Hi there everyone,
I'm a new member here and I just thought it would be good to
post here in the hope of someone being able to give me some advice on
what to do so here goes.
When I was 16/17ish in high school I had my first out of the blue thought(?)
a thought about my younger sibling. Immediately I couldn't stop feeling guilt about
it which lead me to having to confess. Eventually I was diagnosed with (p)ocd and it's been
5/6ish years since diagnosis. I'm still not convinced I have ocd at all when most people who do have
it are able to accept it and move on.
I feel like the past years have been all one big act. I wasn't having intrusive thoughts but it
was just me trying not to think of depressing/morbid normal thoughts. I even remember saying that
I had images popping into my head during CBT which I KNOW didn't actually happen at all.
I had essentially helped the therapist to give me a false diagnosis. Does this mean I'm a sick paedo?. I sure as hell hope not. I don't know who I am anymore, I've had so many past regrets and this one just tops them all. What the heck was I doing... why wasn't I honest?... it's feels like I've just convinced myself I'm ill in order to hide the fact that I'm just a evil person..
I don't feel the need to share my diagnosis with anyone and everyone, nor have I faked being ill since
then. I do find comfort in being with my family and have anxiety however..
I don't want to be sexually attracted to kids and have never felt the urge to create fantasies nor look at pornography.. I've never been in a relationship, nor dated nor been good at talking or maintaining friendships. I do find older guys attractive I've noticed but overall I just feel unsure and undecided about who I am and who I'm attracted to?.
I'm not seeking pity, but would be really appreciative if someone could help me..
I just wish I could've just been born a normal kid..
Thanks for taking the time to read this..