I think I have Munchausens..

Hi there everyone,

I'm a new member here and I just thought it would be good to
post here in the hope of someone being able to give me some advice on
what to do so here goes.

When I was 16/17ish in high school I had my first out of the blue thought(?)
a thought about my younger sibling. Immediately I couldn't stop feeling guilt about
it which lead me to having to confess. Eventually I was diagnosed with (p)ocd and it's been
5/6ish years since diagnosis. I'm still not convinced I have ocd at all when most people who do have
it are able to accept it and move on.

I feel like the past years have been all one big act. I wasn't having intrusive thoughts but it
was just me trying not to think of depressing/morbid normal thoughts. I even remember saying that
I had images popping into my head during CBT which I KNOW didn't actually happen at all.
I had essentially helped the therapist to give me a false diagnosis. Does this mean I'm a sick paedo?. I sure as hell hope not. I don't know who I am anymore, I've had so many past regrets and this one just tops them all. What the heck was I doing... why wasn't I honest?... it's feels like I've just convinced myself I'm ill in order to hide the fact that I'm just a evil person..

I don't feel the need to share my diagnosis with anyone and everyone, nor have I faked being ill since
then. I do find comfort in being with my family and have anxiety however..

I don't want to be sexually attracted to kids and have never felt the urge to create fantasies nor look at pornography.. I've never been in a relationship, nor dated nor been good at talking or maintaining friendships. I do find older guys attractive I've noticed but overall I just feel unsure and undecided about who I am and who I'm attracted to?.

I'm not seeking pity, but would be really appreciative if someone could help me..
I just wish I could've just been born a normal kid..

Thanks for taking the time to read this..

Hello and welcome!

IndigoOwlet598 wrote: I'm still not convinced I have ocd at all when most people who do have
it are able to accept it and move on.

There are a fair number of posters to the OCD forum that have a lot of trouble accepting it. Especially sexually themed OCD fears. And feelings of faking things aren't uncommon.

It's frustrating since people can easily say it's just the OCD making you doubt yourself.
However I truly know and believe I don't have it since it was just me thinking depressing things normally around POCD themes (which makes me feel all the more regretful). I remember me saying to the therapist that I had images popping into my head when I do know it was just me thinking of them on purpose..I don't think I was disturbed by the thoughts either..to be honest I think I just felt guilty for thinking of images and thoughts on purpose so I just played along with the idea that they were just ocd related..

It's hard since OCD can be something which places doubt and constant questioning as a common reaction but that is just not the case for me. The thoughts I had were rushing and didn't pop into my head from thin air like how many people describe their ocd thoughts as doing.. although the first major 2 I had I think did which then set me off to constantly obsess over whether I was attracted to my sibling (which I know is definitely not the case) or children (which regrettably I still feel uncomfortable around). I've never been a big fan of kids nor had the desire to work with them so it's kinda frustrating/ironic that I'm obsessing over them..

I do remember hearing about situations where I needed help for my asthma when I was younger, but I feel like I was faking that too..I also remember doing lots of weird and stupid things as a child (why??!)
From weird sexual things, to not being able to keep friendships at school, to throwing away things stupidly and checking to make sure things were where they were and hadn't fallen down the back of a bookcase for instance..

I don't want to be a criminal, neither be seen as one. I'm also feeling doubtful as to whether I do hate pedophiles or criminals since I don't feel any sort of reaction to them/feelings of hatred towards them..
I also ended my CBT therapy early when I was 16/17 and every time I left my appointments I felt awkward, uncomfortable and unwilling to share the details of the sessions..

I had dreams of wanting to travel, become a famous illustrator/tattoo artist too.. but now I can't see myself doing those. I'm not worthy of having a good life, I don't know how I can feel happy now knowing that I've lied to everyone and have people say I'm a kind person. I just feel apathetic towards anything evil/disgusting..

I feel like I need to go back to having CBT and own up to the fact that I thought these things on purpose, but at the same time I feel anxious about doing so (just proves I'm a paedo really..).

Sorry for the rambling anyway..

- Indigo

Well, we can't actually discuss pedophilia itself, but we can discuss POCD and also facetious disorders, so let's run with this, while we may.

This all sounds OCD to me. We continually doubt ourselves and you wouldn't be the first to feel as if you're faking things.

I think too often people with OCD (and whether or not it is valid, that's what you were told) confuse having a thought with being that thing, and it's just not so. And the lack of some violently visceral disgust, means nothing to me, in that regard. Who doesn't think bad thoughts once in a while?

Thanks for replying to my post those who did.

It’s been a little while but I still can’t accept that I have OCD. Even though 6ish years have passed since my original ocd “diagnosis” my memories are vague which means I am purposefully trying to block out all the guilt from my many past mistakes including telling the CBT therapist that I was “seeing things” when it was only me picturing/thinking about depressing things I had full control over. (People will then just say oh it’s the ocd making you doubt yourself I know).

Like I mentioned before I used to behave rather strangely as a kid doing things such as hiding belongings, throwing items away when they didn’t need to be (for some worry), regrettably being naughty, lying and being deceitful towards those closest. I also ended up confessing to the doctor in the end due to the guilt I had held onto from my childhood involving throwing things away in which he just laughed and said that’s it?.

All of this I know was to gain attention. I’m still also sure I used to fake my asthma when I was very young since now I’m completely fine and do not have any problems with my breathing. Some part of me deep down I know says that I’m enjoying this (and all the commotion which surrounded my ocd diagnosis those years ago) since it grants me the ability to feel “special” when really it just means that I’m a complete fraud (and then in hindsight a pedo) to myself and my family, what’s sad is that everyone believes me to be a kind-hearted and responsible young woman but I know full well I’m just not.

Thanks everyone for stopping by to read this,
I guess this was just another repeated ramble.

Indigo

I also forgot to mention that I remember telling the CBT therapist that alongside seeing things I was also hearing things and I remember telling myself whenever I consciously thought of something depressing that it was just the ocd. Alongside that I remember feeling like I could get out of my bed at one time but chose not to which led my mum to believe there was a problem. Yet another time I remember tossing and turning on the sofa due to “my thoughts” but when I think about that it seemed so stupid. I know I’ve just fully convinced myself I have ocd when in actual fact I don’t. I think that it was just that whenever I thought of something depressing I felt the need to tell my family when it was just the guilt of thinking it all along instead of it being an actual ocd thought.

I expect people to reassure me and say “wasn’t it your ocd distorting your memories?” but I know very well that it was all me, I’ve convinced myself I have something when I don’t.

I know my family needs me since we’re all suffering (aside from me) with some mental health problems and we’re not the most financially well off either. Right now I’m just behaving as if nothing is wrong around everyone but actually I’m just carrying this great big amount of guilt.

Thanks once again for stopping to read this. - Indigo

Anyone??

I understand this might not be a forum most people post on but I would be really appreciative if anyone could give me any advice?