt it was not acceptable for an engaged girl to move to the other side of the planet to live in a university dorm for half a year.

One poster asked how my career was going as that is something good to focus on into the future. My career is great i work in investment banking i have a sailboat and a family and we do the crazy cigars and scotch on the 32nd floor patio, yachting, exclusive social clubs, the whole 9 yards. It i think has been my success as of late (i ran a struggling but decent home based business for 7 years of hiatus from the industry and was wiped out by the recession) that has put her character assasination into hyperdrive and made her comments more off base and hurtful, revealing the narcissism.

When i commented to her that i wanted to buy a house with cash because i hated debt (defaulted on some credit cards when my business was wiped out) i got a bunch of nasty emails about how debt was a fact of life and i needed to get on top of my taxes and bla bla bla. Received a call from the tax authorities a month later and every realtoe i contacted and told her i was dealing with suddenly stopped even returning my emails. Never mind that i had $30000 saved up to buy a $75000 house and was planning on inkng the deal in 12 months. When i bought my sailboat instead because i got a big raise and promotion she has all of my siblings terrified to even look at it. They groan and roll their eyes when i talk about my new found love for sailing and hanging out at the yacht club. My 28 foot 7000 pound boat they probably think is some tiny dinghy with bedhseets for sails. In actuality it was raced locally and when i hire.a rigger or sailmaker to do some repairs they all know my boat well and ask many questions about where its been and what its been up to over the past ten years amd are curious to look inside to see if its been well cared for.

Things like this made her snide comments way more transparently obvious attempts at destroying my character than what i had beleived before that perhaps she just misunderstood who i had become as a man due to her weak if not nonexistent attempt to be involved in my life.

The adoption des make things more complex. I was adopted by them at 13 and i had a good self esteem because my birth family thoughr i was terribly smart and a good kid who needed a chance at success away from my drug and alcohol addicted birth mother. I was so hopeful that id have a chance at a normal family and not moving around and then once the adoption was legal and final the scapegoating began. My birth family started getting reports of how poorly i was doing and despite going into the adoption with full intention of staying involved in my life faded away, likely because of this witch.

I recall an odd exchange sitting with them one day as a young adult out for dinner with them. The lawyer who processed the adoption was actually somewhat related to an uncle by marriage and he was in the restaurant and chatted with us for a bit and asked how i was doing. After he left i made casual mention of how he had considered adopting me into his family and my adopted mother snapped at me something to the effect of "oh so you would have rather lived with him because hes a lawyer". That was weird and perplexing because i had never complained about wishing to be adopted by someone else or even wishing i hadnt been adopted, it was entirely out of left field, even given the bull treatment i got and being kicked out numerous times. The NM never stopped carrying on about how her father and grandfather were lawyers and how she came from this legal pedigree. I just thought it was nice of him to consider it at all.

When my birth mom died and i was trying to deal with the small estate this adoption thing kept getting in the way which brought back the anger like something feirce. Here i was trying to do the right thing now that my mother was at peace from her addictions and this lawyer and the court system kept tossing this.adoption order in my face and forcing my mothers siblings to do the work in joint across three provinces and they all wanted me to look after it. It reminded me that i was wholly "owned" by these narcissistic people and that any legal connection i had to my birth family had been severed and how shortly thereafter i danced the dysfunctional dance that you are all so familiar with.

I am requesting the information through FOI from the government for the whole process and when i was denied youth supports trying to complete high school. Id like to get the adoption overturned and possibly have them face charges on multiple fronts. Firstly not being up front on the adoption screening: shenhad a brother who was sexually abusive in the past staying with her, her father banged the babysitter knocked her up and married her, when her father died her uncle married the babysitter-cum-stepmother who was only 2 years older than her oldest sister married her uncle who became her stepfather - id think that that sort of history would be pretty relevant. Secondly, for failure to report that her brother attempted to molest me and did molest my friend to neither the auhorities or to my birth family - as this all took place before i was adopted formally. Third, for failing to provide me the neccesaries of life from age 17 to 19, and lying to social services about me being welcome home. Id like to sue them for child support at that time, and have the money go to my friends kind father who took me in during that time until i could get on my feet. He was on welfare and tried taking me in as a foster even, which my NM thwarted as well, and supported me on his meagre income. All he could offer me was a tent trailer rebuilt with plywood instead of canvas, and food. Some cold winters those were. Sickening when you contemplate that it was only 2 houses over from my "parents" they knew where i was and how i was living and the only "visit" i ever got from them was when they thought i might try to off myself because one of the neighbors said i was looking pretty depressed. No sh*t i was depressed, look at how i was living.
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